Posted on 09/02/2012 6:17:39 AM PDT by Loyalist
Catherine Hakim is a controversialist. She says prostitutes are role models, most women don’t want to work in career jobs and feminists are an elitist minority whose battles are irrelevant to all but a small group. In her latest book The New Rules: Internet Dating, Playfairs and Erotic Power, she argues in favour of adultery.
In what is probably the first academic guide to what she calls “good infidelity,” Hakim, a social scientist at the Centre for Policy Studies, says a love affair “requires some skill and savoire faire. A successful affair while married is one that makes both parties happier than they would otherwise be, but has no negative consequences for the two families and does not of itself prompt any divorces.”
Hakim analyzed the confessions of people who had had affairs via online chat rooms. She concludes that, thanks to the Internet, Britons are becoming more continental in their attitudes about adultery.
Past surveys have suggested about 80 per cent of Britons disapprove of affairs, Hakim says. By contrast, only two in five Italians regard affairs as unacceptable, while a quarter of Spaniards “do not regard sexual fidelity as fundamentally important.”
Now, however, according to Hakim, “the unforgiving Puritan Anglo-Saxon response to affairs ... with all the misery and trauma that entails,” is changing, as the Internet enables women to enjoy what she calls harmless “playfairs” — beneficial “holidays” from a marriage.
The New Rules, to be published next month, is, like several of Hakim’s works, likely to provoke fierce debate on publication.
Last year, in her book Honey Money: The Power of Erotic Capital, she argued that attractive people had an advantage in life that could be measured in terms of greater earning power.
Harness your erotic potential, she suggested, and you could not only land a partner but get ahead at work and in society as a whole.
Now she suggests that women should capitalize on their scarcity value in infidelity chat rooms, where willing females are a commodity in short supply. While men pay, it costs nothing for women to sign up to such sites. Extramarital affairs go wrong for women, Hakim says, only when they are really looking for love.
“I have always been baffled by the sour and rigid English view of affairs,” she writes.
Conversations with people who use social networks to cheat — none of whom, for obvious reasons, is willing to be named — suggest that Hakim is on to something. No-strings fun is what made one divorced man switch from normal dating sites to encounters of the more illicit kind. “John” works in marketing and described infidelity websites as: “Perfect for me. No strings. No hassle. I’ve given up on dating websites. I couldn’t stand the pressure. The women are all frightening, they’re box-ticking nutcases who make you feel like you are being interviewed for the job of husband.”
Women on infidelity websites, John says, are different. “These are frustrated, bored women who want to live life like Sex and the City, go for drinks, have fun, romance and lots of sex.”
Elena, 37, joined a website five years ago “because I was married to a wonderful man, living a picture-perfect bucolic life and was desperately unhappy. I joined the site because I wanted to gauge what I had, get scared of losing it and fall back in love with my husband.”
Things did not go to plan, and shortly after joining: “I met a man and fell deeply, madly and desperately in love. Within a month I filed for divorce and launched into an insanely passionate, life-changing affair. We are still together.”
That’s how infidelity websites are used, according to Sophie, who says extramarital affairs that are set up online are common among her set. “They are used literally, as a test bed. Doing it online, if a woman discovers the grass is not actually greener, she is protected from being found out and having her life shattered.”
Emma emails answers from her iPad while “hubby” watches television: “I would recommend this to anyone but I’m not sure many women are brave enough emotionally and you need to be to have a double life. I regret none of it. My marriage has survived because of my lovers. I would never leave my husband.”
As she sees it: “An affair is fun, frolics, dinner, cocktails, expensive hotels and passionate sex. It is not real life.”
The Times, London
© Copyright (c) The Ottawa Citizen
What these immature slatterns call frustration and boredom is what adults would otherwise call real life and responsibility.
Marriage isn't all fun and excitement, but who should expect anything in life to be?
Then life can just be a non-stop party. The only problem is that the party does stop eventually, and then where are you? And where is society?
I've been married to the same wonderful beautiful women for 32 years...I would never consider breaking her heart be being unfaithful...to break such a trust is unfathomable...
I've been married to the same wonderful beautiful women for 32 years...I would never consider breaking her heart by being unfaithful...to break such a trust is unfathomable...
If it is not wrong, than why tell the hubby and see if he feels the same. I bet if she got caught she'd claim it was a big mistake and have plenty of regrets. Immature little sleaze bag.
Oh yeah, what could possibly go wrong? /s
Donchya just love the liberal “moral code”
It isn’t just that they refuse to grow up and be decent people.
No.
They have to find stupid ways to make it sound good.
Is that good enough?
No.
Then they find ways to tell all the grown ups they are the ones with the problem
If morality means nothing ...
If a stable home in which to raise children means nothing ...
Then life can just be a non-stop party. The only problem is that the party does stop eventually, and then where are you? And where is society?
I imagine that that attitude is just one more reason why Europe’s Birthrate is cratering. Play and party today, tomorrow can take care of itself.
Just like the fable of the Grasshopper and the ant. Only this time they are not preparing for the winter of their lives.
Proverbs 5
Until the unhappy guy who's not into sharing finds out and shoots them both. THEN it's real life. Until you bleed out.
A few years ago where I live, a Canada goose's mate was killed. The male would just walk up and down the street looking for her. He would hang out with other geese, but he still kept looking, some days just standing in one place waiting, other days wandering. I wonder if Hakim could understand this.
Hey, if you don't believe in an almighty, eternal creator...then let it all hang out.
But, when you draw your last breath on this planet, you better hope your standing right behind Jeffery Dohmer or Richard Rimerez.....might make you look....naw, doubtful. lol
Happy women have sex with one partner who cares for her and takes responsibility with her in raising children and grandchildren.
The promiscuous are always off on one sexcapade after another in search of the ultimate which they never find.
Committed marriages enjoy much better sex as a partnership reward for their hard work together and a release of tension which the challenges of life inevitably thrust upon them.
The promiscuous will never enjoy this ultimately satisfying electricity because they shun the responsibility for the very deep commitment which results from meeting the challenges and responsibilities which being married means.
People who have been married a long time know exactly what I am talking about. People who seek that type of deeply satisfying sex will never get it unless they experience it by shunning promiscuity in favor of a committed relationship.
LOL!
This is a parody? Absurdist performance-art?
"Continental", I presume, being a reference to mainland Europe.
How many tens of millions did other "continental attitudes" kill in the last century?
I don't see aspiring to "continental attitudes" as a good thing.
Without regard to immorality, infidelity in my marriage is unforgivable. I told my wife of many years that as long as we were married, I’d never cheat on her. I didn’t, she did, we divorced. My choice, your mileage may vary.
Funny she should mention Spain and Italy.
To the best of my recollection, both countries also have birth-rates of roughly one child per woman.
Which means that with each succeeding generation, the number of Spaniards and Italians will decrease by one half.
Most people would probably view that as a bad thing. Except for those who want to turn it into "Eurabia".
On the first Feminian Sandstones we were promised the Fuller Life
(Which started by loving our neighbour and ended by loving his wife)
Till our women had no more children and the men lost reason and faith,
And the Gods of the Copybook Headings said: "The Wages of Sin is Death."
Written from the vantage point of 1919.
When you find out your wife of many years has committed adultery, it hurts. A lot.
And it takes a long time to get over it. Even if you’re a Christian and you’re supposed to forgive. SIGH.
These women complain about their lives lacking romance and sex, yet nearly every married guy I know complains about a lack of sex. Like literally every married guy I know well enough to talk about that sort of thing, save one (he’s a lucky man). Some have given an ultimatum, and it helps for the short term. Some bury themselves in work and activities with their kids. Some cheat, and even more are right on the brink of it. Generally, they have been rejected so many times that they have quit trying with their wives. Then an article like this comes out, or yet another sitcom portraying the frustrated, great looking wife whose husband won’t pay attention to her??? Yay, Feminism!!! /s
Nothing like a nice stable swinging relationship./s/
Who did you have sex with last night dear?
I dunno I didn’t get his name but he was built like a horse.
Nice Breakfast conversation there.
“Catherine Hakim is a controversialist. She says prostitutes are role models”
You’re in. You’re officially invited to speak at the DNC convention.
It is interesting in our day that sodomy is called homosexual, adultery is called affair, the drunkard is a respected alcoholic, and the murderer is temporarily insane. We should go back to using the orginal words. Moslem should remain Moslem.
Not real life, huh? Until her husband finds out. Then the party is over.
I don’t know of any husband that would look kindly on being cuckolded. I love my wife & kids, but if I ever found out she was cheating on me, the marriage would be over.
Perfect description. I'm right there with ya, brother!
Remember, Onan wasn't punished for rubbing one out, he was punished for disobeying God. He could have been told to water the garden and failing that, got the same punishment. He just happened to be told to have impregnate his sister-in-law and didn't.
I’ve been stunned over the years by the number of women who will cheat on their significant others at the drop of a hat. Many of them you would never suspect from how they look or act. My conclusion is that they are better at it than men.
Oddly enough, there may be some biological truth in there, though she misunderstands it.
To start with, men have the basic biological prerogative to spread their DNA around, resulting in offspring from several different women. Women, on the other hand, have the double basic biological prerogative to get the best male DNA donor, *and* a male who will be best at providing for her offspring. And when there are more than a minimum number of men, these are usually not the same two men.
But this is basic biology. Humans innovated socially enforced marriage, which gives a better outcome to children, women and men than does basic biology, even monogamous biology.
Marriage helps assure men that the children his wife has, have his DNA, for which he gives up on having multiple female partners. In exchange, the woman is given some assurance that her husband will not make children with other women, splitting his provision between them, however she accepts that neither his DNA nor his provision will be the best, just adequate.
And marriage definitely helps children, because a two parent family raises children oriented to success and prosperity; whereas a single parent child is raised to a survival orientation, a much harder life, which is why they have a 60% greater chance of becoming a criminal offender.
However, marriage has two problems outside of the family. The first of these is the dowry, that girl’s families do not select mates for their DNA and prosperity, but to enrich her family, not the couple and their children. This results in very bad couplings between elderly men and very young girls.
The other problem is that many people are neither designed to breed, nor, according to biology, should they. However, they still *want* to breed, and thus interfere with the married couple and their children.
Now all of this is background to explaining why biology itself has come up with means to distract the non-breeders, to prevent this interference. This includes a litany of tricks, possibly including homosexuality, prostitution, and sexual aggression in postmenopausal women.
But again, these are just basic biological tricks, and humans should come up with a better means for non-breeders to quit interfering with the breeders. This does not have to be oppressive, but it does have to be clear that while non-breeders are mostly still compelled to want sex, they should “keep it to themselves” and others like them, who also should not be breeding, or raising children for that matter.
“...best male DNA donor, *and* a male who will be best at providing for her offspring. And when there are more than a minimum number of men, these are usually not the same two men.”
Does that suggest that good DNA and success in providing for offspring are unrelated? It appears to be a contradiction. The best overall indicator for potential success in our culture is IQ, and there is most certainly a genetic component.
LIBERAL females are not worth it
avoid them like the plague
LLS
Onan being the son of Judah, from whose line would come our Messiah! (as in The Lion of the tribe of Judah!) No wonder God the Father was unhappy with Onan. Satan’s first opportunity to try to genetically mess up the line from whence Jesus would come!
All a person has to do is watch some of the daytime talk shows, where people have embraced the “do what you want to and be free” culture.
Then ask yourself: Are these people happy? Has their lifestyle made them happy?
Well...date American TV addicts at your own risk. :)
Well, she is actually right about these two things. The rest is just bomb throwing to get attention.
“A successful affair while married is one that makes both parties happier than they would otherwise be, but has no negative consequences for the two families”
That is one of the most pathetic, self-delusional things I’ve ever read.
If you are cheating on your spouse, you are lying to him. A marriage based on lies and distrust is a sham. Living with a lying, dishonest spouse is a pathetic shadow of what should be. If it survives, it’s because there is something wrong with both partners.
It isn’t just that they refuse to grow up and be decent people.
No.
They have to find stupid ways to make it sound good.
Is that good enough?
No.
Then they find ways to tell all the grown ups they are the ones with the problem
And even then, is that good enough?
No.
Then they have to burn down the world.
Is that finally good enough?
No.
They have to do it in the name of peace and love.
They are a plague on life itself.
You’ve probably got me beat because our anniversary is 12-20-80 but basically 32 years.
The love of my life manages things with “To Do Lists” so the kids are off to school, laundry is done, things are organized, vacuumed, dusted, shopped for, etc.
A year or two ago I suggested that she put me on the “morning list” so I’d have a nice wake up and a tension free day but NO! I have to be nice, buy her nice stuff and take her to the beach. Women. I even have to make my own coffee and toast. Ridiculous. ;-)
Yes they are.
Biology hasn’t kept up with technology. Biologically both men and women are still programmed for the physical world of hunting, gathering, enduring, ie self-sufficiency in the wild.
Women also have a biological drive to vary the genes of their offspring. It’s the perfect flip-side of the male drive to distribute seed. Several recent studies have confirmed this.
Things are a lot more complex than that, or else men with high IQs would have women crawling all over them. Different women have different biological responses and different opinions about what is sexually attractive in potential mates. And often the two are in conflict.
Instead, “superior DNA” is very subtle. In some cases, women take cues from other women as to who the most desirable males are. Some are totally oriented to the wealth of potential mates. Some physical attractiveness and physique.
Importantly, while it *almost* seems random, it is anything but random. Science knows there are patterns, but has a very hard time figuring them out.
This is a nonsense statement. A dowry is provided by the bride's family and a girl with a substantial dowry would have her pick of spouses, not be married off to an old man. Depending on the culture, the dowry may indeed go to the couple and be the bride's personal property and not enrich the groom's family.
It is cultures where brides must be purchased that young girls end up with old men. This is frequently seen in polygynous societies because older, wealthier men with multiple wives create a scarcity of women in the marriage market and drive up the average cost of a bride.
They cheapen themselves by calling prostitutes “role models” then wonder why they rank with Rodney Dangerfield in the respect areana - go figure.
One of the most vicious examples of dowry today is in India, with the practice of bride burning. Because women sold by dowry become members of her husband’s family, and there is a strong prejudice against remarriage for women, but not men, as soon as the groom’s family gets the dowry, one of them pours gasoline on the bride and sets her on fire.
Then their son can get remarried, and get another dowry.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bride_burning
I think moneyed whites cheat much less today than in my youth
Many reasons
Money
Divorce favors women in their class
Men are more submissive
Folks who marry are motivated to marry
It all contributes to less cheating amongst married whites
Poor people do not marry as much now as my youth
I agree completely with her remark on fembots
It's also a great way to meet psychopathic serial killers. Wooo! the thrill of rolling the dice!
I am sick to death of a culture that lies to people and constantly denigrates character and self discipline. Everything has a simple shortcut that requires no self-restraint: pills that replace exercise and controlling diet; giving in to destructive impulses that destroy relationships and lives; killing the unborn out of convenience, and smug, convoluted thinking that indulges the dark side of human nature.
The evil that permeates today’s elitist thinking makes the best and most compelling argument for the existence of satan, which has led me on a personal journey from agnosticism to a deep, abiding faith in God.
My own observations lead me to the conclusion that the desired “superior DNA” is a combination of looks/physical traits and intelligence. Cultural influences as to what constitutes “desirable” are significant, but 7s marry 7s and 3s marry 3s, for the most part, be it in looks or smarts.
All of that has little to do with the long term. Compatibility is also needed for long term success, and that is where I think culture has an even bigger influence. Women are conditioned to think that they are entitled to it all, regardless of their own worthiness. “it all” doesn’t exist in the real world. Western women have been poisoned by feminism. Every signal given by popular culture is that the husband/father is a buffoon, while the wife is a snarky/clever (but far superior) hen. The meme is that your balding, pasty, wimpy husband isn’t worthy of you; and it doesn’t matter if you are an overweight, nagging bag of neuroses, it’s all on him. It’s pure poison, eagerly consumed on a daily basis.
The bright side is that Helen Gurley Brown died last month.
If the Indian government got as serious about punishing bride burning as the British government had about Sati, it wouldn't be a problem.
"This burning of widows is your custom; prepare the funeral pile. But my nation has also a custom. When men burn women alive we hang them, and confiscate all their property. -- General Charles Napier
Her definition of a “successful affair while married” is 100% fiction - one with no negative consequences. That is freaking impossible.
She’s just blown her own ship out of the water.
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