So you found that the kids had no problems when they were away from their parents, but the problems surfaced immediately when they were with them?
Exactly.... I grew up on a farm and have worked with animals my entire life. I use the same philosophy with children. If my dogs for example, are validated for good behavior, gently reprimanded for bad, and treated consistantly in the same pattern, they learn to know what to expect and calm down. Never, ever retroactively punish for a non communicated expectation. Otherwise they jump up and down, bark and are uncontrollable.
If you administer discipline without establishing and communicating the expectations prior to the behavior, their tension level goes through the roof as they are constantly on edge wondering how you will respond to their actions. I have always followed a policy of communicated responsibilities and expectations accompanied by agreed upon consequences if they are violated. This way I empower them and they know exactly where they stand and where their boundaries are. This worked with my four children, all of whom are self motivated and in college now...
That’s how I plan to be with my future children. My parents weren’t like that with my sister and I. As a result, we’re both lazy bums.
But, I believe I’ve turned out well despite that.