Skip to comments.If I Were President
Posted on 11/08/2010 5:22:39 AM PST by Kaslin
The last two weeks have been good ones. The Republicans have taken back the U.S. House of Representatives. The Republicans have also seized control of the N.C. State House and Senate for the first time since 1898. To top it all off, my boss, Chancellor Rosemary DePaolo resigned as university Chancellor and decided to make a full break with the university. That means she will not be taking a tenured full professorship on our faculty, which was an option included in her original contract.
It may come as a surprise to some but I have decided to throw my hat in the ring for DePaolos job. My letter to the hiring committee will outline all of the changes I intend to make if appointed chancellor. Some of the most important changes follow:
1. Abolition of the African American Center. We had the segregation problem solved before the African American Center (I call it the black lounge) was built in the 1990s. Now, the few blacks we have on campus just sit around in the black lounge talking to other black people. The rest of the campus serves as a Caucasian American Center. So I plan to get rid of the black lounge and replace it with a bar. That way, if there is racial tension the offending party can invite the offended party to a beer summit on campus. If you think thats a bad idea, Im sorry. I got it from our multi-racial president.
2. Abolition of the LGBTQIA Resource Center. If were going to have a solvent health insurance plan we need to stop encouraging unhealthy behavior. If sexuality is genetically fixed then theres really no reason to celebrate it as a form of diversity. That makes about as much sense as having an LA Resource Center to celebrate left-handedness and ambidextrous-ness. It is time for our students to stop celebrating how special they are and start studying. That would really be special.
3. Abolition of the Womens Center. Last year, these women put naked pictures of little girls in the library. This year, they funded an anti-pornography speech urging women to use their minds, not their bodies, to get ahead in this world. I know a feminist is entitled to change her mind. But she isnt entitled to the government funding of her intellectual and moral inconsistencies. The Womens Center is now taking up space in the library. When it is gone, we can replace it with something more appropriate. My suggestion: Books.
4. Abolition of the six-digit public servant. When I became a professor in 1993 the Chancellor made $98,000. Today, there are over 150 administrators making over $100,000. That number will fall to zero when I become chancellor. And that includes me. I will not accept more than $98,000 as your chancellor. I will climb into the six-digit range the old fashioned way: By writing puerile columns for anti-intellectual websites.
5. Abolition of the Watson School of Education. We need to do something to raise our SAT scores. Getting rid of education majors is the best way to do that. Last year I discovered that one of our education professors was teaching black English to white students. Next year, I plan to demolish his building to make room for a new football stadium. I plan to call the new team the UNC-Wilmington Wiggers in his honor.
6. Abolition of the student activity fee. The student activity fee at my school has skyrocketed to $995 per semester. These hidden fees (in addition to skyrocketing tuition) are making college education inaccessible to the poor. But its worse than that. These fees are being used to provide jobs for the incompetent. For example, these student activities employees supervise athletic events and occasionally ban groups for violating speech codes during athletic events even though the speech codes are unconstitutional. I say we hit them with some really offensive speech like Youre fired!
7. Abolition of the university police. Ever since the campus Dunkin Donuts opened the physical condition of our university police has declined dramatically. We should allow students to protect themselves by letting concealed weapon permits apply on campus. If reinforcements are needed, we can just call in the county sheriff.
8. Abolition of tenure. A guarantee of lifetime employment guarantees underperformance. Getting rid of tenure will not just increase productivity but will also increase civility. No one ever got nicer after getting tenure except for me, of course.
9. Abolition of the Center for Teaching Excellence. If someone is doing a bad job of teaching we should not take good teachers out of the classroom to tutor him. We should simply fire him and allow him to find something else he can do better. The teaching experts who were taken out of the classroom to teach bad teachers can get back to doing what they did before: Teaching students.
10. Demolition of the Chancellors mansion. Chancellor DePaolo once said that she worries that the kind of people who read my columns are also the kind of people who bomb abortion clinics. That isnt exactly true. But Bill Ayers reads my columns. And Bill Ayers knows how to make bombs. So Im going to fly that terrorist bastard in to bomb the chancellors mansion just as soon as she moves out. When I take over as chancellor Ill live in my own house and pay my own mortgage. Besides that, I really hate DePaolos taste in wallpaper.
My ten point plan may be humorous in some places but it is not a joke. I am completely serious about my willingness to serve as chancellor. And if the legislators of the State of North Carolina are serious about getting out of debt they will listen carefully to my ideas.
That’ll be the day!
Great program, but it has ZERO chance in today’s “Academia”.
LMAO...maybe itd be better tohave ayers just fly the plane into it...two birds, one stone kinda thingy...
Boy! If only the next President would hire Cabinet members with exactly that kind of work ethic, we might come out of this financial meltdown afterall.
4 Check in some cases. But hey, some people earn a six-digit income.
7 No. Not in this era. Having a few cops around is necessary on a campus. Because how many students would take advantage of CCP? Not many. And the few who did couldn't act as security for the rest of the student body. Its just not their job. They have their own studies to take care of and they can't be patroling around watching for trouble often enough to justify removing the police.
8 I dunno.
This is jut for starters but the most important.And one can only do so much as democrats have had 100 years of imposing socialist legislation upon America,under the cover of the liberal media monopoly. Only now with the Internet are democrats' actions exposed.
OMG! How did they give this guy tenure????
They must really be regretting that
Does this make us the new abolitionists?
The question is: How many should earn six digits at taxpayer expense?
It does indeed. We are very cutting edge and progressive.
This sounds crazy, but I misread it as 5-digit. Theres a big dyslexia streak running in my family. I guess it just ran over me.
I suppose 5 digits is okay for some public servants. Like me, for example. :-)
"Tell you what I'd do
I'd throw away the cars and the bars and the wars
And make sweet love to you."
Nevermind. That's if I were the King of the World.