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Don't Have A Cow Over This- Humor Break

Posted on 10/21/2001 5:35:59 PM PDT by jmp702

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous. Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk. You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour. Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5 year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation goes Chapter 11.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship them.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
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Some of these are pretty funny
1 posted on 10/21/2001 5:35:59 PM PDT by jmp702
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To: jmp702
LOL bump
2 posted on 10/21/2001 5:44:36 PM PDT by Free the USA
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To: jmp702
Bump!
3 posted on 10/21/2001 5:49:42 PM PDT by FourPeas
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To: jmp702
A TALIBAN FARMER: You bought two cows from your neighbor, who has 10,000 cows. Since they're both females, you mistreat them and completely cover their bodies in sackcloth even during the summer (lest they be spotted by your other neighbor, a lonely Taliban farmer). One cow endures this treatment, and gives milk anyway, but the other cow becomes sick, and gives no milk. Since you do not have a vet, you ask Mullah Mohammad Omar, who tells you that your rich neighbor must be a devil worshipper and has cast an evil spell on one of your cows. At his urging, you start a jihad against your neighbor, by sending wild animals into his land to take revenge on his cows, who succeed in killing a few of his cows before they're killed themselves. When your neighbor learns of this, he kills the Mullah, takes back his cows, and you spend the next 10 years working off your debt for the cows you killed.

As for the sick cow, your neighbor has it treated by the local vet, and it becomes one of the best milk producers of the herd.
4 posted on 10/21/2001 6:37:31 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
HILLARY CLINTON: You have two cows. And they both look like Webster Hubbell.
5 posted on 10/21/2001 6:41:53 PM PDT by harry palmer
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To: jmp702
SURREALIST: You have two giraffes...Dude, you gotta try this milk!
6 posted on 10/21/2001 6:44:29 PM PDT by nonliberal
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To: zencycler
lest they be spotted by your other neighbor, a lonely Taliban farmer

Don't forget the sheep. Bin Laden has been spotted leaving town with his girlfriend.


7 posted on 10/21/2001 6:47:26 PM PDT by jmp702
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To: jmp702
BILL CLINTON: Everyone else says you have two cows. Despite this, you insist you have four. Some believe this is due to a drug-induced hallucination that makes you see double. But most others believe you're mistaking your wife, Hillary, and your mistress, Monica for the other two cows (understandable). When asked if this explains your mistake, while you don't outright admit it, you do say that it depends upon the definition of a cow.
8 posted on 10/21/2001 7:07:06 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: nonliberal
DESCARTES: You think you have two cows, and that's all that matters.
9 posted on 10/21/2001 7:10:24 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
OLD MACDONALD: You have one cow. Most days is says "moo moo". But sometimes it says "Ee Ay Ee Ay Oh"
10 posted on 10/21/2001 7:14:13 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

LOL! No joke, my German relatives will end up taking three vactions before I take my next one.

11 posted on 10/21/2001 7:15:13 PM PDT by BigBadWolf
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To: jmp702
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

Only if Maria Bartiromo and CNBC are covering your Cow.com corporation.

"Earnings are a relic of the past. You have to value companies in a different way these days." - CNBC staff

12 posted on 10/21/2001 7:32:08 PM PDT by Orion
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To: jmp702
ALBERT GORE: You have spent your whole life raising a prize cow, hoping to take first prize at the millenium state fair. When the day arrives for your cow to be judged, you only take second prize. You spend endless days and nights asking for recounts, trying to disqualify the votes of some of the judges, and claiming that your cow really won. Meanwhile, during your long obsession with the outcome of the contest, you fail to notice that your cow has run off. You go off in search of your cow, hoping to find it before the next state fair.
13 posted on 10/21/2001 7:39:52 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

The price of your milk you sell goes down by 75% in the span of one year, yet you produce more and have enough inventory and production to supply 85% of the world's market during the last "boom" year. Unfortunately, you only have 15% of the market share in a drastically decling market. You are set up to lose over $2B in a calendar year on revenues of about $2B. Mooria Bartiromo hypes your stock on CNBC and people bid up your stock to be almost as valuable as General Motor's stock.

Can you say "MU?"

14 posted on 10/21/2001 7:39:59 PM PDT by Orion
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To: jmp702
A REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

Actually, you have two cows, and your neighbor has two cows. You earned yours and your neighbor received his from the gov't. The Democrats propose to give one of your cows to the neighbor to buy votes (a vote which the dems will get 95% of the time). The Republicans offer to give your neighbor both cows to buy that vote. The end result is the neighbor still votes for the Dem (and has 2 cows, and sold the other two to buy drugs, booze, and cigarettes) and you vote for the Reform party because the GOP can't keep its promises. The GOP can't figure out what happened.

15 posted on 10/21/2001 7:44:55 PM PDT by Orion
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To: Orion
A DOT.COM CORPORATION: You have two virtual cows on your website. Visitors to your website are asked to buy virtual milk. One of your subscribers, Albert Gore, makes frequent visits to your website hoping to find his lost cow (see post 13). A year later, your company has lost a lot of money, but since you now have 20 websites and and 40 virtual cows, your stock price has gone through the roof. Another year goes by, and your stock is worthless, your website is closed, and your creditors and investors are paid off with virtual milk.
16 posted on 10/21/2001 7:49:34 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
A LIMOUSINE LIBERAL: You have 100 cows. The great unwashed have two cows, and the downtrodden only have one cow. You feel REAL bad over this inequity, so you vote to take one of the cows from the great unwashed and give it to the downtrodden. You keep your 100 cows and hire a private security firm to shoot any great unwashed who dare to look at your cows. You have Barbara Streisand sing at a benefit for the politicians who implemented your plan.
17 posted on 10/21/2001 7:51:24 PM PDT by Orion
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To: jmp702
Bump to read first thing in the morning. Looking forward to it!
18 posted on 10/21/2001 7:54:49 PM PDT by SusanUSA
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To: zencycler
A CNBC STOCK ANALYST: You have a diversified portfolio of Gooney Birds, flounders, wombats and sickly cows. You go on CNBC and say "this is a good time to buy cows. Just look at the price action of the past year (insert Ty Matheson's Hot Chart here on COW). We find cows to be extremely attractive at these levels...

In reality, the cows produce no milk and occupy a lot of grazing land. When the public starts to buy cows, the Stock Analyst's company dumps all their existing cows.

Sucker!

19 posted on 10/21/2001 8:01:37 PM PDT by Orion
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To: Orion; zencycler
LOL. I salute your imaginative posts.
20 posted on 10/21/2001 8:02:50 PM PDT by jmp702
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To: jmp702
THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN: You have one healthy young cow, three older raggedy looking cows, and you keep one bull penned up, and have been trying to get rid of him for years. One day, while you're all at a government conference, the bull breaks through his pen and has his way with one of the good looking cows. When you return and learn what has happened, you are outraged. You convince the cow that this was an act of violence, butcher the bull, and abort the unborn calf so that the cow is not inconvenienced. You teach the other cows to join you in ridiculing the younger cow, to help them and you feel better about being unattractive.
21 posted on 10/21/2001 8:04:26 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
Oh, thank you for the post. This is a great diversion, and a lot of fun.
22 posted on 10/21/2001 8:07:58 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: Orion
THE DOWNTRODDEN: You have one cow that is dying because you never learned how to take care of cows, but haven't figured out yet that you should either learn to be a better rancher, or look for other work. A Limousine Liberal with 100 cows takes pity on you and lobbies the government to tax the Great Unwashed, who each have two cows. So the goverment gives you a healthy cow from the Great Unwashed and gives it to you.

Now you have two cows that are dying. Barbara Streisand composes a song that has people crying over your dying cows.
23 posted on 10/21/2001 8:16:35 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
THE CHICAGO BLACKHAWKS: You have two cows. You let them walk to the farm next door and buy two old cows from the farm down the road. The cows you used to have produce ten times as much milk as they did when you had them. The cows you have now produce one-tenth as much milk as they did on their old farm.
24 posted on 10/21/2001 8:20:36 PM PDT by TheyConvictedOglethorpe
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To: jmp702
AN ENVIRONMENTAL ACTIVIST: You have 2 cows on an organic farm. You don't use pesticides, hormones, or any other form of agricultural technology. You don't make a lot of money, but you feel very warm and fuzzy about how well you treat your land and your cows. But then a consortium of trusted liberal scientists working on Global Warming figure out that Cow Farts are actually the primary cause of the growing holes in the ozone layer. After careful consideration, you decide you'll kill your cows the next day to do your part to help save mankind. Two friends of yours - one an Animal Rights Activist and the other a Vegetarian - overhear you discussing your plan, so they kill you in your sleep to protect the cows.
25 posted on 10/21/2001 8:30:41 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: zencycler
ANN COULTER: You have two cows, but nobody seems to notice.
26 posted on 10/21/2001 8:34:56 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: zencycler
Excellent. Global warming activists vs. animal rights activists. Mad magazine satire.
27 posted on 10/21/2001 8:40:30 PM PDT by jmp702
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To: jmp702
AN ATHIEST: You have two cows, but you don't spend much time on the ranch, because your too busy arguing with your Hindu neighbor about the futility of worshipping cows, or any other gods for that matter. And when you're not arguing about the folly of cow worship, you and a group of atheist ranchers are pressuring Congress to restrict the religious oppression that occurs anytime the Boy Wonder appears in print or on film saying "Holy Cow, Batman."
28 posted on 10/21/2001 8:44:03 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: zencycler
BARNEY FRANK: You have two cows. Life is good.
29 posted on 10/21/2001 8:46:44 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
This is funny and it reminds me of where my mom works--my mom works for a swiss guy that married an american woman. They moved to switzerland and she HATED IT! (duh) and she wanted to move back. He says to her "then I'll have to open our own business b/c i am not working for some american company where I only get 2 weeks of vacation a year!" Apparently they get 6 weeks in Switzerland.....whatever!!
30 posted on 10/21/2001 8:50:53 PM PDT by lawgirl
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To: jmp702
JANET RENO: You have two cows that always give lots of milk. But when you try to milk the cows, somehow you can't seem to get the milk into the bucket.

(Hey, Robert Reno can make fun of Rush going deaf, so I can poke fun at his sister having the shakes).
31 posted on 10/21/2001 8:54:33 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
A FRENCH ... Life is good.

...You take the month of August off. Life is good.

32 posted on 10/21/2001 8:57:44 PM PDT by Calvin Locke
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To: jmp702
Haha ... funny. Bump!
33 posted on 10/21/2001 8:59:12 PM PDT by BunnySlippers
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To: jmp702
DOLLY PARTON: You have two cows. And your not happy, because that's not what people used to call them.
34 posted on 10/21/2001 8:59:37 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation goes Chapter 11.

Thats why brazil is so much wealthier than america.

35 posted on 10/21/2001 8:59:52 PM PDT by gfactor
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To: jmp702
THE AMERICAN DAIRY ASSOCIATION: You don't have any cows, but you help promote the sale of milk, and foster a positive image for the dairy industry. As part of you public relations campaign, you pay to print the images of missing loved ones on milk cartons. One day you get a call from Albert Gore, who is still looking for his prize cow (see post #13), and wants you to help.
36 posted on 10/21/2001 9:05:43 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
AN INDEPENDENT: He's having a bowl of cereal one day and recognizes the image of Al Gore's prize cow on his milk carton (see post #36) as the stray cow he found weeks ago. He laughs, because he used to like Gore, but now thinks he's an idiot. He's keeping the cow, and selling the milk to his new friend and neighbor, George W. Bush.
37 posted on 10/21/2001 9:12:43 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: jmp702
Whitley Streiber: Has two cows, they are abducted, mutilated, and left on some ranch for Linda Moulton Howe to find and write about.
38 posted on 10/21/2001 9:15:51 PM PDT by Visalia
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To: BunnySlippers
bttt
39 posted on 10/21/2001 9:16:25 PM PDT by Gasshog
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To: zencycler
THE NATIONAL ORGANIZATION OF WOMEN: You have one healthy young cow, three older raggedy looking cows, and you keep one bull penned up, and have been trying to get rid of him for years. One day, while you're all at a government conference, the bull breaks through his pen and has his way with one of the good looking cows. When you return and learn what has happened, you are outraged. You convince the cow that this was an act of violence, butcher the bull, and abort the unborn calf so that the cow is not inconvenienced. You teach the other cows to join you in ridiculing the younger cow, to help them and you feel better about being unattractive

ROTFLMAO...This one is a classic!!!

40 posted on 10/21/2001 9:21:43 PM PDT by One4Indictment
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To: One4Indictment
RICHARD GERE: You have 9 cows and 1 bull. But then, a series of tragedies occur over the next 3 days. On the first day, 2 of your cows are killed by a group of Islamic radicals. The next day you see a group of wiccan feminists castrating, torturing and killing your bull. And on the 3rd day, an IRS auditor confiscates 3 of your cows, leaving you with only 4 cows and no bull (well, not in bovine sense of the word). Despite your grossly unfair treatment, on the 4th day you hold a press conference to say how badly you feel about the tormented souls of those who have killed or taken your livestock. So you donate 1 cow to the terrorists, 1 to the feminists, and 1 to the government, leaving you only 1 cow. The next day, at breakfast, you read about Al Gore's missing cow on your milk carton (see post #36), so you send him your last cow. You and your pet gerbil named Dingleberry move to Tibet. Life is good.
41 posted on 10/21/2001 10:12:37 PM PDT by zencycler
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To: TheyConvictedOglethorpe
OAKLAND A'S: You have the most productive, leanest, meanest cows year after year. After you crush the competition in the regular milking season, you start the post milking season in a VERY strong fashion by spanking the other strongest cows. Then for no reason, you just quit producing milk, roll over, and die. Your strong cows go on to other farms and produce record milk for another ten milking seasons. You rebuild with new cows that outproduce their higher paid counterparts.

Season after season, the pattern repeats...at least Rodger Clemens can't beat you in any of the years.

1988, 1990, 2000, 2001

42 posted on 10/22/2001 6:38:34 AM PDT by Orion
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To: jmp702
THE CLINTON FUNDRAISER: You have cows that produce milk for the Clintons, year after year. When you discover that the Clintons are also taking milk from Communist China in exchange for the latest in milking technology, you and all your cows die in a plane crash or commit suicide.
43 posted on 10/22/2001 6:50:38 AM PDT by Orion
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To: jmp702
THE SOUTH AFRICAN FARMER: You and someone else share your farm. You have the majority of the cows, but your partner produces almost all the milk. He does not treat you as well as the farmers treat your cousins in America, but still treats you better than anywhere else on the planet. You get the farmers in America and the UK to support the ousting of your partner. All his productive cows go to the farms in the US, UK, Australia, and Canada. You start to starve and still say that it is your ex-partner's fault. Everyone feels better.
44 posted on 10/22/2001 7:06:53 AM PDT by Orion
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To: Orion
ROUMANIAN COW FARMER - First you steal two cows.

GEORGE BUSH - He has cows but all his friends call 'em steers.This puzzles him because he thinks that's the circular thing on the dashboard you use to point your car to go places.

HILARY - She IS a cow

GARY CONDIT - He's just BS.

45 posted on 10/22/2001 7:22:14 AM PDT by unending thunder
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To: zencycler
JENNIFER LOVE HEWITT: You have two beautiful cows, and everyone wonders if they are real.
46 posted on 10/22/2001 7:37:06 AM PDT by Orion
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To: unending thunder
Not very funny.
47 posted on 10/22/2001 7:47:52 AM PDT by wingnuts'nbolts
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To: Orion
PETA: You have two cows. They cannot help but produce milk, but it would be exploitive to actually milk them so their udders become inflamed and infected. The constant mooing of cows in agony finally drives you to seek competant vetrinary assistence to help the poor cows that you refuse to exploit by milking. The vet sees no chance for the cows and you reluctantly have to shoot them. fortunately, you can point with pride to the fact that your two dead cows were never exploited by humans and were ultimately of no value whatsoever.
48 posted on 10/22/2001 7:58:31 AM PDT by lafroste
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To: lafroste
You all are sooo funny.
49 posted on 10/22/2001 8:14:01 AM PDT by kassie
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To: zencycler
BARNEY FRANK: You have two cows. Life is good.

Correction:
BARNEY FRANK: You have two bulls. Life is good.

50 posted on 10/22/2001 8:32:31 AM PDT by cuz_it_aint_their_money
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