Skip to comments.The Doctor, and your Guns
Posted on 03/25/2013 6:57:04 AM PDT by marktwain
Seen your Dr. lately? My doctor did NOT ask me these questions at my annual physical today, but many will ... live a great day ...
A Medical Appointment ......
I visited a physician last week. It was a new doctor in the practice -- a young lady (at MY age, EVERYBODY is "young" -- when I was born, the Dead Sea wasn't even sick) who was quite enthusiastic. I was thinking of hitting on her, but I don't like the phrase, "You remind me of my grandfather."
She asked me what was wrong, and I replied, "I have a cut on my leg; and I think it may be getting infected."
She said, "Before we start, I have to ask you a few questions. Are you allergic to any medications?"
I replied, "No."
She said, "Do you have any guns in the house?"
I said, "HUH?"
She replied, "Guns. Do you have any guns in the house?"
I asked, "Why?"
She said, "I've got to ask this question. It is required under the Affordable Care Act."
I asked, "What are you going to do with the data?"
She said, "We compile it, amalgamate it, and submit it to the government."
I said, "Well, I have a Tommy Gun. I let my kid Tommy play with it."
She said, "What's a Tommy Gun? I don't think that is the kind of gun they are concerned with."
With THAT, I knew I had a live one. I said, "It's similar to a B.A.R., but a little heavier and shorter. I have a B.A.R. also."
She said, "A B.A.R.?"
I said, "Yes."
She looked puzzled. Then she brightened up and asked, "Do you have any assault rifles?"
I attempted to look puzzled, and said, "I don't know. What is an assault rifle?"
She said, "That's a gun that is used in wars."
I said, "As a matter of fact, I do. I have a replica of a Revolutionary War musket."
She began to look a bit exasperated. I pretended not to notice and kept up the appearance of trying to be helpful.
She said, "Do you have anything more modern than that?"
I replied, "Well, yes I do. I have a replica muzzle loader from the Civil War. Do you know the difference between a musket and a muzzle loader?"
She rather peevishly said, "No, I don't; and I don't want to. What else do you have?"
I said, "I have an M-1."
She asked, "What's that?"
I said, "A rifle."
She asked, "What kind?"
I replied, "It is called a Garand."
She rather loudly said, "I don't care if it is a grand rifle or not. Is it an assault rifle?"
To which I replied, "I don't know. I don't know what an assault rifle is. You say it's a rifle used in war, yet you say that my musket and muzzle loader are not assault rifles."
She calmed down (a bit) and asked, "Anything else?"
I said, "I have an MG-.30, and an MG-.50. I'm also part owner of an Apache. But they are not rifles."
She stated, "Well, then, I'm not interested in them. Anything else."
I replied, "Well, yes. I also have a 12-gauge and a 20-gauge pump. They are not rifled though."
She said, "I'm not interested in pumps; I'm interested in guns."
I replied, "Well, then, I have a Colt, a Luger, a Glock, a bazooka, a Parabellum, a Kalishnikov, a Henry, a Uzi, a Llama, and a Beretta -- but they are not rifles."
She then said, "I've had enough of this. I think you're toying with me. Let me see your leg."
I then said, "Excuse me, but before you look at my leg, I have a few questions to ask of you."
She replied, "Of course. What are they?"
I said, "I have given you a lot of information about my guns. I am somewhat concerned about your knowledge and ability to assimilate, make coherent sense of that information, and report it correctly. Do you know the difference between a .22 caliber and a .223 caliber? It's a rather fundamental difference."
She replied, "Actually, I don't."
I said, "I see. Let me ask some more relevant questions. "How much money do you make?"
She said, "That's personal, why do you ask?"
I said, "Well, in pushing the Health Care Act, my president cautioned the population about doctors who would amputate a leg rather than treat a cut because they make more money that way. Consequently, I wish to know if you are financially troubled. What kind of car do you drive? What are your house payments? How much is your mortgage? How much credit card debt do you have? Do you have a student loan; if so, how much?"
She said, "I'm not going to answer those questions. You have no right to ask them."
I then asked, "Do you have training and education in homeopathic techniques? Do you know the benefits/effects of CoQ10, ginseng, fish oil, Creatine, BCAA, and other such herbal treatments?" Do you know the difference between Panax ginseng, American ginseng, and Siberian ginseng?"
She replied, "Well, no."
I then asked, "Well, have you studied it at all?"
She replied rather defensively, "NO; it's all a bunch of hogwash anyway."
I said, "Oh, then you have read the research on it. What have you read?"
She then said, "I don't waste my time reading such things. Why are you asking me these questions?"
I said, "Well, if I'm going to turn my body over to you for treatment, I believe it is reasonable for me to know something about your motivation, training, experience, and competence. Do you know anything about the practice of holistic medicine?"
She said, rather angrily "No, I don't."
I said, "Oh. O.K. How much experience do you have in practicing medicine?"
She replied, "Well, not very much."
To which I said, "Well, we all have to start somewhere. What medical school did you go to; what is its rank in terms of other medical schools; where did you intern; and where did you do your residency? What is the rank of the hospital where you did your internship and residency?"
She rather peevishly said, "All my credentials are posted in the waiting room."
To which I said, "Really? The rank of your medical school is posted in the waiting room? Do you have any experience with leg injuries? If so, how much?"
I guess that was too much for her. She rather crossly said, "I think it would be best if you saw a different doctor," and started to leave the room.
I said, "You know, doctor. You asked me irrelevant questions about my guns, and I answered them. Whether or not I own guns is really none of your business and has absolutely nothing to do with any treatment you might prescribe. On the other hand, I ask you questions quite relevant to my situation, and you refuse to answer them. Isn't that somewhat backwards?"
She said, "But I HAVE to ask those questions. It's the law."
To which I replied, "Actually, it is NOT the law. Here is what the law says -- taken directly from the Affordable Care Act:"
(1) WELLNESS AND PREVENTION PROGRAMS. A wellness and health promotion activity implemented under subsection (a)(1)(D) may not require the disclosure or collection of any information relating to
(A) the presence or storage of a lawfully-possessed firearm or ammunition in the residence or on the property of an individual; or (B) the lawful use, possession, or storage of a firearm or ammunition by an individual.
(2) LIMITATION ON DATA COLLECTION. None of the authorities provided to the Secretary under the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act or an amendment made by that Act shall be construed to authorize or may be used for the collection of any information relating to
(A) the lawful ownership or possession of a firearm or ammunition; (B) the lawful use of a firearm or ammunition; or (C) the lawful storage of a firearm or ammunition.
"You may verify this at: "http://wizbangblog.com/2013/01/10/obamacare-amendment-does-not-forbid-gun-and-ammo-registration/
"As you can see, you have broken federal law TWICE -- once by asking, and once by collecting data. It is perfectly legal for me to own guns; it is not legal for you to ask and/or collect such data. YOU are breaking the law, and yet YOU are the one who is angry. Not only that, but you erroneously stated that you must ask such questions, and you did it in a very authoritative and convincing manner. You gave me false information, which I then acted upon by answering your questions. On that basis, how can I be expected to trust your medical judgment? When I attempted to ascertain your medical competency, you became defensive and hostile."
"There is really no need for me to see another doctor in this practice. I'll go somewhere else, where my privacy is respected, and I can trust the information I receive."
Remember that info next time you a medical appointment and the doctor or nurse asks you those questions.
These days, you do. Rush always says that good satire requires an element of truth. Yours contains the entire Periodic Table.
Do I really have to say that this is satire?
Yes, because it is so close to the truth. On the other hand you did a MASTERFUL job of writing it. Thank you.
How about this... If they ask you if you have a gun, tell them you do but you go to a urologist for problems with that.
Funny and sad at the same time. What has become of our great country?
There comes a time when skills must be developed to become a competent liar. This time has come when enemies, both foreign and domestic will use our confessions to destroy our freedom. Just say no.
“Out with the old doctors. In with the new.” - Stalin
“Just say no.”
Exactly what they want. Doc marks down a no answer. They cross reference registered guns. You lied, therefore you are a criminal, swat team raid, felon. No guns.
I wonder if its unlawful to lie to your doctor about that I would then type lol because its crazy stupid but I’m totally serious
As a LIVE, LIVING MAN, I reserve all unalienable rights without prejudice
my doc is a gun guy...we have plans of hitting the range this spring.
he is thinking of early retirement thanks to the new laws.
I have another take on it:
The year is 2035 and ObamaCare has been the law of the land for 20 years.
The character in the story has a cut on his leg. He calls the hospital for an appointment; a computerized voice replies that "The..next...available...time...is...Thursday...the...28th". The character is a bit concerned as it's Friday the 22nd, but no matter, he takes what he's given. Others have had it worse.
He limps into the hospital the next Thursday. No one greets him. There's a "ticket dispenser" and a sign on the wall tracks the numbers. "Now Serving #41". As the character's number is #87, he thinks "Not too bad, I'll get out of here today." He sits in an uncomfortable waiting room chair, and peruses (ironically) an old, dogeared copy of "American Rifleman".
#87 eventually comes and the character shows himself to a spartan, marginally clean, treatment area. The Practitioner (no docs, those are only for "political" cases) doesn't ask him any questions, because he doesn't speak English. The character points at the cut on his leg (now turning some interesting colors, and exuding a foul smell). Practitioner gives him a tube of unlabeled ointment, and a handful of bandaids (a couple of which had previously been opened, but clumsily resealed). The character hoped that those hadn't been used already, and mentally made a note to save them for last.
As the character exited the hospital and gingerly walked to the bus stop for a two hour ride back to his apartment, he smiled. All that treatment, and he hadn't needed to pay a penny for it. Truly, Obamacare worked.
The last time I saw my doctor he was at a new office, so I had to fill out all of the forms again. These gun questions, and other inappropriate things, were on the form. I wrote “MYOB” on every one.
When someone inquires about my guns my response is “I’d tell you, but that would spoil the surprise.”
I responded to my guy: “Yes, I have one right here in my purse. Do you want to see it?”
He got laughing. Sort of a nervous laughter though.
This country is doomed.
We are outnumbered.
Does a 4473 create a registered firearm? Not if there is no requirement to report its subsequent sale or transfer.
If the Feds are going to go after every citizen who ever signed a 4473, then insurrection is on the way.
This piece was satire, but what if the patient’s responses were recorded? SWAT raid? Under which law? One citizen in NJ said thus far and no further to several geared up armed cops. They went away cursing & threatening, but they went away. No warrant, the rule of law still applies.
On this topic I’m guessing that the extent of intrusive questioning has as much to do with the state board of medical examiners as it does with Obamacare. Liberal state, more questions.
Stolen valor act was deemed unconstitutional, basically saying that it is okay to lie.
I’ve seen about 90% of that in military health care clinics already. Now coming to the rest of the country thanks to ObamaDoesn’tCare!
Masterpiece of writing! It deserves submission to some online mags. Seriously good job...
My Grandfather had full access to the VA, and everything that they had to offer. From what little I know, it's considered comparatively decent in North Carolina (where he lived) given the large military presence there.
Grandpa used his local hospitals and docs instead. 'Nuff said, AFAIC.
Good luck and Godspeed to you.
For later ping!
“Exactly what they want. Doc marks down a no answer. They cross reference registered guns. You lied, therefore you are a criminal, swat team raid, felon. No guns.”
Any answer other than “NO” is a pretty obvious “yes”.
Its certainly not against the law to lie to a doctor, and if they already have you in their gun database, they really dont need to ask the question.
My pre-physical interverer asked me if I wore a helmet when riding my bicycle and if I wore seat belts.
I politely told her it was none of their business.
I have told my physician that I do a lot of shooting and would like my blood lead level checked.
“This country is doomed. We are outnumbered.”
But not outgunned.
“ObamaDoesn’tCare” Funny; that’s what my aunt and I called it last night. She had just gotten out of the hospital with pneumonia; said the ambulance trip to the hospital had cost her $1000 and she’s gonna have to pay it.
So you sold them a couple of years ago since the market was hot.
The feds have to get a kick out of the “Go to hell” and “Mind your own damn business” type of answers.
That puts the patient in Category 3, which is psychotic gun owner, the worst category.
By the way, Cat 1 is someone that simply says “no”, Cat 2 is someone who says “yes”, but they’re safely stored away with trigger locks.
The people who produced the movie “Idiocracy” would be offended that you used their material without attribution...:)
(only kidding...just to be sure!)
It’s short for ObamaDoesn’tCareAboutYou (or me).
"...I'm sorry sir...we cannot schedule that appointment for you in April 2013 to have that melanoma removed because you have not undergone your mandatory annual counseling after age 65...oh, of course you are right. I know you are only 62, but they did move the age down again this year...we have an opening in three months with the counselors office...would you like that?"
This is fully expected, but It will not be the people you will be FORCED to talk to in order to receive your care, nor the intentional delays in care that will be the most insidiously evil facets of this. It will be the conversations like this one below that will become commonplace that ONLY BEGIN to illustrate what it is all about:
"...Hi Jan, how are you? I heard your father is resisting counseling. It must be difficult, I know. There just seems to be so much of that lately. I know I am only 40 years old, but I don't understand why people like your father are so opposed to this.
I went with my mother to her counseling session, and while she was angry because she was supposed to have another five years before she had to go but they moved the age down again, she went anyway. I thought she was really rude to the counseling agent, who was just a young woman only doing her job. Hm.
Someone told me they are only hiring young women as counselors now, because the men who were doing it just got angry too easily and shouted at people to just "sign the damned papers". Hm. I tried to tell my mom why they have to do this, but she said they do it just to get rid of old people to save money.
The counseling agent gave my mom a copy of the book "Death is Joy". I read it, and it makes a lot of sense to me. Of course, when I was going to school, we didn't have to read it, but now they have required classes they take every year beginning in first grade.
Suzie is in third grade and is taking the course this year that deals with the chapter on keeping birth rates down, and Tommy is in his senior year where they cover the financial aspects of care for the elderly. He was so excited, he said that since they have implemented this national care program, the number of elderly people has dropped dramatically, so they can spend more money on programs such as monthly equality checks for the economically disadvantaged and reparations for the descendants of slaves. I think it is wonderful.
He asked me why so many elderly people are so selfish and refuse to accept counseling...I didn't really have an answer for him. Hm. Now, don't be defensive, I am not criticizing your parents.
I am just saying, it is a problem.
They had an hour-long program on PBS about this the other night, and they were saying how the people who are being selfish about this and refusing to take advantage of early exit programs that pay cash to their children are being so self-centered because they grew up in a time where everyone was self-centered and were interested only in money. You know, they showed films from the days of the capitalists where there were people who had what they called 'gas-guzzlers", and they used to make so much more money than they needed to live comfortably, so many people were going without health care because they were taking all the money..."
Then, just wait until they pass legislation for a "Death Benefit" that will be paid to the families of elderly people. That will be the icing on the cake. It will be presented as a compassionate gesture to help the families with their grief, and will put at ease those people slated for "end of life" counseling. I can see the conversation on this as well:
COUNSELOR: Thank you for coming in today, sir. Now, let's see...you have high blood pressure, rheumatoid arthritis but more importantly, positive genetic tags for vascular/heart disease, Alzheimer's, matricular degeneration and three types of cancer, prostate, esophageal and colon. Prostate and colon are very high. We see one of these two expressing itself in the next three years.
COUNSELOR: Yes. This is all very scientifically based, and the results are incontrovertible. There is no mistake.
ME: Ahhh...could I speak to a doctor about this?
COUNSELOR: I am afraid not, sir. The rules are physicians are for direct care only, and nothing else. Federal Statue HCR23.1771-b mandates that I communicate this information to you, and inform you of the various options.
ME: But you don't know anything about medicine! You are a clerk, nothing more! How can I discuss this issue with you?
COUNSELOR: Sir, I have taken all the courses coming through High School, and attended the Life Counseling University courses offered by the government. I graduated in the top half of my class. I do understand the issues here.
COUNSELOR: Look, sir. You are getting old, and are soon going to be a burden on society. You don't have cancer right now, and can still think and get around, but for how long? You need to think about your children and their children. We offer a special financial compensation package that will help them bear the grief of your passing, to be paid out upon your death. With your approval, we emailed them an official forms packet before this meeting.
ME: I approved that?
COUNSELOR: Well, yes sir. The electronic copy is right here with you esignature (TURNS SCREEN TO FACE ME).
ME: I never signed that!
COUNSELOR: Sir, didn't you read the codocil that was automatically added at the bottom of your government supplied Will and Last Testament session that we finished up your first End of Life session you had with us last year? You did click the button that said "I approve all the changes" and you did use your voice authentication to say "I do approve".
ME: What! What is going on here? I...
COUNSELOR: Your two sons and your daughter who came in with you today have been in communication with our department on this. (Smiles) I think it is great that the government approves time-off pay for employees to attend these End of Life meetings for their parents. I'll call them in...
ME: Hey! I am not finished discus...
(DOOR OPENS, CHILDREN ENTER)
SON 1: Dad, I am so glad you signed up for the Early Exit Death Benefit. I was really behind on my tax payments for last year, and that will put me over the top...
SON 2: Yeah, dad. Billy is graduating from high school, and we want to send him to a quality college, but we could never afford it. But now we might...thanks to you.
Daughter: Oh, Daddy (tears in her eyes) I know none of us live forever, and I will miss you so much, but this money will allow me to pay th license fees to the government so I can open my dream business! Without you...
ME: HEY! WTF is going on here? I am not "ready to die", I feel pretty good, I could live for another twenty years! I didn't sign that damned thing, they just threw all this stuff in front of me! This is effing stupid! (TURNS TO COUNSELOR) Look, I don't know what kind of crap you set in motion, but undo it. I didn't sign up for this.
COUNSELOR: (PRIGGISH, TIGHT LIPPED LOOK ON HIS FACE) Sir...you have already been scheduled for next year, and your family has been paid that benefit in advance as the law allows. We cannot undo it. See the text that you signed (TURNS SCREEN) states explicitly that this if final and cannot be remanded...
ME: (SMASHES SREEN WITH HAND) LOOK! I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS IF YOU HAVE TO BURROW THROUGH THE WIRES BACK TO THE CENTRAL COMPUTER SYSTEM YOURSELF, USING YOUR SLIMEY PENCIL NECK AS A LEG TO DO IT SO YOU CAN UNDO THIS ROYAL F*CKUP ON YOUR PART...
COUNSELOR: (HAND CUPPED OVER SPEAKER, EYES ON ME, WHISPERING) We have a 22-22 in here...get in here right away...
DAUGHTER: (WAILS) How could you be so selfish?
SON 1: Great. I might as well go down to the Tax Police right now to get fitted for the volunteer industry uniform...
COUNSELOR: How am I going to tell Billy he can't go to the Barack Obama University? How?
DOOR OPENS, BURLY UNION GUYS IN BLACK COVERALLS RUN UP TO ME AND TASE ME. ALL GOES BLACK
I have no qualms lying to a tool of totalitarianism. Just say “no”.
You are right, people will simply end up lying about them having guns, and the doctors will end up being fooled. Plus many will simply just overlook this.
Thanks for the article, but I have read other wonderful books that were written as fictional works and as of late have been shown to be more fact than fiction. The exchange is entertaining yet sadly it might be the shape of things to come.
Hopefully Mike Judge (didn't he do Idiocracy? he did a great job with Office Space...) won't come after me for copyright infringement.....
While this is satire, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) most definitely wants doctors to ask questions about gun ownership, not for Obamacare reasons directly, but for “ethical” reasons, though that is an obvious oxymoron.
That is, the AAP says that pediatricians have an “ethical responsibility” to ask about guns, and refusal to answer could be grounds to refuse treatment.
Since it is a vile question unrelated to medical care, conversely, patients have NO “ethical responsibility” to respond to it truthfully. Instead, say that you used to have guns and ammo, but you lost it all in a fishing accident.
And there’s not a damned thing he can do about it.
The quotes from the Affordable Care Act are serious and true. Medical personnel shouldn’t be asking, and patients don’t need to answer.
Now, to cut through the BS here, favored constituents and politicians in both political parties during the years of the Clinton Administration required doctors to ask those questions along with questions about whether or not women patients are abused in any way by their husbands or boyfriends.
So, contrary to bipartisan exclamations in political speech, Hillary’s not so great and wouldn’t make a great president. Neither would any other woman who supports more funding for public schools while riding on Hillary’s politics.
Feminist, medical and police organizations comprise most of the support for gun control and against our Second Amendment. Truly “low-information” voters are voters who don’t want to know that, for example, and continue to support fascist social aberrations for the sake of their government incomes and incomes derived from government.
Watching it was good, and pretty funny, but as you go through everyday life...you pick up things and think to yourself: "Hm. Idiocracy..."
I have only seen it once, and am looking forward to watching it again with a different perspective.
Funny...it is only a dumb movie, but I can't count the small things I have seen since I watched it that made me think of it.
Well, I guess I'll just log off here and go put on the "Ow, My Balls!" channel then...
By the way, I don’t think I said how well done your posting is...I got off on a sidetrack, but going back and reading it, it was a very well done bit of satire.
Well, maybe not satire...
Glad you liked it...although, as several other Freepers have noted...the line between satire and reality gets thinner and thinner each day.
No wonder our blood pressure pops up when Freeping...it takes a lot of work to separate the wheat from the chaff, and we all get lazy now and then...