We have a winner!
I’ve tried to explain this for 30 years. Your preacher marries you. This is what marriage is: a contract between two people and God. The fact that the state chooses to recognize this arraignment is secondary. But, even preachers are ignorant of the concept of marriage, and most won’t even perform a ceremony without a marriage “license.” People are just plain stupid, and that is why we suffer.
Your winner has already been zotted.