After the Feds Bail Out the Porn Industry

American Thinker ^ | January 10, 2009 | Doug Powers

[neverdem]

Ever wonder what it might be like if the government ran the porn industry? We may soon find out.

Sleezeballs, smut peddlers, hustlers and those who make a living by profiting from the scummy underbelly of society -- I'm of course referring to Congress -- will soon see the porn industry requesting a bailout:

Girls Gone Wild CEO Joe Francis and "Hustler" magazine publisher Larry Flynt have said they will petition Congress for financial aid along the lines of what the Big Three auto makers are getting.

Francis said that he and Flynt are asking for $5 billion, and that they have sent letters to Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, Congress and their local Congressman, Henry Waxman (D-Calif.) with the proposal. Rep. Waxman's office did not immediately respond to a request for comment.

With the $5 billion, they would "invest in building new means of distribution, and shoring up our distribution right now to prevent further erosion from factors like Youporn and other Internet content that has seriously affected our business over the past few years," Francis said in an interview with FOX Business. "We will use the money wisely, and we will create more jobs."

By the way, this is a business in which "Too big to fail" isn't just a catch phrase -- it's the title of one of the movies that will be produced with the bailout money. The only mistake Flynt and Francis are making is that the bailout money would be in their hands quicker if they'd promise to use the cash to invest in hybrid sex toys for use in all films -- because any good member of Congress likes to know his filth is "green."

Actually, I heard from a well-placed source of mine... in the porn industry... that Congress has told Francis and Flynt that they'll get their money, but only if the government can run their businesses for them, just like is happening with the auto industry.

At least we've finally found something practical Congress is actually qualified to do. Who better to oversee the porn industry than some of the world's biggest schmucks?

If the government ever does take over the porn industry, what would happen? Not only will the production of a $10,000 video come in $535 million over budget only before realizing during the movie's premiere that the camera operator forgot to remove the lense cap, but we can also look forward to movies with great titles like this:

Dirk Diggler lectures barely legal teens about the dangers of second-hand smoke

Takin' it in the earmark

Senate Intelligence Committee Girls Gone Wild!

Larry Craig in ‘Stalled Negotiations'

DILFs on RILFs!

Orgy in the Pub(l)ic Trough

The secret in Barney Frank's apartment

Phil, A-Buster

Tammy Taxpayer Gets Uncle Sam's Stimulus Package

The Ponzi Ream

The Minority Whip

And of course the most appropriately titled government porn ever: Wildly Incompetent F@%#s!

[KarlInOhio]

I doubt that the porn producers actually expected to get bailout money. They just wanted to say something outrageous that was sure to get attention. Considering the number of threads here at Free Republic about the topic, they succeeded beyond their wildest dreams.

[mnehring]

After the porn industry it will either be the antiviral medication producers or baby diaper industry.

[pepsionice]

They basically got free advertising, and a mention on the weekend political chat shows. They are also making a point...where exactly does bailout end?

They readily admit that they’ve lost over twenty percent of their business in the past year...but still don’t have a problem in procuring credit with banks.

[period end of story]

Maybe this will get Congress to prick up their ears.

[pandoraou812]

Shaking my head again.

[JSDude1]

NO; this would be the last straw (I am sure God will NOT bless us if we bailout porn)!

[napscoordinator]

With all the money being flushed down the toilet, what the heck? Give it to anyone who asks as they seem to be going that route anyway. When will it end??? Will the result of the other bailouts being mentioned really get the economy back on it’s feet?

[jws3sticks]

Where’s Billie Blob Slick in this effort? All over it like you know what on a blue dress, is my guess.

[sten]

to be honest... if you are bailing out businesses just because they weren’t making the amount of money they would like, then you really can’t bitch when one of the unseemly businesses show up with their hand out.

of course, the underlying problem is that its all socialism and should not be done at all. the net result of these actions will be forestalling the failure of these same companies... as the practices that got them here won’t change, and any amount of money thrown into that bottomless well is only going to lengthen the amount of time until it happens again.

actual capitalism would have these companies fail, and the companies that survive would survive due to proper practices... and would end up either buying the assets from the failed large companies or assuming their customer base, thereby becoming the large companies in the next generation.

pushing bailouts just shows me that the ‘leaders’ of our country do not understand the basics of capitalism

[2harddrive]

What good is a thread ike this without ILUSTRATIONS?

[henry_reardon]

the porm peddlers asking for a bail out is just awesome. It’s obviously satire on their part. At first I thought this was the plot line from a south park episode.

[TigersEye]

Shaking my head again.

That's fine but I think you're supposed to shake some other stuff on a thread like this. WEFG

[pandoraou812]

I will leave that up to Hillary & Mrs 0 thank you....TSO@U

[Holicheese]

I am hoping that we will all receive a free copy of “Shaving Ryan’s Privates”, “When Harry Meated Sally”, and “ Men in Back” as part of the porn bailout!