Skip to comments.I Just Wanted to Include the Word "Obama" in this Superbowl Headline
Posted on 02/04/2013 5:39:56 AM PST by Kaslin
(Editors Note: Barack Obama will not make an appearance in this column.)
Now that the Superbowl is over, its not too late to begin thinking about next year.
So, pursuant with the terms of my plea bargain agreement and by order of the court, Number 81® hereby submits this apology to you, to the patrons of Dannys All Night Café and to the fine ladies of the Buddys Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn (home of the $12.99 T-bone-lap-dance combo).
While the words have been crafted on the advice of Number 81®s attorney, the sincerity is 110 percent mine.
I hope you can tell a posteriori.
As former San Francisco 49ers Coach Mike Singletary once noted: Accountability is a huge word.
He was right, ipso facto.
He was promptly fired.
This concerned me. It was a development I had not reckoned on at the professional level.
So, I sat down and tried to reason it out: I counted at least nine letters in the word accountability before I got tired. Accountability really is a huge word.
I saw a whole bunch of letters remaining so I asked my accountant to look into it. He told me for sure that if accountability was a beer youd have at least a couple of six packs, or something like that. We were both drunk at the time.
Speaking of six packs: when I legally changed my name to Number 81® as a part of the four-figure marketing deal I signed with Buddys Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn (home of the $12.99 T-bone-lap-dance combo), I agreed to insert the words Try Buddys new package service on Route 81 near the airport at least every 300 words, whether written or verbal. Please note that the preceding sentence brings me into compliance with that agreement.
Where was I? Oh yes an apology.
Number 81®, without admitting to any individual guilt for the purposes of staying in compliance with the personal conduct requirements of my league, hereby, expressly and without reservation, apologizes to you, to my teammates, to the patrons of Dannys All Night Café and to the fine ladies of Buddys Airport Lounge and Go-Go Barn, except of course Alexia, Boots and Starry who still owe me money from last month.
Ladies, please call me, because I do take trade. Just dont call me on the house phone; or on the cell phone. Call me on the other cell phone.
Number 81® was unaware that the combination of steroids, LSD and cough syrup could interact in such a way as to produce intense feelings of inadequacy strong enough to compel me to set fire to 13 private booths and three dinning booths.
I figured, tops, I might set fire to two, combined.
Number 81® apologizes for this miscalculation.
I apologize especially to Mildred and Eugene Garsucker, patrons at Dannys All Night Café.
You were both right: I should have let you out of the booth first, before I set fire to it.
I know what youre thinking.
Youre thinking: I can understand, Number 81®, that as an athlete you want to find a chemical advantage if its going to result in millions of dollars in bonus money. I mean who wouldnt take therapeutic doses of LSD as long as it was prescribed by bona fide PhD that goes by the name RealityX13?
But taking steroids? How could you?
First, Lance Armstrong and now Number 81®?
Number 81® just hopes that when I graduate next year from Texas high school football and move over to college footballs Texas Longhorns this incident wont affect my partying career.
I hope too that this incident wont affect my scholarship to the Cincinnati Bengals Pacman Jones football camp next April.
Alexia, Boots and Starry are celebrity instructors.
Your Loving Wide Receiver,
Number 81®, non obstante verdicto
Progressive Hate of the Day!