Skip to comments.The Peter Pan Myth: The Real Reason Men Won’t Settle Down
Posted on 11/19/2008 6:36:46 AM PST by AJKauf
Just how popular is Kay Hymowitzs City Journal essay, Love in the Time of Darwinism, which decries the phenomenon of marriage-avoiding man-children? So popular that it was sent to me by no less than three different friends today (all males) and its been featured on two different traffic engines this week: Arts & Letters Daily and Real Clear Politics.
Her brief is actually a mild apology for a previous essay in which she reprehended the jaded and loveless men of my generation for, as she puts it here, whiling away their leisure hours with South Park reruns, marathon sessions of World of Warcraft, and Maxim lists of the ten best movie fart scenes instead of humming Cole Porter tunes and throwing their jackets over puddles in the street for their intendeds. Courtship is dead, and mankind may well be facing extinction given how many men refuse to grow up, get hitched, and start procreating. What happened to Cary Grant? He turned into Seth Rogen.
The question isn't "Why aren't more men getting married before age 30?" It's "Why are any?" ....
(Excerpt) Read more at pajamasmedia.com ...
Why men don’t want to marry...
maybe it has something to do with sex? I mean there have always been loose women, but nowadays it takes no effort at all! Just ‘hook up’ with the nearest skank and you’re done until next time. There is even a buffet of variety!
So unless the seemingly rare man actually wants children and a mate to spend his life with, why not play Xbox all day and make a couple of calls for a booty call at night?
Why give things up if she’s not going to in kind? when working all day is followed by working all evening - with 90% of the benefits thereof going to her?
But we are now in an era which has left morality behind, left etiquette behind, left religion behind, left marriage behind, and is leaving behind the quaint notion of free markets and responsible economic behavior.
What lies ahead for us? I see only darkness.
Call?!?!? They use instant message or 2nd life to hook up — phones are so 90’s /sarc
My God, I think I'm going into a severe depression for the rest of the year.....
Never again would I!
A comedian once remarked, to save the trouble of going through divorce:
“I just find a woman I can’t stand, and buy her a house.”
Real men need damsels to rescue and adventures to live. One of the reasons WoW is so popular. Women these days that will allow themselves to be damsels are rare and as far as adventure goes forget it. You cannot have an adventure when your testicles are in the bottom of a woman's purse.
The feminist movement misdirected efforts into making it OK for women to act as sexually despicable as the men of the time instead of requiring the men to act civilly in order to have “access”.
She says she wants to be treated as an equal, yet she doesnt want you to earn less than she does. She adores gallantry and chivalry except when its seen as misogynist condescension: dare you hold a door open in the wrong setting, and thats not all youll be left holding. She wants sensitivity and good grooming and garrulousness, but too much of that and shell never come right out and say when its too much, youll only find out during the breakup and you risk looking emasculated rather than metrosexual. When shes out on the town, is it a one-night stand shes after or is she aiming to close a deal? Youll never know because as often as you go to bed with a whore and wake up with a virgin, the plot develops the other way about, too. (Dont blame Betty Friedan. Even Byron warned against the amphibious sort of harlot, / Couleur de rose, whos neither white nor scarlet.)
Women... can't live with 'em, can't.....
He also said he has been married 40 years. They were 10 of the best years of his life.
Get rid of no-fault divorce, and the problem solves itself.
The old joke, "If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman around, is he still wrong?" isn't exactly a joke. Too many women see life that way.
Now, men are wising up and not knuckling under to women, so they are branded "man-child" and insulted.
Keep it up. "Ladies"!
I’m not married because I’m looking after an aging parent and a young sibling, which doesn’t leave much time for socializing. None in fact. (We can afford professionals for these things, but when I was a baby, nobody hired a pro to raise me. Can’t buy love!)
So I’m thinking men also have their choices and just 24 hrs in a day. Besides, there are a lot of bad specimens out there. Some of us don’t want to take time away from loved ones to go out kissing toads.
(”You have to kiss a lot of toads before you find Prince Charming!”)
Who did that other than Sir Walter Raleigh, and that wasn't romance but an attempt to brown nose the boss to get a more profitable government job.
It is very difficult to have an adventure without getting arrested. Most "adventurous" stuff has long since been illegalized.
And single women/single moms (and I would guess kids from broken homes) seem to overwhelmingly vote Democrat. Why? They see big government as their protector/caretaker (the role God created for Husbands and Fathers). It is inborn in women for us to instinctively feel that need for a husband or father’s protection, no matter how much feminists deny it. So government expands, hardworking men get hit with higher taxes, which is a disincentive to work and get married, which results in more single women, more broken homes, families without dads, more women voting for big government..... That’s why one of the steps in the Communist planned takeover was to break down marriage and morality. http://www.uhuh.com/nwo/communism/comgoals.htm
I see no way out of the death spiral we are in without a major revival and turning back to God in every area of life.
Cultural change has consequences. Why did anyone think the thing that replaced Western Civilization would be any better?
In my experience, the attractive, gregarious, and outgoing young ladies are... well, stuck-up b!tches who are unable to appreciate a decent guy, despite their claims to wanting one.
(ie, they are the sort who demand a perfection from their guy, whilst demanding that he put-up/accept all their unreasonable demands.)
Marriage is just a bad deal for men, and has been for several decades. Beyond religious considerations, the only practical reason to marry, is to provide legitimacy to children. Outside of that, the law and the “culture” is stacked against us. Men aren’t looking for a rival, there are plenty enough of those in the world already.
Because no one ever thinks of questioning the basics of feminism and its effects on society. But on the other hand its good for toymakers who get a real life version of the movie “Big” for their bottom line.
In the begining the sex is often and a lot of fun. After a few weeks, it's a chore and boring with little or no 'newness' to it, and the woman 'forgets' about it. By then, the 'plans', which don't include your input, are made, and you have only two choices. Argue about it, which means you lose, even if you win. Or go along and still lose because you didn't argue about it in the first place.
So why even get yourself into that situation?
Too often the committment is give and take. The man gives up sports, carousing with his buds and things he did when he was single. The woman takes all that and more, making the male more like her girlfriends, and generally emasculating the male.
There are exceptions, of course.
(Enhanced flame suit on)
And you get societal approval for those acts. A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away) ambitious men couldn’t get far unless he toed the line on morality, householding and other matters. If a professional man were caught in the arms of a prostitute, in a compromising situation, or sometimes in the throes of divorce, he could wave goodbye to his professional ambitions. A man who wasn’t married, respectable and who with his wife was not contributing to the local community was looked at as weird or dangerous and not properly a candidate for promotion in the company. Between the difficulty of getting “whoopie” and the professional pressure to be married, men usually opted for marriage.
Since then, professional life and private life has been decoupled and, not too often, a family is considered an unwanted anchor dragging on a professional man. The family man resists working long hours or frequent transfers. He is a burden to the benefits offered by the company. In the legal profession, as an example, law firms stopped hiring only those associates it considered worthy of eventual partnership and started hiring more than they needed and gauging the internal competition among the associates to determine partnership offers. Expected billable hours skyrocketed and the firms reaped the benefit from increased profits. Married men couldn’t compete on the same level as single men and maintain their marriages.
So now marriage is little more than an accessory to many younger people, to be used or discarded as needs or desires dictate, which is truly sad because anyone who truly knows the institution of marriage for what it can be knows it takes years of hard work and practice to create that masterpiece that marriage can and should be. (Incidentally, because the article was framed in terms of men, I addressed it as such but the same applies to women.)
Uh...no. A whole generation of men have been told since childhood that they’re brutes, that they’re stupid, that they’re superficial, that all of the world’s ills have been caused by men. They’ve been conditioned to be ashamed of their manhood. In short, they’ve been emasculated.
However, biology overcomes psychology every time. The traditional role of men as provider and protector is now viewed as shameful, sexist and even racist. It should come as no surprise that dominant male behaviors manifest themselves in unforseen and ultimately destructive ways.
Well said, FRiend.
Those values are the bedrock upon which Western Civilization was built. 40 years of egalitarianism, counter-intuitive philosophy and an ethos that says "If it feels good, do it." has sent much of our society on the path to ruin.
Things that 50 years ago were down-right shameful (divorce, infidelity, illegitamcy) are now celebrated as a valued part of our culture.
20 years ago, an unmarried, highschool drop out with a drug addiction, three illegitimate children all with different fathers, on welfare, and with no desire whatsoever to work or better herself would have been the guest on Jerry Springer.
Today, she's an audience member on Oprah.
When the stock market crashed,
Franklin Roosevelt got on the television
and didnt just talk about
the princes of greed, he said,
Look, heres what happened."
-Slow Joe Biden
I am not bragging because I think this is digusting - I am a 48 year old married man (I wear a ring) in the last 4 months I have been chatted up by 4 women for sex. They were all divorced women who can’t find nice men to marry and have basically given up and are trying to find some comfort wherever they can - at the same time this lax attitude to sex is causing the very problems that they are experiencing as many men would see no need to get into a relationship if they can get enough sex and they would not consider these women for a relationship as they would think them to be skanks. It’s very sad to see that women have got the liberation they thought they wanted and yet there is no satisfaction in it for them.
And no they did not get anything out of me but a warning that they are going down the wrong track if they want someone to care for them!
1. divorce - All the Peter Pan males I know are the product of divorced homes. Everyone learns about marriage from their own parents.
2. Lack of a father's influence in teenage years. which is pretty much the result of number one plus illegitimacy.
3. Men hating mothers - These women disgust me. They laud divorce and tell jokes about men right in front of their own sons. No wonder their sons distrust women.
4. Fathers who won't do right by their children. That means be there and be head of the household. “Father” is an action not a title.
5.SEX is first and foremost, reproduction. Men and women are responsible for who the the other parent of their children is. When you have sex, you are agreeing that the other person can be the mother/father of your children.
6. Because sex causes children and children NEED a mother AND a father, marriage requires commitment.
7.Unfortunately, marriage is no longer about the needs of others but about the desires of the self. Men see marriage as a material transaction and want trophy wives/status symbols (and dismiss bad character in women if they have looks) and women want love and commitment from a sex they have been taught is dangerous and not worthy of trust (and dismiss bad character in men because they think this is normal).
There is always despair when you veer from the path that God created for you.
Try finding a sub 30 woman worth marrying in an urban setting. Seriously, If I was young and single I wouldn’t probably marry a one of em. They are all way too selfish and self absorbed.
I’m sure there are some that aren’t, but in a metropolitan area they are few and far between.
There is no honor among thieves and frauds. Men and women are hurting themselves and each other in more and more despicable ways. We are living in Sodom and Gomorrah. I fear for my nine children in this fundamental respect more than in any other economical or political concern.
“As in, “Why buy the cow when you get the milk for free.”?”
These days alot of men are going out for milk BECAUSE they have a cow at home.
I married at 26 to my best friend. She is still my best friend, thought we were born in different countries and speak different languages.
I can’t see what the problem with everyone else is. You make your life a paradise or a hell.
Why buy the cow if the milk is free and plentiful?
He's had many girlfriends since he was 16.
Not to mention... his words: Women are feminazis who lack common sense.
“And you get societal approval for those acts. A long time ago (in a galaxy far, far away) ambitious men couldnt get far unless he toed the line on morality, householding and other matters. If a professional man were caught in the arms of a prostitute, in a compromising situation, or sometimes in the throes of divorce, he could wave goodbye to his professional ambitions. A man who wasnt married, respectable and who with his wife was not contributing to the local community was looked at as weird or dangerous and not properly a candidate for promotion in the company. Between the difficulty of getting whoopie and the professional pressure to be married, men usually opted for marriage.”
You nailed it.
That, and if men do get married, there is a 50-50 chance she gets the house, the kids, and half his paycheck. At least if he makes a kid illegitimately, he keeps his home and proportionally more money - and less likely to get hit with domestic abuse charges by an ex-wife who sees it as a means to get more money and sole custody.
Maybe the marriage / legal system is so set against men that men choose not to marry, as their only protection.
1) They do exactly what you tell them.
2) If they don't you can fix them or replace them.
3) They don't spend all their time trying to change you. 4) You can turn them off and enjoy the quiet.
Similarly, I enjoy this example on the differences between men and women:
A group of men has gathered for an event (assuredly involving sports viewing, but it could be a D&D game for that matter.) They run out of dip. A short discussion will ensue, involving who is closer to the fridge, whose fridge it is, who got the last item of food for the group, and other weighable factors. An Alpha Male will rise to the top of the group, a subordinate will be selected, and he will be dispatched quickly to solve the problem by returning with the dip while the others go back to the game. Period from dip-negative to dip-positive, roughly two minutes
A group of women has gathered for an event. They run out of dip. A lengthy discussion will follow involving various recipes for dip, where they first tried each dip and who they were with, and what clothes they had on when they enjoyed the dip. The entire group will gravitate into the kitchen where the recipes will be evaluated against what is on hand, and the group will reach a joint resolution that they all can live with, whereupon dip will be made, tested, evaluated, enhanced, and produced for the group's enjoyment. Period from dip-negative to dip-positive, probably about a half an hour, but it may go longer if they finally decide everyone doesn't really like it and they have to go through the whole thing again.
Men value achievement, and women value consensus.
A third example would be that insane ethnic-sounding line dance nonsense that seems to show up at every wedding reception these days. Women who would baulk at their significant other telling them what to do line up like giggling schoolgirls to hear a man on a CD command "turn LEFT...dum, dum...slide BACK...dum, dum...do it AGAIN!" Generally the you can watch women of all ages cluster up for these songs, with a smattering of school-age boys dragged into the mix. Off to the side, waiting for it to end, you will find most of the men, hoping to God that their wives or significant others don't drag them onto the dance floor.
To the women, the event is getting together and everyone doing the same thing, with is a double-plus-good in their value system. To the men, the very same event offers only two outcomes: if they try and fail at the dance, they will be cut from their pack as being uncoordinated (and a doofus for trying), and if they try and succeed, well, congratulations, you dance like a girl.
Why should anybody care if men don’t want to settle down?
Our daughters are being taught they don’t need men, anyway.
WTH? The feminists claim they don’t need men then ridicule men for not needing women.
I've not had that happen, yet, but am astounded by the emails I get. About a year ago I was doing some research on a dancer and joined places like FaceBook, etc., asking for info. I am still getting offers from "Tiffany" and "Buffy" and all the rest who want to be my "friend". Granted some are cops and a few trolls/losers, but the volume indicates there's a lot of desperate people out there.
Ha ha! So true.
Of course, the murder rate would shoot (pun intended) through the roof.
Courts predisposed to sympathy for the wife, awarding her child custody and ridiculous sums in settlement while leaving you raped and mugged by the legal system.
Alienation of your children as your ex-wife spends every day ravaging you before them until they hate you as much as she does.
Nope, not a single reason to avoid the entanglements of marriage. Not at all.