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With All This Bad News, We Need A Good Laugh: Funniest Jokes in the World
innocentenglish ^ | 11.9.11

Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In

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To: This Just In

Grandpa sat on the porch watching his little grandson play in the dirt. The kid pulled a nightcrawler out of it’s hole. Grandpa said he would give the kid a quarter if he could get that worm back in the hole. Kid ran to the house, came out with a can of Grandma’s hairspray and hosed the worm down. When it dried, he shoved it in the hole. Grandpa handed over a quarter.

Next day at breakfast, Grandpa handed the kid a $20 bill and said, “Here, Grandma wanted you to have this.”


101 posted on 11/10/2011 5:00:30 AM PST by eartrumpet
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To: This Just In
A elderly couple pulls up to a gas station:

Attendant: How may I help you?
Old Man: Please fill it up.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.

Attendant: So, where are you heading?
Old Man: To Chicago to see our Grandchildren.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man [yelling]: He asked where we're going. I told him we're going to see the Grand kids.

Attendant: It sure is a nice day for a drive.
Old Man: Yes, it's been quite pleasant.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: [yelling] He said its good weather.

Attendant: Where are you coming from?
Old Man: We started our trip from Pittsburgh.
Old Lady: What did he say?
Old Man: [yelling] He asked where we're from and I said Pittsburgh.

Attendant: I dated a girl from Pittsburgh once. She wouldn't shut up and was lousy in bed.
Old lady: What did he say?
Old Man: [yelling] He says he knows you.

102 posted on 11/10/2011 5:01:55 AM PST by SoJoCo
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To: fredhead

LOL! Although if only our military were allowed to actually fight and win in Afghanistan, it really would be “Cowboys & Muslims”.

OK, here’s the only joke that’s always ready in my head:

What do you get when you play a country song backwards?

You get your wife back, your job back, your pickup truck back, and you sober up.

(See Rascal Flatts on youtube on this subject)


103 posted on 11/10/2011 5:05:03 AM PST by elcid1970 ("Deport all Muslims. Nuke Mecca now. Death to Islam means freedom for all mankind.")
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To: This Just In
A man walks in to a bar with a monkey on his shoulder.

The man sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The monkey wanders around the bar. He finds a peanut laying on the bar, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole. He finds a pretzel on the floor, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

Then, the monkey jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, puts it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender asks what's up with the monkey. The man says the the monkey eats anything he can get his hands on. He apologizes, pays for the drink and the cue ball, takes the monkey and leaves.

The next week, the same man walks into the bar, with the same monkey. The man orders a drink, and the monkey starts wandering around looking for bits of food.

The monkey finds a cherry on the bar, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and swallows it whole. He finds a pretzel on the floor, sticks it up his rear end, pulls it out and swallows it whole.

The bartender asks about the monkey's strange behavior. The man replies, "He still likes to eat anything he finds, but after he passed that cue ball last week, he measures everything first!"

I'm here all week! Try the veal!

104 posted on 11/10/2011 5:07:42 AM PST by Johnny B.
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To: This Just In
"A guy says to his buddy, "Do you talk to your wife after sex?"
The first guy says, "Yes, if I can find a phone."
105 posted on 11/10/2011 5:09:38 AM PST by Logic n' Reason (N/A)
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To: This Just In
Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.” The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square.

As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. Trying out the set-up, the first guy jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up, the second guy notices that he has a few cuts and scratches. Unfortunately, the second guy isn’t able catch him; he falls again, bounces and comes back up again.

This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again,the second guy misses him. The first guy falls a third time and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up – he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, the second guy finally catches him and asks, “What happened? Is the cord too long?” The first guy says, “No, the cord is fine. But what the hell is a pinata?”

106 posted on 11/10/2011 5:15:40 AM PST by glennaro
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To: stormhill
Obama is in Vegas and he has managed to slip his Secret Service for a wild night on his own. Michelle is back in D.C. so his thoughts turn to...gratification.
So he goes to a cat house and, ever loyal to his party's base, he asks the madam, "Is this cat house unionized?" The madam says no.

He goes to a second cat house, and a third, and then a fourth, and in every one he asks if the hookers are unionized. In each one the madam says no.

Finally he comes to one and the answer to his question is, "Yes. We are a union shop. All our girls are members of the Service Workers Union, Local 704." Obama is elated.

Looking around the room, Obama spys a cute, slim brunette and tells the madam that that's the girl he'd like.

"I'm sure you would," the madam replies, gesturing to a fat hooker about 50 years old, "But Bertha here has seniority."

107 posted on 11/10/2011 5:25:46 AM PST by SoJoCo
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To: This Just In

Q: Why do they call it PMS?

A: Because mad cow disease was already taken


108 posted on 11/10/2011 5:27:04 AM PST by Bulwyf
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To: muir_redwoods

I thought that dog was named cigarette and the owner took him for a drag.


109 posted on 11/10/2011 5:27:42 AM PST by nixonsnose (Let's see all you lawyers argue your way out of hell.)
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To: elcid1970

The saddest song ever written - The Down to Seeds and Stems Again Blues

I’m sittin alone, Saturday night, watching the Late Late Show
A bottle of wine, some cigarettes, I got no place to go
Well, I saw your other man today, he was wearing my brand new shoes
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too

Well, I met my old friend Bob today from up in Bowling Green
He had the prettiest little gal that I’d ever seen
But I couldn’t hide my tears at all ‘cause she looked just like you
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too

Now everybody tells me there’s other ways to get high
They don’t seem to understand, I’m too far gone to try
Now these lonely memories, they’re all I can’t lose
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too

Well, my dog died just yesterday and left me all alone
The finance company dropped by today and repossessed my home
That’s just a drop in the bucket compared to losing you
And I’m down to seeds and stems again, too

Got the down to seeds and stems again blues


110 posted on 11/10/2011 5:28:01 AM PST by fredhead (I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for cracks.)
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To: This Just In

A guy was out golfing with his wife. On the 16th hole, a dog-leg to the left, he hits a slight slice. The ball land in the parking lot for the maintenance shed.

He and his wife are looking at the lie and the wife says, “Both the overhead doors are open, just hit it through the shed and you could still save par.”

So he lines up and hits the ball. It almost makes it through the shed but catches the edge of the far door, comes straight back, hits his wife between the eyes and kills her.

Several monthe later, while playing with a buddy, he flubs the tee shot on the 16th hole. Same situation in the parking lot. His buddy says, “Both the overhead doors are open, just hit it through the shed and you could still save par.”

He says, “No way. Last time I tried that, I wound up with a triple bogie.”


111 posted on 11/10/2011 5:29:05 AM PST by CPOSharky (The only thing straight, white, Christian males get is the blame for everything.)
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To: Bulwyf
My wife says that PMS stands for
Putting up with
Men's
S*** (the four letter word for defecation)

When I was on instructor duty in the Navy, we were told we couldn't use profanity while instructing.

So we used the LONG words.....Defecation, Flatulation, Urination, and Fornication.

112 posted on 11/10/2011 5:31:49 AM PST by fredhead (I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for cracks.)
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To: fredhead

Bump the good stuff for later!


113 posted on 11/10/2011 5:52:24 AM PST by pingman (Durn tootin'; I like Glock shootin'!)
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To: This Just In

So.....”a dyslexic man walks into a bra....”


114 posted on 11/10/2011 5:59:28 AM PST by Logic n' Reason (N/A)
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To: dragnet2

115 posted on 11/10/2011 6:06:37 AM PST by ErnBatavia (Obama Voters: Jose Baez wants YOU for his next jury pool.......)
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To: ErnBatavia

ping


116 posted on 11/10/2011 6:29:48 AM PST by Dick Vomer (democrats are like flies, whatever they don't eat, they sh#t on.)
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To: CPOSharky

Three blonds walked into a bar.

It was kind of strange, you’d think one of them would
have thought to open the door.


117 posted on 11/10/2011 7:11:37 AM PST by vwbug
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To: dfwgator
Wenn ist das Nunstruck git und Slotermeyer? Ja! ... Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!

Now that's funny right th

118 posted on 11/10/2011 7:31:34 AM PST by IYAS9YAS (Rose, there's a Messerschmitt in the kitchen. Clean it up, will ya?)
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Click the Pic

Don't Let the FReepathon DragOn!

Donate Monthly
Sponsors will fire up $10 for each New Monthly Donor

Many thanks to JoeProBono for the Cyclops dragon graphic

119 posted on 11/10/2011 8:23:53 AM PST by TheOldLady (FReepmail me to get ON or OFF the ZOT LIGHTNING ping list)
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To: IYAS9YAS
Now that's funny right th
LOL for the Monty Python reference.

Let's not forget the British entry in the humor contest:

I don't like all the sex on television. I mean, I keep falling off!
It came in last.
120 posted on 11/10/2011 8:32:46 AM PST by Johnny B.
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To: Jeff Chandler
Whaddya call a guy with no arms and no legs:
at your front door?
Matt
tacked up on a wall?
Art
in a hot tub?
Stu
in the middle of the ocean
Bob

121 posted on 11/10/2011 8:52:50 AM PST by Impala64ssa
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To: This Just In

Why does Sharon Bialek like tilt steering wheels?
More headroom! NYUK NYUK NYUK


122 posted on 11/10/2011 8:54:29 AM PST by Impala64ssa
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To: elcid1970

Lol, that’s a good one!


123 posted on 11/10/2011 8:58:42 AM PST by Boogieman
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To: This Just In

A priest, a minister and a rabbi,a beautiful blonde and a guy with a duck on his shoulder walk into a bar.

The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of joke?”


124 posted on 11/10/2011 8:58:52 AM PST by Wordkraft
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To: Wordkraft
Whaddya call a Black guy who flies an airplane?
A PILOT! what are you some kind of racist?
125 posted on 11/10/2011 9:07:06 AM PST by Impala64ssa
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To: Impala64ssa

ok that one was funny


126 posted on 11/10/2011 9:15:55 AM PST by Rightly Biased (Do you know how awkward it is to have a political argument with a naked man?)
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To: Iron Munro

The bartender asked me what I wanted, and I said “Surprise me.” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.


127 posted on 11/10/2011 9:28:57 AM PST by Cyber Liberty (Cain = National Sales Tax; Perry = Amnesty for Illegals; Romney = Obamacare forever. Who's left?)
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To: This Just In

German one IS pretty funny!


128 posted on 11/10/2011 9:40:43 AM PST by Fire_on_High (Gohmert ROCKS!)
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To: LibWhacker

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve somethin’ to tell ya”.
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be telling ya, Brenda.”
There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery...”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me.”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I’m sorry.
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned.”
“Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?”
“Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee.”


129 posted on 11/10/2011 9:44:59 AM PST by Eepsy
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To: ex91B10

Thanks - I’ll need to spend more time there - cute stuff.

At a church retreat several of the adults and older kids were doing charades. My boy wanted to join in instead of going with the little kids - I suppose he was 7 or 8.

He pulls his card, looks at the word, and starts with the charade. Pointing at his pants. (No), belt (no), zipper (no), then he arches his back holding his hands in front of his groin (huhhh???) Frantically starts pointing at his groin again as the timer runs down.

The word was “peephole”!

I felt bad for him, but it was sure fun to see grown adults try to keep from laughing with tears streaming down their faces.


130 posted on 11/10/2011 10:31:37 AM PST by 21twelve ("We can go from boom to bust, from dreams to a bowl of dust....and another lost generation.")
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To: 21twelve
Give him and 'A' for effort...;)

Art Linkletter had a show named "Kids say the darndest things, here are some clips. A laugh a minute.


131 posted on 11/10/2011 12:39:17 PM PST by ex91B10 (We've tried the Soap Box,the Ballot Box and the Jury Box; one box left.)
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To: Boogieman

Love it!

Three girlfriends, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead go into a bar that boasts a bartender that knows every cocktail ever made. The bar has a policy that whoever requests a drink that stumps the bartender, their party drinks free for the night. The girls decide to give it a try. The brunette goes first. “I’ll have an IWW, please.”

“Irish whiskey and water, coming right up.”, he says. Then the redhead goes next. “Give me a C&S, please.”

“Courvoisier and soda, coming right up.”, he replies. “Boy, he IS good, they say.” The blonde says, “I’ll stump him. Give me a 15, please.”

“Hmmm. A 15? Well, I guess you got me, I’ve never heard of a 15, what is it?”

The blonde replies, “Well, duh, a Seven and Seven!”


132 posted on 11/10/2011 3:22:51 PM PST by boatbums ( Not by works of righteousness which we have done, but according to his mercy he saved us. Titus 3:5)
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To: Victoria_R

It wasn’t funny the second time, and the third time the audience booed!


133 posted on 11/10/2011 3:48:00 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: fteuph

What I’ve never figured out is how a Thermos bottle knows whether to keep the contents warm or cold?


134 posted on 11/10/2011 3:57:29 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: This Just In

What does it mean when a man is balding on top of his head?
It means that he thinks.

And when he’s balding from the forehead up?
It means that he’s intelligent.

And when he’s balding in both places?
He thinks that he’s intelligent!


135 posted on 11/10/2011 4:30:21 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: plangent

Ping


136 posted on 11/10/2011 4:48:34 PM PST by plangent
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To: This Just In

A blonde calls 911:

- My husband swallowed a needle.
- We’ll be there in a few minutes.

Blonde calls back:

- Never mind, I found another one.


137 posted on 11/10/2011 4:51:55 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: This Just In

A brunette tells a blonde:

- I did a pregnancy test yesterday.

The Blonde:

- Were the questions difficult?


138 posted on 11/10/2011 4:54:57 PM PST by Revolting cat! (Let us prey!)
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To: Revolting cat!

A seal runs into a club.


139 posted on 11/10/2011 6:33:49 PM PST by UCANSEE2 (Lame and ill-informed post)
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To: This Just In

A Man gets on the train with his son and gives the conductor one ticket. “How old’s your kid?” asks the conductor, and the father says, “He’s four years old.”
“He looks at least twelve to me,” says the conductor, and the father says, “Can I help it if he worries?”


140 posted on 11/10/2011 6:42:04 PM PST by 6323cd
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To: dfwgator

141 posted on 11/10/2011 6:46:09 PM PST by 6323cd
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To: This Just In
The World's Funniest Joke?
142 posted on 11/10/2011 6:48:12 PM PST by 6323cd
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To: This Just In

The Height of the Ridiculous

I wrote some lines once on a time,
In wondrous merry mood,
And thought, as usual, men would say
They were exceeding good.

They were so queer, so very queer,
I laughed as I would die;
Albeit, in the general way,
A sober man am I.

I called my servant, and he came;
How kind it was of him,
To mind a slender man like me,
He of the mighty limb!

“These to the printer,” I exclaimed,
And, in my humorous way,
I added (as a trifling jest),
“There’ll be the devil to pay.”

He took the paper, and I watched,
And saw him peep within;
As the first line he read, his face
Was all upon the grin.

He read the next: the grin grew broad,
And shot from ear to ear;
He read the third: a chuckling noise
I now began to hear.

The fourth: he broke into a roar;
The fifth: his waistband split;
The sixth: he burst five buttons off,
And tumbled in a fit.

Ten days and nights, with sleepless eye,
I watched that wretched man,
And since, I never dare to write
As funny as I can.

O.W.H


143 posted on 11/10/2011 7:30:00 PM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (*Philosophy lesson 117-22b: Anyone who demands to be respected is undeserving of it.*)
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To: Revolting cat!

Reminds me of:
If a man is losing the hair on his head in the front, he is a thinker.

If he loses his hair in the back, he is a lover.

If he loses the hair on both the front and the back, he thinks he’s a lover.


144 posted on 11/10/2011 8:15:10 PM PST by ConservativeChris
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To: Impala64ssa

In your mailbox? Bill

What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter he wont come anyway.

Why Can’t Helen Keller drive?
Because she’s a woman.


145 posted on 11/10/2011 8:20:18 PM PST by ConservativeChris
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To: Iron Munro

No respct I tell ya no respect at all, I told my son, “just wait one day you’ll have kids of your own!” He says to me “sure pop, so will you!”


146 posted on 11/10/2011 11:10:06 PM PST by Impala64ssa
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To: Jeff Chandler

A colored woman goes to see her pastor and confess she had had sex with a stranger that week.
As she confessed....(Comment removed by me before the moderator sees it!)

And it was funny!


147 posted on 11/11/2011 6:11:51 PM PST by Ruy Dias de Bivar
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To: Johnny B.

A man walks onto a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.

He proclaims..”I got a fighting parrot and can whip any bird in the house”!

another man promptly calls hIm out..”I’ve got a fighting rooster and will take on your parrot right here”!

The barflys form a circle as the parrot and rooster get ready to tangle!

The parrot owner is momentarily distracted and the rooster owner then slips on a pair of sharp fighting spurs.

They tangle! Suddenly the parrot breaks away and flies up to a light fixture and yells..

“LOOK OUT! THIS M*F* GOT A RAZOR!


148 posted on 11/11/2011 6:43:35 PM PST by Ruy Dias de Bivar
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To: Ruy Dias de Bivar

"Jack and Jill went up the hill....."

149 posted on 11/11/2011 7:08:22 PM PST by ErnBatavia (Obama Voters: Jose Baez wants YOU for his next jury pool.......)
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To: ErnBatavia

“Little Boy Blue...”


150 posted on 11/11/2011 7:09:55 PM PST by dfwgator (I stand with Herman Cain.)
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