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Colonel Sanders Kentucky fried my dreams
Gainesville Sun ^ | John Houder

Posted on 09/03/2009 7:18:53 AM PDT by big black dog

If there is one thing a person could say about me with conviction and absolute certainty, it is that I am a firm believer in the idea of Kentucky Fried Chicken. I have supported the poultry peddler through a number of harrowing assaults on its integrity and claims that belie the tastiness of its products. When the so-called “blog-o-sphere” was buzzing with rumors of KFC labs overflowing with genetically modified, beakless chickens, I was the lone island of rational thought in a raging sea of insanity.

I have faced the scorn of friends and the disappointment of loved ones for my insistence that KFC’s infamous Famous Bowl – an oily orgy of mashed potatoes, gravy, cheese and fried chicken – is a step forward in the culinary world. More than once, I have had to leave a conversation when the topic turned to the Colonel’s creations, biting my tongue to keep from lambasting strangers for their dismissal of the Variety Big Box Meal as “more food than any human should consume in one sitting.” As inexpensive as a bucket of Original Recipe may be, I have had to pay dearly for my allegiance.

It is true that I have never actually eaten Kentucky Fried Chicken – I prefer Bojangles – but I endorse its spirit wholeheartedly. It makes perfect sense that an amalgam of seven herbs and spices would turn ordinary, bland chicken into something deliciously Kentucky-fried. Indeed, it is the combination of seven different influences and cultures that makes the United States the savory melting pot of the world instead of a tasteless crock of gruel like England. Colonel Sanders was the bearded embodiment of hope, change, unity and flaky biscuits. Were he an actual colonel and not just an honorary one – he technically only reached the rank of private while in the United States Army – I would follow him blindfolded into the greasy trenches of war.

As much as I have invested in the fowl eatery, however, I fear our relationship may be at an end. I have recently learned that in select markets, KFC is offering something called the Double Down Sandwich, a bacon and cheese sandwich that uses two pieces of fried chicken instead of bread. Yes, you read correctly: A bacon and cheese sandwich that uses fried chicken instead of bread.

My anger and disappointment does not stem from the fact that this new offering flaunts all contemporary sandwich conventions or because it is another nail in the coffin of the Healthy American Lifestyle. (That coffin was buried long ago under an avalanche of Double Stuf Oreos and Baconnaise). No, the real source of my furious consternation is the fact that I came up with the idea first.

I was at home enjoying an otherwise delicious bacon and cheese sandwich while watching Man v. Food when a peculiar feeling washed over me. After the throbbing in my left arm subsided and my vision returned, I looked down at the half-eaten sandwich floating in my carafe of Mountain Dew and wondered if perhaps there wasn’t a way to take my creation to a higher, even tastier plateau. I immediately began experimenting with every ingredient I had in the kitchen. First, I wrapped the cheese and bacon up in more bacon, but the mess created by its consumption was cause for alarm. Trials with ice cream and peanut butter ended similarly. Undaunted, I pressed on with taco shells, Belgian waffles and a variety of obscure deli meats, but something was still missing. Four hours and a dozen grease-fires later, I had my answer.

Fried chicken offered enough tensile strength to support even the heaviest of cheeses while still remaining juicy and tender. The fried breading offered enough friction to offset the incredible slickness caused by combining fried chicken, bacon and melted cheese into one handheld snack. The first bite was like tasting a unicorn boiled in sunshine.

The odds of two people conceiving of such a thing independently must be astronomical, so I can only assume that the scientists working in the Kentucky Fried Labs stole my idea. The only real difference between the two is that KFC’s version is slathered in “Colonel’s Sauce,” but I have a feeling that it is just a mixture of mayonnaise and mustard. Unfortunately, after finishing what I was calling the Heart Breaker Sandwich, I blacked out. When I awoke days later, news of KFC’s Double Down Sandwich was already splashed across the Internet, so I have no tangible evidence to prove my theory.

In order to keep my culinary inventions from being pinched in the future, I would like to share some of my ideas so I have documentation that I did indeed think of them first. For example, I have combined eggs, sausage and two tiny pancakes interspersed with little syrup pockets into one breakfast sandwich called a Von Skillet. Next, I have taken a hot dog, inserted a wooden skewer into it long-ways, covered it in a light corn batter and fried it to perfection. I call it a Maize Hound. Finally, I have combined shredded cabbage, carrots, vinegar, vegetable oil and mayonnaise – or Baconnaise – in a bowl for a refreshing summer salad. I’m not positive about the name yet, but I think Cole Slaw has a certain ring to it.

I am unsure whether or not I am able to forgive Colonel Sanders for taking what is most likely the only constructive thing I will ever contribute to society. He has Kentucky fried my dreams and is selling them for a limited time in Rhode Island and parts of Nebraska. My only hope is that the Double Down Sandwich ends up killing someone through asphyxiation or pure caloric force. Only then, when there is blood on the Colonel’s greasy hands, will he know the pain I now feel.


TOPICS: Culture/Society
KEYWORDS:

1 posted on 09/03/2009 7:18:53 AM PDT by big black dog
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To: big black dog

KFC has the best chicken. And their buffets are good for the price


2 posted on 09/03/2009 7:20:57 AM PDT by fishingking
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To: fishingking
KFC has the best chicken.

Culver's fried chicken blows the doors off of KFC.

3 posted on 09/03/2009 7:22:29 AM PDT by Non-Sequitur
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To: big black dog
That is clever and well done. I will have to keep an eye out for that author's work.

Good post.

4 posted on 09/03/2009 7:23:42 AM PDT by pickrell (Old dog, new trick...sort of)
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To: big black dog
The KFC Double Down Sandwich


5 posted on 09/03/2009 7:24:04 AM PDT by Artemis Webb
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To: Artemis Webb
KFC Double-Bypass Sammich.


6 posted on 09/03/2009 7:26:31 AM PDT by Viking2002 (Ted Nugent for Attorney General '12. You Know You Want It.)
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To: big black dog

Extra crispy....best junk food in town!


7 posted on 09/03/2009 7:27:55 AM PDT by stephenjohnbanker (Pray for, and support our troops(heroes) !! And vote out the RINO's!!)
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To: big black dog

gave it up years ago after it gave me food poisoning twice in one summer (one store close to home, another in a neighboring state 250 miles away)


8 posted on 09/03/2009 7:28:25 AM PDT by Buckeye McFrog
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To: big black dog

Thanks for a great laugh to start my day. It reminds me of the Woody Allen essay “Yes, But Can The Steam Engine Do This?” where he describes the trials and tribulations of the Earl of Sandwich as he labors to construct what would revolutionize lunchtime for generations.


9 posted on 09/03/2009 7:29:37 AM PDT by Crolis (Kill your television!)
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To: big black dog

I went to my local KFC this weekend to get some of their Extra Crispy because I think their original is nasty. I was informed that this KFC is no longer selling Extra Crispy because they are now selling the grilled chicken. If I wanted grilled chicken I’d make it myself, which I do better anyway. Back to Popeyes for me.


10 posted on 09/03/2009 7:30:28 AM PDT by beandog
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To: big black dog

Nobody can beat Milich’s Village Inn chicken. Barberton chicken is the best!


11 posted on 09/03/2009 7:30:34 AM PDT by goodwithagun (My gun has killed fewer people than Ted Kennedy's car.)
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To: Buckeye McFrog

Nothing like running at both ends after a bad meal ... put me permanently off Chick-Fil-A and Arby’s.


12 posted on 09/03/2009 7:31:14 AM PDT by ArrogantBustard (Western Civilization is Aborting, Buggering, and Contracepting itself out of existence.)
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To: big black dog

I like the KFC original chicken. It is unique.

I think KFC also makes a superb, perfectly balanced cole slaw.


13 posted on 09/03/2009 7:32:36 AM PDT by EyeGuy
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To: big black dog

My brother made the best chicken when he had an inner city bar. since he closed, I have appreciated Popeyes chicken, but now, they are closed. Oh well, back to KFC.

A funny story from back in the 1960’s. About twenty of us from Albright College in Reading, PA set off to join the 1969 protest against war, racism, capitalism, imperialism, and every other evil that we perceived the USA was guilty of in Washington, DC. My home was on the way, so we stopped there for a pit stop, and found that my parents had buckets of KFC chicken ready for us.

Oh the incongruity of it all, which none of us spoiled brats seemed to notice at the time. We woofed that chicken as if it had revolutionary origins, rather than imperialist ones.

Now that I am a capitalist myself, I appreciate fast food because of the time savings, and most of it tastes good, and is not as unhealthy as is claimed by today’s radicals. I even have a fast food restaurant as a client, and feel not one ounce of guilt.


14 posted on 09/03/2009 7:33:03 AM PDT by Daveinyork
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To: big black dog

LOL / Awesome.

I only wish that they had the Double Down out here so I could get one.


15 posted on 09/03/2009 7:37:35 AM PDT by OneWingedShark (Q: Why am I here? A: To do Justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with my God.)
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To: big black dog
This article has problems.

1. It is ELEVEN herbs and spices, not seven.

2. How can he say he prefers Bojangles over Kentucky Fried Chicken if he "never tried Kentucky Fried Chicken?"

I tried Bojangles ... ONCE. It was terrily ordinary. On par with supermarket fried chicken. They did have Patio soft drink (Pepsico's version of Fanta back in the '70's), so that was something. Otherwise, it may as well be CHurch's or Brown's.

Culvers is similarly flavorless, with insulting portion of cole slaw.

Popeye's is a step up, and is in the same class with Kentucky Fried Chicken, esecially if you want something spicier.

Kentucky Fried Chicken itself has gone downhill since they dropped the transfats. The skin is harder and the breading less supple. KFC has always had relatively small, inferior birds.

The best chain fried chicken I have found is in the Chicago area...Harold's Chicken Shack. It can be hotter than Popeye's or just fine straight. Most importantly, they use better chickens, and sort of cook to order (the chickens are half cooked, and then finished after you order.) They tend to be in rough neighborhoods, but Harold's is always worth it.


16 posted on 09/03/2009 7:40:15 AM PDT by Dr. Sivana (There is no salvation in politics.)
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To: big black dog

Speaking of KFC, I saw this on youtube the other day. What’s My Line w/ Colonel Saunders...way before he became a known celebrity and the panel had no idea what Kentucky Fried Chicken was.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wk4Eq8IcQMk


17 posted on 09/03/2009 7:48:48 AM PDT by dawn53
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To: ArrogantBustard

I like Chik-Fil-A, but I mostly eat at the one near me which appears to be exceptionally clean and well managed. It’s not unusual to see the owner or manager behind a cash register working. The Owner has his kids working there during the summer as well.

I can’t vouch for other Chik-Fil-As though..I’m sure the owner/management has a lot to do with cleanliness as with other restaurants.

I’ll take Popeye’s spicy chicken over KFC anyway, especially since the last time I ordered macaroni and cheese at KFC it smelled like it had been cooked along with used gym socks.


18 posted on 09/03/2009 7:52:13 AM PDT by Crolis (Kill your television!)
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To: Buckeye McFrog

You need to check your car for a GPS monitoring device.

I think KFC has a hit out on you. 250 miles away.

:)


19 posted on 09/03/2009 7:52:19 AM PDT by Chuck54 ("I am Jim Thompson".)
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To: big black dog
The market will decide what it wants to eat. We do not need some bunch of do gooders or the government to tell us what to eat. Most people are quite conscious of the kind of food they are eating and do not indulge in these artery clogging treats but on occasion.

What is really needed is some basic education in how to cook and make nutritious meals especially for the low income. On our local Indian Reservations diabetes and obesity are rampant, which can easily be attributed to a diet heavy in junk food as few of the younger generation have the ability or inclination to make healthy meals.

20 posted on 09/03/2009 7:56:45 AM PDT by The Great RJ ("The problem with socialism is that you eventually run out of other people's money." M. Thatcher)
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To: big black dog

‘The first bite was like tasting a unicorn boiled in sunshine’

Oh, that’s a good one - I’m stealin it!!!!

(and yeah - GRILLED chicken at KFC??? um...no.......)


21 posted on 09/03/2009 8:00:16 AM PDT by Wife of D
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To: big black dog
A bacon and cheese sandwich that uses fried chicken instead of bread.

It's essentially a poor man's "Chicken Cordon Bleu."

22 posted on 09/03/2009 8:04:19 AM PDT by Maceman
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To: All

I love me some KFC.
The chicken’s pretty good, but I’m happy just eating biscuits and slaw...
A good value is the evil Wal-Mart SuperCenter deli that sells a decent 8 piece fried chicken for $5.99....by evil I mean cheap and delicious...


23 posted on 09/03/2009 9:06:40 AM PDT by Maverick68 (w)
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To: EyeGuy

I think the cole slaw is the same at Long John Silver’s, maybe one other franchise place. I also love their cole slaw and original recipe chicken.


24 posted on 09/03/2009 9:46:55 AM PDT by NEMDF
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To: Non-Sequitur
KFC has the best chicken.

Culver's fried chicken blows the doors off of KFC.

I guess ya'll have never had Popeye's Fried Chicken. Try the original and work your way up to the spicy.

25 posted on 09/03/2009 9:57:17 AM PDT by sportutegrl (If liberals could do math, they would be conservatives.)
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To: Wife of D

You can’t boil without liquid.

FAIL.


26 posted on 09/03/2009 10:16:02 AM PDT by j-damn
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To: EyeGuy
I think KFC also makes a superb, perfectly balanced cole slaw.

Yes, their cole slaw is great!

27 posted on 09/03/2009 10:16:40 AM PDT by Inyo-Mono (Had God not driven man from the Garden of Eden the Sierra Club surely would have.)
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To: big black dog

“No, the real source of my furious consternation is the fact that I came up with the idea first.”

Happens to me all of the time. Remember “Suds and Duds?” Laundromat and beer in one place. I came up with that while deployed to many far reaches of the earth.

That is just one example, I could go on for a while, but I am getting paid right now to do other things.


28 posted on 09/10/2009 11:07:48 AM PDT by wxgesr (I want to be the first person to surf on another planet!)
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