Vetting Moderate Al Qaeda Rebels Can Be Tough - So Here Is A Simple Solution...

Zero Hedge ^ | Tyler Durden

[Gunpowder green]

When we reported yesterday that Obama had submitted yet another $500 million funding request to arm "moderate" Syrian rebels as opposed to extreme al-Qaeda cannibals and other ISIS faithful, we noted the glaring oversight at the heart of this plan when we asked "how will Obama make the distinction? Well, that's what polling is all about. To wit: "Excuse me, would you describe yourself as a moderate or extreme al-Qaeda jihadist. Answering affirmatively to the former assures you your own US-made Humvee and a few thousand bullets to shoot at US soldiers across the border in Iraq." Today, none other than the Pentagon's rear admiral John Kirby confirmed precisely these worries when he said, via Bloomberg:

KIRBY SAYS A LOT OF WORK NEEDED TO VET MODERATE SYRIAN REBELS KIRBY SAYS CONCERNED ABOUT AID `ENDING UP IN THE WRONG HANDS' While we share his sentiment (which we doubt is much of a concern to the US MIC as it will merely provide one set of US-made weapons to destroy another set of US-made weapons) we repeat that there is a very simple solution. It comes from Andy Borowitz, who appears to have read our mind, and is breathtakingly simple.

Presenting: The Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form

Welcome to the United States’ Moderate Syrian Rebel Vetting Process. To see if you qualify for $500 million in American weapons, please choose an answer to the following questions:

As a Syrian rebel, I think the word or phrase that best describes me is:

A) Moderate B) Very moderate C) Crazy moderate D) Other

[Gunpowder green]

I became a Syrian rebel because I believe in:

A) Truth
B) Justice
C) The American Way
D) Creating an Islamic caliphate

If I were given a highly lethal automatic weapon by the United States, I would:

A) Only kill exactly the people that the United States wanted me to kill
B) Try to kill the right people, with the caveat that I have never used an automatic weapon before
C) Kill people only after submitting them to a rigorous vetting process
D) Immediately let the weapon fall into the wrong hands

I have previously received weapons from:

A) Al Qaeda
B) The Taliban
C) North Korea
D) I did not receive weapons from any of them because after they vetted me I was deemed way too moderate

[Gunpowder green]

I consider ISIS:

A) An existential threat to Iraq
B) An existential threat to Syria
C) An existential threat to Iraq and Syria
D) The people who will pick up my American weapon after I drop it and run away

Complete the following sentence. “American weapons are…”

A) Always a good thing to randomly add to any international hot spot
B) Exactly what this raging civil war has been missing for the past three years
C) Best when used moderately
D) Super easy to resell online

Thank you for completing the Moderate Syrian Rebel Application Form. We will process your application in the next one to two business days. Please indicate a current mailing address where you would like your weapons to be sent. If there is no one to sign for them we will leave them outside the front door.

[cripplecreek]

[Bryanw92]

Here’s an idea: don’t give money, arms, or equipment to anyone who can’t recite and explain the Apostle’s Creed in a manner that convinces us that they mean it.

[PGalt]

Weapons of small destruction message brought to you by the U.S.A. (United Socialists of America).

Foreign entanglements by domestic enemies ALERT!

…and the crickets in CONgre$$...

[petro45acp]

Or the Bill of Rights

KYPD

[Jabba the Nutt]

(E) Severe Moderate (Romney wing)

[Gunpowder green]

Spot on, except that Obama has armed the guys persecuting Christians in Syria.
I am afraid that Lebanon is next, and if the Christians get chased out of there, there probably won’t be any more Christians in the middle east.

[FreedomPoster]

I’m more in favor of the Redenbacher Doctrine - sit back and watch them kill each other.

[PGalt]

AGENDA-DRIVEN Fast and Furious levant-style.

CONgre$$?????

[TWhiteBear]

At this point in time, Mr. Obama is about 30 days away from ordering US Air Force planes to attack US Army positions, as each US force is supporting the enemy of the other US Force.
TWB

[Bryanw92]

>>Spot on, except that Obama has armed the guys persecuting Christians in Syria.

That was the point I was making. There are NO moderate Muslims. No guns, money, or anything for anyone who worships the Arabian moon god.

[Gunpowder green]

I can imagine ISIS shooting at US troops in Iraq, then when they run out of ammo, going across the border to Syria to get more supplies from the Americans.

[onedoug]

Congressionally endorsed Treason.

[Lonesome in Massachussets]

Kill ‘em all, let Allah sort ‘em out.

[justa-hairyape]

Vetting is immaterial to the fact that historically the Syrian rebels often fight each other.

[JimRed]

How about “Kill ‘em all and let Allah (pi$$ be upon him) sort ‘em out”?

[wildbill]

Somehow Tyler Durden missed the key question on how to spot a moderate. The form must include a question on beheading to validate the determination. Hence I submit the following:

My opinion of beheading prisoners, infidels, fellow Muslims is:
a. Beheading should only be used after a violation of Sharia.
b. While a valid tool of terror, beheading women and children should be safe and rare.
c.To be really useful, beheading should only be done on live TV.
d. Behead everyone and let Allah sort them out.

[Gunpowder green]

Absolutely! And we should also include a question on cannibalism!

Cannibalism should be:

a. Practiced widely as a way to improve the protein intake of our Jihadis.
b. Done only on Youtube to intimidate our enemies.
c. Franchised, as there is a big market for Bishop Burgers in Syria.
d. Encouraged, if you add enough hot sauce and ketchup, anything tastes good.
e. Noted, and Obama should be held responsible for funding this despicable enterprise.