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I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
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To: ChemistCat
A man left work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys -- spending his entire paycheck. When he finally came home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
121 posted on 11/28/2001 10:28:49 AM PST by Delbert
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To: ChemistCat
First, the lawyer riff:

So the Devil appears to this lawyer, and says, "Take my deal, and I will give you everything you could possibly dream of!"

Lawyer says, "Like what? I can dream a lot."

The Devil says, "I will give you all the money you can ever want. I will make you the leading man in your profession. Your colleagues will all admire you, your opponents will all fear you, women will all desire you. You will have fame, power, and material possessions to blast the imagination."

The lawyer says, "What's the price?"

The Devil says, "Your soul."

The lawyer considers a moment. Then he says, "And what's the catch?"


122 posted on 11/28/2001 10:31:08 AM PST by BibChr
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To: petuniasevan
lmao! thanks=)

Ok, here's one for y'all.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

123 posted on 11/28/2001 10:33:25 AM PST by Serb5150
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To: ChemistCat
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down, the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?

124 posted on 11/28/2001 10:33:37 AM PST by Mackey
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To: ChemistCat
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are each enjoying a pint of Guinness on the patio. A fly lands in each glass. The Scotsman just drinks it down, fly and all, oblivious. The Englishman casually flicks the fly away, and keeps drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly and holds it over his glass, shouting, 'Spit it out, you bastard!!'
125 posted on 11/28/2001 10:33:54 AM PST by my_pointy_head_is_sharp
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To: Lazamataz
Come join the fun before the thread is deleted.
126 posted on 11/28/2001 10:34:54 AM PST by dr gene scott
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To: my_pointy_head_is_sharp
Q: How do you get Osama Ben Hidin out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

127 posted on 11/28/2001 10:36:01 AM PST by McGruff
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To: Non-Sequitur
Let's not forget the opossum!!
128 posted on 11/28/2001 10:38:25 AM PST by mommybain
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To: Conservative independent
A man walks into a chinese laundry named McNalley's and asks the owner why if he is chinese did he name his laundry McNalley's? The chinese man explains that years ago as he entered the U.S. he was in a long line and the inspector would question each person, name, country of origin, etc. and the man just before him was asked his name, "McNalley" he said. So when they ask for my name I tell them Sam Ting. So they write McNalley.

I know. Sorry

129 posted on 11/28/2001 10:40:40 AM PST by mc5cents
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To: ChemistCat
My mom had knee surgery a few years ago and had to have her leg in the same contraption. Be sure she keeps up with her exercises and does them the exact way the dr. and phys. therapist tells her to. My mom didn't understand a few of them and the dr. had to literally rip apart the scar tissue that had built up - it was horribly painful to mom. It worked though, and she was able to walk fine but the healing process was very painful.
130 posted on 11/28/2001 10:43:13 AM PST by bcollinsCA
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To: ChemistCat
I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but I will certainly pray for your mom, and I have enjoyed everyone else's jokes.
131 posted on 11/28/2001 10:43:47 AM PST by kassie
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To: cake_crumb
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

132 posted on 11/28/2001 10:45:11 AM PST by Mackey
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To: A2J
133 posted on 11/28/2001 10:46:41 AM PST by shaggy eel
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To: 11B3
Funniest bumper sticker I've seen in a while...


134 posted on 11/28/2001 10:47:42 AM PST by TX Bluebonnet
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To: kassie
... "I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but I will certainly pray for your mom, and I have enjoyed everyone else's jokes."

Long-faced hoarse-throated Bump. Ah, but you don't understand: On this thread, you only have to save a joke to tell a soul.

135 posted on 11/28/2001 10:50:17 AM PST by Robert A Cook PE
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To: ChemistCat
What do you do with a Giraffe with three balls???










Walk him and pitch to the Elephant!!!

136 posted on 11/28/2001 10:54:18 AM PST by NY.SS-Bar9
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Very good! Sure to get passed around. E-mail is a wonderful thing. 8-)
137 posted on 11/28/2001 10:55:37 AM PST by Tinman
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To: hobblemaster
Jesus, this is a JOKE THREAD!

I'm sitting here, with tears of laughter streaming down my red cheeks reading these fabulous jokes, and see *your* story.

Now, THAT was funny!

138 posted on 11/28/2001 10:57:22 AM PST by DCPatriot
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To: lowbridge
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!!! :-)

To see a man lay a brick!

139 posted on 11/28/2001 11:04:05 AM PST by Publius6961
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To: ChemistCat
Here's one you can even tell your grandmother...

Two guys alone in a bar. The first guy asks the other guy if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the second. "I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round, to Ireland." "Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks. The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink, to Dublin!" Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!" About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

140 posted on 11/28/2001 11:04:19 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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