Skip to comments.The day my fiance told me he was gay (BARF ALERT)
Posted on 01/08/2011 10:07:36 PM PST by DesertRenegade
One night, in March 2006, I was getting ready for bed when my fiancé and boyfriend of 10 years, Aaron, called me into the living room and said, Kiri, we need to talk.
I thought he wanted to apologize for a little tiff wed had earlier. Aaron was a musician who had booked a gig in upstate New York. I wanted to go, but hed asked me not to.
Instead, he said he was confused about his sexuality. As an episode of Sex and the City droned in the background, he burst into tears. My life had changed forever.
We got drunk and talked all night. I would veer from consoling him to being livid. Eventually, I curled into the fetal position on the bed. You can bet he slept on the couch.
In the morning, after he left for work, I searched his computer. Hed been scouring the ads on Craigslists Men for Men section. I found gay porn.
I called him at work, and he told me hed long been cheating on me with men.
His betrayal left me more than devastated: It left me another person. I was now someone fearful and angry. Id burst into spontaneous tears at work. I had panic attacks. I became convinced everyone was lying to me, even about the most benign things. If someone told me they had salmon for lunch, I wouldnt think they were lying about where theyd been. Instead, Id suspect they were lying about what they ate the smaller details.
Two weeks later, Aaron told me he was gay. I think the reality of actually getting married snapped him out of his denial. But I was resentful that hed allowed it to go so far.
(Excerpt) Read more at nypost.com ...
While he was having sex with other men, he was exposing her to all those lovely diseases.
That should have been a hint.
If the roles were reversed, she'd be thrown in jail.
“However, Id met Aaron at 26 after having had only two non-serious lovers. A counselor told me that my lack of prior sexual experience left me with no baseline with which to make a comparison. A more experienced woman may have found Aarons lack of desire suspicious.”
Oh, I see, the solution here would have been more fornication.
Well, homosexuality is a sexual preference.
Someone gets curious.
Someone starts to believe that curiosity is really “them”.
Someone fulfills the curiosity.
Someone believes that this is now their genetically designated “lifestyle”.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
The guy was looking at gay porn and probably saying, “Why is this turning me on?” Instead of surmising, “Well, maybe because I’m looking at f***ed up porn,” his answer was “I’M GAY!”
Good point. In some jurisdictions I believe there are severe criminal penalties for intentionally engaging in unprotected sex with an unknowing partner if you have AIDS. I don’t know if the adulterous homosexual partner had any STDs, but he didn’t seem to have the least bit of concern for the lady he said he loved.
Not me. I have no sympathy for boon belt wearers peddling a book.
>>I was getting ready for bed when my fiancé and boyfriend of 10 years,<<
My favorite quote from any TV series (in this case “Lois and Clark”) was when someone from the future asked Lois “historians want to know something... JUST HOW STUPID ARE YOU??? (glasses on) “I am Clark Kent!” (glasses off) “I am Superman! (glasses on) “I am Clark Kent!” (glasses off) “I am Superman!
If you are with a guy for 10 years and don’t know he is gay, you are dumber than Lois Lane! And if you sleep with someone that long, you are just a slut who probably deserves the result.
She was shacking up with some guy for a decade. There was no betrayal involved because there was no commitment in the first place.
I kinda sympathize with the author.
My good (or so I thought) Mormon Returned Missionary fiancee decided that he was gay 6 weeks before the temple wedding after meeting my father (also gay) and his boyfriend.
It was devastating, being lied to, being used that way, (disease wasn’t an issue because we were not having sex) but I still felt violated.
I joke that I joined the most conservative ‘church’ I could find, moved 1000 miles and found some one just like dear old dad.
sad thing was, he didn’t tell his parents for years afterward because his mother kept calling me and my mother and asking me to come back to Utah and marry him. Apparently all he said was that *I* broke up with him, he didn’t say why.
And growing up in Palm Springs (high gay pop) your assessment of them is dead on.
This idiot is probably the only person to have a life-changing moment from that show.
The woman who married him loved his “metrosexual” manners. “Metros” are just a half-step from being gay, anyway.
She is an unfortunate lady who didn’t appear to marry a godly enough man. What is that household doing watching the tear-inducing, soul-nourishing show, “Sex in the City,” anyway?
Ironically, the very next post on News/Activism after this one is about a 65 year old gay man who has just been murdered by a young model in his 20s, I think in NY.
Placemark for pingout.
What are boon belt wearers?
A belt that gives boons? Or the belt was a gift?
Whatever they are, it doesn't sound good.
Here is a link to another FR story about a horrible gay murder in New York City.
Boob belt. Sorry. I am posting from a phone that thought I really meant boon as boon wasn’t in its dictionary.
She dresses like Sasquatch. I assume her to be a fan.
Boob! LOL. I’ll get it eventually.
Ma’am, this quite surprises me that you would consider marrying someone and not really have a clue that they were gay. There are always signs.
Honestly, talk to the guys. And listen to them when they say that so and so is gay.
What I have noticed is that many girls like gay guys because of their traits. This is part of the reason that they wind up in this situation in the first place.
Don't these women wonder when these 'men' don't act like men around them?
Someone gets curious.
Someone starts to believe that curiosity is really them.
Someone fulfills the curiosity.
Someone believes that this is now their genetically designated lifestyle.
WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN?
The guy was looking at gay porn and probably saying, Why is this turning me on? Instead of surmising, Well, maybe because Im looking at f***ed up porn, his answer was IM GAY!
Wait, what ? I've sadly seen gay porn, it makes me want to vomit. Its pretty damn disgusting to me, I'm not so sure that there is any reason why a person who isn't gay would be turned on by gay porn. I can't imagine anyone who isn't gay not being revolted by gay porn.
That said, the reason why someone is gay, is debatable, but liking gay porn, is probably more of a sign then a cause.
One thing to keep in mind is that your average heterosexual male doesn't get tempted to be "curious" about other men in a sexual way; and your average heterosexual woman is even less likely to be "curious" about other women in a sexual way.
The "curiosity" develops when someone has a shaky gender identity, and there is an imbalance of masculinity/femininity. The little boy who has been treated like a girl by his mother, for example, and who has had minimal contact with a secure father or a father-substitute, is much more likely to develop a sexual interest in men. Just the other day, there was an article about a U.S. figure skater who has officially "come out" (even though nobody was the least bit surprised at his announcement). He said that as a six-year-old, he was watching Pretty Woman and developed a crush on Richard Gere. He said that he wanted to be Julia Roberts so badly, and that he wanted to kiss Richard Gere. It's pretty obvious that he was suffering from an overdeveloped feminine side and an underdeveloped masculine side.
Unfortunately, nowadays it seems that people jump to the erroneous conclusion, "I'm gay!" instead of the reasoned conclusion, "I am struggling with same-sex attractions. What is the reason for this, and what can I do about it?" Having same-sex attractions doesn't define who a person is--rather, it is something a person *has*. Similarly, if I have a broken leg or cancer, that's not who I *am*--it just means that a part of me isn't in full health.
I imagine that the guy in this article has probably had same-sex attractions for some time, but unfortunately he has now embraced them as his identity. That's a shame.
>>Don’t these women wonder when these ‘men’ don’t act like men around them?<<
I guess they buy that “It’s a European Shoulder Bag” thing.
Women should not buy that crap anymore than men should be cowed into saying/doing that crap.
She did waste 10 years on him. She has to find out why she wanted to drag it out so long. His less than total availability served her in some way. But then, the whole shack up scene was wrong.
My guess is that she has poor boundaries, and she'd find a healthy male threatening. I wonder what the new guy is like, and if he's really into her, or is he passive in some way.
I saw a show once, maybe Oprah, where the homosexual ex husband came on with his ex wife. They had been married and had kids, and one day he told her he couldn't live a lie, etc. They were “friends,” though it looked like the wife's heart was still ripped out, and as he told his part of the story, the audience was all “Oh, the poor gay; of course he can't live a lie!” IOW, like the expression on The Bachelor, he had to “follow his heart.”
Every person in the studio was emotionally enabling that f’n b@st@rd, as the ex wife did her best to be loving, and unconditionally accepting, which seemed more reminiscent of a mother's ways. She was doing her best in a bad situation, but I hope she learned a lot since then.
Homosexuals do what they feel like and leave a lot of human wreckage, but they want it to be okay with everyone.
>>That said, the reason why someone is gay, is debatable, but liking gay porn, is probably more of a sign then a cause. <<
Interesting. Mrs. FD doesn’t approve of hetero porn research. I can try to convince her it means I am not gay but somehow I don’t think that will work...
lol, in the interests of full disclosure, I'll admit, I don't really like hetero porn either, but thats just for different reasons.....
I'm not a fan of porn, but I do get disgusted seeing anything that even remotely resembles gay porn.
Agreed! Women are too willing to settle.
“If you are with a guy for 10 years and dont know he is gay, you are dumber than Lois Lane! And if you sleep with someone that long, you are just a slut who probably deserves the result.”
Harsh (but funny).
She never says if she’s straight. The fact that she wouldn’t marry the guy for 10 years makes me think that there’s also a bit of a Lezbo side to her.
From the post: “As an episode of Sex and the City droned in the background” - this tells me all I need to know about her and him!
I had an ex-girl friend who wanted me to share my feelings with her one time. I said sure, I'm feeling very hungry right now, let's eat. She did not find that amusing. However my real feeling about her was that she was deranged. Which is why she's an ex-girl friend. Any guy who is asked by some female to share his feelings should run as far as possible away from that person. Disaster lies ahead.
Metros are just a half-step from being gay, anyway.
Well, they’re at least wannabe cross dressers.
Meh. I don’t mind it. Women are strange. I just know I don’t feel much. I actually have to work at it. For example, I’m at Home Depot. I think to myself, “Isn’t that a nice little chainsaw. Wouldn’t she like it?” So, you see, I do think about their feelings.
Another example. Diamonds. What’s up with that? They look like glass. Some black guy, two miles down sweating his ass off, hoping he doesn’t get buried, it’s buffed up by some weird Jewish guy who won’t eat double thick bacon, sold by a gay guy with a sore ass from the night before. They go crazy over it. Useless, save industrial purposes.
Couldn’t she ‘smell’ the other guy. Yuckkkk!!!!
There is no problem. She will get AIDS and then die. Her problems are over, she just doesn’t realize it yet
What a great accessory concept for that brand of “confused” metrosexual.
I thought you meant a kind of fur hat but hung from the belt, like a merkin—whip off the old leather pants and you got a raccoon pelt down there! Keep you warm at the public restrooms too!
Like a Celtic fur sporran!
Maam, this quite surprises me that you would consider marrying someone and not really have a clue that they were gay. There are always signs.
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Then you must not have grown up on a high gay pop area. I grew up surrounded by gays and lesbians (Palm Springs) AND I have pretty good ‘gaydar’ (better than most) but he was a faithful, temple going, Returned Missionary mormon. That isn’t a profile of a ‘gay man’. He wasn’t a bear, but he wasn’t a twinkie either. We never had sex (active Mormon) and wasn’t planning on it. We never discussed homosexuality because that is a taboo subject in Mormonism (moreso than in other cultures).
And to be honest, I don’t think he knew he was gay until he told me.
BTW, my mother was married to my father for 7 years before she found out he was gay and cheating on her.
Gays are masterful liars and both in the 1970’s and before AND in mormonism, it is something to hide and fight and be ashamed of for the most part. Sadly, that has changed.
So don’t judge me too harshly till you have been where I have been.
Give me a chainsaw over diamonds any day (and yes I’m straight).
Chainsaws are at least useful.
I’ve wondered since I was first introduced to Super Man as a kid, just how taking his glasses off kept people from recognizing him. My wife would know who I was with or without glasses and Lois and Clark were probably together longer than we have been.
I wonder how many women have homosexual children after they kick “Dear old Crazy Dad” to the curb and marry their boyfriend.
There is also something you don’t understand...Mormon culture. At the time, I was Mormon (I have since left, but not because of the gay fiancee).
In Mormonism, young Returned missionaries (age 21) are encouraged to marry as soon as possible and women are condisered ‘old maids’ if they are still single at 21 (then they are encouraged to go on a mission themselves to make them more marriageable).
Also, Mormon dating patterns are different than other cultures. You date someone for a month or two, you pray to know if this is ‘the one’, and if you get a confirmation (burning in the bosom) you get engaged and engagements usually only last about 2 months. I know a lot of LDS who went from meeting their spouse to married in less than 6 months and often less than 4.
We were being cautious. We dated for 6 months and would have been engaged almost 4. In Mormonism, that is a very long time.
I have pinged others who used to be LDS as well who know about this aspect of Mormon culture.
“... fiancee decided that he was gay 6 weeks before the temple wedding...”
Take comfort in the fact you found out before marriage and children. When I was a teen, a neighbor lady thought her husband of 15 years was cheating. Well, he was. It just wasn’t with a woman. He left his wife and two daughters for his new boyfriend. The daughters took it especially hard. One girl was just entering the puberty years and became depressed to the point that she needed to go to a psychiatrist. The youngest daughter completely lost her bubbly personality. Both girls grades dropped dramatically. My granny had a saying... “knowing something before you walk down the aisle and before you walk down the aisle are two different things”. Just a thought.
Oops, need more coffee. Granny said, “knowing something before you walk down the aisle and AFTER you walk down the aisle are two different things”. Sorry.
As far as LDS dating there is a famous Brigham Young quote something like: "Any man not married by the age of 22 is a menace to society."
I guess I don’t understand how one could not tell? IMHO these women must have to over look a lot of obivous signs to be fooled this badly. Perhpas the desire to be married cancels out their abiity to think straight?