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When A Woman Isn't In The Mood: Part II (Female Nature, Sex And Men Alert)
Townhall.com ^ | 12/30/2008 | Dennis Prager

Posted on 12/29/2008 11:11:17 PM PST by goldstategop

n Part I, I made the argument that any woman who is married to a good man and who wants a happy marriage ought to consent to at least some form of sexual relations as much as possible. (Men need to understand that intercourse should not necessarily be the goal of every sexual encounter.)

In Part II, I advance the argument that a wife should do so even when she is not in the mood for sexual relations. I am talking about mood, not about times of emotional distress or illness.

Why?

Here are eight reasons for a woman not to allow not being in the mood for sex to determine whether she denies her husband sex.

1. If most women wait until they are in the mood before making love with their husband, many women will be waiting a month or more until they next have sex. When most women are young, and for some older women, spontaneously getting in the mood to have sex with the man they love can easily occur. But for most women, for myriad reasons -- female nature, childhood trauma, not feeling sexy, being preoccupied with some problem, fatigue after a day with the children and/or other work, just not being interested -- there is little comparable to a man’s “out of nowhere,” and seemingly constant, desire for sex.

2. Why would a loving, wise woman allow mood to determine whether or not she will give her husband one of the most important expressions of love she can show him? What else in life, of such significance, do we allow to be governed by mood?

What if your husband woke up one day and announced that he was not in the mood to go to work? If this happened a few times a year, any wife would have sympathy for her hardworking husband. But what if this happened as often as many wives announce that they are not in the mood to have sex? Most women would gradually stop respecting and therefore eventually stop loving such a man.

What woman would love a man who was so governed by feelings and moods that he allowed them to determine whether he would do something as important as go to work? Why do we assume that it is terribly irresponsible for a man to refuse to go to work because he is not in the mood, but a woman can -- indeed, ought to -- refuse sex because she is not in the mood? Why?

This brings us to the next reasons.

3. The baby boom generation elevated feelings to a status higher than codes of behavior. In determining how one ought to act, feelings, not some code higher than one’s feelings, became decisive: “No shoulds, no oughts.” In the case of sex, therefore, the only right time for a wife to have sex with her husband is when she feels like having it. She never “should” have it. But marriage and life are filled with “shoulds.”

4. Thus, in the past generation we have witnessed the demise of the concept of obligation in personal relations. We have been nurtured in a culture of rights, not a culture of obligations. To many women, especially among the best educated, the notion that a woman owes her husband sex seems absurd, if not actually immoral. They have been taught that such a sense of obligation renders her “property.” Of course, the very fact that she can always say “no” -- and that this “no” must be honored -- renders the “property” argument absurd. A woman is not “property” when she feels she owes her husband conjugal relations. She is simply wise enough to recognize that marriages based on mutual obligations -- as opposed to rights alone and certainly as opposed to moods -- are likely to be the best marriages.

5. Partially in response to the historical denigration of women’s worth, since the 1960s, there has been an idealization of women and their feelings. So, if a husband is in the mood for sex and the wife is not, her feelings are deemed of greater significance -- because women’s feelings are of more importance than men’s. One proof is that even if the roles are reversed -- she is in the mood for sex and he is not -- our sympathies again go to the woman and her feelings.

6. Yet another outgrowth of ’60s thinking is the notion that it is “hypocritical” or wrong in some other way to act contrary to one’s feelings. One should always act, post-’60s theory teaches, consistent with one’s feelings. Therefore, many women believe that it would simply be wrong to have sex with their husband when they are not in the mood to. Of course, most women never regard it as hypocritical and rightly regard it as admirable when they meet their child’s or parent’s or friend’s needs when they are not in the mood to do so. They do what is right in those cases, rather than what their mood dictates. Why not apply this attitude to sex with one’s husband? Given how important it is to most husbands, isn’t the payoff -- a happier, more communicative, and loving husband and a happier home -- worth it?

7. Many contemporary women have an almost exclusively romantic notion of sex: It should always be mutually desired and equally satisfying or one should not engage in it. Therefore, if a couple engages in sexual relations when he wants it and she does not, the act is “dehumanizing” and “mechanical.” Now, ideally, every time a husband and wife have sex, they would equally desire it and equally enjoy it. But, given the different sexual natures of men and women, this cannot always be the case. If it is romance a woman seeks -- and she has every reason to seek it -- it would help her to realize how much more romantic her husband and her marriage are likely to be if he is not regularly denied sex, even of the non-romantic variety.

8. In the rest of life, not just in marital sex, it is almost always a poor idea to allow feelings or mood to determine one’s behavior. Far wiser is to use behavior to shape one’s feelings. Act happy no matter what your mood and you will feel happier. Act loving and you will feel more loving. Act religious, no matter how deep your religious doubts, and you will feel more religious. Act generous even if you have a selfish nature, and you will end with a more a generous nature. With regard to virtually anything in life that is good for us, if we wait until we are in the mood to do it, we will wait too long.

The best solution to the problem of a wife not being in the mood is so simple that many women, after thinking about it, react with profound regret that they had not thought of it earlier in their marriage. As one bright and attractive woman in her 50s ruefully said to me, “Had I known this while I was married, he would never have divorced me.”

That solution is for a wife who loves her husband -- if she doesn’t love him, mood is not the problem -- to be guided by her mind, not her mood, in deciding whether to deny her husband sex.

If her husband is a decent man -- if he is not, nothing written here applies -- a woman will be rewarded many times over outside the bedroom (and if her man is smart, inside the bedroom as well) with a happy, open, grateful, loving, and faithful husband. That is a prospect that should get any rational woman into the mood more often.


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Culture/Society; Editorial; Philosophy
KEYWORDS: behavior; dennisprager; feelings; femalenature; genderwars; maritalvows; marriage; men; mood; obligations; partii; psychology; relationships; sex; townhall
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Female nature is guided by mood. Men have a constant desire for sex and often want it in non-romantic circumstances. A woman, in considering how to react to a man's wanting to initiate sex, should be guided by loving behavior rather than feelings, which can change. The right kind of behavior can bring unexpected rewards - be it in in a marriage or in any other life situation. Women need to do very little to please a man and get his undying love and gratitude. Just not get in the mood like showing love for one's spouse is a chore; it should be an expression of one's vows to one's beloved.

1 posted on 12/29/2008 11:11:18 PM PST by goldstategop
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To: goldstategop

This article says more about the man who wrote it than he probably imagines or would want.


2 posted on 12/29/2008 11:24:28 PM PST by Lorianne
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To: goldstategop

Sounds like he’s making the case for polygamy.....


3 posted on 12/29/2008 11:29:06 PM PST by dianed
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To: goldstategop

True, men want sex more than women..most anyway. OTOH, women like to talk, talk talk talk talk, I dont, but I do it because I love my wife. Now if I were to quit listening and communicating with my wife (as much as she wants me to anyhow, I would be just terrible,...right? Men and women are different, its a give and take thing.


4 posted on 12/29/2008 11:30:09 PM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: goldstategop

I have found the most annoying part of relationships is that you have to be romantic to have sex. Sorry I don’t feel like busting out flower petals just to get naughty.

I mean the candles and wine and the flowers— for what? A few minutes and that’s right I said it a few minutes. After a long day’s work I just mostly want to watch sports and some cable news and go to sleep with a little naughty in between. I don’t think that’s too much to ask.


5 posted on 12/29/2008 11:30:37 PM PST by exist
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To: Lorianne
You're free to disregard his insights. The obvious point is happiness doesn't come naturally to human beings - female or male. It has to be cultivated since one has to act rather than feel happy. But our post-60s zeitgeist is about "feelings" as opposed to doing what is right.

6 posted on 12/29/2008 11:31:41 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: dianed
I don't recall the author advocating infidelity. I think he did say marriage is about obligations instead of rights. We should think, for those of us who are married, what we owe our spouse rather than what we think is good for ourselves.

7 posted on 12/29/2008 11:34:49 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: exist

Oh, baby...you sure are a dreamy one. /sarc


8 posted on 12/29/2008 11:35:47 PM PST by I'm ALL Right! (When the people find that they can vote themselves money, that will herald the end of the republic.)
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To: goldstategop

I’m not disregaring his ‘insights’ at all.
He’s telling us more than he knows about himself.


9 posted on 12/29/2008 11:37:02 PM PST by Lorianne
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To: exist
There's a place for romance in a relationship. But every man on earth simply wishes a woman is turned on for no other reason than he wants her right then and there. And if a woman is not receptive to a man's advances at that point, she will never understand what makes her so attractive to him that at times, he wants to dispense with the protocol and just on a dare, throw all caution to the wind!

10 posted on 12/29/2008 11:38:13 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: Lorianne
He has experience to draw on. Prager intends it to be helpful but it might not work for every one or for every situation. In which case, it doesn't apply at all.

11 posted on 12/29/2008 11:40:26 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

One infallible rule for a strong and successful marriage: Each partner strives to give 51% in every situation the marriage encounters.

Or in other words, a good marriage requires each partner to work at making it a good relationship. Without such a commitment from both husband and wife, the marriage will eventually fail.

Oh, yeah ... “failure” doesn’t always mean divorce.


12 posted on 12/29/2008 11:42:49 PM PST by logos (There's a lot of stupid out there.)
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To: goldstategop

I think this says something about the kind of women some men choose as wives. Fortunately or unfortunately, a woman’s appearance is more important to many men than her character. Generosity and an easygoing nature have something to do with “sexiness” along with appearance.


13 posted on 12/29/2008 11:43:26 PM PST by malkee (Abigail Adams is my role model.)
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To: Snurple
Women want emotional intimacy and men want physical intimacy. The sexes demonstrate their connection in different ways but in the end its a common language. Love.

14 posted on 12/29/2008 11:44:07 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

Dennis Prager has a woman who comes on his radio program named Allison Armstrong. She is an expert in male-female relationships and is quite interesting to listen to. She believes that men need to be appreciated and that many women don’t do this which eventually leads to the “breaking point”.

No where can a man feel more appreciated than in the context of this article.

One more thing: Dennis has been married at least twice so maybe he wasn’t “appreciated” in the past.


15 posted on 12/29/2008 11:44:26 PM PST by svxdave (Life is too short to wear a fake Rolex.)
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To: logos

So true. That’s exactly why most marriages fail now days, people are not willing to give, all they want is to take, men and women.


16 posted on 12/29/2008 11:45:57 PM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: Lorianne

True, but your posts are also telling us more than you know about yourself...


17 posted on 12/29/2008 11:46:15 PM PST by piytar
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To: malkee
For men, looks are important. But that's not to say other qualities aren't valued. Of course if all they want is a one night stand, character is not much of a concern.

18 posted on 12/29/2008 11:46:43 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

yup


19 posted on 12/29/2008 11:47:08 PM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: I'm ALL Right!

C’mon, nothing says “romance” to a woman more than a tired man watching sports and cable news...


20 posted on 12/29/2008 11:47:38 PM PST by DTogo (I haven't left the GOP, the GOP left me.)
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To: goldstategop

This cracks me up as most women I talk to in long term relationships whine that their men aren’t sexual ENOUGH! Where does the myth perpetuate itself that men in long term relationships are horn dogs? Women want it a lot more then it is being put out there. Delusion. Pure delusion this married or long term relationship man is not getting enough. Sounds to me like they need to pick up their game and get back in the batting cage and start warming up for the lady! :-)


21 posted on 12/29/2008 11:48:15 PM PST by GOP Poet
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To: svxdave
Marriage is the toughest role in the world and it takes a strong couple to make it last.

22 posted on 12/29/2008 11:48:43 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

Yes. Great points. Well said!


23 posted on 12/29/2008 11:50:20 PM PST by GOP Poet
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To: goldstategop

Thats exactly what the bible says.


24 posted on 12/29/2008 11:51:24 PM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: goldstategop

Once again a great point! You sound like a very wise person.


25 posted on 12/29/2008 11:51:35 PM PST by GOP Poet
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To: GOP Poet
From my experience, my ex surprised me before I had to leave. Its not just a guy who can be a horn dog. It was unforgettable, that's all I'll say here. ;-)

26 posted on 12/29/2008 11:53:09 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: DTogo
If a man won't get in the mood, a woman can take him away from the beer and the football game on TV. With the right incentive...

27 posted on 12/29/2008 11:58:22 PM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: logos
Coming home to the same face every day for a lifetime can be a good thing for some people... and bore others stiff. I bet the latter category is what accounts for those who are divorced in this country.

28 posted on 12/30/2008 12:00:39 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

LOL. :-). Love is crazy aye? Some women are full of surprises—positive at times and at others negative. May you be blessed with plenty of the former :-D.


29 posted on 12/30/2008 12:01:10 AM PST by GOP Poet
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To: goldstategop

Nothing quite like a good spur of the moment Quickie.

She may not be exactly in the mood at the start, but she usually is pretty soon ...

20 years and still loving it.


30 posted on 12/30/2008 12:01:50 AM PST by dadgum (Tee Hee)
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To: GOP Poet
When two people find a connection, it flows like electricity between them. It can be beautiful and no one knows why they are star-crossed.

31 posted on 12/30/2008 12:03:22 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: malkee

I was blessed. my wife was really good looking and really sweet, she still is after 25 years. :)


32 posted on 12/30/2008 12:03:33 AM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: goldstategop

If all they want is a one night stand, looks aren’t much of a concern, either. I’m talking about the women men marry. I repeatedly at work have had men complain to me about their wives. And I tell them I don’t want to hear it. Either they have chosen wives who are innately selfish (love to spend money, much of which goes to beautifying themselves), or else the women are too tired from working out, on top of all their other duties. I once asked a man what he would do if his wife no longer worked out so she had more time for him but got fat in the process. He had no answer.


33 posted on 12/30/2008 12:04:45 AM PST by malkee (Abigail Adams is my role model.)
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To: dadgum
Its a good idea to refrain from making love only in the bedroom. Too many couples just get stuck in a rut and then the best part of what they have together withers on the vine. Use your imagination... and take it alfresco, as long as you are sure no one can see you and the police can't cite you. Have fun!

34 posted on 12/30/2008 12:06:01 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: malkee
Expecting your better half to look and be as good as they did when they were 20, is stretching things. Enjoy the changes for what they are and appreciate them.

35 posted on 12/30/2008 12:08:08 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

> But every man on earth simply wishes a woman is turned on for no other reason than he wants her right then and there.

Not me. Might be true for some guys, dunno.


36 posted on 12/30/2008 12:11:23 AM PST by DieHard the Hunter (Is mise an ceann-cinnidh. Cha ghéill mi do dhuine. Fàg am bealach.)
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To: goldstategop

Alas, I have no better half. Perhaps it will happen someday.


37 posted on 12/30/2008 12:12:35 AM PST by malkee (Abigail Adams is my role model.)
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To: malkee
If all they want is a one night stand, looks aren’t much of a concern, either. I’m talking about the women men marry. I repeatedly at work have had men complain to me about their wives. And I tell them I don’t want to hear it. Either they have chosen wives who are innately selfish (love to spend money, much of which goes to beautifying themselves), or else the women are too tired from working out, on top of all their other duties. I once asked a man what he would do if his wife no longer worked out so she had more time for him but got fat in the process. He had no answer.

Now that was a darn good question. You are a smart one.

38 posted on 12/30/2008 12:17:20 AM PST by GOP Poet
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To: goldstategop

Dennis, maybe she’s just not that into you.


39 posted on 12/30/2008 12:18:39 AM PST by Yaelle
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To: DieHard the Hunter
That's true of guys. It would come as a revelation to women that men can be driven by nothing more than than lust. Its not the same as love, which is why male nature can separate the two - sex and love - to an extent unfathomable to the female of the species.

40 posted on 12/30/2008 12:19:58 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: goldstategop

I am a romantic and I could write a book in response to this article, but I am going to keep it simple and just brag. ;>)

“Until She Walked Into That Room”

I met a beautiful young gal when she was 20. I was 3 years older than her. I had just gotten out of the Army and some folks saw me as a bit of a bad boy. She had been to College and was quite a musician.

She wasn’t the least bit interested in me. I was in love the first time I set eyes on her, but I knew I wasn’t the marrying kind of guy and I didn’t ever want to settle down..ever.

It was like making love just to hear her voice. When I looked into her eyes I couldn’t hardly speak, and when she walked near me.. my knees would feel weak. The skin on her face was so smooth and tan, and her scent was magical, and her lips like a rosebud. Her long flowing brunet hair was the most beautiful I had ever seen and it would flow around as she walked or simply turned her head.

When I was away from her, my stomach would feel sick and it was tough to sleep. For what seemed like an eternity I just couldn’t get her interested in me.

Finally we became friends and then best friends, and just hung out together. I was so proud to just be seen with her. When she walked into any room, all heads turned. Everyone that meets her instantly falls in love with her glowing personality, as it is to this very day.

Well, jumping ahead........ she finally became my bride. That was over 36 years ago.... and we are still newlyweds. To this day, I introduce this wonderful lady as my bride or my best friend.

I guess all that was to work up to saying, when I am in the mood (typical male here) so is she, and when she is... I’m there!

We have successfully raised two great kids and have 7 grandchildren, and although I am getting old, she hasn’t aged. When I look into her eyes, I still see that beautiful 20 year old young lady I met so many wonderful years ago.

We never read a single book on how to make things work.

Maybe it’s because we didn’t know the rules that we managed to make a wonderful life together. Maybe it worked because I have always been a gentleman to her... and she’s alway been such an incredible lady to me.

Funny, when I was young, I wanted to remain a playboy and never settle down.... “until she walked into that room”.


41 posted on 12/30/2008 12:20:44 AM PST by Gator113 ("Noli nothis permittere te terere.")
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To: GOP Poet

EXACTLY. Even the studly conservative men of FR only seem to find 20-something actresses hot. So if you are over 40 and a woman, where are all these supposed horndog husbands? I know a lot of women that would appreciate Dennis Prager’s voracious appetite. Why does he find only the women who don’t want it?


42 posted on 12/30/2008 12:22:21 AM PST by Yaelle
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To: Yaelle
If its her mood, few men want to try to decipher it. Figuring out what women want has spawned an entire cottage industry, starting with John Gray and his would be imitators.

"Show me just what Mohammed brought that was new, and there you will find things only evil and inhuman, such as his command to spread by the sword the faith he preached." - Manuel II Palelologus

43 posted on 12/30/2008 12:22:23 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: Gator113

Thats neat, after 25 years I still feel the same way, shes my best friend.


44 posted on 12/30/2008 12:23:09 AM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: Yaelle
Who says he's addressing a female audience of a certain age? I think the advice is directed at adult married women in general.

45 posted on 12/30/2008 12:25:01 AM PST by goldstategop (In Memory Of A Dearly Beloved Friend Who Lives In My Heart Forever)
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To: Gator113

You are the husband from central casting!!! Wow!! Your wife is very lucky.


46 posted on 12/30/2008 12:25:13 AM PST by Yaelle
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To: goldstategop
A good man has no “NOT IN THE MOOD “ experiences!
47 posted on 12/30/2008 12:26:24 AM PST by BellStar
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To: Snurple

Ain’t it grand. ;>)


48 posted on 12/30/2008 12:27:50 AM PST by Gator113 ("Noli nothis permittere te terere.")
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To: BellStar

If you treat her right she will treat you right..;)


49 posted on 12/30/2008 12:27:52 AM PST by Snurple (VEGETARIAN, OLD INDIAN WORD FOR BAD HUNTER.)
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To: goldstategop

Look, Dennis has real points here. But what I resent is that he is thinking that all women are like that. SOME are. But there are women out there who would not turn down their man unless the baby was ill or the house was on fire, but the MAN might not be there for her. And Dennis, I assume, is not talking only about 23-yr-old trophy wives (he must be close to 60?).

But it’s always about the neglected HUSBAND. Always.


50 posted on 12/30/2008 12:28:32 AM PST by Yaelle
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