Posted on 03/19/2014 5:22:58 PM PDT by Kaslin
With so much uncertainty in the world, it's upsetting to see American politicians, backed by cheesy special interests, trying to start a war with Europe.
A cheese war.
And in the jingoistic climate of today's aggressive and expansionist cheese policy, I'm a cheese lover without a country. And some will call me a traitor.
When it comes to cheese, there are standards in this world -- of fairness, and of excellence. Such standards shall not be undermined, not for clan or for country.
So, America, you may exile me in the name of Camembert. You may revile me for manchego. But damn it, leave my feta alone.
What started it all was the reasonable European Union request that American cheese-makers stop filching European names for their various cheeses.
That set off an American cheese chorus that was angry, perhaps even xenophobic.
"Muenster is Muenster, no matter how you slice it," declared U.S. Sen. Charles Schumer, the New York Democrat.
I thought that once the neocons were discredited and out of power, America would stop bending other cultures to its will. But now I see Schumer is playing the same game as the Bushes of old.
Consider Parmesan. Most Americans think it comes pre-grated in a plastic container. That is not Parmesan. That is an abomination.
The EU wonders: How can Americans dare call it Parmesan when it doesn't even come from Parma, Italy?
Don't bring that fake pre-grated collection of salts and fats they call Parmesan-in-a-can to my house, not when my cousin Mariella, from Reggio di Calabria, has made her famous ravioli.
Something terrible might happen. You might be tempted to shake your domestic cheesy trash upon her ravioli.
And then Mariella just might lop your hand off.
Yes, it's a horrible thought. But the truth is, none of us would stop her. Why? Because fake Parmesan is an insult. Sure, your hand on the kitchen floor, the fingers twitching, might ruin our meal. But the meal would already be ruined, because of your Parmesan-in-a-can.
After the incident of the hand, we would share your grief, give you hugs of sympathy and even package your lopped hand in a shopping bag, as hospitality requires.
European cheese lovers are not savages, no matter what the Schumer-backed cheese-o-cons say.
The American approach to Greek feta is another insult.
That crumbly garbage in a plastic tub that some Americans put on their salads isn't feta. It's not even from sheep's milk.
And what about Greek yogurt? Yet another insult.
One of the popular brands of Greek yogurt is made by Turks. Now, I've been to Turkey. I loved the country, and I have friends who are Turkish.
But calling it Greek yogurt -- when it's not Greek -- is more than diplomatically unsound.
It is an assault on a NATO ally that fought against all odds, slowing the Nazi advance into Russia so the good guys could win the war.
It's Greek feta. It's Italian Parmesan.
If American cheese dealers want to use those names, I have a compromise. Put ISH next to the feta, in large capital letters, like this:
feta-ISH.
The same with that stuff in a plastic can -- Parmesan-ISH.
I'm not saying Americans don't make scrumptious cheese. There are many excellent cheeses from Wisconsin, for example, and New York.
Maytag Blue cheese from Iowa is a symphony on your tongue. It's an American symphony, and it goes great with wine, and sweet grapes after dinner, or on toast for breakfast.
But angry American cheese merchants brook no dissent, and that anger boiled over Thursday on my WLS-AM morning show.
Jaime Castaneda, senior vice president of trade policy with the U.S. Dairy Export Council, was our guest. I declared my cheese allegiance.
"Based on your premise, I think that perhaps you should go and give your name back to the English," Castaneda said. "You shouldn't be using 'John.'"
Really, I thought? I can't use my name because you're angry about the politics of cheese? Naturally, I took it to DEFCON 4.
"Why not go up into the mountain to our village and tell it to my cousins?" I said. "Then see if you can make it back down the mountain."
"You're in America, you're in America, right?" he asked. "Why are you using an English name?"
See how things escalate? It's a good thing we didn't have nukes.
"It is impossible to rename our cheeses," he said.
No, it's not impossible. Wisconsin cheeses with European names should be renamed after great Green Bay Packers of old.
And the finest of Wisconsin cheeses could be called "Vince."
One cheese America doesn't have to rename is Velveeta, the American standard, a block of yellow fats called "cheese food." It is so long-lasting that it just might end up in your granddaughter's asparagus casserole in 2032.
And Cheez Whiz, another American favorite, is a spread from a jar or squirted out of a can. You can't make a real Philly cheesesteak sanguich without Cheez Whiz. And if you don't like Philly steaks, you can't call yourself an American.
But that's the American way. And the Europeans have their own way.
We've spent many years meddling in other nations' affairs. It's high time for the Europeans to become the cheese police of the world.
I’ve been to Tillamook and I’m not surprised. In addition to the wonderful sharpness there’s a richness that just feels almost sinful. Quite a great cheese. BTW, there’s a chowder house a few miles north of Tillamook that’s served me about the best oyster stew I’ve ever had as well. I think I put on five pounds that day.
I perfected my home recipe for lasagna when I had steady access to really good cheese in Europe.
We GIs split wheels/rounds amongst our households to make it more affordable, and any time anyone traveled to various European countries, the informal orders were placed to bring something special back to share!
Kind of slightly black marketish, but it was not entirely technically illegal over there due, to the special diplomatic-ish immunity supply chain...
Try to get your hands on real USA Commodity cheese.
The taste and texture will spoil your tastebuds for real “American cheese”, but it was/is impossible to legally purchase at any grocery store.
Tillamook cheddar is pretty darn good stuff. I’m not sure the orange color is all natural (naturally orange cheddar is due to minerals in the grasses in particular locales) but the outfit belongs to the dairy farmers of Tillamook county and the west slope in Oregon is about the best dairy grazing land in the world (in my not so humble opinion). Tillamook usually (but not always) has a very fine texture and that really makes it for me. It was my “home cheese” for almost my whole life so it is also a comfort food. Here in NM we have to pay a premium for it.
I agree that parmesean in the can is awful stuff-bleh...
Sweet cheeses! The puns....
There used to be a lively black market in commodity cheese, and it is the quintessential American Cheese, imho. I haven't seen any around in over a decade.
I was unable to distinguish the one from the other.
I was also unable to find much similarity between the fine products of Smithfield, VA and the so-called "Virginian Ham" in Australia.
I suppose I could have been offended, like these cheesy eurotrash and their American imitators ...
Instead, I was amused ... and emailed pictures of the stuff back home, for the amusement of friends and family.
http://www.uvm.edu/~snrvtdc/publications/branding.pdf
Having tried Parmigiano-Reggiano, I can confidently say that powdery substance in the green canister is NOT parmesan.
Personally, I don’t give Edam.
I am astonished you did not know this.
And so Europe can stop calling their variations cheese because it is not.
That may or may not be true, but there are no dairy cows in Tillamook County. They moved them all to North Central Oregon (Boardman area) quite a few years ago.
LOL
Wrong of the day.
Boardman was a totally new & different operation.
Tillamook Cheese factory is second most visited tourist attarction in the state.
I did not say Tillamook didn’t still make products in Tillamook County. I just said their cows are in north central Oregon.
bkmk
That’s where I am saying you are wrong. Tillamook is full of cows. The Tillamook farms are all family owned. Tillamook Cheese is a farmer owned co-op. Check out their website.
Boardman was an add on. Most of the original cows for that operation came from California.
Clearly you've never tasted real cheese. To suggest that Stilton and Velveeta are the same thing is to demonstrate a complete ignorance of the subject. If you want to discuss it further find someone with patience for ignorance. That isn't me.
Europa was Phoenician.
And they can't call themselves Caucasian either as they are not living in the Caucas mountain range.
This is fun!
Poor little dears. I hope this doesn't cause them to have another tiny fisted tantrum.
And it was nothing like the bland stuff they try to pass off as cheese in Europe.
What they do at the factory dairies near Boardman is not grazing. I have seen them too (very much like the "dairy center" in which I presently reside in SE NM, cows in pens fed with grain & hay hauled to them in front end loader buckets). I don't know how many of them are part of the TCCA, if any at all. Most of the pop. 25,000 (cows) in the co-op are in the home county I am quite sure.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.