Cat Bathing As A Martial Art

Web ^

[SAMWolf]

Some people say cats never have to be bathed. They say cats lick themselves clean. They say cats have a special enzyme of some sort in their saliva that works like new, improved Wisk -- dislodging the dirt where it hides and whisking it away.

I've spent most of my life believing this folklore. Like most blind believers, I've been able to discount all the facts to the contrary, the kitty odors that lurk in the corners of the garage and dirt smudges that cling to the throw rug by the fireplace.

The time comes, however, when a man must face reality: when he must look squarely in the face of massive public sentiment to the contrary and announce: "This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

When that day arrives at your house, as it has in mine, I have some advice you might consider as you place your feline friend under your arm and head for the bathtub:

• Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)

• Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

• Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

• Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney.)

• Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

• Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

• Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semipermanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psychoceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

[LibKill]

"This cat smells like a port-a-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

ROTFLOL!

Why do people keep these little parasites anyway?

[anniegetyourgun]

Cute, huh? But never trust 'em.....

[EggsAckley]

Hey, I keep my little parasite so he can police the rat world here. He's really not a cat you see, just a little person in a cat suit!

[geaux]

Why do people keep these little parasites anyway?

People don't keep cats. Cats keep people.

[LibKill]

OK. I guess cats are better than rats. Marginally.

[geege]

Yes they are cute and I luuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuv my cats!!!!!!

[muawiyah]

It works much better if you start up the shower, get in, then invite the cat to get in. Many of them enjoy the "edge" of the shower, but not the full spray. If you keep the shampoo out of their eyes/nose/mouth, they will actually come to enjoy it.

I only had one fighter, and he was the one who got the dirtiest. To bathe that cat you had to fill the tub, then hold him so his nose was out of the water.

Did you know cats can reach around behind their backs to grab your arm? It's true! And scratch - wow.

[glasseye]

I had a problem too....but it was with flea-dipping, 6 cats. I simply put them into travel carriers and lowered them into a large bucket of flea-dip. Boy, wish I had a wave file of the sounds these 'kittys' made, still makes me shiver. But it was quick for the kitty and I lost no blood. :-) (and yes, they still hate me)

[white trash redneck]

Treat a cat well and it will be as affectionate a companion as any dog. 'Course you can't take a cat duck hunting, though...

[Nataku X]

never trust 'em.....

[EggsAckley]

I have a short haired tabby who hunts outside and sleeps inside,
and I've never had to bathe him, he's VERY clean.
Guess I should count my blessings!

[janeliberty]

Ever read the instructions for giving Kitty a flea bath. First you water it down, then starting with the head, apply the flea soap, working you way down the entire body. Once that's done, and if you're still in control, you need to let the soap sit on the cat for 5 minutes before rinsing.

Clearly the people who write the directions have never bathed a real cat!

Thank for the laugh.

[EggsAckley]

Is that how you got your glass eye?

[PJ-Comix]

I used to be worried about the reaction of my cat if I tried to bathe her. However, it got to the point where she smelled so bad that I took a chance and ran the bathtub faucet over her. She wasn't exactly pleased but surprisingly she didn't put up any fight. Actually I think she enjoys it but doesn't want to let me know so she sort of grumbles. I also shampoo her and use the flea comb on her because it is easier to brush away wet fur. The hardest part of the whole thing is drying her out. The big towel doesn't quite do the job. But at least she smells a lot better afterwards. I just bathed and shampooed her this morning.

[CheneyChick]

[stormbringer]

I would rather have a cat in the barn than any number of various rodents. Just don't make the mistake of feeding the cat too much or they get lazy.

[boris]

I used to bathe my cats but I was losing too much blood. After each "bathing experience" my dwelling looked like a crime scene.

--Boris

[Burlem]

<A HREF= "http://www.geoffmetcalf.com/images/orwscs.jpg</A>

[LibKill]

How to Bathe a Cat:

1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.

2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both lids lifted.

3. Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape). CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his paws will be reaching out for any thing they can find.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite effective.

6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself.

Sincerely,

The Dog