Skip to comments.Jedi light-sabre beats Taser in Oregon parking-lot fracas
Posted on 12/26/2011 7:17:55 PM PST by dayglored
Mumbo-Jumbo Mystic Impervious To Cops' Electric Blasters
For those of you who've ever wondered, like you do, whether the Jedi lightsabre or the Taser is the more effective weapon, we're delighted to report that the electric dispenser of justice is no match for Obi-Wan Kenobi's mighty glowing tool.
David A. Canterbury earlier this week went on the rampage at a Portland Toys R Us store, assaulting three customers with a plastic replica of the Jedi weapon.
Cue swift intervention by law enforcement operatives, who found 33-year-old Canterbury wandering in the parking lot, "talking incoherently", and still swinging his Star Wars stick of merchandise in a manner evidently threatening a severe disruption to the balance of The Force.
A shaken Sgt. Pete Simpson recounted that a first attempt to deploy a taser failed when the device malfunctioned. A second blast ended similarly when Canterbury simply used his lightsabre to snap one of the wires connecting him with the high-voltage law-enforcer.
In the end, cops were obliged to wrestle the perp to the ground as he "struggled violently and continued to shout nonsense". This latter observation confirms El Reg suspicions that Canterbury really is a disciple of the Church of Jedi.
(Excerpt) Read more at theregister.co.uk ...
Well, I guess we all knew the Star Wars kid would have to grow up eventually.
“Obi-wan’s mighty glowing tool.”
Huh! Huh! He said “tool” Beavis.
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"Tasers. So uncivilized."
May the Scwartz be with you!
By the look of your light saber, your Schwartz is as big as mine!
You might be a redneck Jedi if...
*You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
*Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
*You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
*At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
*You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
*You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
*You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
*The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
*Wookies are offended by your B.O.
*You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
*You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
*Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it’ll be a hoot.”
*You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
*You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
*Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
*You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as “them damn Yankees.”
*You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
*You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
*You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.
Incoherent? Pish-tosh...I’m sure it was one of the Great Galactic languages.
The Force is strong with this one.
I knew somebody would pick that up besides me. :)
HEY! I resemble that remark!
Totally brought a well needed smile to my face...thank you for sharing!
Is this what passes for law enforcement in England these days?
“...the Meth is what gives a lightsabre-wielding dork his power. It’s an energy field cooked up from every conceiveable thing, including lithium batteries. It surrounds them and penetrates then. It binds their imaginary galaxy together.”
You're very welcome... Merry Christmas! :)
He looks like a winner!
I miss seeing him on ‘The Office’.
Are you saying this guy is grown-up?
I'm inclined to suspect a case of arrested development.... or a meth-head.
"Dork! Use The Farce, Dork!!"
"It's twooo, it's twooo!!"
(Blazing Saddles ref)
I want to see him face off with the “I like turtles” zombie kid.
First there was Bob Dobbs and his Church of Slack (aka Church of the Subgenius).
Then came along the First Church of Shatnerology.
Welcome to the Most Holy-n- High Church of the Blinding Light of the Holy Glowing Form of the One Toupeed and Gloriously Bloated Shatner!
Now we have...
Church of the Jedi
It’s not just a Force, it’s a religion!
Jedi Census Phenomenon (Here’s a great way to screw with the US Census.)
The Jedi census phenomenon is a grassroots movement that was initiated in 2001 for residents of a number of English-speaking countries, urging them to record their religion as “Jedi” or “Jedi Knight” (after the quasi-religious order of Jedi Knights in the fictional Star Wars universe) on the national census.
During the drafting of the UK Racial and Religious Hatred Act, as a tool for debate, an amendment was proposed that excluded Jedi Knights from any protection. The amendment was subsequently withdrawn, the proposer having made his point that defining religious belief in legislation is difficult.
Has this guy ever met Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager?
*You know The Force is really Duct Tape, it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together...
They never say.
Well, I'm really glad justice prevailed.
A lawyer, eh? Well, that basically says he went from being ridiculed by nearly the entire population of Earth, to being reviled by the entire population of Earth.
I notice that the picture of him all dressed up nice is a still shot, not a video.
Because there are some things even YouTube just won't do...
I’ve met a few day shift managers like him, though....
“Let them hate, as long as they fear.”
“Oderint dum metuant”, eh, Caligula? Well said, though I believe the attribution is not without dispute.
“The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi, an elegant weapon of a more civilized age. In comparison, Tasers are crude, inaccurate and loud affairs”
I resemble some of those remarks. ;-)
Is this what passes for law enforcement in England these days?
Sgt. Pete Simpson is the PIO for the Portland Oregon Police Bureau. I highly doubt that much of anything would "shake" him. He is unflappable and professional in his duties.
Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
That reminded me of the 1989 John Ritter comedy Skin Deep.