Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

With All This Bad News, We Need A Good Laugh: Funniest Jokes in the World
innocentenglish ^ | 11.9.11

Posted on 11/09/2011 10:54:25 PM PST by This Just In

click here to read article


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-5051-100101-150151-155 next last
To: This Just In

Four guys are passengers on a small plane flying over the Carribean. There’s an Englishman, a Frenchman, a Mexican, and a Texan. A storm rolls in unexpectedly, and after being battered by turbulence, one of the plane’s engines goes out and they start to lose altitude. The pilot yells back that they have too much weight on board, and that three of the passengers will have to jump or they’re all going to die.

First, the Englishman stands up and says: “I’ll volunteer, but before I jump, I’d just like to say ‘God Save the Queen!’”, then he leaps out of the plane.

Next, the Frenchman steps up and says “Vive La France!” and dives out the hatch.

Then, the Texan gets up and says “Remember the Alamo!”, and pushes the Mexican out.


51 posted on 11/10/2011 12:07:55 AM PST by Boogieman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriot08

lol


52 posted on 11/10/2011 12:08:50 AM PST by dennisw (I heard the old man laughing. What good is a used up world and how could it be worth having-- Sting)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

Three ladies escape from a female prison, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead. They are running through the woods with the search party hot on their trail, when the woods end and they come across a field with an old barn. Knowing the searchers are just minutes behind them, they figure their only option is to try to hide in the barn, so they go inside, and hop into some old burlap sacks they find in the corner.

When the search party arrives, they bust into the barn, but it looks empty, so they figure the escapees must have kept running past it. Just as they’re about to leave, the Sheriff notices the sacks in the corner, and tells a deputy to go over and check them out.

The deputy goes up to the first sack, where the brunette is hiding, and gives it a kick. Thinking quickly, the brunette says “Meow”, and the deputy tells the Sheriff, “Ain’t nothing but a cat in this sack”

Then, the deputy kicks the sack that the redhead is hiding in, and she takes a cue from the brunette and says “Woof woof!”, so they deputy says “Just an old hound dog in this one”.

Finally, the deputy kicks the blonde’s sack, and the blonde says “Potato”.


53 posted on 11/10/2011 12:17:08 AM PST by Boogieman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Iron Munro
Rodney Dangerfield discussing how his neighborhood is going down hill.
Sees a naked man running down his street, pulls his car over, asked the man why he was running down the street naked.
Man says "You came home early".
54 posted on 11/10/2011 12:20:04 AM PST by The Cajun (Palin, Free Republic, Mark Levin, Rush, Hannity......Nuff said.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 49 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

A Jewish man goes to talk to his Rabbi. The Rabbi sees he’s in an agitated state, and asks what’s wrong.

The man says,”It’s my son, Rabbi. He wants to marry a Christian woman.”

The Rabbi said, “YOUR son!? YOUR son!? Let me tell you about MY son! He not only married a Christian woman, but he did it in the church, AND he converted to Christianity. That’s what my son did! And ME, a Rabbi!”

“That’s horrible,” said the man. “What did you do?”

“I talked to God about it, of course,” answered the Rabbi.

“And what did God say?” asked the man.

The Rabbi replied, “Well, God said to me, ‘YOUR son!? YOUR son!?’”


55 posted on 11/10/2011 12:20:35 AM PST by dagogo redux (A whiff of primitive spirits in the air, harbingers of an impending descent into the feral.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

A man is on a business trip and decides to call home to check in with his wife, but the latina housekeeper answers. He asks if his wife is home, and she says: “Si, but the lady is in bed with a man right now.” Infuriated, the man tells the housekeeper: “Ok, do exactly as I say, or I will report you to immigration! Go get the gun I keep in the closet, go to the bedroom and shoot both of them, then come back to the phone for further instructions.”

The housekeeper says “ok”, then puts the phone down. After about a minute, the man hears two gunshots, and then the housekeeper comes back on the line. “What should I do now, sir?” she says. “Take both of the bodies and put them in the pool, then put the pool cover on, and I will take care of them when I get home”, he instucts.

“But sir,” she replies, “we do not have a pool!”

“Oh...” says the man, “Sorry, wrong number!”


56 posted on 11/10/2011 12:27:57 AM PST by Boogieman
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Oklahoma back country.

As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the fune...ral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt bad and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

I now own a Garmin GPS!

57 posted on 11/10/2011 12:58:06 AM PST by loboinok (Gun control is hitting what you aim at!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: patriot08

The way I heard it was: They landed in a gas plaza on the NJ Turnpike at night and mistook the pumps for earthlings. They went up to each in turn and said take us to your leader. After that they went back to their leaders and reported that earthlings did not understand. They just stood there with their dicks in their ears.


58 posted on 11/10/2011 1:06:55 AM PST by OldEagle
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 7 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?

One is a slimy, mud-sucking bottom feeder and the other’s a fish.


59 posted on 11/10/2011 1:11:18 AM PST by tanuki (O-voters: wanted Uberman, got Underdog....)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

Comment #60 Removed by Moderator

To: Iron Munro

I asked my father can I go skating in the lake...he said wait till it gets warmer


61 posted on 11/10/2011 1:16:00 AM PST by stormhill
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 49 | View Replies]

To: BenKenobi

Strictly a Canadian insider joke!


62 posted on 11/10/2011 1:21:09 AM PST by expat1000
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 50 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brothers, one is in America and the other in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss. “Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine! Tis me … I’ve quit drinking!”


63 posted on 11/10/2011 1:24:11 AM PST by LibWhacker
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: freedumb2003
Q: What do you call an older woman who lusts after young men?

A: Cougar

Q: What do you call an older man who lusts after young boys?

A: Nittany Lion

64 posted on 11/10/2011 1:33:43 AM PST by fellowpatriot
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: federal__reserve
Barack gives a political speech at a reservation.

-If you elect me, ah...I'll give you free healthcare!
All the braves in unison shout out: Hoya, hoya!!

-and new schools for the papooses!
Hoya, hoya!

-uh...I'll even build you a casino
Hoya, hoya!!!

After the speech, Barack's walking around with the chief and says: you have some fine cattle in this corral, may I inspect them?
The chief answers: you go look, but be careful you don't step in them hoya.

65 posted on 11/10/2011 1:39:18 AM PST by stormhill
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: expat1000

As long as the joke is SERIOUSLY anti-Canadien...

Otherwise GO TO HELL!


66 posted on 11/10/2011 1:43:48 AM PST by raygun (http://bastiat.org/en/the_law DOT html)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 62 | View Replies]

To: Jeff Chandler
Hey! Uga is the GEORGIA mascot, not GEORGIA TECH'S!
67 posted on 11/10/2011 1:50:39 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 28 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

bookmark


68 posted on 11/10/2011 2:05:49 AM PST by Semper Vigilantis (Want to stop illegals and lower unemployment? Shut off the welfare faucet.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

The Governor Moonbeam joke I heard way back when.

When Jerry Brown was elected governor of California (the first time), the outgoing governor, Ronald Reagan, handed Brown three numbered and sealed envelopes saying “When you have a political crisis, open an envelope.”

A year goes by and Brown encounters his first political crisis as governor. While pondering what to do, he remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. Inside is a note: “Blame your predecessor.” Brown does so and emerges unscathed from the crisis.

Things go fine for awhile and then another political crisis occurs. Brown finds the envelopes and opens the second one. Inside is a note: “Blame the legislature.” Brown does so and again emerges unscathed from the crisis.

Eventually a third crisis occurs. Brown hurries to open envelope number three. The note reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”


69 posted on 11/10/2011 2:09:34 AM PST by Victoria_R (Believers in VERY small government: Count Mountjoy/Benter in 2012!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

The Governor Moonbeam joke I heard way back when.

When Jerry Brown was elected governor of California (the first time), the outgoing governor, Ronald Reagan, handed Brown three numbered and sealed envelopes saying “When you have a political crisis, open an envelope.”

A year goes by and Brown encounters his first political crisis as governor. While pondering what to do, he remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. Inside is a note: “Blame your predecessor.” Brown does so and emerges unscathed from the crisis.

Things go fine for awhile and then another political crisis occurs. Brown finds the envelopes and opens the second one. Inside is a note: “Blame the legislature.” Brown does so and again emerges unscathed from the crisis.

Eventually a third crisis occurs. Brown hurries to open envelope number three. The note reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”


70 posted on 11/10/2011 2:10:38 AM PST by Victoria_R (Believers in VERY small government: Count Mountjoy/Benter in 2012!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

The Governor Moonbeam joke I heard way back when.

When Jerry Brown was elected governor of California (the first time), the outgoing governor, Ronald Reagan, handed Brown three numbered and sealed envelopes saying “When you have a political crisis, open an envelope.”

A year goes by and Brown encounters his first political crisis as governor. While pondering what to do, he remembers the envelopes and opens the first one. Inside is a note: “Blame your predecessor.” Brown does so and emerges unscathed from the crisis.

Things go fine for awhile and then another political crisis occurs. Brown finds the envelopes and opens the second one. Inside is a note: “Blame the legislature.” Brown does so and again emerges unscathed from the crisis.

Eventually a third crisis occurs. Brown hurries to open envelope number three. The note reads: “Prepare three envelopes.”


71 posted on 11/10/2011 2:11:26 AM PST by Victoria_R (Believers in VERY small government: Count Mountjoy/Benter in 2012!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: BenKenobi

Good one.

I was trying to remember things my kids have said that were funny.

My son was perhaps 7 or so. The older neighbor kid called his sister “pyscho”. My boy defended the sister and yell at the boy “yeah - well you’re GARBAGE!”

We explained to him that it was not okay to call people “garbage”. He replied “Well he called her RECYCLE!” (I immediatly realized that the school indoctrination of environmentalism was taking hold!)

******************************************************

I had just bought a new truck - a Chevy Avalanche. I took the kids up into the mountains to go play in the snow. We passed by a cannon up on a stand, and was telling them they use that to shoot artillery shells to knock down the avalanches. About 30 seconds and a half-mile down the road, obviously after thinking about it a bit, my 4 -year old daughter in all seriousness asks “Dad - they’re not going to shoot at our Avalanche are they?”


72 posted on 11/10/2011 2:18:49 AM PST by 21twelve ("We can go from boom to bust, from dreams to a bowl of dust....and another lost generation.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 50 | View Replies]

To: Victoria_R

Sorry, the wireless connection lied to me. Feel free to delete the duplicates.


73 posted on 11/10/2011 2:18:56 AM PST by Victoria_R (Believers in VERY small government: Count Mountjoy/Benter in 2012!!!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 71 | View Replies]

To: Iron Munro

Man - he’s great. I laughed at every one of those! Classics.

I like the one where the girl from New York walks into a bar in Wyoming. She sits down next to an old guy with a beat-up comboy hat staring at his beer.

“Are you a REAL cowboy?”

“Yep”

Do you have a horse?

“Yes maam, but it’s back at the ranch. But yep, use him to herd cows, all that cowboy stuff. How about you - what are you?”

“I’m a lesbian!”

“A what?”

“You know - a lesbian. I don’t sleep with men - I sleep with girls. I love girls. I love the way they talk, the way they feel, the way they smell, their soft hair - pretty much everything about them! That’s why I’m a lesbian.”

“Heh - well I’ll be danged! That’s somethin’!”

A little while later this Asian guy comes in taking photos of everything and wants the guy to stand up so he can take a picture of a real cowboy.

“Sorry pal - I thought I was a cowboy - but I just found out I’m a lesbian!”


74 posted on 11/10/2011 2:33:11 AM PST by 21twelve ("We can go from boom to bust, from dreams to a bowl of dust....and another lost generation.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 49 | View Replies]

To: fellowpatriot

Oh man ! That was quick. Good one.


75 posted on 11/10/2011 2:39:50 AM PST by 21twelve ("We can go from boom to bust, from dreams to a bowl of dust....and another lost generation.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 64 | View Replies]

To: Jeff Chandler
we are not allowed in the Home Depot anymore either

Thanks! That was the best one so far.

76 posted on 11/10/2011 2:45:21 AM PST by Right Wing Assault (Dick Obama is more inexperienced now than he was before he was elected.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 13 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

btt


77 posted on 11/10/2011 2:49:28 AM PST by CGASMIA68
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: 21twelve
A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender for two beers.One for himself and one for the pig he had sitting on the floor next to him.

The bartender says sorry mate we don't serve animals and you'll have to take it outside.

The guys says,mate,this aint no ordinary pig,about a month back,our house caught fire.We were all asleep till woken by the pig running up and down the hallway squealing.He saved us all.

Just last week our youngest fell off the river bank and the pig jumped straight in after him,no hesitation just dragged him outta the water.

The bartender says well bugger me,I've never heard anything like that before,it'd be my pleasure to pour the little fella a beer.

As he leans over to give the pig his beer he notices one of it's legs missing.What's the go with the missing leg?

The guy leans in close and says,mate,when you've got a pig this special,you don't eat him all at once.

78 posted on 11/10/2011 2:51:35 AM PST by mitch5501 (My guitar wants to kill your momma!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 72 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

.


79 posted on 11/10/2011 2:53:20 AM PST by CGASMIA68
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: mitch5501
A Texan had a friend staying over from California.

One morning while out checking fences they come across a sheep with it's head stuck in the fence.

They pull up,get out of the truck and walk over to the sheep.

As they're walking,the Californian sees the Texan undoing his trousers and asks him what he's doing?

The Texan replies that out here on the land folks are far more resourcefull,more self reliant and always make the most of their opportunities and that you'd do well to follow suite.

So the Californian bends down and sticks his head in the fence.

80 posted on 11/10/2011 3:03:39 AM PST by mitch5501 (My guitar wants to kill your momma!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 78 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
The funniest joke in the world causes you to die laughing:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gpjk_MaCGM

81 posted on 11/10/2011 3:24:39 AM PST by Yo-Yo (Is the /sarc tag really necessary?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

Did you hear the one about the guy who had a dog with no legs and everyday he took it out for a scrape?


82 posted on 11/10/2011 3:33:02 AM PST by muir_redwoods (Somewhere in Kenya, a village is missing an idiot)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Bear Removers.” He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

“What are you going to do,” the homeowner asks?

“I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van.”

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

“What’s the shotgun for?” asks the homeowner. “If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.”


83 posted on 11/10/2011 3:35:02 AM PST by paul51 (11 September 2001 - Never forget)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: LibWhacker

Thread winner! LOL


84 posted on 11/10/2011 3:35:31 AM PST by saganite (What happens to taglines? Is there a termination date?)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 63 | View Replies]

To: OldEagle

LOL funny


85 posted on 11/10/2011 3:36:01 AM PST by patriot08 (TEXAS GAL- born and bred and proud of it!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 58 | View Replies]

To: Iron Munro

Bumping and marking for Rodney Dangerfield!


86 posted on 11/10/2011 4:00:27 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 49 | View Replies]

To: This Just In

Two snakes are slithering along when the first one says, “Hey, are we poisonous?”

“No”, says the second snake.

“Oh good”, says the first snake, “because I just bit my tongue”.


87 posted on 11/10/2011 4:02:47 AM PST by Kharis13 (That noise you hear is our Founding Fathers spinning in their graves.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
True story from W. Bush's book Decision Points. Bush is writing about his dad Bush Sr. when he was in the hospital.

Sr. wakes up after surgery in his bed in his room and sees the doctors standing around his bed.

Bush: "Morning Doc.How did it go? Are my testicles black?

The docs looked at each other and back at Sr. "Uh..what?"

Bush Sr groggily: "Are my testicles black?"

The docs look around again and back at Sr.

Sr. says clearly "Doc! Are my test results back?"

The room erupts in laughter.

88 posted on 11/10/2011 4:07:41 AM PST by normy (Don't take it personally, just take it seriously.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Jeff Chandler

A long one, lyrics to the song “The Sick Note.”

Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.

Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn’t very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.

Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.

And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.

Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.

Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.

The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.

I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn’t got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.

The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.

Listen to it here......

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_Vfxuk8x_A


89 posted on 11/10/2011 4:13:22 AM PST by fredhead (I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for cracks.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 25 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it ... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'


90 posted on 11/10/2011 4:17:42 AM PST by ex91B10 (We've tried the Soap Box,the Ballot Box and the Jury Box; one box left.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
An old miner comes in from the mountains, donkey in tow loaded with shovels and picks, and ties him to the hitching post in front of the saloon

As he steps onto the wooden sidewalk, ready to quench his dry throat, a young cowboy stumbles out of the saloon, pistols drawn. He looks at the old miner and says

"Hey old man! You ever dance before!"

The old man shakes his head no and the drunken cowboy starts firing away at the miners feet.

The miner is dancing all around the dusty street to avoid the bullets ricocheting off the ground. They cowboy is laughing as he fires round after round.

Finally he expends all 12 rounds "click, click,click"

The cowboy laughs

"Well now you have old timer!" and turns to walk away.

the miner walks over to his donkey and pulls out a double barrel shotgun and points it toward the cowboy's turned back. He cocks the gun as the crowd in the street watches. The cowboy turn slowly and is looking down the barrell all the pride drained from his face.

the miner asks "You ever kissed a donkeys ass before?"

Cowboy responds "No sir but I have been meaning to give that a try"

91 posted on 11/10/2011 4:17:50 AM PST by normy (Don't take it personally, just take it seriously.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Boogieman

The Englishman, the Frenchman, the Mexican & the Texan. LOL! Also, don’t mess with Texas.

A little old redneck was walking across the Cooper River bridge in Charleston SC when he spotted a man perched at the highest point of the span walkway, obviously contemplating suicide.

The redneck approached carefully and said, “Mister, there ain’t no need fer y’all to go & do something like that!”

“I have nothing left to live for.”

“Well, cain’t you live fer the sake of your wife?”

“My wife divorced me.”

“Cain’t you live fer the sake of your kids?”

“My children left with my ex and I never hear from them.”

“Well, cain’t you live fer the sake of your country?”

“I lost my job, I have no money, and I’m too old to enlist.”

The redneck was now desperate for ways to dissuade the man from suicide, so he stood back, removed his cap and placed it over his heart, and said with deep feeling,

“Well now, you can at least live for the sake of the memory of General Robert E. Lee!”

“Who’s Robert E. Lee?”

“JUMP, YOU NO GOOD YANKEE S.O.B.!!!”

;^)


92 posted on 11/10/2011 4:25:03 AM PST by elcid1970 ("Deport all Muslims. Nuke Mecca now. Death to Islam means freedom for all mankind.")
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 51 | View Replies]

To: boatbums
Why did the blonde get fired from the "M&M" factory?

She kept throwing the "W's" away.

93 posted on 11/10/2011 4:29:30 AM PST by ex91B10 (We've tried the Soap Box,the Ballot Box and the Jury Box; one box left.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 42 | View Replies]

To: 21twelve
Kids say the darndest things


94 posted on 11/10/2011 4:40:02 AM PST by ex91B10 (We've tried the Soap Box,the Ballot Box and the Jury Box; one box left.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 72 | View Replies]

To: elcid1970

To quote Larry the Cable Guy.....

“It’s better to burp and taste it than to fart and waste it.”

AND.....(not from Larry)

A cowboy, an Indian, and a Muslim were riding a train across the great plains. The cowboy seemed to be sleeping with his hat pulled down over his face. The Indian and the Muslim were talking.

The Indian said, “We once ruled this land as far as the eye can see. Once we were many, now we are few.”

The Muslim replied, “Now we are few, but soon we will be many. And WE will rule this land.”

The cowboy tipped his hat back and said, “Yeah, but we ain’t played cowboys and Muslims yet!”


95 posted on 11/10/2011 4:40:52 AM PST by fredhead (I'm not sleeping, I'm checking my eyelids for cracks.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 92 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them clutches his chest and keels over.

His partner grabs his cell phone, finds a place a few yards away where he has a signal, and dials 911.

"911. What is your emergency?"

The guy is panicked and starts babbling into the phone, "I'm out hunting off Old Mill Road when my friend keeled over with a heart attack. I think he's dead!"

The 911 operator tries to calm the man down. "Take it easy, sir. We need to calm down and work out the situation. First, check your friend and make sure he is really dead."

The operator hears the guy set the phone down, then the crunch of leaves as he walks to his friend. Suddenly he hears a gunshot and the sound of the man returning to the phone.

"OK. Now what?"

96 posted on 11/10/2011 4:43:30 AM PST by SoJoCo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: freedumb2003

Ah, yes, the day I was born. It was a partly cloudy day with light winds out of the west. WWhen we got home, I could tell the neighbor had just mowed his lawn but hadn’t swept the sidewalk, which I could tell didn’t sit well with my mom. As we got home, my dad turned on the television just as Cronkite was signing off.

However, what I can’t remember is ever having a second date with any women.

:)


97 posted on 11/10/2011 4:43:55 AM PST by GreenAccord (Bacon Akbar)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: BenKenobi

Blond walks in to see her boss. There is a Thermos bottle on his desk. “What’s that?”, she asks.

“That’s a Thermos bottle. It keeeps hot things hot and cold things cold.”

Next day, she has a Thermos bottle too. The boss asks, “What’s in it”.

She proudly says, “Hot tea and a popsicle”


98 posted on 11/10/2011 4:44:40 AM PST by fteuph
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 50 | View Replies]

To: This Just In
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, “Hey, I haven’t seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!”

“What do you mean? I be fine.”

“What about that wooden leg? You didn’t have that before.”

“Well,” said the pirate, “we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit me leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I’m fine, really.”

“Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands.

”We were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and me hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook , and I feel great, really.”

“Oh,” said the bartender, “what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes.”

“One day when we were at sea some seagulls were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them seagulls crapped in me eye.”

“You’re kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn’t have lost an eye just from some bird poop!”

“Aye, but you see it was me first day with the hook.”

99 posted on 11/10/2011 4:49:58 AM PST by SoJoCo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: federal__reserve
A blonde is in a hotel in Las Vegas. She's thirsty so she walks to the soda vending machine. Each can of soda costs 50 cents.

The blonde puts in a dollar bill and presses the button for "Coke." Out pops a can of Coke and 50 cents change. A man approaches and kindly waits his turn to use the vending machine.

The blonde then puts another dollar bill into the slot and, slightly hesitating, presses the "Pepsi" button. Out pops a can of Pepsi and 50 cents change.

The blonde then rummages through her purse. She pulls out anouther dollar bill and slips it into the vending machine. The blonde pauses for several seconds before making a selection. The man behind her sighs aloud. Paying no attention to the man's impatience, the blonde selects "Mountain Dew." Out pops a can of Mountain Dew and 50 cents change.

The blonde then searches through her purse again and finally finds another dollar bill. She puts it into the vending machine, taking a while to decide which button to push. After a minute or so, the man behind her asks, "Ma'am, how much longer will you be at this machine"?

The blonde turned around and said, "Well...duh!...can't you see I'm winning."

100 posted on 11/10/2011 4:55:57 AM PST by SoJoCo
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 26 | View Replies]


Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
first previous 1-5051-100101-150151-155 next last

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson