Skip to comments.With All This Bad News, We Need A Good Laugh: Funniest Jokes in the World
Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In
The funniest joke in the world:
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
(Excerpt) Read more at innocentenglish.com ...
BOB HOPE JOKE:
Doctor.: “A Zombie has no will of his own. You see them sometimes walking around blindly with dead eyes following orders, not knowing what they do - not caring.”
Bob Hope: “You mean like Democrats?”
Do you know how a mathematician cured his constipation?
He worked it out with a pencil
...purple people eater.
Tell me if youve heard this one before:
Guy goes into a bar, theres a robot bartender.
The robot says, What will you have? The guy says, Martini. The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, Whats your IQ? The guy says, 168. The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender says, What will you have? The guy says, Martini. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and says, Whats your IQ? The guy says, 100. The robot then starts to talk about NASCAR, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot says, What will you have? The guy says, Martini, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then says, Whats your IQ? The guy says, Uh, about 50. The robot leans in real close and says, So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?
The ending I tell is “she bent over to pick up a sack of potatoes...”
“I figured not - we’re not welcome at the Safeway anymore either”.
My wife and I just happened to be having dinner at some place with some dumb entertainment once. They asked for folks to tell a joke. My wife nudged me to go on up and tell that one (years and years ago), and I beat out 4 other people and got our dinners and drinks for free!
Sadly it’s time to call it a night. Thanks for the jokes and laughs, Freepers. I’m sure I’ll be chuckling tomorrow when I tune in again.
Great joke! LOL!
Mine’s probably well known, but along the same lines:
A brunette comes up to the shore of a river, hoping to find a place to cross.
After a while she sees a blond across the river, and yells, “How do I get to the other side?”
The blond yells back, “You’re already ON the other side!”
A few Rodney Dangerfield jokes:
Here’s my favourite one.
One delightful Sunday afternoon, there was a Newfie fisherman out on his rowboat. Every Sunday he would do the exact same thing, scuttle about for the afternoon and sing his song:
“I’s the guy who buys the boat and I’s the guy who rows it.”
Over and over again.
This Sunday, however, St. Peter took notice of this simple fisherman and his devotion to his one song. So he decided to play a little game.
I wonder what would happen if I took half the man’s brain away? So he prays, and God sees that it is done.
The Newfie in the rowboat stops his cadence, and releases the oars. He picks them up again and starts singing, “I’s the guy who buys the boat and I’s the guy who rows it”.
Just as he has before.
St. Peter is even more amused by this. So he begins to wonder, what happens if God were to take half his brain away again? So he prays and it is done.
The Newfie fisherman pauses in his cadence and releases the oars. Then he begins to sing, “I’s the guy who buys the boat and I’s the guy who rows it!”
So St. Peter, indulging his curiousity, ponders what would happen if he had no brain at all. So he prays to God once more and it is done.
The Newfie fisherman pauses his cadence once more and releases his oars. He picks them up again and begins to sing:
Je te plumerai.”
Four guys are passengers on a small plane flying over the Carribean. There’s an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan. A storm rolls in unexpectedly, and after being battered by turbulence, one of the plane’s engines goes out and they start to lose altitude. The pilot yells back that they have too much weight on board, and that three of the passengers will have to jump or they’re all going to die.
First, the Englishman stands up and says: “I’ll volunteer, but before I jump, I’d just like to say ‘God Save the Queen!’”, then he leaps out of the plane.
Next, the Frenchman steps up and says “Vive La France!” and dives out the hatch.
Then, the Texan gets up and says “Remember the Alamo!”, and pushes the Mexican out.
Three ladies escape from a female prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They are running through the woods with the search party hot on their trail, when the woods end and they come across a field with an old barn. Knowing the searchers are just minutes behind them, they figure their only option is to try to hide in the barn, so they go inside, and hop into some old burlap sacks they find in the corner.
When the search party arrives, they bust into the barn, but it looks empty, so they figure the escapees must have kept running past it. Just as they’re about to leave, the Sheriff notices the sacks in the corner, and tells a deputy to go over and check them out.
The deputy goes up to the first sack, where the brunette is hiding, and gives it a kick. Thinking quickly, the brunette says “Meow”, and the deputy tells the Sheriff, “Ain’t nothing but a cat in this sack”
Then, the deputy kicks the sack that the redhead is hiding in, and she takes a cue from the brunette and says “Woof woof!”, so they deputy says “Just an old hound dog in this one”.
Finally, the deputy kicks the blonde’s sack, and the blonde says “Potato”.
A Jewish man goes to talk to his Rabbi. The Rabbi sees he’s in an agitated state, and asks what’s wrong.
The man says,”It’s my son, Rabbi. He wants to marry a Christian woman.”
The Rabbi said, “YOUR son!? YOUR son!? Let me tell you about MY son! He not only married a Christian woman, but he did it in the church, AND he converted to Christianity. That’s what my son did! And ME, a Rabbi!”
“That’s horrible,” said the man. “What did you do?”
“I talked to God about it, of course,” answered the Rabbi.
“And what did God say?” asked the man.
The Rabbi replied, “Well, God said to me, ‘YOUR son!? YOUR son!?’”
A man is on a business trip and decides to call home to check in with his wife, but the latina housekeeper answers. He asks if his wife is home, and she says: “Si, but the lady is in bed with a man right now.” Infuriated, the man tells the housekeeper: “Ok, do exactly as I say, or I will report you to immigration! Go get the gun I keep in the closet, go to the bedroom and shoot both of them, then come back to the phone for further instructions.”
The housekeeper says “ok”, then puts the phone down. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots, and then the housekeeper comes back on the line. “What should I do now, sir?” she says. “Take both of the bodies and put them in the pool, then put the pool cover on, and I will take care of them when I get home”, he instucts.
“But sir,” she replies, “we do not have a pool!”
“Oh...” says the man, “Sorry, wrong number!”
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the fune...ral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
I now own a Garmin GPS!
The way I heard it was: They landed in a gas plaza on the NJ Turnpike at night and mistook the pumps for earthlings. They went up to each in turn and said take us to your leader. After that they went back to their leaders and reported that earthlings did not understand. They just stood there with their dicks in their ears.
What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a slimy, mud-sucking bottom feeder and the other’s a fish.