Skip to comments.US music student, 21, wins stalking order against pushy PARENTS who monitored her every move ...
Posted on 12/28/2012 7:44:29 AM PST by Uncle Chip
A music theater student has won a stalking order against her parents who admitted they installed monitoring software on her computer and phone to ensure that she succeeded.
David and Julie Ireland have been ordered to have no contact with their 21-year-old daughter - their only child - before September 23, 2013 and must keep 500 feet away from her at all times.
The unusual case concerns Aubrey Ireland, a musical theater major who regularly fills lead roles at Cincinnati's prestigious College-Conservatory of Music and has made the Dean's List every quarter.
Despite this success, her parents often drove 600 miles from their home in Leawood, Kansas, to visit her unannounced and to accuse her of promiscuity, of using drugs and of having mental issues.
They even informed her head of department that she had mental problems and that they were considering going to court to force her to get treatment, the Cincinnati Enquirer reported.
When she cut off all contact, they stopped paying her tuition and demanded she return the $66,000 they had spent. The judge refused and the college gave her a full scholarship for her final year.
(Excerpt) Read more at dailymail.co.uk ...
Her parents are probably correct. Wait......and see.
” they stopped paying her tuition and demanded she return the $66,000 they had spent”
There is the first problem. Don’t pay her tuition. Kids just don’t get it, if you parent is gullible enough to pay your tuition (especially to a $$$ private school) then they own you, it is an investment and they expect a return, that being success.
I bet this drama started long before college by parents who showered little princess with attention and every material thing she wanted. Now princess wants to grow up but still have mummy and daddy pay the bills.
Hope when she slips completely off the ledge no one (but her) gets hurt.
there is some debate on an earlier thread on if her “civil union” is with a guy or a girl.
She looks too pretty to be one of those. but it is possible.
I have no idea if there’s something wrong with her, but her parents are clearly nutbags.
Isn’t this thread posted already, and brimming with raging nutbaggery?
Having known insane parents of normal children, I won’t be quick to side with the parents on this. And paying tuition or not, any parent that computer bugs a 21 year old deserves to be disowned, mocked and shunned.
When 18 year olds fight and die in war daily (and history shows responsibility at far earlier ages), no one will ever tell me that a 21 year old needs to be spied on for their own good and have me believe it.
They should have cut her off at 18, of course
Hope when she slips completely off the ledge no one (but her) gets hurt.
Without success, she will just become another 0bamabot.
Finally some sense on the thread. She’s an adult, and the parents were out of line. Adults are entitled to make their own mistakes, but parents aren’t entitled to wiretap their adult children in order to prevent that.
Apparently she had full ride offers her parents passed on. They WANTED the control of paying her tuition . “Comply or we cut you off”
That is total crap. Otherwise, in any normal situation, I have no issue with a parent cutting off a kid at 18. But then they also relinquish the right to bitch about happens later.
I have a hard time picturing any ‘normal’ historical parent prior to doctor Spock thinking they have the right to control the life of an adult child.
When parents can pay for their child’s education, ideally, it’s a gift of love to ensure their child has the best start possible in adulthood, especially given college expenses are so staggeringly high. Unfortunately, some parents believe it’s some license instead to control and abuse their children well into adulthood. Having had similarly crazy parents, I guarantee these two would have continued making their daughter’s life a living Hades until they died or put her in an early grave. Such parents believe their child “owes” them for the rest of their lives - there is no love behind any generosity they extend. It’s all a dangling carrot or a leash.
Perfect summation. Perfect.
Out of control, controlling parents.
Paying the college expenses doesn’t entitle ANYONE to completely dictate and spy on the student’s life.
Demanding the $66,00 back is just plain stupid.
The child of such parents would have been better leaving at 18 and making her own way ,especially if she is that good academically and in her chosen field.
There are quite a few parents who try to have success and fame through their children and the most obsessed parents attempt to deny ANY independent actions or thought.
Or the parents may just have consuming,genuine-to-them fear the child will do something,anything, not “right” in the eyes of the parents.
Such parents can ruin a child’s chances for success and maturity,or at least severely delay those things.
I KNOW,from personal experience.
” there is no love behind any generosity they extend.”
My ex is like that with our sons. When confronted at various times with her abuses the standard defense is “after all I’ve done for you”.
Could the parents in this case be excessive? Maybe and maybe not. Who better to know their daughter’s “normal” behavior vs one they are now defining as a mental illness. If the parents were such helicopter/controlling people.. why did they agree to let her go away to college (some 600 miles away?).
Reminds me somewhat of a close friend that I have that is dealing with her sophomore aged college daughter. The first year was great... honor roll, etc.. However, this year is diving fast. Poor grades, too much partying and has not lived up to the agreements with her folks (that is, stay on tract with the nursing degree she chose and get a part time job to help with the rent/tuition/car insurance. My friend called me and asked what I thought she should do: I said that there was a verbal contract between the parents and daughter prior to her going away to school. That contract has not been lived up to by the daughter. Thus, bring her home and now before they get the phone call of her in an accident, pregnant, etc.. If they want, enroll her in a community college and have her live at home. My friend’s fear? That she won’t come back ever and cut herself off from the family. So, I think this is a power position by the kid... do it my way or you’ll lose a child. I said: let them live on their own and see what life is really about. Sometimes reality is a far better teacher.
They were within their rights to cut off her funding if she doesn’t live up to their standards, but they are not within their rights to harass her and threaten her like they did.
These aren’t helicopter parents. They’re DRONE PARENTS!
Good for the judge. At 21, it’s harrassment clearly, including the money, used to attempt to control her. Parents do owe their children an education, and it’s generally a sacrifice for most parents. Excelling at university on the parents dime is frosting on the cake. Any moral issues belong, by now, with the daughter. Their job is over.
Did I miss something in this story?
Could be very true. Her parents get accused of controlling her life but Lanza's parents got blamed for not controlling his life more. Which is it? Make up your mind. Can't have it both ways. Just like Lanza's parents, these parents were going through the legal process of getting her treatment. Both these kids lashed out.
I know smart good kids who go off to college and totally spin out of control. Failing grades, loss of scholarships, can't be bothered to show up for class, in bed which whatever wanders by, drugs, spending like there's no tomorrow and lying to their parents about everything under the sun. If mom asks what they did the day before they go crazy accusing mom of spying on them. If dad asks how their grades are they go crazy accusing dad of spying on them. Excuse me, but it's the parents who have sacrificed to put them in college and give them a good future. The parents deserve their money back if she's pulling this bs. Not another dime to her and don't expect Christmas or birthday presents and don't show up on their doorstep acting as if nothing has happened begging her parents to pay her rent. I don't see her buying herself a new computer and phone that doesn't have "stalking" software on them. If she's really an adult who doesn't need her parents then get her own cell phone account instead of being on daddy's account. It's not exactly easy to drive 12 hours or more to stalk her like she's claiming. If/when she crashes and burns, so be it, but when she does the parents will be blamed.
I gather it was her who took this to the media. 'Nuff said.
At 17, or 18, you may be very correct about parental “standards”, but parents do owe their children gainful employment apart from the home,moral standards, if they can afford it at all. At 21, parents butt out of manipulating an adult child with their heavy handed threats and demands, stalking, especially with a student who fulfilled the expectations of academic excellence with mom’s money. Their haunting intrusion must have been a load to carry and still succeed under duress. (Unless the story is a crock, and I missed it.)
Years ago my mother told me when I started to have children......remember your children are only loaned to you for 18 years, Too many kids and parents today think they own their kids. As long as mom and dad pay the bills, its OK with the kids, they don’t need to grow up...
I think your advice is good. They are giving her the choice to return home to somewhat of a safety net to regroup/redirect, or to try to make it on her own and face the consequences. I agree with you. They should cut off the out of town college expenses now (do you know whether they decided yet for January semester? - just curious).
If she does come home, they need to sit down and put in writing, what they all agree to do... with the onus to be on the daughter to make progress/achievement checkpoints.
“I gather it was her who took this to the media..”
I wondered that myself. A young woman in theater and now her name/picture/acting clips are out there. Perhaps she has learned that any publicity is good publicity? With this case.. time will tell. If she makes it on her own then so be it. If she crashes and truly does have the beginning symptoms of a mental disorder then that will surface in time as well. I do hope she realizes though that she will go through the world without her parents. Sad...
Well, given that she is scoring these lead roles in musical productions, I don’t think she is necessarily the falling-apart type of student you described.
My first thought is that once you take the money (from the parents), then you give up your right to privacy (no different than when I’m at my job). So, if you want the privacy (at any age), then get scholarships and/or a job and stop asking mom/dad for bucks.
I say the above because I know way too many parents that pay for their kids’ college, but then are shut out of the lives of those same kids. If the parents are cool with that, fine - lots of people have $100k laying around to waste, and more power to them if they can be so loose with it. But most parents that I know don’t have that kind of extra money and would like to know what their kids are doing at college. I always tell them to set the terms: If you want money from me for college, then give me your Facebook (real account), E-Mail, and other passwords, along with access to your apartment, via a key. If you instead want your privacy, then you are free to finance your adult life yourself and I will treat you with the same respect that I treat the personal lives of my friends and coworkers.
But this goes further. First, unless the parents laid out terms and conditions from the outset, and she agreed to them (which isn’t stated either way), then any money they gave in the past is gone - they have no claim on it. Asking for it back, to me, is simply illegal. Next, once she was financially free of the parents, they are no longer her parents, but a pair of adults stalking a young lady - they simply have no claim to her and the school should have them arrested, even without the restraining order.
They should send her a letter stating
Thanks for the restraining order.
We wanted to send you a copy of our will but you aren’t in it!”
Lindsay Lohan, Robert Downey Jr., Amanda Bynes, Corey Haim, Corey Feldman, the kids on Diff’rent Strokes, Jodie Sweetin, Britney Spears, Danny Bonaduce, Mackenzie Phillips, Michael Jackson....
“I wondered that myself. A young woman in theater and now her name/picture/acting clips are out there. Perhaps she has learned that any publicity is good publicity? With this case.. time will tell. “
Well she is trying to play an absolute psycho, Evita, and looking at the pictures, she’s doing a very good at it.
They have decided to let her go back and re-evaluate in the Spring. This issue really has caused quite a disrupt with the parents. Initially, the Dad suggested she come home and Mom said, “She isn’t doing anything that everybody else isn’t doing”. Then Mom wanted her home and Dad pushed to let her pull herself up for one more semester. What is somewhat unusual is this girl has always been bright, respectful, well behaved and wouldn’t go to a University that offered a partial scholarship because it was a known “party school”. I guess the child that initially leaves isn’t necessarily how the child will remain. I agree that they need to put it down in writing. That way, “I don’t remember that part” isn’t a factor, is it?
Just my two cents worth but I feel that parents that pay the tuition or other items have a “say” in what is expected. Don’t get arrested, don’t get on “academic probation”, do as well as you can grade wise and get a part time job to help with costs isn’t a huge list to ask for. Perhaps I hold this belief because I worked close to full time to help with costs and knew that my widowed Mother was busting her butt as a nurse to pay the tuition. With two younger brothers needing items, I knew my tuition was a family sacrifice. Thus, I tried to earn this “gift” with good behavior, grades and worked as much as humanely possible to pay for gas, car insurance, car tires/oil, my own clothes, food, etc.. I didn’t see my four years in college as expected... I saw it as an investment in my future and financially... it was a risk to my Mother and younger siblings.
The parents should look on the bright side:
They are saving $22,000+ for her final year in school, AND if she does suffer any negative consequences from the negative behaviour that they are alleging, then they are now off the hook per this judge’s order.
After watching a movie on ted Bundy the other night I can see the parents side on this.
“They have decided”...
Are you familiar with these people?
Really. It doesn’t sound like they’re in a position to “let” her do anything whatsoever, and that they may maneuver themselves into the slammer if they insist on the knuckledragger psycho routine.
They seem to need a couple years cooling off period.
“They have decided”.. was the rest of the story to another freeper. A completely different case but has some similarities. With respect to the couple in the article, I think they have probably lost any sort of relationship with their daughter. Perhaps in a couple of years, the daughter may want to re-establish a relationship but it will be in her court. (no pun intended). Sad case really. A couple loses their only child and a daughter loses her parents.
post #19 explains the current friend case with NEMDF.
I had a little of that with my son, his first year in college (although he had always done very well in school, worked part time jobs, was in sports) was a struggle for him to settle down and apply himself. But he was smart enough to recognize that, and enlisted in the USMC, did his four years and two Iraq deployments, came home and got married, decent full-time job, bought a house, got a dog, had a baby, then graduated college in 2011, a couple promotions. So maybe she will get her act together.
When my daughter was in college, struggled with some of the classes, and at one point suggested that she might take another year to finish. I told her it would cost her a full year’s salary that she would not yet be earning, plus a full year’s cost of college expenses on student loans (because I had committed a certain dollar amount to her college costs, however long it took). When put in that context, she got herself to an advisor and had a plan in place a few days later to retake a class at community college, get some hours in summer school, and graduated in four years (BRN).
“Kids just dont get it, if you parent is gullible enough to pay your tuition (especially to a $$$ private school) then they own you, it is an investment and they expect a return, that being success.”
When my son went to college, I paid his tuition with the following understanding: I hired him to go to school. If he underperformed (failed) then I would fire him.
He did and I did.
He then went to work in a customer service industry and soon found out it is harder to work for a living than to go to school. He then put in his own time and dime to finish his Associates degree—proving to me and his mother he was dedicated to completing his degree. He then asked to be re-hired to finish his degree. I re-hired him.
I re-hired him under the previous conditions and he did very well.
He graduated and is happy and on his way in the world. . .and this parent (and wife unit) do not own him or expect anything from him. . other than he be responsible and a good citizen. . .and an occasional Mother’s Day card.
It certainly is free exposure. Notice how the pictures of her are the high quality, head shot types, too. Who knows? I guess this is one of those cases where time will tell. My grandmother had a saying, “I pity those with no children and I pity those with only one”. She loved kids (had five but one died before age 2). Her point was that an only child has both parents complete focus on them. All their eggs in one basket type case. If something happens to the child (and in her generation it was more likely death) then the parents were left with nothing. I hated that saying when I was young.. didn’t understand it. However, over my years, I have seen some family/friend cases where the only child “goes bad”, dies or simply removes themselves from the parents life. Very sad.
I guess kids are all on different timelines. Some take a bit more time to hit full adulthood than others. You did a great job with your two, NEMDF! I really appreciate what you told your daughter. You didn’t sugar coat the financial reality... this stuff isn’t free. Obviously a smart girl to seek out an advisor and make a sure fire plan and it worked. Good for her!
That is basically what I meant. They are an employee and are expected to produce. They can be fired outside of basic necessities.
I am teaching my 15 yoa daughter that now, she doesn’t like it when the gravy train dries up like cell service is cutback to a minimum (like 300 texts a month vs unlimited), allowing her to participate in extra-curricular activities that cost money, and the occasional perk like iTunes cards and some $$ to go shopping on a weekend dry up when grades/behavior fall below my documented expectations.
Use to happen all the time in the really really old days
Your father would control the family until he died as the patriarch in the Roman Empire.
Some of the deeds and wills from the Plymouth area share some of that.
Wait. This girl gets a full scholarship and is a top student and struggles to free herself from a psychotic tyranny imposed by her parents and Freepers are rooting for the parents!? This must be the same sort of insightfulness that won us the Presidential election.
Sad yes in the overall picture, I agree.
But parents, and a bunch of posters on this thread (not saying you) Are missing a couple important points.
A parent does not ‘own’ an adult child, regardless of any work contract/agreements or whatnot. By all accounts she was/is a top student and headed in a good direction in her chosen career. Parents can make whatever demands they want outside that. All day long. But they have ZERO ‘Right’ to dictate squat to an adult.
Now second, If a parent ‘feels’ they have the ‘right’ to treat a 21 yo like a 5 yo at her first slumber party, I believe that adult child id better off without having insane parents in their life. Perhaps forever if needed.
Because next it will be a nonstop pry into choosing a husband, dictating terms of their marriage, dictating terms of raising children, dictating what school THOSE CHILDREN go to.....
It will never end.
And all the people here siding with the parents should get to know an adult child who suffered through that absolute hell before opining the kid is the problem.
Perhaps in some cases they are. Perhaps this one is too. But I maintain that no ‘parent’ owns the life or any aspect thereof, of an adult child, period.
And in cases where a split happens because a parent refuses to accept their boundaries as a parent and as another human being,, it is the fault of Mommie and Daddy Dearest regardless of how much they spend on college.
What I find interesting with this case is indeed the perception and that involves (usually) life experience. I am sure there are parents out there that try to control to the point that it is smothering. I am also sure there are “adult” children.. willing to take the tuition, room and boarding, spending money and feel they don’t have any sort of obligation towards behavior. As I stated before, if the young woman does indeed have a mental disorder that the parents claim... then that will come to light. If she is mentally healthy, ambitious and just trying to start a life away from being told constantly what to do... then that will also come to life.
A split isn’t always on the parents. It is if it involves boundaries but sorry... I’ve known two couples that their one child no longer contacts them. One is because his wife doesn’t like “family” and the other one is because the daughter got into drugs/crime/bad company. Both set of parents have tried and tried and tried to no avail. I guess parenting is tricky... it isn’t always happy tidings.
The school has to hire guards to keep these nuts from disrupting theatricals, and you blame the girl?
No kidding. She’s made the Dean’s list EVERY semester, and the school has to hire guards to keep the nutso parents from disrupting theatricals and the majority around here roots for the nutcases. I’m disgusted.