Skip to comments.With All This Bad News, We Need A Good Laugh: Funniest Jokes in the World
Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In
The funniest joke in the world:
The Second Funniest Joke ever:
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.
I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes, replies Watson.
And what do you deduce from that?
Watson ponders for a minute.
Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?
Holmes is silent for a moment. Watson, you idiot! he says. Someone has stolen our tent!
The Funniest jokes in different countries:
The Funniest Joke in the U.S.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man. The man then replies: Yeah, well we were married 35 years.
(Excerpt) Read more at innocentenglish.com ...
Incidentally, what's up with the Germans and Belgians? (visit link to read entire list)
Before I was born, the lord gave me the option of a sizable johnson or a good memory. I forgot which I chose...
(OK, not quite clean but not bad either...)
My neighbors wife’s birthday is tomorrow, she’s like a spoiled brat...He said she told him she wanted something that went from 0-200 fast, and didn’t care what color it was. I suggested he buy her a bathroom scale.
Heard that joke told by Little Jimmy Dickens. It’s a riot. :^)
Barack is playing golf in Scotland. He keeps slicing his drives to the left (he is a lefty) on every hole. So he asks his Scottish caddie what is wrong with his swing.
The caddie answers “There is shyt at the end of your driver”
Barack starts to clean the head of his driver with a towel.
The caddie says “It’s on the other end”.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station.
They approached the gas pumps and one of them said to it Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.
The gas pump, of course, did not respond. The alien repeated the greeting and there was still no response. Annoyed by what he perceived as the gas pumps haughty attitude the alien drew his ray gun and said impatiently, Greetings earthling, we come in peace. How dare you ignore us this way? Take us to your leader or I will fire.
The other alien shouted to his comrade, No, you must not anger him but before he could finish his warning the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert where they landed in a heap. When they finally regained consciousness the one who fired turned to the other one and said What a ferocious creature. It nearly killed us. How did you know it was so dangerous?
The other alien answered, If there is one thing I have learned in my travels through the galaxy its if a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick in his own ear, dont screw with him.
Nobody gets in without a tie.
A guy decides to go see a psychiatrist. But before he goes, he strips naked and wraps himself in saran wrap. The psychiatrist takes one look at him and says “I know why you’re here”. The guy says “Oh yeah, how’s that?” The psychiatrist says “I can clearly see you’re nuts”
Bk & bump for later chuckles
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!
Three couples go to join a church. The pastor of the church tells them that to join the church they just abstain from sex for three weeks. Three weeks later they all return to the church and the pastor asks them how they did.
The first couple reported that since they had been married for so long, it was not an issue from them and they completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.
The second couple reported that is was more difficult, and the husband had to sleep on the couch a few nights, but they too completed their assignment. They were welcomed to the church.
When the last couple was asked how they did the husband responded: “Well we decided to paint the living room to take our minds off it. Linda went up the ladder to get some paint and she when came down in front of me, I could not help myself and I took her right there.”
The pastor responded: “Well son, I am sorry to say that after that you will not be allowed in the church.”
The husband says “Yea, well after that, we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either.”
A young lady is driving through a rural area when she sees a huge flock of sheep off the side of the road. She pulls over to flirt with the attractive herdsman. “If I can guess how many sheep are in your flock, can I have one?”
The young man is taken aback by this question, but he's intrigued by this pretty brunette so he says “Sure, go ahead”.
Much to his shock, the young lady correctly guesses the number of sheep in the flock. He bows with a grandiose flourish and says “Pick your sheep ma'am.”
She saunters over, picks up one of the surrounding animals and lugs it back to the car. Just as she's about to drive away the shepherd stops her.
“Ma'am, if I can guess your natural hair color... can I have my DOG back?”
Oldie but still very funny!
A husband and wide are talking one night, and the wife asks the husband: “If I died, would you ever re-marry? The husband replies “Well I am still young, I would probably re-marry”.
The wife asks “If you remarried, would you let her live in this house?. The husband says “Well the house is almost paid for, yes I would let her live in this house.”
The wife says “Would you let her wear any of my clothes?” The huband says, “Well you have a closet full of clothes and they are very nice, so I supposed if she liked them I would let her wear your clothes.”
The wife says “Would you let her drive my sports car? The huband says “No, absolutley not.”
The wife says “I don’t understand, If I died and you remarried, you would let her live in my house, and wear my clothes but you wouldn’t let her drive my sports car? Why not?
The husband replies “Because she can’t drive a straight stick”
What’s the last thing that goes through a bugs head as it hits your windshield?
Why don’t blind people like to skydive?
It scares their dogs.
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, ‘Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?’
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
‘Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I’m a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?’
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, ‘No...not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.’
Okay, so my favorite joke was zotted, I’ll try a “Cleaner” one.
Guy goes into a bar and talks to a prostitute who claims she’ll do anything for two hundred dollars.
So the guy says, “Okay, paint my house.”