Three guys arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time.
St. Peter says he only has one vacancy to fill his daily quota, and the guy with the best story of how he died will get in, so...
The first guy:
“I was feeling sick so I went home from work early, went to my apartment on the 40th floor and went to bed. But I got dizzy so I went out on the balcony for some fresh air, then I fell over the railing. I thought I was dead, but I managed to grab a balcony rail on one of the lower floors and I was hanging on thinking how lucky I was when a guy runs out and starts beating on my fingers with a hammer! I had to let go and knew I was dead. But then I hit the first floor awning and it broke my fall! I was hurting, but I was alive and thinking what a lucky guy I was when I looked up and saw this refrigerator coming down at me. I couldn’t move and it killed me.”
St. Peter was impressed, told him to stand to one side, and went to interview the second guy.
“At work I’d been hearing that my wife was cheating on me, so I left my job early and went home to confront her. But I live in a high rise apartment building, so I had to stop at the door and catch my breath before I could go in. When I opened the door, there was my wife, stark naked with a towel on her head. I screamed at her but she swore she’d just come out of the shower, so I started searching the apartment. I didn’t find anyone until I looked out on the balcony, and here’s this guy hanging on my railing! I grabbed a hammer and started pounding on his fingers so he let go. I figured I’d killed him but the lucky bastard hit the downstairs awning and I could see he was still alive on the sidewalk. I was so angry I went into the kitchen and rolled out the refrigerator, pushed it over the railing and watched it fall and crush the guy on the sidewalk. Then it came over me what I’d just done, knew my marriage was over, the police would come and I’d go to prison for murder, so I just jumped off the balcony and committed suicide.”
St. Peter said “Wow! That’s really quite a story. Stand over there while I get the third guy’s story.”
The third guy sighed and said: “Picture this: there I was, stark naked in a refrigerator...”
A long one, lyrics to the song “The Sick Note.”
Dear Sir I write this note to you to tell you of my plight
For at the time of writing I am not a pretty sight
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why Paddy’s not at work today.
Whilst working on the fourteenth floor,some bricks I had to clear
To throw them down from such a height was not a good idea
The foreman wasn’t very pleased, the bloody awkward sod
He said I had to cart them down the ladders in my hod.
Now clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured the rope below
But in my haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me.
And so when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket till to my dismay I found
That half way up I met the bloody barrel coming down.
Well the barrel broke my shoulder, as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top I banged the pulley with my head
I clung on tightly, numb with shock, from this almighty blow
And the barrel spilled out half the bricks, fourteen floors below.
Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrel to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
Still clinging tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
When half way down, I met the bloody barrel once again.
The force of this collision, half way up the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty state of shock
Still clinging tightly to the rope I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel scattered round.
I lay there groaning on the ground I thought I’d passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me, I hadn’t got a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope.
The barrel then being heavier then started down once more
And landed right across me as I lay upon the floor
It broke three ribs, and my left arm, and I can only say
That I hope you’ll understand why Paddy’s not at work today.
Listen to it here......