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I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: jokes
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Oh--my Dad can print out images as easily as text, so cartoons would be welcome too. THANKS.
1 posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
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To: ChemistCat
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!!! :-)

2 posted on 11/27/2001 9:12:51 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: ChemistCat
So this seal walks into a club.
3 posted on 11/27/2001 9:13:46 PM PST by Timesink
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To: ChemistCat

4 posted on 11/27/2001 9:15:03 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: ChemistCat
A priest was seated next to Ex-President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The Ex-President asked for a whisky & soda, and the flight attendant asked the priest if he would also like a drink. The priest replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The Ex-President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

5 posted on 11/27/2001 9:15:18 PM PST by Cool Guy
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To: ChemistCat
FR search for "joke" threads. Try the one about blondes.
6 posted on 11/27/2001 9:15:22 PM PST by coloradan
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To: ChemistCat
Most politically incorrect bumper sticker:

Nuke the Homeless Gay Whales
7 posted on 11/27/2001 9:15:25 PM PST by July 4th
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To: ChemistCat

8 posted on 11/27/2001 9:15:56 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: ChemistCat
I am jokeless ... but, will bump this around for a laugh.

Blessings for a speedy and complete and painless recovery.

9 posted on 11/27/2001 9:16:08 PM PST by zeaal
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To: Timesink
A termite walks into a saloon, and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
10 posted on 11/27/2001 9:16:18 PM PST by coloradan
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To: ChemistCat
I hope this doesn't get me banned but here goes... What's the best pick up line in a gay bar? May I push in your stool?
11 posted on 11/27/2001 9:17:08 PM PST by SharonLorraine
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To: ChemistCat
What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?

He gets taller.

12 posted on 11/27/2001 9:18:31 PM PST by tacticalogic
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To: ChemistCat
Go to this site - you'll be there for hours. Jokes

That manipulation of her knee is VITAL to the surgery being a success - so is the physical therapy that follows it. IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER, MAKE SURE THAT SHE FOLLOWS UP WITH THE EXERCISES. IF NOT, SHE'LL BE IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. I've got a friend that got lazy after her surgery, and that's where she's spending the rest of hers - at age 42. The therapy hurts like hell - but the alternative is much worse.

I wish her the best of luck - she's going to need your help.

13 posted on 11/27/2001 9:20:24 PM PST by 11B3
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To: SharonLorraine
The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband say, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

14 posted on 11/27/2001 9:21:17 PM PST by Cool Guy
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To: ChemistCat
There was a woman who once had a knee operation (stop me if you've heard this before) and they put her in this contraption that keeps the knee moving for the entire night. It's really painful. (here comes the good part) So the doctor walks in to the room to check on her and she asks the doctor "will this make my knee good as new?" (tee hee - this is gonna kill ya!) and the doctor says "your knee? I thought we were preparing you for labor!"
15 posted on 11/27/2001 9:21:20 PM PST by Tall_Texan
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To: ChemistCat

Good luck with your recovery!

16 posted on 11/27/2001 9:21:28 PM PST by xm177e2
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To: ChemistCat

Bin Laden's PEE PEE

MY PEE PEE


17 posted on 11/27/2001 9:21:37 PM PST by notyourregularhandle
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Comment #18 Removed by Moderator

To: ChemistCat
Rivero has a lot of funny stuff on What Really Happened?.
19 posted on 11/27/2001 9:23:23 PM PST by alcuin
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To: ChemistCat
Saddam Hussein and President Bush met to work out Middle East problems. Hussein says to Bush, "You know Mr. President, I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was traveling through your country and that in every window of every business, school, and home there were signs that read, "Welcome Saddam, Beloved Leader!" What do you think of that?"

President Bush responded, "That's very ironic. I, too, had a dream last night! I dreamed that I was traveling through Iraq. All of the schools and factories had been rebuilt. The children looked well-fed and happy. The people were smiling. And in every window of every business, school, and home there were signs."

Saddam then asked, "What did the signs say?"

Bush answered, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"

20 posted on 11/27/2001 9:23:41 PM PST by capitan_refugio
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To: coloradan
Two guys walk into a bar, the second one should have ducked.
21 posted on 11/27/2001 9:24:44 PM PST by ALASKA
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To: July 4th
No - it's Nuke Gay Baby Whales for Jesus
22 posted on 11/27/2001 9:25:17 PM PST by 11B3
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Comment #23 Removed by Moderator

To: ChemistCat
Polock walks into a bar with a handful of dog crap and yells at the bartender, "Look what I almost stepped in!"
24 posted on 11/27/2001 9:27:18 PM PST by Feiny
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To: ChemistCat
A lawyer and a dentist are standing in line at the supermarket. All of a sudden the dentist unzips a fanny pack he has on, takes out a couple of dental tools, and procedes to give the gentleman in front of him a dental exam right there on the spot.

The lawyer is flabbergasted. 'What the HELL are you doing?,' he says to the dentist. The dentist replies, 'He's my patient, I'm giving him a checkup.'

The lawyer says, 'At the supermarket, in public?'

The dentist replies, 'All the time, I do this for all my patients I run into on the street.'

The lawyer says, 'Well, I'm his lawyer, you don't see me out in public screwing my client in the a**, do you?'

25 posted on 11/27/2001 9:27:47 PM PST by Free Vulcan
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Comment #26 Removed by Moderator

To: ChemistCat
I have a rather funny one I got from my uncle that has Abe Lincoln giving advice to Clinton...and well, it probably shouldn't be told because it suggests Clinton should get himself assassinated....lol.

But in any case, have you heard the one about the lady who kept coming to the white house and asked where President Clinton was? The Secret Service agent at the gate said, "he is not here anymore. Bush is now president." So she would leave....then she kept coming back over and over with the same result, until the SS agent said "why do you keep coming when you know clinton is gone from the Presidency?" She then said, "I knew Bush was the President, but I had to come all these days to remind myself how cool it is!" That is not exactly like what was told to me, but it does fit as close as I recall....it is more like a humorous little story than joke though.

27 posted on 11/27/2001 9:29:15 PM PST by rwfromkansas
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Comment #28 Removed by Moderator

To: ChemistCat
George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, an old granny, and a pretty young blonde were all traveling in the same rail car.
The train entered a long tunnel, and a few seconds later there was a resounding SLAP!
As the train came back out into the sunlight, it was obvious that Clinton had taken one on the chops.

The granny thought, "Well, he had it coming!"
The pretty blonde thought, "I'll bet Bill tried to grope me and got her!"
Clinton thought, "I'll bet Bush copped a feel and the blonde thought it was me."
Bush thought, "That was fun! Next tunnel, I'll slap him again!"

29 posted on 11/27/2001 9:31:01 PM PST by petuniasevan
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To: ChemistCat
So this Baptist preacher is watchin' TV one day during a rainstorm when he sees on the news that the dam near his house has burst and the water is headed towards his home. He steps out onto his porch and sure enough, the water's already rising fast. Two fellows in a rowboat come by and yell, "Preacher, get in the boat! the water's risin', we ain't got much time!". And the Preacher sez, "Boys, don't worry. I have faith. If I need help the Lord will provide." So later the water is stil rising and the Preacher's on top of his roof. Two more fellows in a rowboat come by and yell, "Preacher, get in the boat! the water's STILL risin', we ain't got much time!". And the Preacher again sez, "Boys, don't worry. I have faith. If I need help the Lord will provide." So later the Preacher's on top of his chimney...water still rising. Two fellow fly overhead in a helicopter and yell down, "Preacher grab the rope and come up! You ain't got time to wait!" The Precaher yells up at them, "Boys you just don't understand. I have all the faith in the world. If I need help the Lord will provide."

About an hour later the Preacher gets to the Pearly Gates. Saint Anthony is on guard duty (as he is every other weekday from 4 to 7). he looks at the Precher astonished and says, "What in the world are you doing here? It ain't time for you!" The Preacher says, "I don't know. These folks kept coming by and I told them if I needed help the Lord would provide." St. Anthony looks at him and says, "Hell, we sent two rowboats and a helicopter for you!" :)

30 posted on 11/27/2001 9:31:16 PM PST by TheBigB
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To: ChemistCat; lowbridge
Sending prayers but here is the joke:

This scottsman stagers out of the local pub and he is so drunk he passes out in the gutter.

Two american tourist girls walk by and see him laying there. One says to the other, "I wonder what a scottish man wears under his kilts?" Her friend replies, "Let's look, he'll never know."

They lift his kilt to see he has nothing on. The first girl laughs and pulls a blue ribbon from her hair, ties it around him. They pull his kilt down and leave.

Later, he staggers into a back alley to relieve himself and he finds this blue ribbon tied around himself and he says, (in your best scottish accent) "Laddie, I don know where ya been and I don know what ya done but I'm dam glad ya took first prize."

Why did the punk rocker cross the road? He was stapled to the chicken.

How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 96. One to screw in the light bulb and 95 to file the environmental impact reports.

31 posted on 11/27/2001 9:31:37 PM PST by farmfriend
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To: ChemistCat
Try this Humor Break! http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a3b8746fa286d.htm
32 posted on 11/27/2001 9:33:20 PM PST by paul51
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To: ChemistCat
1. Do they have a 4th of July in England? Yes/No

2. How many birthdays does the average man have?

3. Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

4. How many outs are there in an inning?

5. Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? Yes/No

6. Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

7. If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have?

8. A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half an hour. How many minutes would the pills last?

9. A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left?

10. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark?

11. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh?

12. How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen?

13. A plane crashes on the Canadian - US border. In which country you bury the survivors?

14. What is the least amount of coins it takes to make 55 cents if one of the coins is a quarter?

DON'T READ ANY FURTHER UNTIL YOU'VE ANSWERED ALL THE ABOVE

QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Densa Test, Your Evaluation

*Give yourself one point for each correct answer..... Good luck!

1: Is there a 4th of July in England? Yes, it comes after the 3rd of July!

2: How many birthdays does the average man have? 1 Just one!

3: Some months have 31 days; how many have 28? 12, all of them!

4: How many outs are there in an inning? 6, three per side!

5: Is it legal for a man in California to marry his widow's sister? No - because he is dead!

6: Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer? 70, (30 divided by 1/2 equals 60!)

7: If there are 3 apples and you take away 2, how many do you have? 2, you took them, remember?

8: A doctor gives you three pills telling you to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last? 60 --Start with the 1st pill, 30 minutes later take the 2nd, then 30 minutes for the 3rd.

9: A farmer has 17 sheep, and all but 9 die. How many are left? 9 (If allbut 9 die, then 9 are left alive, eh?)

10: How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the ark? zero...it wasn't Moses.. it was Noah
11: A clerk in the butcher shop is 5' 10'' tall. What does he weigh? meat, a butcher weighs meat!

12: How many two cent stamps are there in a dozen? 12 There are 12 2-cent stamps in a dozen!

13: The survivors would probably rather wait until they die to be buried

14: Three coins. One is a quarter, the other is a quarter and also a nickel.

 

Add Your Score... How did you do?

Correct Answers Rating *DENSA.....Dense Rating :>)

>13-14 Genius

>10-12 Above Normal

>7-9 Normal

>4-6 Crack head

>1-3 Lug nut

33 posted on 11/27/2001 9:34:05 PM PST by ATOMIC_PUNK
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To: ChemistCat
Why don't the Chinese have phone books?

Because they have so many "Wings" and "Wongs", everyone's afraid they'll wing the wong number.

34 posted on 11/27/2001 9:34:08 PM PST by Conservative independent
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To: ChemistCat
Three old guys are having a conversation, first old guy 70 years old says 'I just wish I could tgake a good piss, but everytime I try just a little trickle comes out'.

Second old guy 80 years old says 'I just wish I could take a good dump, I sit for hours and grunt and push but nothing happens.'

Third says 'Pissing and shitting are nothing, every morning at 5a.m. I take a big healthy piss, and at precisely 6a.m. I take a big healthy dump, I just wish I could wake up before 7a.m.

35 posted on 11/27/2001 9:34:20 PM PST by alaskanfan
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To: farmfriend
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't think any would fit!

And that glass is so fragile - glass cuts are worse than rug burn....

36 posted on 11/27/2001 9:36:19 PM PST by petuniasevan
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To: 11B3
She's more than my Mom--she's my best friend. She's the one I can tell anything to and we always have giggle fits when we're together. Unfortunately, she's across the country from me, and I have my own medical crisis going on and three kids & a spouse besides. I wanted to go, but I wouldn't be much use--can't lift anything--and I have to deal with my own mess. My Dad is between jobs now so she will have not only the best care 24/7 once she gets home, but also the best food. (Dad is an awesome cook.) She has been trying to get this knee replacement done for a long time and I know she won't slack off on the PT or anything else she's supposed to do. I didn't know they'd have to strap her into a machine postop though. I could have thought of a lot of ways to tease her about that if I'd known. ;-)

Thanks for the jokes! I know the one about "preparing you for labor" will really make her groan!
37 posted on 11/27/2001 9:36:29 PM PST by ChemistCat
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To: ChemistCat
- 85 year old couple, sitting on the couch watching TV. Wife is getting a little frisky an says " Let's climb upstairs and have sex !" He looks at her and says..."I can do one....or the other"


- WHAT WOULD YOU DO ????
If you were photographing the Niagara Falls, and Bill Clinton is in the water being swept toward the falls, ... You can either save him from drowning or take the picture that perhaps wins the Pulitzer Prize....... What shutter speed would you use?


- Bill Clinton walks into the doctors office with a duck on his head. Doctor says "What's your problem ?" Duck says "Well doc, this thing started out as a wart on my ass"
38 posted on 11/27/2001 9:39:36 PM PST by stylin19a
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To: ChemistCat
Osama bin Laden, severly injured in an American attack, is in a US Army medical facility, when he asks the attending doctor, "Doc, when will I die?"

"Unsure of the exact time of death," his Western doctor says. "But you will die on an American holiday."

"How do you know it will be on an American holiday?" asks the terrorist.

"That's easy," says the doctor, "Any day that you die will be an American holiday."

39 posted on 11/27/2001 9:40:35 PM PST by Rainbow Rising
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To: petuniasevan
We have really huge bulbs out here. That's why we don't have any electricity. And they are not made of glass but environmentally friendly, bio-degradable plastic.
40 posted on 11/27/2001 9:41:33 PM PST by farmfriend
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To: ChemistCat
Prayers being sent for a speedy recovery!
41 posted on 11/27/2001 9:41:55 PM PST by Cool Guy
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To: Rainbow Rising
Here is a punch line in search of a joke: "stem cell phone".
42 posted on 11/27/2001 9:42:17 PM PST by operation clinton cleanup
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To: ChemistCat
How do you make your wife (or husband) scream and holler when you're having sex?

Call her (him) up and tell her where you are and what you're doing!

43 posted on 11/27/2001 9:47:23 PM PST by garyhope
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To: ChemistCat
A man decides to visit his doctor, a little Japanese fellow, as every time he broke wind, it sounded funny. "Doc," he said, "every time I fart, it sounds just like a Honda." The doctor says "Go to dentist, you have abcess tooth." The man returns the next day and tells the doc "Hey, thanks, you were right about the tooth, and now my farts sound normal. How did you know?" The doctor says "Abcess make the fart go Honda." !!!
44 posted on 11/27/2001 9:48:01 PM PST by GeekDejure
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To: ChemistCat
A guy comes home and says to his wife, "Honey, get your kids, pack your bags, I won the lottery!"

"Oh, I've always wanted to see Paris and Rome, we can get that new car I've been wanting...."

"No, you don't understand ... get **YOUR** kids ... pack **YOUR** bags ... ** I ** won the lottery!"

(best wishes for a speedy recovery!)

45 posted on 11/27/2001 9:49:17 PM PST by SWake
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To: rwfromkansas
An old man in a nursing home is laying on his bed naked crying his eyes out. The nurse walks in sees him, and asks "what's the matter"? He replies "my his penis died last night". She shakes her head and says she'll check in on him on the morning, and leaves. The next morning she returns, and there he is, standing tall, all dressed in a suit, with his penis hanging out of his pants. The nurse looks at him for a minute and says, "I thought you said your penis died yesterday, what are you doing?" The old man replies, "It did, today's the viewing".
46 posted on 11/27/2001 9:50:35 PM PST by Johnny_Apollo
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To: ChemistCat
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.

Geez . . . Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp !!!

47 posted on 11/27/2001 9:55:29 PM PST by GeekDejure
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To: 11B3
Nah, you're close, but it's really Nuke the Homeless Gay Baby Whales in Tibet, for Jesus. Twice.
48 posted on 11/27/2001 10:02:24 PM PST by Hank Rearden
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To: GeekDejure
That was bad. Really bad. I love bad jokes. I cherish a bad joke as I do a very ugly lamp.

Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?

He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?

He was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure.

49 posted on 11/27/2001 10:02:33 PM PST by pistola
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To: ChemistCat
A man walks into a restaurant with an ostrich behind, him, and as he sits the waitress comes over, and asks for their order. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" asks the waitress. "I'll have the same." says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke " and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be 12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live! "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man replies "My second wish was for a chick with long legs.
50 posted on 11/27/2001 10:11:45 PM PST by ThinkLikeWaterAndReeds
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