Skip to comments.A Catholic critique of a current notion of courtship
Posted on 09/09/2001 7:41:23 PM PDT by independentmind
click here to read article
IMO, the above offers a much better perspective on modern courtship, love and marriage.
Yes it's a better persepctive. Part of the problem with marriages today is that times have really changed, we live in an economy which makes it very hard for people to live those traditional roles. I knew a Korean man who was happily married to someone his parents chose for him when he was only 2 years old. He defended that way saying parents choose very carefully from families of the same background. He felt their way was more orderly than the American way where people date others from all different cultures and backgrounds and he pointed out they have a much lower divorce rate because compatibility is more ensured when the families are of the same social group.
With regard to --- One of the things the speaker said was "Feelings don't really matter. Feelings come and go. What matters is compatibility." I've heard the same idea expressed many other times this way: "Love is not a feeling; it's a decision." --It sounds easy to misconstrue and end up in a drab lifetime relationship. A feeling needs to be there. However, that feeling must be a mature adult feeling. I don't have time to go into it further.
I remember when I was about 10 or so, a man and his wife approached my mother. They knew me, and they volunteered to pay for my education in return for an understanding between me and their daughter. They said they knew me and wanted a good match for their daughter. My mother turned it down. I never did find out whose parents they were. I might have been interested, or not.
1. The rules are not adequately publicized. If a guy shows interest in a gal, but she does not return a show of interest (verboten in some courtship rule sets, regardless of her feelings), and he is unaware of these rules, he is likely to misinterpret her behavior and move on. I just participated in a denominational singles gathering, got frustrated by some of the odd behavior, and later discovered that the maidens were playing by a set of rules that the bachelors don't realize exist. If you don't publicize the rules, don't be surprised if would-be players leave the field.
2. Courtship presupposes a physically close community where individuals have easy exposure to each other in groups, and where elders are fully aware of those involved. In our spread-out culture where two interested parties can easily live hundreds of miles apart, the courtship process suffers as the "group date" requirement is very difficult to arrange. Finding enough about someone to decide to pursue formal courtship can be extremely difficult. Dating permits a discovery period which courtship presumes the community has already provided.
Reforming our thinking about courtship and sexuality
by William Craig
Kathleen van Schaijik's insightful article on dating and courtship addressed a topic of tremendous practical importance. Having worked full-time in the Pro-Life movement for the past eight years,I am convinced that fostering an authentically Christian view of human sexuality is critical in our battle against the Culture of Death.
The prevalent view on sexuality in our culture is essentially pagan. One could argue that the day has arrived, as hoped for by Alex Comfort--a leader of the sexual revolution and author of The Joy of Sex --"when we regard chastity as no more a virtue than malnutrition." Christians have an obligation not only to instill in their children a proper vision of human sexuality, but to act as salt and light to a world that is sinking ever deeper into a cesspool of carnal license. While some progress is discernible, especially with the recent proliferation of abstinence programs, much work remains to be done. Even these abstinence programs generally focus on avoiding sexual activity, and not on developing a true Christian ethic of human sexuality.
It is tragic that the "biblical approach" to courtship, which Mrs. Van Schaijik criticized, has emerged as the predominant Christian alternative to our culture's hedonistic dating and courtship rituals. While laudable in its intent, this approach does a disservice to its adherents by depriving them of the experience of discerning romantic feelings, developing self-control, and learning to interact emotionally in ways that will make them better spouses when the "Right One" comes along.
The Catholic Church's teaching on human sexuality and love is incomprehensibly beautiful. If that beauty is conveyed, dating and courtship rituals can be revolutionized to reflect the Gospel. Such a revolution would require several interrelated steps:
We must preach in the area of human sexuality faithfully and with passion. If we do not proclaim the Gospel as it relates to human sexuality, pop culture will fill the void. We have an obligation to preach the Truth, especially as it relates to these critical issues. God's message has a power that does not come from us, and He has placed these Truths deep within every human heart. Young people will respond to the truth and the beauty of our message if shared clearly and with passion. The Gospel is just as fresh and vibrant as ever.
We must preach and teach specifically on these topics. Unfortunately, our message on human sexuality is astonishingly counter-cultural. Even within the Catholic Church, we have experienced more than thirty years of a widespread belief that one can ignore Church teaching on sexual matters and still remain a "good Catholic." It is unlikely that a young Catholic has ever heard a single homily or discussion of the Church's teaching on any of these topics. It is incredibly important not only to expressly state the Church's teaching, but also to provide compelling arguments that further reflect "ever more clearly the biblical foundations, the ethical grounds and the personalistic reasons" behind these commandments of God given for our benefit. A brilliant example of this approach is Pope John Paul II's teaching on the Theology of the Body. We must address these subjects, especially in Catholic schools, Religious Education Programs, and in marriage preparation classes.
We must demonstrate a profound trust and respect for those facing these issues. Allowing young people to face these critical issues prior to marriage, as these situations naturally arise, can be a great opportunity for growth for them, despite the risks involved. Young people do not need to be told to avoid all intimacy, but rather, that with God's grace, they are capable of self-control, and that we feel that they can be trusted to develop emotionally in this area. Permitting "full" courtship and dating requires a great deal of parental interaction, supervision and communication.
We must develop a proper religious foundation in our children so as to prepare them for the challenges they will face in the future, including issues involving human sexuality. Parents must provide their children "an apprenticeship in self-denial, sound judgement, and self-mastery--the preconditions of all true freedom," in addition to educating them in the Faith. Children trained in these critical skills are well positioned to not only survive adolescence and the dating process unscathed, but to continue to grow in sanctity.
I pray that God raises up many from FUS who will accept the challenge to be leaders in bringing about this Catholic revolution in dating and courtship.
Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.