Posted on 11/08/2010 3:00:31 PM PST by Stand Watch Listen
I have evaluated numerous children whose only problems are that they live with loving and dedicated parents who are wimps. There is no psychological test yet to diagnose this disorder, but here is how you can assess yourself and perhaps avoid a visit to a therapist’s office.
1. Are you more concerned about your children’s feelings than their behaviors? Wimpy parents care excessively about making their children feel comfortable. While feelings are important, the real world judges us all on actions. Wimpy parents are reluctant to require their youngsters to do anything that may feel uncomfortable. One parent told me that she thought her overweight 7-year-old would benefit from playing recreational sports but the mom didn’t want to push her child into this activity because her child may not be able to keep up with the other youngsters.
2. Do you praise your children excessively? Wimpy parents make too big a deal of their children’s minor accomplishments. They often tell their kids how special they are, and inadvertently make their children addicted to praise and recognition. These kids have a hard time functioning without constant reassurance and become overly dependent upon the approval of others.
3. Do you give in on your discipline? Wimpy parents have good intentions but lack the self-confidence to follow through after disciplining their children. The kids recognize and take advantage of this weakness. “I never argue back after my mom grounds me,” one 10-year-old told me. “I just wait a few hours, whine a lot and she’ll eventually let me do what I want.”
4. Do you feel guilty after disciplining your child? Strong parents see discipline as a way to teach their youngsters good behavior, and know that they are helping their kids. Wimpy parents feel guilty that they are hurting their children by depriving them of some privilege.
5. Are you inconsistent in your application of discipline? Because they care excessively about their kids’ feelings, wimpy parents avoid making tough decisions. These parents develop intricate pseudo-explanations to justify their inconsistencies. “I can tell when my child had a bad day at school and I probably let her talk back to me too much on those occasions” admitted one wimpy parent.
6. Do you talk endlessly to convince your children that your discipline is fair? Strong parents have no need for children to agree with family rules and consequences. They are confident and comfortable with their decisions and enforce them in a calm and reasonable manner. They acknowledge their children’s feelings, but don’t engage in debate or discussion over what is right.
7. Do you typically place your children’s needs above those of you and your spouse? Wimpy parents feel insecure in their relationships with their children. In this “kids first” type of family, personal and marital needs are of lower priority. The kids rule and infer an unrealistic sense of importance and power from the way they are treated.
Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at The Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org.
that's always a great feeling. It really came home for us when our first born got married and had his first child. He stated that he didn't realize all the stuff we went through and that, while he always loved us, he loved us even more and had a newfound respect for us (especially since we were so young when he was born). I think your kids will be saying it more and more as they get older.
I don't remember much but I do remember my Mom sticking up for me once when Dad came down on me. I remember thinking "Oh man, I got it made now."
The next time Dad got onto me I went running to Mom and she slapped me silly. Good lesson.
Well, mine are all married, and plenty old! hehehe But, only one has kids (step kids). So, hopefully when the other two have some kids they will REALLY appreciate us! :)
My wife was in retailing for many years. Fianlly retired from it a couple of years ago. In the last part of her career parents were accompanying their children seeking work and even trying to fill out the applications for them. Some were even insisting on being present and/or speaking for their kids during the interview.
Yep, we’ve come along way baby.
I don't even have to read the 7 signs.
"Hell NO!"
Great comments...I’d add, we try not to give a punishment that we are unable to follow through on or that ends up punishing us more than the kid.
“I wasn’t a perfect parent, but I doubt my kid would have accused me of being wimpy.”
Ditto.
Almost 10 years ago, our son was preparing to go to Annapolis for the Naval Academy Summer Seminar.
On the phone, I was explaining the program to my sister: “For a week, he will get to try the Academy on for size and see if he can deal with somebody being in his face 24 hours a day.”
As I was saying this, he happened to walk by and said, “I’m pretty used to that already, Dad.”
Doesn’t get much better than that! Kudos! :)
Cats don’t have parents...cats have Staff.
Ask mine... :)
He!! no x 7.
Liberal??? I know plenty to conservative women who are guilty to a massive fault of number 7. So much so that I've seen it personally wreck two marriages of former co-workers.
There's a saying: You never know the love of a parent, until you become one yourself... Profound, if you ask me!
My husband told me our job was not to raise children. Our job was to raise adults. Teach them what they need to know to survive out there on their own and then let them go. Worked out well for us. And for our kids.
Haha. Some loving payback! ;-)
Well said.
I hate it when parents call their child “buddy”. There, I said it and I feel better.
: )
Likewise, I have a daughter who is raising the perfect monster.
Even though he is my grandson neither of them ever come to visit before the rules and regulations pertaining to the childs behaviour are read and agreed to by my daughter.
Plus, we always told our children:
(1) life is NOT fair, so get used to it. And, who defines 'fair' anyway?
(2) While we think you're special, the outside world does NOT think you're special.
It's our job to prepare you to live in that outside world.
(2) While we think you're special, the outside world does NOT think you're special.
It's our job to prepare you to live in that outside world.
These are excellent rules, and the two I probably fell down on. My (only) son has had an easy life, he excelled at almost everything he tried, and we praised him for those accomplishments.
Because life was never that "hard" for him, he is now in his third year of college (first two years on the Deans list), and has got some tough classes. For the first time in his life he is struggling. I tell him, "life's tough, get a helmet", but deep down it is tearing me apart that a 20 year old man is "failing" (for him this is C's in classes), and it is not sitting well with him. Of course, in his mind, it is the professors fault, or some other outside influence, but I am now having to remind him that life isn't easy, and you must slog on.
For any parent out their, that is proud of their young child/teen ager for the great things he is doing, remember that when they do fail to tell them that "That's life". It might prevent an emotional meltdown when "real life" comes a knockin.
So true. Knowing the need for a united front helps with both the being consistant and the 7 rules in the posted article.
We used to kid it was us against them if we want to make it out of this in one piece.
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