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To: This Just In

A few Rodney Dangerfield jokes:

My wife likes to talk during sex. The other night she calls me from a hotel...

I found our milkman’s wallet on my lawn the other morning. He’s got pictures of my kids in there!

My wife has cut our sex down to two times per month. I shouldn’t complain; she cut the other two guys out altogether.

I get no respect - no respect I tell ya! I called the gambling hotline. They gave me two-to-one odds I’d fail!

I called the suicide hotline. They tried to talk me into it!

Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him .... “Do you think we’ll ever find them?” He said. “I don’t know, kid ... there are so many places they can hide.”

When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could - But he pulled through.”

My girl phoned me the other day and said .... “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

My wife and I agreed to try and stop smoking. We made an agreement to only smoke after sex.
I’ve been on the same pack since 1983. Now my wife - she’s up to 3 packs a day.

I was set up on a blind date once. I was told her name was Louise.
So I go to the place, and I find her. I ask her “Are you Louise?”
She says, “Are you Rodney?”
I said, “Yeah.”
She says, “Then ‘I’m not Louise.”

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

My wife woke me up one night saying sexy things. I looked up, and she was on the phone!

I’ve got no sex life - the dog stays in my room so he can learn how to beg!
He learns from my wife how to roll over and play dead

I was an ugly kid. My old man bought a new wallet, and kept the picture of the kid that came with the wallet!

I went to the psychiatrist, and he says “You’re crazy” I tell him I want a second opinion. He says, “Okay, you’re ugly too!”

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?”
She said. “No. I hate myself right now.”

During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

I told my my wife our sex life was getting kind of boring. I wanted it to be exciting like it used to be.
She said “OK, Give me 50 bucks.”

My wife and I have Olympic sex!! Once every four years.

My wife said she wanted to have kinky sex. She tied me to the bed. I didn’t see her for three days.

I bought a used car. I found one of my wife’s dresses in the back seat.

49 posted on 11/10/2011 12:03:12 AM PST by Iron Munro (One Trillion seconds = 31,709 years. One Trillion dollars = 3 Months of Obama Spending)
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To: Iron Munro
Rodney Dangerfield discussing how his neighborhood is going down hill.
Sees a naked man running down his street, pulls his car over, asked the man why he was running down the street naked.
Man says "You came home early".
54 posted on 11/10/2011 12:20:04 AM PST by The Cajun (Palin, Free Republic, Mark Levin, Rush, Hannity......Nuff said.)
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To: Iron Munro

I asked my father can I go skating in the lake...he said wait till it gets warmer

61 posted on 11/10/2011 1:16:00 AM PST by stormhill
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To: Iron Munro

Man - he’s great. I laughed at every one of those! Classics.

I like the one where the girl from New York walks into a bar in Wyoming. She sits down next to an old guy with a beat-up comboy hat staring at his beer.

“Are you a REAL cowboy?”


Do you have a horse?

“Yes maam, but it’s back at the ranch. But yep, use him to herd cows, all that cowboy stuff. How about you - what are you?”

“I’m a lesbian!”

“A what?”

“You know - a lesbian. I don’t sleep with men - I sleep with girls. I love girls. I love the way they talk, the way they feel, the way they smell, their soft hair - pretty much everything about them! That’s why I’m a lesbian.”

“Heh - well I’ll be danged! That’s somethin’!”

A little while later this Asian guy comes in taking photos of everything and wants the guy to stand up so he can take a picture of a real cowboy.

“Sorry pal - I thought I was a cowboy - but I just found out I’m a lesbian!”

74 posted on 11/10/2011 2:33:11 AM PST by 21twelve ("We can go from boom to bust, from dreams to a bowl of dust....and another lost generation.")
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To: Iron Munro

Bumping and marking for Rodney Dangerfield!

86 posted on 11/10/2011 4:00:27 AM PST by Rummyfan (Iraq: it's not about Iraq anymore, it's about the USA!)
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To: Iron Munro

The bartender asked me what I wanted, and I said “Surprise me.” So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.

127 posted on 11/10/2011 9:28:57 AM PST by Cyber Liberty (Cain = National Sales Tax; Perry = Amnesty for Illegals; Romney = Obamacare forever. Who's left?)
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To: Iron Munro

No respct I tell ya no respect at all, I told my son, “just wait one day you’ll have kids of your own!” He says to me “sure pop, so will you!”

146 posted on 11/10/2011 11:10:06 PM PST by Impala64ssa
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