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Jedi light-sabre beats Taser in Oregon parking-lot fracas
The Register (Brit Tech) ^ | 2011-12-16 | Lester Haines

Posted on 12/26/2011 7:17:55 PM PST by dayglored

Mumbo-Jumbo Mystic Impervious To Cops' Electric Blasters

For those of you who've ever wondered, like you do, whether the Jedi lightsabre or the Taser is the more effective weapon, we're delighted to report that the electric dispenser of justice is no match for Obi-Wan Kenobi's mighty glowing tool.

David A. Canterbury earlier this week went on the rampage at a Portland Toys R Us store, assaulting three customers with a plastic replica of the Jedi weapon.

Cue swift intervention by law enforcement operatives, who found 33-year-old Canterbury wandering in the parking lot, "talking incoherently", and still swinging his Star Wars stick of merchandise in a manner evidently threatening a severe disruption to the balance of The Force.

A shaken Sgt. Pete Simpson recounted that a first attempt to deploy a taser failed when the device malfunctioned. A second blast ended similarly when Canterbury simply used his lightsabre to snap one of the wires connecting him with the high-voltage law-enforcer.

In the end, cops were obliged to wrestle the perp to the ground as he "struggled violently and continued to shout nonsense". This latter observation confirms El Reg suspicions that Canterbury really is a disciple of the Church of Jedi.

...

(Excerpt) Read more at theregister.co.uk ...


TOPICS: Crime/Corruption; Culture/Society; News/Current Events; US: Oregon
KEYWORDS: jedi; lightsabre; napl; oregon; starwars; taser
The perp:


1 posted on 12/26/2011 7:18:01 PM PST by dayglored
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To: martin_fierro; Slings and Arrows
I know this is a few days old, but I can't believe it didn't make it into FR so far....

Ping-worthy?

2 posted on 12/26/2011 7:18:59 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: dayglored

Well, I guess we all knew the Star Wars kid would have to grow up eventually.


3 posted on 12/26/2011 7:23:14 PM PST by ThE_RiPpEr.
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To: dayglored; ThE_RiPpEr.

“Obi-wan’s mighty glowing tool.”

Huh! Huh! He said “tool” Beavis.


4 posted on 12/26/2011 7:25:41 PM PST by sinanju
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To: 21stCenturion; 75thOVI; Abathar; alarm rider; albee; Alice au Wonderland; Amityschild; ...
INDUSTRIAL STRENGTH
HUMOR

>> PING <<
No amateurs, please.
Send FReepmail if you want on/off ISHP list
The List of Ping Lists

"Tasers. So uncivilized."

5 posted on 12/26/2011 7:26:03 PM PST by martin_fierro (< |:)~)
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To: dayglored

May the Scwartz be with you!

By the look of your light saber, your Schwartz is as big as mine!


6 posted on 12/26/2011 7:27:36 PM PST by Nachum (The complete Obama list at www.nachumlist.com)
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To: ThE_RiPpEr.

Bookmark


7 posted on 12/26/2011 7:28:46 PM PST by Publius6961 (My world was lovely, until it was taken over by parasites.)
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To: ThE_RiPpEr.

8 posted on 12/26/2011 7:29:03 PM PST by Old Sarge (RIP FReeper Skyraider (1930-2011) - You Are Missed)
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To: dayglored

You might be a redneck Jedi if...

*You ever heard the phrase, “May the force be with y’all.”
*Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
*You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Boone’s Farm Strawberry Hill.
*At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored.
*You have bantha horns on the front of your land speeder.
*You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
*You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
You ever lost a hand during a light saber fight because you had to spit.
*The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
*Wookies are offended by your B.O.
*You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn’t have to wait for a commercial.
*You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
*Your father has ever said to you, “Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it’ll be a hoot.”
*You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
*You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your landspeeder.
*Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women.
*You have ever accidentally referred to Darth Vader’s evil empire as “them damn Yankees.”
*You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
*You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with red wood deck.
*You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels on the rocks during the cantina scene.


9 posted on 12/26/2011 7:30:45 PM PST by central_va ( I won't be reconstructed and I do not give a damn.)
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To: dayglored

Incoherent? Pish-tosh...I’m sure it was one of the Great Galactic languages.


10 posted on 12/26/2011 7:30:56 PM PST by TrueKnightGalahad
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To: dayglored

The Force is strong with this one.


11 posted on 12/26/2011 7:33:09 PM PST by BenKenobi (You know, you really need to break free of that Catholic mindset.- metmom)
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To: sinanju

I knew somebody would pick that up besides me. :)


12 posted on 12/26/2011 7:33:14 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: central_va
> You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

HEY! I resemble that remark!

13 posted on 12/26/2011 7:34:35 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: dayglored

Totally brought a well needed smile to my face...thank you for sharing!


14 posted on 12/26/2011 7:35:50 PM PST by zimfam007 (Courage is not simply one of the virtues, but the form of every virtue at the testing point.)
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To: dayglored
A shaken Sgt. Pete Simpson...

Is this what passes for law enforcement in England these days?

-PJ

15 posted on 12/26/2011 7:36:33 PM PST by Political Junkie Too (If you can vote for President, then your children can run for President.)
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To: AdmSmith; AnonymousConservative; Berosus; bigheadfred; Bockscar; ColdOne; Convert from ECUSA; ...

“...the Meth is what gives a lightsabre-wielding dork his power. It’s an energy field cooked up from every conceiveable thing, including lithium batteries. It surrounds them and penetrates then. It binds their imaginary galaxy together.”


16 posted on 12/26/2011 7:37:45 PM PST by SunkenCiv (Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! May 2013 be even Happier!)
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To: dayglored
no match for Obi-Wan Kenobi's mighty glowing tool


17 posted on 12/26/2011 7:38:54 PM PST by Future Snake Eater (Don't stop. Keep moving!)
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To: zimfam007
> Totally brought a well needed smile to my face...thank you for sharing!

You're very welcome... Merry Christmas! :)

18 posted on 12/26/2011 7:44:19 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: dayglored

He looks like a winner!


19 posted on 12/26/2011 7:45:48 PM PST by POWERSBOOTHEFAN (Straight and proud.)
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To: Future Snake Eater

I miss seeing him on ‘The Office’.


20 posted on 12/26/2011 7:47:10 PM PST by POWERSBOOTHEFAN (Straight and proud.)
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To: ThE_RiPpEr.
> Well, I guess we all knew the Star Wars kid would have to grow up eventually.

Are you saying this guy is grown-up?

I'm inclined to suspect a case of arrested development.... or a meth-head.

21 posted on 12/26/2011 7:48:44 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: SunkenCiv
> “...the Meth is what gives a lightsabre-wielding dork his power. It’s an energy field cooked up from every conceiveable thing, including lithium batteries. It surrounds them and penetrates then. It binds their imaginary galaxy together.”

"Dork! Use The Farce, Dork!!"

22 posted on 12/26/2011 7:50:52 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: BenKenobi
> The Force is strong with this one.

"It's twooo, it's twooo!!"

(Blazing Saddles ref)

23 posted on 12/26/2011 7:55:26 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: dayglored; MeekOneGOP; Conspiracy Guy; DocRock; King Prout; Darksheare; OSHA; martin_fierro; ...


24 posted on 12/26/2011 8:09:32 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: ThE_RiPpEr.

I want to see him face off with the “I like turtles” zombie kid.


25 posted on 12/26/2011 8:13:19 PM PST by Larry Lucido
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To: Old Sarge; ThE_RiPpEr.
The incident warped his mind - he became a lawyer.
26 posted on 12/26/2011 8:14:45 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: dayglored

First there was Bob Dobbs and his Church of Slack (aka Church of the Subgenius).
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Church_of_the_SubGenius

Then came along the First Church of Shatnerology.
Welcome to the Most Holy-n- High Church of the Blinding Light of the Holy Glowing™ Form of the One Toupeed and Gloriously Bloated Shatner!
http://www.shatnerology.com/

Now we have...
Church of the Jedi
http://www.jedichurch.org/
It’s not just a Force, it’s a religion!

Jedi Census Phenomenon (Here’s a great way to screw with the US Census.)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jedi_census_phenomenon
The Jedi census phenomenon is a grassroots movement that was initiated in 2001 for residents of a number of English-speaking countries, urging them to record their religion as “Jedi” or “Jedi Knight” (after the quasi-religious order of Jedi Knights in the fictional Star Wars universe) on the national census.

Jediism
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jediism
During the drafting of the UK Racial and Religious Hatred Act, as a tool for debate, an amendment was proposed that excluded Jedi Knights from any protection. The amendment was subsequently withdrawn, the proposer having made his point that defining religious belief in legislation is difficult.


27 posted on 12/26/2011 8:15:52 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine (It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!)
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To: dayglored

Has this guy ever met Chad Vader - Day Shift Manager?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4wGR4-SeuJ0


28 posted on 12/26/2011 8:18:00 PM PST by Jack Hydrazine (It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine!)
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To: central_va

*You know The Force is really Duct Tape, it has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together...


29 posted on 12/26/2011 8:20:35 PM PST by null and void (Day 1069 of America's ObamaVacation from reality [Heroes aren't made, Frank, they're cornered...])
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To: Slings and Arrows
But do they have tall glasses of ice cold milk for dunking?

They never say.

30 posted on 12/26/2011 8:27:35 PM PST by Harmless Teddy Bear (*Philosophy lesson 117-22b: Anyone who demands to be respected is undeserving of it.*)
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To: dayglored
evidently threatening a severe disruption to the balance of The Force.

Well, I'm really glad justice prevailed.

31 posted on 12/26/2011 8:42:46 PM PST by John123 (US$ - I owe you nothing. Euro - Who owes you nothing.)
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To: Slings and Arrows
> The incident warped his mind - he became a lawyer.

A lawyer, eh? Well, that basically says he went from being ridiculed by nearly the entire population of Earth, to being reviled by the entire population of Earth.

I notice that the picture of him all dressed up nice is a still shot, not a video.

Because there are some things even YouTube just won't do...

32 posted on 12/26/2011 8:48:51 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: Jack Hydrazine

I’ve met a few day shift managers like him, though....


33 posted on 12/26/2011 8:55:42 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: dayglored

“Let them hate, as long as they fear.”


34 posted on 12/26/2011 9:13:25 PM PST by Slings and Arrows (You can't have Ingsoc without an Emmanuel Goldstein.)
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To: Slings and Arrows

“Oderint dum metuant”, eh, Caligula? Well said, though I believe the attribution is not without dispute.


35 posted on 12/26/2011 9:28:14 PM PST by dayglored (Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!)
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To: dayglored

“The lightsaber is the weapon of a Jedi, an elegant weapon of a more civilized age. In comparison, Tasers are crude, inaccurate and loud affairs”


36 posted on 12/26/2011 10:01:08 PM PST by Oztrich Boy (Whatever happened to that Amy Summerland sailing chick?)
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To: central_va

I resemble some of those remarks. ;-)


37 posted on 12/27/2011 6:23:55 AM PST by Stonewall Jackson (Democrats: "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.")
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To: Political Junkie Too; dolander2002
A shaken Sgt. Pete Simpson...

Is this what passes for law enforcement in England these days?

Sgt. Pete Simpson is the PIO for the Portland Oregon Police Bureau. I highly doubt that much of anything would "shake" him. He is unflappable and professional in his duties.

38 posted on 12/27/2011 6:34:45 AM PST by Inspectorette
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To: martin_fierro

Hokey religions and ancient weapons are no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.


39 posted on 12/27/2011 4:34:39 PM PST by Delta 21 (Make your choice ! There are NO civilians.)
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To: sinanju

That reminded me of the 1989 John Ritter comedy Skin Deep.


40 posted on 12/27/2011 4:56:36 PM PST by xp38
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