Skip to comments.A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to a Ham Sandwich
Posted on 03/28/2014 4:08:30 PM PDT by Kaslin
I was in the mood for a ham sandwich the other day so I walked around the corner to my neighborhood market to pick up some provisions.
I snagged a shopping cart with three workable wheels and maneuvered my way through the store humming along to a Muzak menagerie of Mr. Mister and Lionel Richie songs. I stopped for a brief moment in the produce aisle to admire a pair of hipsters as they harmonized to Say You, Say Me.
Anyway, after selecting a deli ham, I dropped by condiments aisle to get a jar of spicy mustard along with some bread & butter pickles.
I was about check out when I suddenly remembered that I needed some cheese.
So I made a beeline for the dairy aisle and thats when I made a startling discovery. I brought my three-wheeled shopping cart to a screeching halt. I came face to face with a massive sign bearing giant letters.
It read: HISPANIC CHEESE.
I stared at the display for quite some time. I found myself drifting into an imaginary conversation with a store clerk...
Do you need some help, sir?
Yes. Could you tell me where you keep the Caucasian cheese?
Im sorry, sir but we dont carry Caucasian cheese although, we do have a rather nice selection of white cheddars.
I was tempted to purchase some Hispanic cheese, but I feared retribution at the checkout counter. What if the clerk confronted me about trying to purchase a cheese that was contrary to my ethnicity?
Sir, Im afraid youve violated our tolerance and diversity regulations, I imagined the clerk saying. Its apparent that Hispanic cheese is nacho cheese.
So to be safe, I decided to purchase American cheese (which is allowed provided you have at least two forms of government identification).
I found the entire episode a bit disconcerting. When did they start segregating the dairy products?
Seeing how President Obama ushered the nation into a post-racial age, youd think grocery stores would be a bit more sensitive to that kind of thing.
Why single out the Hispanic cheeses?
What about the Italians or the French?
Whats next? Will grocery stores separate American cabbage from Bok Choy? Will Basmati rice be allowed to share shelf space with Uncle Bens?
Oh, how my taste buds weep for the less fortunate cheese among us.
I recall that delightful song from church days gone by. Jesus loves the little cheeses, all the cheeses of the world. Swiss and Cheddar, stinky, too. If He loved them, so should you. Jesus loves the little cheeses of the world.
I hold this truth to be self evident that all curds are created equal, that they are endowed by their cheese maker with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of a Ritz cracker.
I dream of a day when cheese is not judged by its country of origin but by the content of its butterfat be it Gouda or Velveeta.
Intolerance is bad for business no matter how you bag it. And in my estimation the only thing worse than intolerance is lactose intolerance.
DO they sell French dressing?
Or Chinese mustard?
Or Italian bread?
Markets around here have both the “Mexican” and “Asian” aisles.
Or Russian rye?
Mexican aisle for salsa. Asian aisle for noodles, soy sauce, oyster sauce and sesame seed oil.
Blessed are the cheesemakers.
Everyone knows a ham sandwich requires swiss cheese.
Amen, brother, amen! ;-)
The meek don’t want it..
How does one survive without Salsa Victoria, Soy and 5 Spice?
It would certainly be boring.
If you're extremely lucky, you'll find a pack with an embassy obtained Matrícula Consular card as documentation. Some stores in the U.S. won't recognize it as such tough.
Not to worry, you don't have to be a very big cheese to get one...
"Broken Wings" was one of them and I remember that song, here are some of the lyrics:
So take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free
And then a whole bunch of Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahs...
Not yeah-yeahs in a Beatles kind of way, but yeah-yeahs in a Reagan era kind of way.
I miss the 1980s.
Lactose intolerance? I think he’s milking the joke.
Step away from the squeeze cheese, lol
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