One of my favorite political jokes is this:
The six dialectical contradictions of socialism in the USSR:
- There is full employment yet no one is working.
- No one is working yet the factory quotas are fulfilled.
- The factory quotas are fulfilled yet the stores have nothing to sell.
- The stores have nothing to sell yet people got all the stuff at home.
- People got all the stuff at home yet everyone is complaining.
- Everyone is complaining yet the voting is always unanimous.
It reads like a poem only instead of the rhythm of syllables and rhyming sounds, its the rhythm of logic and rhyming meanings. If I could replicate it, I might start a whole new genre of contradictory six-liners. It would be extremely difficult to keep it real and funny at the same time, but Ill try anyway.
Dialectical contradictions are one of the pillars in Marxist philosophy, which states that contradictions eventually lead to a unity of opposites as the result of a struggle. This gave a convenient scientific excuse for the existence of contradictions in a socialist society, where opposites were nice and agreeable unlike the wild and crazy opposites of capitalism that could never be reconciled. Hence the joke.
Then I moved to America, where wild and crazy opposites of capitalism were supposedly at their worst. Until recently, however, the only contradictions that struck me as irreconcilable were these:
- America is capitalist and greedy yet half of the population is subsidized.
- Half of the population is subsidized yet they think they are victims.
- They think they are victims yet their representatives run the government.
- Their representatives run the government yet the poor keep getting poorer.
- The poor keep getting poorer yet they have things that people in other countries only dream about.
- They have things that people in other countries only dream about yet they want America to be more like those other countries.
- Without capitalism thered be no Hollywood yet filmmakers hate capitalism.
- Filmmakers hate capitalism yet they sue for unauthorized copying of their movies.
- They sue for unauthorized copying yet on screen they teach us to share.
- On screen they teach us to share yet they keep their millions to themselves.
- They keep their millions to themselves yet they revel in stories of American misery and depravity.
- They revel in stories of American misery and depravity yet they blame the resulting anti-American sentiment on conservatism.
- They blame the anti-American sentiment on conservatism yet conservatism ensures the continuation of a system that makes Hollywood possible.
I never thought I would see socialist contradictions in America, let alone write about them. But somehow all attempts to organize life according to progressive principles always result in such contradictions. And in the areas where progressives have assumed positions of leadership education, news media, or the entertainment industry contradictions become historically inevitable.
If one were accidentally to open his eyes and compare the progressive narrative with facts on the ground, one might start asking questions. Why, for instance, if the war on terror breeds more terrorists, havent there been attacks on the U.S. soil since 2001? Why, if George W. Bush had removed our freedom of speech, was nobody ever arrested for saying anything? And if Obama has returned us our freedoms, why was a man harassed by police in Oklahoma for having an anti-Obama sign in his car? Why would anyone who supports free speech want to silence talk radio? And why is silencing the opposition called the Fairness Doctrine?
As if that were not enough, the same bleeding hearts are now trying to fix this by nationalizing the banks so that they can keep issuing risky loans through community organizers. In other words, to prevent the toast from landing buttered side down, theyre planning to butter the toast on both sides and hope that it will hover in mid-air. Which also seems like a sensible alternative energy initiative.
If that doesnt fix the problem, theres always the last resort of a liberal: blame capitalism. Its always a win-win. Today government regulators may be blaming capitalism for the crisis caused by their dilettantish tampering with the economy, but who do you think they will credit after market forces resuscitate the economy?
Years ago, living in America made me feel as though I had traveled in a time machine from the past. But after the recent revolutionary changes have turned reality on its head which is what revolution literally means Im getting an uneasy feeling I had come from your future.
As your comrade from the future, I also feel a social obligation to help my less advanced comrades in the American community, and prepare them for the transition to the glorious world of underground literature, half-whispered jokes, and the useful habit of looking over your shoulder. Dont become a nation of cowards but watch who might be listening.
Lets start with these few.
- Liberals believe theyre advancing peoples power yet they dont believe people can do anything right without their guidance.
- People cant do anything right yet the government bureaucracy can do everything.
- The government bureaucracy can do everything yet liberals dont like it when the government takes control of their lives.
- Liberals dont like it when the government takes control of their lives yet they vote for programs that increase peoples dependency on the government.
- They vote for programs that increase peoples dependency on the government yet they believe theyre advancing peoples power.
Bush and the media:
- The media said Bush was dumb yet he won over two intelligent Democrats.
- He won over two intelligent Democrats yet the media said his ratings were hopeless.
- The media said his ratings were hopeless yet the 2004 electoral map was red.
- The 2004 electoral map was red yet the media said his policies failed.
- The media said his policies failed yet the economy grew and the war was won.
- The economy grew and the war was won yet the media said we needed change.
- Liberals have been in charge of education for 50 years yet education is out of control.
- Education is out of control yet liberal teaching methods prevail.
- Liberal teaching methods prevail yet public schools are failing.
- Public schools are failing yet their funding keeps growing.
- Their funding keeps growing yet public schools are always underfunded.
- Public schools are always underfunded yet private schools yield better results for less.
- Private schools yield better results for less yet public education is the only way out of the crisis.
- Foreign radicals hate America yet theyre all wearing American blue jeans.
- Theyre all wearing American blue jeans yet they disdain American culture.
- They disdain American culture yet they play American music, movies, and video games.
- They play American music, movies, and video games yet they call Americans uncivilized.
- They call Americans uncivilized yet they expect Americans to defend their civilization.
- They expect Americans to defend their civilization yet they think American capitalism is outdated.
- They think American capitalism is outdated yet most of their countries require American handouts.
(* Some Democrat politicians have similar opinions about their redneck constituents yet they wont shut up about how proud they are to have their mandate.)
Liberals and taxes:
- Liberals want to help the poor yet they wont give money to charities.
- They wont give money to charities yet theyd like the government to become a gigantic charity.
- Theyd like the government to become a gigantic charity yet the money has to be taken from people by force.
- The money has to be taken from people by force yet they call it welfare.
- They call it welfare yet higher taxes make everyone poorer.
- Higher taxes make everyone poorer yet liberals find ways not to pay taxes.
- Liberals find ways not to pay taxes yet they get to be chosen to run the government.
Liberals and the CIA:
- The CIA is a reactionary institution yet its agents always leak information that helps liberals politically.
- CIA agents always leak information that helps liberals politically yet liberals say the CIA is clueless.
- Liberals say the CIA is clueless yet in their movies the CIA is running the world.
- In their movies the CIA is running the world yet they tell us that better intelligence could have prevented the war.
- Better intelligence could have prevented the war yet enhanced interrogations of captured terrorists must not be allowed.
Love and marriage:
- Sex differences are the result of social conditioning yet homosexuality is biological.
- Homosexuality is biological yet everybody is encouraged to experiment with it.
- Everybody is encouraged to experiment with it yet venereal diseases are treated at the taxpayers expense.
- Venereal diseases are treated at the taxpayers expense yet taxpayers have no right to impose standards since there are no moral absolutes.
- There are no moral absolutes yet gay marriage is an absolute must.
- Gay marriage is an absolute must yet family is an antiquated tool of bourgeois oppression.