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Shameless and Gratuitious Joke
email | unk

Posted on 11/17/2001 9:37:22 AM PST by VA Voter

Don't click on this if you are easily offended.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS:
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.

"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."

She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.

The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?" She says "No, I'm really a blonde".

"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

1 posted on 11/17/2001 9:37:22 AM PST by VA Voter
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To: VA Voter
thanks for the laugh
2 posted on 11/17/2001 9:39:28 AM PST by native texan
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To: VA Voter
LMAO
3 posted on 11/17/2001 9:40:40 AM PST by oldvike
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To: VA Voter
Seen it before.

Still funny

What do you call brunette haircoloring done on a blonde?
Artificial intelligence :>D

4 posted on 11/17/2001 9:42:22 AM PST by petuniasevan
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To: VA Voter
That's funny. LOL
5 posted on 11/17/2001 9:43:17 AM PST by muggs
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To: VA Voter
This one takes care of all politically "correct" standards..

Political Philosophy

A CHRISTIAN DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor. Then you covet it.

A SOCIALIST:
You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor. You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his.

A DEMOCRAT:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful.
You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

A REPUBLICAN:
You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So?

A COMMUNIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it. It is expensive and sour.

AN AFGHAN:
You have no cows. The Taliban shot them for not wearing veils in public. They blamed the atrocity on perverted American values penetrating their sovereign soil. You got 5 wives instead. You actually had six, one left but you don't know what she looked like.
So far, the remaining wives clearly understand the cows' fate due to your diligent beating schedule. Fortunately, this is not viewed as an educational process.

A FASCIST:
You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage which ultimately blows up the cows.

CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows

DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.

BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE:
You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one. You force the 2 cows to produce the milk of four cows You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts that you have reduced your expenses. Your stock goes up.

A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows. You go to lunch. Life is good.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains. Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows but you don't know where they are. While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman. You break for lunch. Life is good.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You have some more vodka. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka. You produce your 10th, 5 year plan in the last 3 months. The Mafia shows up and takes over how ever many cows you really have.

A SWISS CORPORATION:
You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for storing them for others. If they give milk, you tell no one.

A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American Corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows. You expropriate them. The American corporation goes chapter 11.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You worship them .

AN AFGHAN:
You have no cows. The Taliban shot them for not wearing veils in public. They blamed the atrocity on perverted American values penetrating their sovereign soil. You got 5 wives instead. You actually had six, one left but you don't know what she looked like.
So far, the remaining wives clearly understand the cows' fate due to your diligent beating schedule. Fortunately, this is not viewed as an educational process.

6 posted on 11/17/2001 9:46:40 AM PST by VA Voter
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To: VA Voter
Thanks! You have really got me in trouble!

I told your joke to my blonde wife, an RN! She didn't think was funny!

Actually, she is the best blonde joke teller I know. People never know how to react when she tells blonde jokes!

7 posted on 11/17/2001 9:47:32 AM PST by Grampa Dave
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To: VA Voter
If you like "Blonde Jokes" - go here:

MANY BLONDE JOKES

8 posted on 11/17/2001 9:48:18 AM PST by stlrocket
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To: Grampa Dave
She might like this one:

During the Persian Gulf War they ran out of smart bombs so they had to use blond ones. Badaboom.

9 posted on 11/17/2001 9:49:42 AM PST by VA Voter
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To: petuniasevan
My wife, a blonde, says that you stole this joke and reversed it.

She says that blonde hair dye on a brunette is the real of artificial intelligence and is a fraud against man kind!

One of her best friends is brunette. When they start going after each other, it is a riot!

10 posted on 11/17/2001 9:51:51 AM PST by Grampa Dave
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To: VA Voter
This is great!
11 posted on 11/17/2001 9:53:24 AM PST by babylonian
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To: VA Voter
You are really trying to get me in trouble, aren't you!

Your cow joke is the best! It will be come a bookmark!

12 posted on 11/17/2001 9:53:36 AM PST by Grampa Dave
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To: VA Voter
LOL!
13 posted on 11/17/2001 9:55:05 AM PST by pubmom
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Comment #14 Removed by Moderator

Comment #15 Removed by Moderator

To: VA Voter
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic, "It died."

After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly.

She says: "What's the story?"

He replies: "Just crap in the carburetor."

She says, "How often do I have to do that?"

16 posted on 11/17/2001 10:05:06 AM PST by maxwell
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To: VA Voter
saw this behind the bar at the pub last night...

NOTICE

We have been notified by job security that there have been four suspected terrorists working at our job site.

Three of the four have been apprehended; Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin and Bin Drinkin have been taken into custody.

Security advised us that they could find no person matching the description of the fourth suspect, Bin Workin, on the site.

Police are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

17 posted on 11/17/2001 10:07:47 AM PST by Geronimo
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Comment #18 Removed by Moderator

To: VA Voter
Thanks, I enjoyed this very much.
19 posted on 11/17/2001 10:12:48 AM PST by garyhope
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To: VA Voter
Great joke.

I am sure everyone has heard this one:

Know how to make a blonde's eyes light up?

Shine a flashlight in her ear.

20 posted on 11/17/2001 10:13:13 AM PST by Aurelius
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To: VA Voter
LOL! As a redhead, I can laugh at blonde jokes.
21 posted on 11/17/2001 10:15:39 AM PST by sweetliberty
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To: VA Voter
I still like this one from the Darwin Awards (unverified.)

(June 1999, California) Last summer down on Lake Isabella, in the high desert east of Bakersfield, a woman was having trouble with her boat.

No matter how she tried, she just couldn't get her new 22-foot Bayliner to perform. It was sluggish in every maneuver, regardless of the power applied. She tried for an hour to make her boat go, but finally gave up and putted over to a nearby Marina for help.

A topside check revealed that everything was in perfect working order. The engine ran fine, the outboard motor pivoted up and down, and the prop was the correct size and pitch.

One of the Marina guys jumped in the water to check beneath the boat. He came up almost choking on water, he was laughing so hard.

Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

22 posted on 11/17/2001 10:16:56 AM PST by Joe 6-pack
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To: VA Voter
BTTT
23 posted on 11/17/2001 10:19:39 AM PST by TopQuark
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To: VA Voter
A Taliban Army platoon was on patrol when the commander noticed a lone Marine standing on a hilltop in their area.

The commander told two of his soldiers to go take out the Marine, so they dropped their packs and promptly ran as fast as they could toward him.

Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The two soldiers followed. For the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. He brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers.

The infuriated commander called for a squad to go get the Marine. They promptly ran as fast as they could toward him. Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The squad followed, and for the next few minutes there were bloody screams and dust flying in the air. Then as quick as it had started, it stopped and the Marine came up on the hilltop. Brushed off his cammies, straightened his cover, crossed his arms and stood there looking at the Taliban soldiers once again.

The commander was really hot now. He ordered the rest of his platoon to attack the Marine. Determined that Taliban soldiers were far superior to one lone Marine, they had blood in their eyes as they ran up the hill.

Just before they got to the top, the Marine ran over the other side of the hill. The bloodthirsty soldiers followed. For many minutes there were horrific screams and dust flying in the air. It continued and continued.

Finally, one lone Taliban soldier came crawling back to the commander, all bloody and beat about the head and shoulders. His uniform was torn; cuts were all over his body. The commander asked for a report. The lone soldier, trying to catch his breath, replied in a forceful and trembling voice:

"Sir,...run,...it's a trick. There are TWO of them!!"

24 posted on 11/17/2001 10:20:26 AM PST by Angel#3
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To: VA Voter
ROFLMAO

Btw, I'm Blonde too :)
25 posted on 11/17/2001 10:21:01 AM PST by Fiddlstix
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To: VA Voter
What a shameless and gratuitious joke...

I like it... but then, I'm Shameless and Gratuitious, too...

26 posted on 11/17/2001 10:32:02 AM PST by Chad Fairbanks
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To: VA Voter
It's not delivery...it's Di...Di...it's French.
27 posted on 11/17/2001 10:39:48 AM PST by Tolerance Sucks Rocks
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To: VA Voter
Do you know what's black and blue and red all over?

A brunette who has told one too many blonde jokes.

28 posted on 11/17/2001 10:42:28 AM PST by anniegetyourgun
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To: VA Voter
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, saying that the game is really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer figures that since his opponent is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes another offer:

"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and even the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he finally gives up. He wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

29 posted on 11/17/2001 10:46:40 AM PST by Lady Jag
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To: VA Voter
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, there was a beautiful young blonde woman waiting for a bus who was wearing a tight mini skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

30 posted on 11/17/2001 10:56:08 AM PST by Jean S
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To: VA Voter
LOL
31 posted on 11/17/2001 4:20:50 PM PST by CRAW
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To: VA Voter
Why did the blonde take so long to drink her orange juice? On the carton it said, Concentrate.
32 posted on 11/17/2001 7:46:18 PM PST by Arm_Bears
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To: Angel#3
hahaha I have to remember this one
33 posted on 11/17/2001 9:37:43 PM PST by ollucky
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