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Dr. Laura : Staying Together for the Kids? Donít!
Newsmax ^ | May 18,2009 | Dr. Laura Schelssinger

Posted on 06/15/2009 8:19:28 AM PDT by SeekAndFind

he first week of April had me visiting many of the major national television programs to talk about my new book, "In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms."

One typical concern various interviewers shared was the problem of taking care of children at home by a parent when there’s been a divorce, which generally results in day care and a working custodial parent . . . usually the mother.

I respond by pointing out two concepts I believe are “truths.” One, that the quality of love and attention of a parent is superior to that of hired help (nanny, day-care worker, baby sitter), and two, that children have the best opportunity to grow up healthy, happy, and functional with a married mommy and daddy. That some people can’t or won’t provide those things doesn’t change their importance to a child.

I remember when my husband and I decided to become parents. I specifically asked: “Is there any reason you can see after all the years we’ve known each other that you might decide to divorce me? Because if there is even an ounce of ambivalence in either of us to this marital commitment, we shouldn’t have a child and risk the quality of their lives.”

My follow-up joke was, “I would not consider divorce. However, if you see me driving a trash truck right at you while my face is scowling —look out!”

Sadly, too many folks don’t consider these issues out loud before they marry and before they have children. When the stresses of life pile up, their individual or mutual inability to live by their vows evaporates.

Of course, the bond may be broken irrevocably when violence, addictions, and/or infidelities occur.

(Excerpt) Read more at newsmax.com ...


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS: divorce; drlaura; manhater; marriage; savethemales; talkradio
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1 posted on 06/15/2009 8:19:29 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
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To: SeekAndFind

The headline and the column seem to make contrary points...


2 posted on 06/15/2009 8:21:34 AM PDT by utahagen
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To: SeekAndFind

Laura needs to get her own life in order before dishing out advice like she is some kind of pro at life.


3 posted on 06/15/2009 8:22:48 AM PDT by CodeToad (If it weren't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable!)
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To: SeekAndFind

This is going to be a very long thread.


4 posted on 06/15/2009 8:23:23 AM PDT by Jeff Chandler (The University of Notre Dame's motto: "Kill our unborn children? YES WE CAN!")
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To: SeekAndFind

As a product of the 70’s child support rush called “I am just not being fulfilled as a woman” divorce and all it entailed (latchkey kid with wayyyy to much free time on my hands) STAY TOGETHER FOR THE KIDS.

Usually when you get over your itch, you’ll be happy you did.

Not everyone should stay together, I’m divorced and remarried. But look at the reasons you want out. “I’m just not happy” is a lousy excuse to bust up a home when most of the time it seems the problem isn’t the marraige but that one partner needs to find something outside the home to occupy them without crapping on the other partner (ie: no affairs, but a hobby or something).

Just an observation and not a judgement on anyone.


5 posted on 06/15/2009 8:31:17 AM PDT by autumnraine (Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose- Kris Kristoferrson)
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To: SeekAndFind
Dr. Laura comes on after Rush at work so we listen to her show just to keep some background noise. Most days we can't make it through her show. IMO she SUCKS! She never gives her callers a chance to speak, and even though she says she is just being straight forward, I think that a lot of the time she is plain insulting. I agree with not sugar coating things, but insulting people isn't a good substitute.

Granted, there are callers that definitely bring the pain on themselves, but some people call in wanting genuine advice and I don't think she helps at all.

6 posted on 06/15/2009 8:32:37 AM PDT by Mind Freed ("Every man has the right to be a fool 5 minutes a day. Wisdom is not exceeding the limit.")
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To: CodeToad
Laura needs to get her own life in order before dishing out advice like she is some kind of pro at life.

Are you saying that her advice is bad?

7 posted on 06/15/2009 8:32:59 AM PDT by Alex Murphy
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To: SeekAndFind
I support divorce in cases where there is violence. Otherwise, I disapprove.

People seem to have the notion that kids do poorly with 2 unhappy parents being together, and that kids do better with the 2 parents being apart and trying to work out some sort of sharing arrangement.

In my experience, the situation is quite opposite. Even with bickering parents, kids benefit from a family under one roof. Just my opinion.

8 posted on 06/15/2009 8:33:24 AM PDT by ClearCase_guy (We are a ruled people, serfs to the Federal Oligarchy -- and the Tree of Liberty thirsts)
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To: SeekAndFind

My brother is going through this. His wife of 17 years had an affair. They have 3 kids (16,12,7). Even though he was betrayed, he couldn’t fathom getting divorced so he forgave her and they entered therapy. Then, 6 months later, he caught her with the same guy. Devastating. Now he lives in an apartment a mile from their house. he sees his kids everyday and they haven’t formally divorced.

The problem is the children are upset with him because her moved out. He can’t tell the truth to them (that their mom is a cheating whore) but it’s killing him inside.

He will tell the kids what happened soon, then any semblance of civility with evaportae between him and his soon to be ex. It’s ugly.

I’ve been married 7 years, have 2 kids, and othet than the normal stresses of married life - money, work, fatigue etc things are good. I can’t imagine what I’d do if my wife cheated on me.


9 posted on 06/15/2009 8:35:16 AM PDT by strider44
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Comment #10 Removed by Moderator

To: utahagen
The headline and the column seem to make contrary points...

Don't blame me, I'm required to copy the headline as it is written.
11 posted on 06/15/2009 8:38:13 AM PDT by SeekAndFind
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To: SeekAndFind
Some of what the article says makes sense. Not all, but some.

Before my wife and I were married we had some serious discussions about what marriage meant to each other.

I had an exceptional mother and father. They were married over 25 years before my father died.
They showed love to each other, even in front of us kids (ewwwwww), they argued, but never fought, they taught their kids that marriage was forever so be VERY careful who you marry.

My wife and I aren't as good as my parents were but we both believed, before we were married, that marriage is forever, till death do us part, etc.
It has carried us through some tough times to know that just because we were mad at each other didn't mean we didn't still love each other.

12 posted on 06/15/2009 8:38:28 AM PDT by Just another Joe (Warning: FReeping can be addictive and helpful to your mental health)
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To: ClearCase_guy

Bickering parents leads to the possibility that the daughters will seek husbands just like their bickering fathers. This is how is has played out with my oldest daughter who is in the verge of ending the marriage. And I fear their daughters will gravitate towards the same emotional abuser.


13 posted on 06/15/2009 8:39:08 AM PDT by sarasota
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To: Alex Murphy

Yes. Most often she likes to dish out advice without knowing the situation. Any therapist knows never to diagnose and prescribe before knowing the facts.

Her advice is all over the map and she has routinely changed by views.


14 posted on 06/15/2009 8:40:51 AM PDT by CodeToad (If it weren't for physics and law enforcement I'd be unstoppable!)
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To: SeekAndFind

Oh, I know it’s not your fault. I suspect the editor who wrote the headline was either sloppy or didn’t agree with Dr. Laura’s actual conclusion.


15 posted on 06/15/2009 8:40:54 AM PDT by utahagen
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To: SeekAndFind
People should actually try reading the article before commenting and attacking Dr. Laura. She is advocating that couples stay together for the children unless it is dangerous or destructive to do so. The Newsmax title is totally contradictory to the content of the article.
16 posted on 06/15/2009 8:41:00 AM PDT by Nevadan
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Comment #17 Removed by Moderator

Comment #18 Removed by Moderator

To: CodeToad

Having learned first-hand from (and having therefore recognized) one’s mistakes

almost guarantees

one’s advice is worth considering.

A doctor who has an addiction to smoking and has terminal lung cancer is NOT a hypocrite when he tells you should never try smoking because it will mess up your life. Not sure why you suggest otherwise regarding Dr. Laura - unless perhaps because some of her moral advice is critical of your own choices and you wish to see her discredited.


19 posted on 06/15/2009 8:46:20 AM PDT by Notwithstanding (very punny)
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To: autumnraine

You’re right, Autumnraine


20 posted on 06/15/2009 8:46:53 AM PDT by Shimmer1 (We can't control the wind... but we can adjust the sails.)
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To: CodeToad

1. No one ever has their life completely together
and
2. She’s right, so what’s your beef?


21 posted on 06/15/2009 8:47:41 AM PDT by Shimmer1 (We can't control the wind... but we can adjust the sails.)
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To: Alex Murphy

Are you saying that her advice is bad?

I do. Divorce is horrible on families. I am thankful that in my family,divorce is zero tolerance beginning with my two sets of grandparents (both sets made it over 50 years before the death of their spouse). My parents are heading towards 42 in October. My sister is in her 13th year. I am in my 14th year. My brother is going on 10 years in November. Why divorce just because you had a bad day. She should not be giving marriage advice when she could not keep her own marriage from falling apart. However, her ex probably could not stand listening to her all day so I give him a pass...lol.


22 posted on 06/15/2009 8:50:40 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: SeekAndFind

It’s quite badly put. I think the good? Dr. S. would rather see a stressed marriage have no kids than to gamble with kids then have the marriage cast into clumsy efforts to keep it going for the kids’ sake. But again her Orthodox Judaism is more permissive on divorce than is biblical Christianity, so it’s seen as more acceptable in the devout synagogue than in the devout church.


23 posted on 06/15/2009 8:55:40 AM PDT by HiTech RedNeck (In only 19 weeks, 0 has enabled us to agree with the Taliban [his empty speechifying] - Iron Munro)
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To: strider44

Wow, this sounds way too familiar to me.


24 posted on 06/15/2009 8:57:09 AM PDT by nesnah (Expression with an attitude - http://www.polistic.com)
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To: napscoordinator

So, you didn’t read the article or you think domestic abuse is ok?


25 posted on 06/15/2009 8:59:27 AM PDT by youturn (Those who preach tolerance seem to have the least for my views.)
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To: youturn

I did read the article. Do you not understand my post????? Stay married! You folks have ruined marriage.


26 posted on 06/15/2009 9:04:13 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: CodeToad

Seems to me that her life is in order....how is the mote in your eye?


27 posted on 06/15/2009 9:08:53 AM PDT by the long march
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To: Morgana

I agree that Dr. Laura can appear insulting and harsh, but sometimes I think she does it to wake up the 200 other people listening that are about to make the same mistake.

However; I don’t listen anymore. It is basically the same show every day. Same stupid people making the same stupid mistakes.


28 posted on 06/15/2009 9:10:01 AM PDT by super7man
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To: napscoordinator

I am happy for your family. And yeah I agree that divorce is hard on the kids. The fact is that when alcoholism,affairs, and being beat every day get tiresome for then is it okay for a divorce? You do not speak from personal experience at all so how in the world would you know whether or not divorce is horrible?


29 posted on 06/15/2009 9:12:55 AM PDT by the long march
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To: napscoordinator
I did read the article. Do you not understand my post????? Stay married!

Honestly, I don't know how you can say you read the article and disagree with it, when she says EXACTLY the same thing you are saying! And she says it well:

Staying together is not enough, but it is the blessed opportunity to bring more joy and peace to your own life, your spouse, the children, and your family as a whole. Your extended family’s support is always a blessing, so saying nice things about your spouse to both sides of the family generates even more positive feelings all around.

While you are “staying together,” your children benefit from both mom and dad; don’t have to compete with your new “love interests” and other children you inherit or create; don’t have to live two lives; don’t have to exist in the middle of perpetual rancor; and don’t have to resort to drugs, alcohol, sex, and other misbehaviors to get attention or get back at you.

All of the preceding won’t make your divorced life much of a pleasure, if you think about it.

Yes, short of dangerous or destructive, I vote for staying together for the sake of the children, because everybody wins if you do it right.

What is it that you disagree with?

30 posted on 06/15/2009 9:13:26 AM PDT by dead
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To: napscoordinator

Her husband of over 20 years, who is the father of her soldier son, is still her husband.

She constantly discusses her conversion from amoral secular feminism to traditional morality. Since that conversion over 15 years ago, she has not been involved in any marriage scandals.

She has only the one son, so there could be no hint of any hypocrisy regarding the headline and her personal life because she has not faced the issue (staying together for the kids) in her own life since her conversion from wicked feminism to traditional morality.


31 posted on 06/15/2009 9:14:21 AM PDT by Notwithstanding (very punny)
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To: napscoordinator; All

I don’t think that people should be married just to be married. In some cases divorces are good.. If the parents keep on bickering and stay married, if there some emotional abuse, or realize there is a mistake and can’t work things out and don’t love each other anymore, well I guess a divorce is warranted..


32 posted on 06/15/2009 9:14:46 AM PDT by KevinDavis (Can't Stop the Signal!)
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To: SeekAndFind
Personally I think that Dr. Laura gives good advice.

Many can't handle her straight forward no nonsense advice. Turning her off is an option they can take advantage of.

33 posted on 06/15/2009 9:15:33 AM PDT by Dustbunny ("Government does not solve problems; it subsidizes them. " Ronald Reagan)
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To: the long march
Please. Most people get divorced because they get bored. No fault divorces began in the early eighties and what happened??? Divorce sky rocked! Don't give me the “beaten women syndrome”. That is a minuscule amount.
34 posted on 06/15/2009 9:17:52 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: napscoordinator

Dr. Laura remains happily married to her one and only husband and has never been married to anyone else, never been divorced, and never had an anullment.


35 posted on 06/15/2009 9:18:29 AM PDT by Notwithstanding (very punny)
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To: napscoordinator

You truly have no idea of what you are talking about.


36 posted on 06/15/2009 9:19:55 AM PDT by the long march
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To: Notwithstanding
Bull crap! She was a divorce when she got bored from her first husband. Where did you get your false information? I hope you are not lying and only mistaken.
37 posted on 06/15/2009 9:20:33 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: KevinDavis

Judith Wallerstein’s research, studying the children of divorce at 5 and 10 year intervals over a period of 25 years or more supports Dr. Laura’s position: except in cases of physical abuse, children are worse off if the parents divorce. Even if they are bickering, staying together for the sake of the chldren, as bad as the situation is, is still better than divorcing. You may not like this evidence, but Wallerstein started out on the other side, assuming that children are resiliant and bounce back and that it’s better to divorce than live bickering. She discovered to her surprise that the evidence is overwhelmingly to the contrary and, to her credit, she is a good enough scholar to admit she was wrong and accept the conclusion her evidence points toward.

She has numerous books, most of them coauthored with fellow researchers. Her work is supported by that of other researchers in the same field.

The damage to the children often does not emerge until they are young adults, dating, thinking about marriage. One cannot assume that because the children seem to be “handling it well,” that the divorce is not wreaking real damage on them. That’s Wallerstein’s conclusion.


38 posted on 06/15/2009 9:21:22 AM PDT by Houghton M.
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To: the long march

Fine. You advocate divorce and I am on the anti-divorce side. Just like I am pro-life. You seem pro-choice. I guess we differ on issues. Who that happens all the time. No biggie.


39 posted on 06/15/2009 9:21:48 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: CodeToad

Not necessarily. Those that can, do; those that can’t, teach :)

Besides, if she’s right, and I think she is, then she’s right. Whether or not she can follow her own advice.


40 posted on 06/15/2009 9:21:55 AM PDT by chesley ("Hate" -- You wouldn't understand; it's a leftist thing)
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To: Jeff Chandler
This is going to be a very long thread.

Count on it. Too bad there was no mention of daycare, then we'd be looking at a potential record-breaker.....

41 posted on 06/15/2009 9:23:46 AM PDT by wolf24 ("Another speech....another problem solved. Who ever knew it could be so easy?")
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To: strider44
The problem is the children are upset with him because her moved out. He can’t tell the truth to them...

Big mistake. JMO.

42 posted on 06/15/2009 9:24:37 AM PDT by AnnaZ (I keep 2 magnums in my desk.One's a gun and I keep it loaded.Other's a bottle and it keeps me loaded)
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To: KevinDavis

“don’t love each other anymore”

A very selfish reason to divorce, especially when there are kids.

If you make a baby with someone, it is an 18 year commitment. Unless there is abuse, I always recommend people stick out the marriage for the sake of the kids, whether or not they are “in love”.

Kids do MUCH better in two parent homes (absent abuse).


43 posted on 06/15/2009 9:25:49 AM PDT by Retired Greyhound
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To: napscoordinator

I’m not a fan, either. She makes snap judgments without hearing all the facts. She claims to be in favor of an intact family, but then advises divorce for most of the reasons people split. She tells women who have divorced they can’t date until the kids are out of the home. Seems pretty cruel to me to tell them they were right to break up but they just forfeited their hope to any happiness with a mate.


44 posted on 06/15/2009 9:26:02 AM PDT by colorado tanker ("Lastly, I'd like to apologize for America's disproportionate response to Pearl Harbor . . . ")
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To: CodeToad
This is the last line of her column:

Yes, short of dangerous or destructive, I vote for staying together for the sake of the children, because everybody wins if you do it right.

A provocative title, indeed.

45 posted on 06/15/2009 9:27:13 AM PDT by Theo (Global warming "scientists." Pro-evolution "scientists." They're both wrong.)
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To: strider44

I pray for your brother. It must be very hard on him.

But...he should try to keep the “marriage” together anyway, if possibe.
The kids will be a LOT better off with him IN the house, rather than her boyfriends.


46 posted on 06/15/2009 9:29:13 AM PDT by Retired Greyhound
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To: SeekAndFind

My wife likes to listen to this woman. I can’t stand her. Everytime some woman calls her with a dumb question, just asking to get yelled at, I’m in a total body cringe waiting for the s to hit the f. I guess I’d probably agree with a lot of her advice, but man, what a harpy. Life is too short to have someone even remotely resembling Dr Laura yelling at you.


47 posted on 06/15/2009 9:31:57 AM PDT by SoDak (Molon Labe)
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To: colorado tanker
I agree. Folks on this site claim the “pro family value” but I think it is all talk. They are very anti-family values if you ask me. They are hypocrites.
48 posted on 06/15/2009 9:33:08 AM PDT by napscoordinator
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To: sarasota

Without know all of the details...perhaps you can suggest that your daughter tough it out until the kids are 18. This is the heart of Dr. Laura’s article here.

Divorce really hurts kids. Just because her husband “bickers” doesn’t mean she has to. And I bet that there are many things your daughter could do that would get the fella to stop bickering.

Men are very easy to keep happy if a woman really tries.


49 posted on 06/15/2009 9:33:24 AM PDT by Retired Greyhound
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To: napscoordinator

You make assumptions that are not justified. To equate divorce and abortion is a stretch that os beyond belief. You have no personal experience with divorce, you cite no statistics for your brash and broad assertion, and then when you are called on it you throw a strawman. That isn’t differing on issues that is you having no idea of how to carry on a conversation or debate


50 posted on 06/15/2009 9:36:13 AM PDT by the long march
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