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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to a Ham Sandwich
Townhall.com ^ | March 28, 2014 | Todd Starnes

Posted on 03/28/2014 4:08:30 PM PDT by Kaslin

I was in the mood for a ham sandwich the other day so I walked around the corner to my neighborhood market to pick up some provisions.

I snagged a shopping cart with three workable wheels and maneuvered my way through the store humming along to a Muzak menagerie of Mr. Mister and Lionel Richie songs. I stopped for a brief moment in the produce aisle to admire a pair of hipsters as they harmonized to “Say You, Say Me.”

Anyway, after selecting a deli ham, I dropped by condiments aisle to get a jar of spicy mustard along with some bread & butter pickles.

I was about check out when I suddenly remembered that I needed some cheese.

So I made a beeline for the dairy aisle and that’s when I made a startling discovery. I brought my three-wheeled shopping cart to a screeching halt. I came face to face with a massive sign bearing giant letters.

It read: “HISPANIC CHEESE.”

I stared at the display for quite some time. I found myself drifting into an imaginary conversation with a store clerk...

“Do you need some help, sir?”

“Yes. Could you tell me where you keep the Caucasian cheese?”

“I’m sorry, sir but we don’t carry Caucasian cheese – although, we do have a rather nice selection of white cheddars.”

I was tempted to purchase some “Hispanic” cheese, but I feared retribution at the checkout counter. What if the clerk confronted me about trying to purchase a cheese that was contrary to my ethnicity?

“Sir, I’m afraid you’ve violated our tolerance and diversity regulations,” I imagined the clerk saying. “It’s apparent that Hispanic cheese is nacho cheese.”

So to be safe, I decided to purchase American cheese (which is allowed provided you have at least two forms of government identification).

I found the entire episode a bit disconcerting. When did they start segregating the dairy products?

Seeing how President Obama ushered the nation into a post-racial age, you’d think grocery stores would be a bit more sensitive to that kind of thing.

Why single out the Hispanic cheeses?

What about the Italians or the French?

What’s next? Will grocery stores separate American cabbage from Bok Choy? Will Basmati rice be allowed to share shelf space with Uncle Ben’s?

Oh, how my taste buds weep for the less fortunate cheese among us.

I recall that delightful song from church days gone by. “Jesus loves the little cheeses, all the cheeses of the world. Swiss and Cheddar, stinky, too. If He loved them, so should you. Jesus loves the little cheeses of the world.”

I hold this truth to be self evident – that all curds are created equal, that they are endowed by their cheese maker with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of a Ritz cracker.

I dream of a day when cheese is not judged by its country of origin but by the content of its butterfat – be it Gouda or Velveeta.

Intolerance is bad for business no matter how you bag it. And in my estimation the only thing worse than intolerance is lactose intolerance.


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1 posted on 03/28/2014 4:08:30 PM PDT by Kaslin
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To: Kaslin

DO they sell French dressing?


2 posted on 03/28/2014 4:11:19 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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Or Chinese mustard?


3 posted on 03/28/2014 4:11:52 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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Or Italian bread?


4 posted on 03/28/2014 4:12:16 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Kaslin

Markets around here have both the “Mexican” and “Asian” aisles.


5 posted on 03/28/2014 4:12:38 PM PDT by Mariner (War Criminal #18)
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Or Russian rye?


6 posted on 03/28/2014 4:12:40 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Kaslin
Between this and the E U trying to get us to abandon the traditional names of cheeses like Parmesan, I don't know what we will do when we have a craving for cheese.
7 posted on 03/28/2014 4:15:05 PM PDT by reg45 (Barack 0bama: Implementing class warfare by having no class.)
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To: Mariner

Mexican aisle for salsa. Asian aisle for noodles, soy sauce, oyster sauce and sesame seed oil.


8 posted on 03/28/2014 4:15:35 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Kaslin

Blessed are the cheesemakers.


9 posted on 03/28/2014 4:16:25 PM PDT by HartleyMBaldwin
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To: Kaslin
Non-issue.

Everyone knows a ham sandwich requires swiss cheese.

10 posted on 03/28/2014 4:17:47 PM PDT by ZOOKER (Until further notice the /s is implied...)
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To: ZOOKER

Yup!


11 posted on 03/28/2014 4:18:45 PM PDT by BenLurkin (This is not a statement of fact. It is either opinion or satire; or both.)
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To: Kaslin
I buy Mexican cheese all the time but it is not advertised as such.
That's right... its a Mennonite recipe.


12 posted on 03/28/2014 4:18:58 PM PDT by mylife (Ted Cruz understands the law, and is not afraid of the unlawful.)
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To: ZOOKER

Amen, brother, amen! ;-)


13 posted on 03/28/2014 4:19:36 PM PDT by doc1019
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To: mylife

The meek don’t want it..


14 posted on 03/28/2014 4:20:22 PM PDT by Col Frank Slade
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To: BenLurkin
Yesiree.

How does one survive without Salsa Victoria, Soy and 5 Spice?

It would certainly be boring.

15 posted on 03/28/2014 4:20:54 PM PDT by Mariner (War Criminal #18)
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To: Kaslin
The sad thing is, the Hispanic cheese can't show documents to prove it's what it says it is.

If you're extremely lucky, you'll find a pack with an embassy obtained Matrícula Consular card as documentation. Some stores in the U.S. won't recognize it as such tough.

Not to worry, you don't have to be a very big cheese to get one...


16 posted on 03/28/2014 4:22:15 PM PDT by DoughtyOne (Immigration Reform is job NONE. It isn't even the leading issue with Hipanics. Enforce our laws.)
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To: Kaslin
Well, if there is one case where I don't mind diversity at all, as a matter of fact I love it, it's food.
I refuse to be offended.

17 posted on 03/28/2014 4:41:58 PM PDT by BitWielder1 (Corporate Profits are better than Government Waste)
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To: Kaslin
I had to Google "Mr Mister" to remember what hits they had back in the 1980s.

"Broken Wings" was one of them and I remember that song, here are some of the lyrics:

So take these broken wings
And learn to fly again, learn to live so free

And then a whole bunch of Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeahs...

Not yeah-yeahs in a Beatles kind of way, but yeah-yeahs in a Reagan era kind of way.

I miss the 1980s.

18 posted on 03/28/2014 4:45:19 PM PDT by SamAdams76
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To: Kaslin

Lactose intolerance? I think he’s milking the joke.


19 posted on 03/28/2014 4:49:19 PM PDT by chajin ("There is no other name under heaven given among people by which we must be saved." Acts 4:12)
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To: reg45

Step away from the squeeze cheese, lol


20 posted on 03/28/2014 4:51:58 PM PDT by k4gypsyrose
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To: Kaslin
Danish Fimboe?

No.

Czech sheep's milk?

No.

Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Not -today-, sir, no.

21 posted on 03/28/2014 5:00:04 PM PDT by palmer (There's someone in my lead but it's not me)
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To: Mariner

Big kosher area where I shop.

Oy !

.


22 posted on 03/28/2014 5:01:45 PM PDT by Mears
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To: Kaslin
Here is a take off on the Starnes article by Lucy Westcott in The Wire.

Fox News Columnist Startled by Discovery of 'Hispanic Cheese' in the Supermarket


23 posted on 03/28/2014 5:11:05 PM PDT by deport
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To: reg45

Filet Mignon became tenderloin. But the price didn’t change.


24 posted on 03/28/2014 7:03:15 PM PDT by miss marmelstein (Richard Lives Yet!)
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To: BenLurkin

Here in Jersey we have a big India aisle. Wegman’s also carries an int’l aisle with French, English, Scottish and German products. I love browsing. Hispanic cheese does sound stupid, though. Mexican cheese, not so.


25 posted on 03/28/2014 7:06:01 PM PDT by miss marmelstein (Richard Lives Yet!)
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To: Kaslin

Could they have meant quemado or queso fresco? (I think these are both white cheeses) Beyond that, there’s a big difference between regular cheddar cheese & “Mexican cheese” (which became popular/ common in the mid 80s) “Mexican cheese”, so called because it’s made in Mexico, is very stringy & rubbery. If you grew up on Tex Mex food & loved it, it’s a hard transition to make- hard to chew & harder to swallow. The original cheese used in Mexican food was creamy & had just enough body- not Velveeta & not cheddar.

(Did it I mention that the earth revolves around the “perfect” enchilada? It just about does, here)


26 posted on 03/28/2014 7:18:49 PM PDT by KGeorge (Till we're together again, Gypsy girl. May 28, 1998- June 3, 2013)
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To: Kaslin

I’ve seen Mexican cheeses for a while, and a lot of gringos like it, but a Hispanic cheese is something to muse at.


27 posted on 03/28/2014 7:20:45 PM PDT by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: Kaslin

I used to live in “Spanish” Harlem, yet, all of the residents were Puerto Ricans and Blacks.

I’ve also been known to eat Italian food, and Chinese food, and Cuban food, and Puerto Rican food, and even American food.

I don’t discriminate, and I’ll eat what’s closest to me, when I get hungry.


28 posted on 03/28/2014 7:21:06 PM PDT by adorno (Y)
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To: miss marmelstein

You’re right, I’ve not seen “Hispanic cheese” before. Sounds like marketing that is too clever by half.


29 posted on 03/28/2014 7:21:51 PM PDT by HiTech RedNeck (Embrace the Lion of Judah and He will roar for you and teach you to roar too. See my page.)
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To: SamAdams76

Me too.
“Josie’s on a va-ca-tion far away, call her in to talk over...so many things that I’ve got to say, ....”


30 posted on 03/28/2014 10:24:05 PM PDT by ImaGraftedBranch (...By reading this, you've collapsed my wave function. Thanks.)
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To: BenLurkin
Or Italian bread?

They do have Cubano bread at Wally-World...

31 posted on 03/29/2014 4:37:13 AM PDT by trebb (Where in the the hell has my country gone?)
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To: Kaslin; BenLurkin; miss marmelstein
Well that was one of the stupidest commentaries I’ve read in a while. Both of the grocery stores nearest to me have a “Hispanic” food section including a small section in the dairy aisle. They also have a fairly large Kosher section and coming up on Passover, will stock even more as in addition to a good many hispanics around here, there is a fairly large Jewish community and synagogue just up the street. One of the stores also has a pretty big (half aisle or so) section for Asian and Indian foods. I don’t think Todd get’s out very much. Wegman’s also carries an int’l aisle with French, English, Scottish and German products.

Wegman’s is one of the few places I can find authentic Gjetost, a Norwegian cheese : ),

Hispanic cheese does sound stupid, though. Mexican cheese, not so.

That’s probably because Mexican cheese would be classified as a “Hispanic” food but not all Hispanic foods are Mexican.

32 posted on 03/29/2014 5:00:26 AM PDT by MD Expat in PA
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To: MD Expat in PA

I understand that but Hispanic cheese is funny. Damn it, it should be Chicano Cheese!

The article, I agree, is dumb.

My local A&P is massively stocked up for Passover. I love looking at the items. Unfortunately, most of it is mass-produced and so is not really very good. You have to go to a Kosher deli (we have them where I live) to really see the beautiful items produced.


33 posted on 03/29/2014 5:07:17 AM PDT by miss marmelstein (Richard Lives Yet!)
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To: miss marmelstein
Unfortunately, most of it is mass-produced and so is not really very good. You have to go to a Kosher deli (we have them where I live) to really see the beautiful items produced.

Agreed. That is one of the things I miss about living in Baltimore. If I wanted really good Kosher deli, I could drive over to Pikesville. There was also a good Jewish Kosher grocery store over there, closed of course from sundown on Friday to sundown on Saturday but open all day on Sunday. I had on a few occasions gone to a restaurant over there, the Suburban House. Great place for breakfast. The original place burned down a few years ago but I see they’ve reopened.

http://www.suburbanhousedeli.com/menu_soup_sandwiches_hot_dogs_pikesville_baltimore.php

As you can see from the menu, it isn’t strictly kosher as you can get bacon and ham and even crab cakes (it is Baltimore after all Hon). IIRC though they have separate kitchens for kosher and non-kosher.

And I used to go to an authentic Italian deli/grocery not too far from where I lived and if I had a hankering for Greek, there were those too as well as Indian and Asian and “Hispanic” stores of many varieties.

Around here in central PA, there is a lot of PA “Dutch” food….most of it pretty bland….blagh.

34 posted on 03/29/2014 5:29:28 AM PDT by MD Expat in PA
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To: MD Expat in PA

Oy! What I call Kosher-style to the max! I hope they use separate plates - and putting milk in with meat products - a major no-no! Where I am, it is mostly Sephardic Jews so the food is middle-eastern. Let me put it this way, the only Eastern European Jewish deli we have is called “Richard’s” not “Murray’s” or “Irv’s.” They actually serve Boar’s Head pastrami! And the neighbors think they’re eating good.

Pennsylvania Dutch food could be good - but the restaurants simply don’t take the time to prepare it with any real care. I guess the tourists get them down.

Thank you for the menu. I collect menus of diners I been to around the country.


35 posted on 03/29/2014 5:44:57 AM PDT by miss marmelstein (Richard Lives Yet!)
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