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Being Sexually Deprived in a Sex-Saturated Culture (everybody's talking about it, nobody's doing it)
American Thinker ^ | 9/12/2009 | Janice Shaw Crouse

Posted on 09/12/2009 7:23:16 PM PDT by SeekAndFind

According to the popular television personality and psychologist, Dr. Phil --­ who wades through the intimate details of his guests' as well as his professional clients' lives -- there is an epidemic of "sexless marriages" these days. His observations coincide with recent articles in popular magazines like Time and Newsweek and in more upscale journals like The Atlantic, Salon, Psychology Today and First Things. In the midst of a sex-saturated culture, overflowing with dramatic images of the female anatomy, a new phenomenon has developed: men losing interest in sex.

Even the prolific political columnist, Mark Steyn has weighed in, asking, "Do you notice anything shriveling?" In his essay, he reports that the lack of sexual enthusiasm has even extended to the Netherlands, a place known for sexual permissiveness. Now, according to the ANP news agency, "the Dutch now derive more pleasure from going to the bathroom than from sex." So much for "free" love.

Clearly, something is weird when everybody's talking about it and nobody's doing it. Could it be that sex has become just another item to periodically check off on the "to do" lists of too-busy couples?

Earlier this summer, I reported on a fascinating study. Two Wharton economists analyzed what they called "declining female happiness," using 35 years of data collected by the National Bureau of Economic Research. Their startling finding: none of the recent societal trends benefitting women has increased their happiness. In fact, the opposite has happened. Throughout the industrialized world, women's happiness has declined in absolute terms and in comparison to men's happiness.

Mary Eberstadt, in her October 2009 First Things article, "What Does Woman Want? The War Between the Sexless," gives her explanation for so much unhappiness troubling today's driven women.

Perhaps some of the modern misery of which so many women today authentically speak is springing not from a sexual desert but from a sexual flood -- a torrent of poisonous imagery, beginning even in childhood, that has engulfed women and men, only to beach them eventually somewhere alone and apart, far from the reach of one another.

At least that way of looking at the puzzle might explain some of the paradox of all that female unhappiness. Between bad ideas of gender neutrality and even worse ideas about the innocence of pornography, we reach the world ... where men act like stereotypical women, and retreat from a real marriage into a fantasy life via pornography ... and where women conversely act like stereotypical men, taking the lead in leaving their marriages and firing angry charges on the way, out of frustration and withheld sex.

As the data indicate in my forthcoming book, Children at Risk, the majority of young people still want a lifetime marriage to the person of their dreams. Yet, the last three decades illustrate that as individuals increasingly focus on their own happiness, they are unwilling to put forth the hard work to make the dream a reality. Or, there are so many demands on their time and energy that couples can no longer bestir themselves to meet someone else's needs. One Manhattan therapist described today's women as "exhausted and resentful."

Sandra Tsing Loh's article in The Atlantic, "Let's call the whole thing off," details all the things that are on her "staggering mother's to-do list" and concludes, "I cannot take on yet another arduous home and self-improvement project, that of rekindling our romance." Most everyone, however, has a hectic schedule in today's fast-paced world; so one can only wonder if the crux of her misery lies in her statement: "and, then, in the bedroom, to be ignored - it's a bum deal."

Perhaps Caitlin Flanagan explained it even better in her article, "The Wifely Duty," from The Atlantic, January/February 2003:

To many contemporary women, however, the notion that sex might have any function other than personal fulfillment (and the occasional bit of carefully scheduled baby making) is a violation of the very tenets of the sexual revolution that so deeply shaped their attitudes on such matters. Under these conditions, pity the poor married man hoping to get a bit of comfort from the wife at day's end. He must somehow seduce a woman who is economically independent of him, bone tired, philosophically disinclined to have sex unless she is jolly well in the mood, numbingly familiar with his every sexual maneuver, and still doing a slow burn over his failure to wipe down the countertops and fold the dish towel after cooking the kids' dinner. He can hardly be blamed for opting instead to check his e-mail, catch a few minutes of SportsCenter, and call it a night.

Yet, Flanagan gave a simple the solution to sexless marriages back in 2003. Restoring the joy and happiness to your marriage:

... is not complicated; it requires putting the children to bed at a decent hour and adopting a good attitude. The rare and enviable woman is not the one liberated enough to tell hurtful secrets about her marriage to her girlfriends or the reading public. Nor is she the one capable of attracting the sexual attentions of a variety of worthy suitors. The rare woman -- the good wife, and the happy one -- is the woman who maintains her husband's sexual interest and who returns it in full measure.

In the long, dry spells of responsibility and drudgery that establishing careers and raising children entails, marital sex offers brief but vital reprieves from the daily grind; it is impossible to rationally explain exactly how physical intimacy's fresh assurances that we are not alone in carrying heavy responsibilities can have a such miraculous rejuvenating effect. It is simply one of love's beautiful mysteries. Nothing can quite compare with knowing that the love of our youth is still there -- despite all the wear and tear, the give and take, the forgiveness of hurts needed to restore joy, rekindle enthusiasm and renew the promise to stay side-by-side over the long haul, forever needing and being needed, two who have become one flesh.


TOPICS: Constitution/Conservatism; Culture/Society; Editorial
KEYWORDS: sex; sexuality
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1 posted on 09/12/2009 7:23:17 PM PDT by SeekAndFind
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To: wagglebee

ping


2 posted on 09/12/2009 7:26:52 PM PDT by metmom (Welfare was never meant to be a career choice.)
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To: SeekAndFind
Mr Shyturtle...

...is deeply saddened.

3 posted on 09/12/2009 7:28:17 PM PDT by null and void (We are now in day 234 of our national holiday from reality. - 0bama really isn't one of US.)
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To: SeekAndFind; informavoracious; larose; RJR_fan; Prospero; Conservative Vermont Vet; ...
+

Freep-mail me to get on or off my pro-life and Catholic List:

Add me / Remove me

Please ping me to note-worthy Pro-Life or Catholic threads, or other threads of interest.

Obama Says A Baby Is A Punishment

Obama: “If they make a mistake, I don’t want them punished with a baby.”

4 posted on 09/12/2009 7:28:54 PM PDT by narses (http://www.theobamadisaster.com/)
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To: SeekAndFind

May I offer a very ivory-tower possibility: in the past decade we have seen a tremendous increase in the variety and usage of new pharmaceuticals which warn against “possible sexual side effects” — i.e., reduction of sexual drive or the “climax” itself.


5 posted on 09/12/2009 7:30:58 PM PDT by jiggyboy (Ten per cent of poll respondents are either lying or insane)
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To: jiggyboy

I blame it on Internet porn.


6 posted on 09/12/2009 7:33:35 PM PDT by rbg81 (DRAIN THE SWAMP!!)
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To: SeekAndFind
Sadly, the primary reason I've heard from most men regarding their lack of interest ... is that their wives have chosen to be "less than physically fit".... ie FAT. I know that may be hurtful to some... but I do believe its an understandable reason.

I'm not talking about your normal age related weight gain here, but the obscene size that many American women (and many men) have allowed themselves to get to.

The old "I'm ok the way I am and you better like it regardless" attitude is causing a lot of problems in marriages. It may help, but Love does not mean you find someone attractive.

Personally, I consider "letting yourself go", to be disrespectful to your partner (if they care that is).
7 posted on 09/12/2009 7:35:06 PM PDT by StolarStorm
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To: rbg81

I blame it on geting old....


8 posted on 09/12/2009 7:35:09 PM PDT by stboz
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To: SeekAndFind

This article says nothing about age. The baby boomers are simply aging, and they’re having less sex.

I think the average elderly person is happy enough with a smile and a nod from their sweetie, if they are lucky enough to have one. This is not weird or abnormal. There was a time when this was understood to be part of the normal aging process.


9 posted on 09/12/2009 7:36:00 PM PDT by keats5 (Not all of us are hypnotized.)
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To: SeekAndFind
The simple solution is to quit trying to do so much.

That applies to men and women. Even if you are not religious taking one day a week to do no work does wonders to recharge your batteries.

Decide what is important and cut everything else. You don't need to be on every board, have the perfect lawn, the perfect house or the perfect anything. Spending time with your spouse just doing nothing but cuddling on the couch while watching a baseball game will help you relax and THEN you are interested again.

10 posted on 09/12/2009 7:36:05 PM PDT by Harmless Teddy Bear (I miss the competent fiscal policy and flag waving patriotism of the Carter Administration)
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To: SeekAndFind

I agree with everything in this article, but to be honest I have yet to meet a man who isn’t interested in sex.


11 posted on 09/12/2009 7:36:23 PM PDT by ottbmare (Ein Reich, ein Volk, ein Obama!)
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To: null and void

Hilarious.

Thanks for the laugh...


12 posted on 09/12/2009 7:36:38 PM PDT by Chesner
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To: SeekAndFind

RME.

Here we go again.


13 posted on 09/12/2009 7:38:01 PM PDT by Neets (Yea, Jeter is the second coming....of a Yankee career high hitter. Don't hate.)
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To: StolarStorm

Um, the same goes for men. If you’re trying to reignite the flames, guys, make sure you smell OK and take some care about your appearance.


14 posted on 09/12/2009 7:38:07 PM PDT by keats5 (Not all of us are hypnotized.)
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To: SeekAndFind

I didn’t have to read much of that to know that I didn’t care where it was going to go.

I married a gal that loved me and I loved her. We still consider ourselves best friends, husband and wife and.... newlyweds. That magic began the moment we first met............ 38 fantastic years ago.


15 posted on 09/12/2009 7:41:27 PM PDT by Gator113 (YES WE CAN.... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cMxJBenigY&feature=related)
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To: keats5

Agreed, it goes both ways. I can tell when a marriage isn’t going to work out by comparing the relative effort b/w spouses put into fitness and hygiene. When one spouse makes an effort to go to the gym, eat healthy, go to the dentist, and so forth... and the other does very little in that regard.... you have a divorce coming soon.


16 posted on 09/12/2009 7:42:27 PM PDT by StolarStorm
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To: keats5

YEP...hormones decline with age....why do you think teenagers are horny???? and most middle agers are not? Sheesh...


17 posted on 09/12/2009 7:43:02 PM PDT by goodnesswins (George Orwell would be proud. Truth are lies, Slavery is Freedom, Oppression is Feminism.)
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To: goodnesswins

Old guys who “encounter” physically fit women often find that they don’t THEN need the little blue pill for things to work....


18 posted on 09/12/2009 7:44:56 PM PDT by StolarStorm
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To: SeekAndFind
According to the popular television personality and psychologist, Dr. Phil --­ who wades through the intimate details of his guests' as well as his professional clients' lives -- there is an epidemic of "sexless marriages" these days.

Let me spell it out for you:

L-A-T-I-N-A

Image and video hosting by TinyPic

Ok, there are many traditional American women who feel the same way about taking care of their man. Apparently there weren't too many of them in South Florida.

Avoid the liberals and RINOs. The MTV-Raised crowd are a lost cause.

19 posted on 09/12/2009 7:46:52 PM PDT by Caipirabob (Communists... Socialists... Democrats...Traitors... Who can tell the difference?)
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To: SeekAndFind

{Throughout the industrialized world, women’s happiness has declined in absolute terms and in comparison to men’s happiness. ]

I coulda told you that.


20 posted on 09/12/2009 7:47:59 PM PDT by FastCoyote (I am intolerant of the intolerable.)
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To: Caipirabob

LATINA????


21 posted on 09/12/2009 7:48:49 PM PDT by Neets (Yea, Jeter is the second coming....of a Yankee career high hitter. Don't hate.)
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To: Caipirabob
That's a very good looking women there... but I wouldn't say that its a "Latina" thing. I live in Houston, surrounded by Latinas. NO way, Jose!

They like their food way to much here and their attitude isn't so grand either. Now South American women.... actually from South America... that's a different story.
22 posted on 09/12/2009 7:52:26 PM PDT by StolarStorm
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To: SeekAndFind

The story goes . . .

When a couple are first married, they can’t get enough of each other. They have sex every day, sometimes more, and in every room of the house, outdoors, in the car, etc.

After several years, they have sex once or twice a week, in the bedroom, the living room, or the shower.

After two or three decades, it’s 6 or 7 times a year in the bedroom.

After 40 or 50 years, they just flip each other off while passing in the hallway.


23 posted on 09/12/2009 7:52:28 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler ("People are idiots." -Thomas A. Caswell)
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To: StolarStorm
Old guys who “encounter” physically fit women often find that they don’t THEN need the little blue pill for things to work....

I think the idea that older men who have sex with young hotties need Viagra is a myth. I mean, why would a man need help with a young hottie?

24 posted on 09/12/2009 7:54:27 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler ("People are idiots." -Thomas A. Caswell)
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To: SeekAndFind

“If it’s been several months since you’ve had sex with a woman, you’re either gay or married.”


25 posted on 09/12/2009 7:55:59 PM PDT by Gone_Postal ("Men who say it cannot be done, should not interupt those doing it.")
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To: jiggyboy

antidepressents and antipsychotics do decrease libido


26 posted on 09/12/2009 7:57:23 PM PDT by Chickensoup (Angry about where our country is going with the current regime at the helm.)
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To: ottbmare

I agree with everything in this article, but to be honest I have yet to meet a man who isn’t interested in sex.

Many are not. They are focused on porn or angry and reclusive. Sometimes I think Men are the New Women.


27 posted on 09/12/2009 7:59:00 PM PDT by Chickensoup (Angry about where our country is going with the current regime at the helm.)
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To: Jeff Chandler
I think the idea that older men who have sex with young hotties need Viagra is a myth. I mean, why would a man need help with a young hottie?

Do you really want the answer to that question?

28 posted on 09/12/2009 7:59:57 PM PDT by Harmless Teddy Bear (I miss the competent fiscal policy and flag waving patriotism of the Carter Administration)
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To: Gone_Postal

Hell its been years and I really dont miss it.


29 posted on 09/12/2009 8:00:20 PM PDT by TLEIBY308 (Keep yer powder dry and watch yer top Knot.)
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To: Chickensoup

Poppycock.

I do not know many man who are focused on porn(maybe they hide it??) or are angry and certainly not reclusive.

Maybe it is just a Maine thing.


30 posted on 09/12/2009 8:01:48 PM PDT by Neets (Yea, Jeter is the second coming....of a Yankee career high hitter. Don't hate.)
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To: Neets

Most men do not brag about their porn focus. They spend hours on the computer mastubating to the porn sites or in chat rooms. The choose that over a warm loving spouse. Entire marital therapy practices are overwelmed with this issue.


31 posted on 09/12/2009 8:04:24 PM PDT by Chickensoup (Angry about where our country is going with the current regime at the helm.)
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To: Gone_Postal
“If it’s been several months since you’ve had sex with a woman, you’re either gay or married.”

Why not a Roman Catholic priest ?
32 posted on 09/12/2009 8:06:19 PM PDT by SeekAndFind
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To: Harmless Teddy Bear
Do you really want the answer to that question?

I guess I just can't relate to having the need for Viagra.

33 posted on 09/12/2009 8:06:32 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler ("People are idiots." -Thomas A. Caswell)
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To: Jeff Chandler

Now that was funny! The last line is priceless! I am guilty of the flipping off, sometimes he gets the double flip! And we both laugh.

My 2 cents on this topic...women hate man-boobs and men who look pregnant. Men hate fat flabby bitchy women. It’s only natural to be uninterested when spouses let themselves go. Fatigue from busy lives takes its toll too.

Kindness is under-rated. That simple kindness and tenderness of the first years of knowing eachother, if we just reintroduce that, with very easy and free gestures, it goes a long way to rekindling romance.

It takes very little kindness to make a woman feel that old flame start to burn again. Hold her hand, kiss her cheek for no reason, hug in the kitchen, say the 3 words, it’s very easy.


34 posted on 09/12/2009 8:06:42 PM PDT by TheConservativeParty (I am Sarah Palin. I am the NRA.)
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To: Chickensoup
Entire marital therapy practices are overwelmed with this issue.

ENTIRE practices? You are a therapist of some sort who knows this for a fact? I think there are people (men AND women) who have "porn addiction" (if that is what you are talking about) but I can't see that it is so rampant to support your statement above.

35 posted on 09/12/2009 8:07:16 PM PDT by Neets (Yea, Jeter is the second coming....of a Yankee career high hitter. Don't hate.)
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To: TheConservativeParty

Perzactly.


36 posted on 09/12/2009 8:07:56 PM PDT by Neets (Yea, Jeter is the second coming....of a Yankee career high hitter. Don't hate.)
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To: SeekAndFind

are you saying your a Roman Catholic priest?.....LOL


37 posted on 09/12/2009 8:08:13 PM PDT by Gone_Postal ("Men who say it cannot be done, should not interupt those doing it.")
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To: TheConservativeParty
My mother-in-law, God rest her soul, told us one time when they had been married 55+ years, "Sometimes I can't stand the sight of him!". Of course, she was kidding. I think.

My father-in-law took care of her those last two years of Parkinson's. I doubt if they worried about getting enough sex in their old age.

38 posted on 09/12/2009 8:11:44 PM PDT by Jeff Chandler ("People are idiots." -Thomas A. Caswell)
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To: Jeff Chandler
Perhaps you will be one of the lucky ones.

But most guy experience a hormone drop as they get older.

39 posted on 09/12/2009 8:14:56 PM PDT by Harmless Teddy Bear (I miss the competent fiscal policy and flag waving patriotism of the Carter Administration)
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To: StolarStorm
"Old guys who “encounter” physically fit women often find that they don’t THEN need the little blue pill for things to work...."

Or the oddly-shaped yellow one.

Especially if he himself has taken the trouble to stay fit.

40 posted on 09/12/2009 8:15:09 PM PDT by Redbob (W.W.J.B.D.: "What Would Jack Bauer Do?")
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To: Jeff Chandler

The story goes . . .

When a couple are first married, they can’t get enough of each other. They have sex every day, sometimes more, and in every room of the house, outdoors, in the car, etc.

After several years, they have sex once or twice a week, in the bedroom, the living room, or the shower.

After two or three decades, it’s 6 or 7 times a year in the bedroom.

After 40 or 50 years, they just flip each other off while passing in the hallway.

Or to put it another way:

First year of marriage - tri-weekly
After 10 years of marriage - try weekly
After 40 years of marriage - try weakly

41 posted on 09/12/2009 8:15:19 PM PDT by Antonello (Oh my God, don't shoot the banana!)
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To: SeekAndFind
In his essay, he reports that the lack of sexual enthusiasm has even extended to the Netherlands


Who wants to have sex with them? Hairy, knuckle-dragging brutes with heavy brow ridges -- they're said to be cannibals! Can you imagine how their breath smells?



42 posted on 09/12/2009 8:15:25 PM PDT by 668 - Neighbor of the Beast (Rebellion is not brewing. Frog is brewing.)
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To: StolarStorm
Old guys who “encounter” physically fit women often find that they don’t THEN need the little blue pill for things to work....

I doubt Viagra is selling so well because husbands purchase it to make love to their overweight wives.

Lots of guys lose their ability due to years of drinking and unhealthy lifestyles. Most likely the old guy is popping that pill an hour before any encounter. Even one with a fit woman. The body inevitable slows down.

43 posted on 09/12/2009 8:16:55 PM PDT by CaptainK (...please make it stop. Shake a can of pennies at it.)
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To: SeekAndFind

The Pill and hydrogenated soybean oil may have something to do with it.


44 posted on 09/12/2009 8:17:24 PM PDT by HowlinglyMind-BendingAbsurdity
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To: Caipirabob

As a Latina, I don’t know if I approve of your stereotyping us as sexually aggressive party girls.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go drink some tequila and “take care” of my boyfriend in the bedroom.

;-)


45 posted on 09/12/2009 8:21:48 PM PDT by JillValentine ("A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud)
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To: JillValentine

Touche!!!!


46 posted on 09/12/2009 8:23:29 PM PDT by Neets (Yea, Jeter is the second coming....of a Yankee career high hitter. Don't hate.)
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To: Caipirabob

“Latina?”

A woman doesn’t have to be Latina to look like that, just very young.

And a not-so-young Latina woman, well...


47 posted on 09/12/2009 8:24:07 PM PDT by Redbob (W.W.J.B.D.: "What Would Jack Bauer Do?")
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To: Jeff Chandler

My Grama, who is now 91, has had a cross-stitch sampler framed in her kitchen as long as I can remember.

It says “Kissin’ wears out....Cookin’ don’t”.

They were married about 65 years before Grampa passed away.

I’m on year 22. Things got easier after year 20! So no one should give up, things do get better sometimes. Our breakthrough was when his mother and sister were very hurtful towards me in one incident. He called them both and read them the riot act. The tide turned, he was finally on my team, had cut the apron strings. It was like the old days again. Feeling like that close pair from 25 years ago was wonderful. It’s worn off by now, but I’ll not forget how good that felt to be together on the same page again.

It is hard to live with anyone for 25 years, let’s face it. No one is perfect.

I like your previous post so much I am printing it out. The Hubby will laugh at the flipping off in the hallway line.

Cheers! Everyone commit one act of kindness with your spouse tomorrow. A quick kiss and hug in the kitchen, what will she or he think is wrong with you? Could be the one thing that starts a cycle of kindness.


48 posted on 09/12/2009 8:25:00 PM PDT by TheConservativeParty (I am Sarah Palin. I am the NRA.)
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To: JillValentine

I LOVE Latinas! Tequila, not so much.


49 posted on 09/12/2009 8:25:07 PM PDT by REDWOOD99
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To: StolarStorm

Our friends from Mexico, for the most part, have indeed...represented themselves poorly.

When asked about my ethnicity, I say, “I’m an American of Spanish descent.” Spanish as in the country Spain.


50 posted on 09/12/2009 8:25:55 PM PDT by JillValentine ("A fear of weapons is a sign of retarded sexual and emotional maturity." - Sigmund Freud)
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