According to my calculation this jobs bill will cost nothing, because in ten years the dollar will be worthless.
We won’t have to wait 10 years. And it’s all Bush’s fault anyway.
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then - just to loosen up and be a part of the crowd.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another and soon I was more than just a social thinker.
I began to think alone — “to relax,” I told myself — but I knew it wasn’t true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I turned off the TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She spent that night at her
I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don’t mix, but I couldn’t help myself.
I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau, Muir, Confucius, Camus and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, “What is it exactly that we are doing here?”
One day the boss called me in. He said, “Listen, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don’t stop thinking on the job, you’ll have to find another job.”
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. “Honey,” I confessed, “I’ve been thinking...”
“I know you’ve been thinking,” she said, “and I want a divorce!” “But Honey, surely it’s not that serious.” “It is serious,” she said, her lower lip aquiver.
“You think as much as college professors and college professors don’t make
any money, so if you keep on thinking, we won’t have any money!”
“That’s a fallacious syllogism,” I said impatiently.
She exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no mood to deal with the emotional drama.
“I’m going to the library,” I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some John Locke. I roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up to the big glass doors.
They didn’t open. The library was closed.
To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night.
Leaning on the unfeeling glass and whimpering for Emerson, a poster caught
my eye, “Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?” it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinkers Anonymous poster.
This is why I am what I am today: A recovering thinker.
I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it was “Porky’s.” Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting.
I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is nearly complete for me.
Today I took the final step. I joined the Democrat Party. And we are very excited that our TA Chapter is a serious contender for the prestigious National Non-Thinkers of The Year Award for pledging 100% membership votes for Obama in 2012! First prize is an overnight trip to Chicago. Second prize: A 5 day trip to Chicago. Third prize: Choice of two weeks in Chicago or the complete 2,300 hour CD set of President Obamas speeches (with free hourly updates) and one of his 368 worn-out Teleprompters complete with his autograph signed by his AUTOPEN machine as he was jetting around on Air Farce One that month.