Skip to comments.The Demise of Dating
Posted on 12/13/2008 4:13:29 AM PST by reaganaut1
The paradigm has shifted. Dating is dated. Hooking up is here to stay.
To help me understand this phenomenon, I called Kathleen Bogle, a professor at La Salle University in Philadelphia who has studied hooking up among college students and is the author of the 2008 book, Hooking Up: Sex, Dating and Relationships on Campus.
It turns out that everything is the opposite of what I remember. Under the old model, you dated a few times and, if you really liked the person, you might consider having sex. Under the new model, you hook up a few times and, if you really like the person, you might consider going on a date.
I asked her to explain the pros and cons of this strange culture. According to her, the pros are that hooking up emphasizes group friendships over the one-pair model of dating, and, therefore, removes the negative stigma from those who cant get a date. As she put it, It used to be that if you couldnt get a date, you were a loser. Now, she said, you just hang out with your friends and hope that something happens.
The cons center on the issues of gender inequity. Girls get tired of hooking up because they want it to lead to a relationship (the guys dont), and, as they get older, they start to realize that its not a good way to find a spouse. Also, theres an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.
Thats not good. So why is there an increase in hooking up? According to Professor Bogle, its: the collapse of advanced planning, lopsided gender ratios on campus, delaying marriage, relaxing values and sheer momentum.
(Excerpt) Read more at nytimes.com ...
Why would a man marry a woman who "hooks-up" with him and who has a long history of hook-ups with other men in the past, with the sexual diseases (some leading to infertility) to go along with them? If he does marry her, why should he be confident that his marriage will last, rather than being a 1-2yr hookup?
I’m not sure “hooking up” means getting together for sex. I believe when most people say they are hooking up what they mean is they are getting together with some buddies to hang out. Maybe it’s different on the east coast.
To stay under the 300 word limit I removed the text below, which makes the meaning clear:
"(For those over 30 years old: hooking up is a casual sexual encounter with no expectation of future emotional commitment. Think of it as a one-night stand with someone you know.)"
LOl.... progressive speak. Let’s call it what it really is....total rejection of the moral law.
For some reason the term “Hooking Up” reminds me of dogs.
Well, you’re half right. Hooking up always starts off as “just hanging out”.
(This is a GREAT DEAL, for the guys involved. They don’t have to spend a dime or pretend they love anybody first. They don’t have to waste a particle of energy on courtship rituals of any kind. The girls are now doing all that FOR them. WHY they do it is beyond me.)
The woman saith unto him,
Sir, I perceive that thou art a prophet.
reminds me of dogs.
My take exactly.
From the article:
“...lopsided gender ratios on campus,...”
Although he doesn’t dwell on it, this is the key. Now that colleges are 60/40 men, the guys set the rules, and hooking up works out great for guys.
...another FEMINIST success story. LOL.
“WHY they do it is beyond me.”
And that may be the most disturbing part of all of this. Women - contrary to what the femininst cram down their necks - are the real losers in this yet they pursue this lifestyle with almost grim determination even though it makes them unhappy.
Gee, I thought the feminist movement was about women being equal. Instead, they are now little more than sexual playthings for men to use without even a modicum of the traditional niceities of days gone by. Young women in droves have chosen to give it away for free and treat themselves with less respect than some prostitutes.
I just don’t get it.
That's my understanding as well and that's the way the article seemed to me.
Come on didn't you vote for the sexual revolution? Women are now free to fully express themselves. The women's center where I attended university passes out flavored condoms. So you don't worry about STDs along the way.
Get with it girl!
Girls and young women hook up because they think that’s how it’s supposed to be. You hook up, and maybe the guy will want to date you. Colossal FAIL. It’s so screwed up.
When I was in college, I was never, ever, not even once, “asked out” - and really, where would a couple go on a small campus in a small town? I chose to just not hook up at all and stayed single for a loooong time. But lots of my female friends, including my best friend who was a virgin until her senior year...fell for the hook-up lie because guys never asked them out. They just gave in and hooked up (slept with) the guy they liked because it was the only way to “get to” the guy they liked. This was in the early 90’s.
I tell my younger sis and her friends repeatedly that hooking up with a guy, then expecting a relationship is the wrong way to go. No one listens! Then they wonder why they never have long-term relationships. I compare it to buying a book from your favorite author, then reading the last chapter before reading it from the beginning.
From the NYT:
“Also, theres an increased likelihood of sexual assaults because hooking up is often fueled by alcohol.
Thats not good.”
Oh really? You sure that’s not good? The NYT seems to think they have to remind their stupid readers that sexual assualt is ‘not good’, ‘especially’ if it is fueled by alcohol. Good grief....(eye roll)
Even worse, if it is smoking a cigarette afterwards!
Many NYT readers probably do need to be reminded that a culture of "hookups", especially drunken ones, will lead to more allegations of sexual assault, some of which will be true.
“When I was in college, I was never, ever, not even once, asked out - and really, where would a couple go on a small campus in a small town? I chose to just not hook up at all and stayed single for a loooong time.”
Good for you! I hope my son meets a gal like you one day.
Not dating is not so bad either. I stopped dating completely during the ‘disco’ era just because I hated disco. I hated the clothes, the stupid music, the clubs, the lights, that mirrored ball hanging from the ceiling of every bar, the wierd way the guys dressed,danced and the pick up lines....EVERYTHING...LOL! (Showing my age here..lol)
Numbers don’t lie
You have a good point. I do so detest the NYT though. Their contempt for their own readers intelligence just drips from every page.
Not dating was one of the best decisions I ever made,too... and I did it again in my late 20’s. Tired of the dating scene (disco came back screaming for vengeance, you know!), I just opted out. And I still look back on that time fondly. My career took off, my house never looked better, I spent more time with friends and family. And I figured out what I really wanted in a boyfriend/husband.
LOL...I hope my son meets a gal like me someday, too. :)
Why would a woman marry a man who "hooks-up" with her and who has a long history of hook-ups with other women in the past, with the sexual diseases ... to go along with them? If she does marry him, why should she be confident that her marriage will last, rather than being a 1-2yr hookup?
And to think La Salle is a Catholic college.
Don't be a dupe who swallows this bull. This statistic is a lie, made up by those who poo-poo marriage or are trying to hijack the institution. The figure takes into account those who divorce and remarry multiple times - serial divorcers.
That said, the rate is still too high. And I believe it is increasing due to the seeds of social anarchy planted in the 60's and nurtured through the 70's.
Not me. I just didn't go to disco places.
Our 31 year old son was married at age 20 (so was I; so was the bride's dad). His bride was 18 (so was mine; so was the bride's mom).
Our son and the young lady did not begin to see each other at all until all six of us (couple and both sets of parents) had breakfast together one Summer morning and had a good long discussion of principles, rules and procedures. There was neither debate nor argument, we agreed, read the Scriptures and had prayer for God's wisdom and spiritual and moral protection for the couple.
During that year, until their wedding day, the couple was only together on family outings and church outings, or at our house or her family's house for dinner and games, Bible study, prayer, etc.
The couple was never one time off alone together in an automobile or anyplace else. They stayed at all times where family members could see them, even if their conversations could not always be overheard.
At the mid point of that year the couple determined they wanted to marry, and my son approached her dad about a formal engagement. Her dad called me. We both felt they had proved very positive things about themselves. Her dad consented to a formal engagement.
During the last three months of that year, the couple would take walks together in the evenings . . . from the house to the end of the driveway, oh, about 150 yards. Any family member (the bride was one of 8 children) could glance from the house and see the couple.
The couple never so much as held hands until her father, at the marriage altar, placed the bride's hand in the groom's hand and stated that he was giving her to him. Neither had ever been with another. Their first kiss and first embrace was upon our pastor pronouncing them husband and wife.
That was twelve years ago. They are head over heels in love today. They have given us three grandchildren thus far. They serve as missionaries in an Asian country.
This kind of good example is still possible today.
The story of our daughter's courtship is very similar, meaning that there is yet another family with similar convictions and principles. Actually there are thousands and thousands of us.
“For some reason the term Hooking Up reminds me of dogs.”
Your are close, very close....
Just curious, but how old are you? Not to disparage you, but I got a dose of it a couple of years ago.
I worked with a group of “kids” (I am in my late 40’s and they were 23, 24 years old) and I suggested that when we were on a business trip that we check into the hotel, and then “hook up” for dinner.
First I got some funny looks. Then they laughed at me.
Then they explained the change in terms.
I felt very old.
I was a bouncer at disco places. I wore ear plugs. It was torture.
And in my life, too, that seems to the be trend. In my family of 3 siblings, 2 have divorced. But assuming your own circle of experience represents the whole is a mistake. I've heard this 50% statistic refuted several times. If I find the link, I'll post it.
I would like to read it if you find it. Sometimes divorce really is the fault of one party... I married far too young and far too ignorant. I thought I had to get married to become a man... what an idiot I was. Thank GOD we had no children.
There were places to go that didn’t play disco? (grin)
I was just tired of the whole dating scene altogether back then and it was a good time(good excuse to my pals) to focus on more important things. It wasn’t all bad, I met my future husband during that era.
“Numbers dont lie”
They certainly don’t.
“Today, pleasure and egoism, or even immorality, are often exalted, in the name of false ideals of freedom and happiness.” It is necessary to reaffirm with clarity that purity of heart and body must be defended, because chastity safeguards authentic love.” ...John Paul II
I have to agree. Our moral compass is lost in this country. If people don't feel there will be any repercussions... physically or spiritually...they act without restraint.
A bucket of hot water use to fix that.
Well here we have a huge amount of dishonesty in the fourth paragraph.
Girls in today's culture demonstrate that do not want permanent relationships. They want a relationship until they get the kids grown, then they dump their guys and play around. I see this pattern over and over even in my church.
One of those seeds - at least in Texas - was the phenomenon of “no-fault divorce.”
No..hooking up pretty much means sex.
Interesting data at that link.
As i was reading thought the thread, and saw someone mention that “even marriages from the 70s ended up in divorce” I was thinking how the sexual revolution peaked in the 70s, so that is not at all surprising.
the data you linked supports that conclusion.
It's called, "Friends with benefits."
You know you are on a Conservative forum
when modern terms for promiscuity
have to be explained...
This story has to be the absolute infinitesimally rare case from that era of relationships. I don't regret at all how it turned out. I certainly don't recommend it to anyone either. It doesn't exactly jibe with my Christian beliefs or practices. I can only guess that in some way I don't understand, my wife and I have been blessed.
When will girls learn that if you’re givin’ away the milk for free, there’s no need for a guy to buy the cow?
“...total rejection of the moral law.”
It actually goes beyond that. In reality you might describe it as a total rejection of moral law, and absolute abhorrence of anyone who lives by or refers to it.
it reminds me of my old airborne days.