Skip to comments.I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!
Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.
Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!
I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.
I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.
good one :-)
Correct! Using my photoshop I created a Bedrock version of Tourist Guy (took me a whole day) and then I placed him in a pic with Fred and Barney.
Fpr many, many more of my tourist guy pics, go here (only a small handful are pics that were sent to me for my site, 99% of the others are my creation):
Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"
Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own f'ng business."
A doctor walks up to the nurses station, reaches into his shirt pocket for his pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Dangit, some @sshole's got my pen"..
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,... "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,... "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"
About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, expelling gas, and says... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"
Get well soon! Sincerely,
Presdent George Bush. - Yehuda
I guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from clear plastic wrap.
The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can truely see your nuts!"
Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Sara who has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I'm not an atheist."
"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Sara why she is Jewish.
"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God. My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?"
A pause, and a smile. "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."
So the Devil appears to this lawyer, and says, "Take my deal, and I will give you everything you could possibly dream of!"
Lawyer says, "Like what? I can dream a lot."
The Devil says, "I will give you all the money you can ever want. I will make you the leading man in your profession. Your colleagues will all admire you, your opponents will all fear you, women will all desire you. You will have fame, power, and material possessions to blast the imagination."
The lawyer says, "What's the price?"
The Devil says, "Your soul."
The lawyer considers a moment. Then he says, "And what's the catch?"
Ok, here's one for y'all.
Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.
"This is the maid," answers the woman.
"We don't have a maid," says the man.
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she's with."
The maid puts the phone down, the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."
After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?
A: Cut the rope.
I know. Sorry
"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"
"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."
"Sounds easy enough. OK."
So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"
The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."
Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.
"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."
Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"
"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."
Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"
The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"
SAVE THE MALES!
Long-faced hoarse-throated Bump. Ah, but you don't understand: On this thread, you only have to save a joke to tell a soul.
Walk him and pitch to the Elephant!!!
I'm sitting here, with tears of laughter streaming down my red cheeks reading these fabulous jokes, and see *your* story.
Now, THAT was funny!
To see a man lay a brick!
Two guys alone in a bar. The first guy asks the other guy if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the second. "I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round, to Ireland." "Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks. The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink, to Dublin!" Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!" About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."
My thoughts are with her.
Farmer asks, "Why the horse throat?"
He replies, "It's a long story ...."
Bill, Hillary, and Al suddenly wake up and find themselves in the land of Oz. After looking around a bit, Hillary says, "This is great! I'm going to go find the Wizard and ask him to give me a heart." Al says, "That's a great idea. I'm going to go find the Wizard and ask him to give me a brain." Bill is still looking around and finally says, "Where's Dorothy?"
The bartender doesn't answer but instead pulls out an old, beat-up antique lamp and says, "Give her a rub." So the man rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says, "For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish." The man looks at the bartender who nods that it's OK. So the man says, "I wish for a million bucks."
"Done!" says the genie who promptly disappears. The man looks around a little confused, but doesn't see anything. He starts to pull out his wallet to see if the money is in there when suddenly the bar is filled with a million flying, quacking ducks. Everyone in the bar panics and starts shoving ducks out the door as fast as they can.
Finally all the ducks are gone. The man turns to the bartender and says, "Gee, I'm really sorry. I didn't ask that crazy genie for a million ducks." The bartender answers, "Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Prayers for your mother.
"Oh, not again!", she complains, "I guess that means I'm going to have to spend this weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air!"
The blonde turns to the brunette with a puzzled look on her face and asks, "Don't you have a vase?"
Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.
When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.
She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"
"Honey, I'm hungry. I want some dessert."
"What would you like dear"--says the wife.
He hands her a pen and a piece of paper--"Here write this down"-- he says.
"Write what down?"--asks the wife, puzzled.
"Write down what I want to eat."--he responds.
The wife gets a little agitated.
"Why on Earth would I need to write anything down?"--she says, voice rising.
"Because dear, lately you've been a little forgetful"--he replies.
"Poppycock!"--she says--"you know good and well that I do not forget things."
"Honey"--he says in a weary voice--"just write it down, please. You do get a little confused sometimes."
"Just tell me what you want!--her voice is now sounding angry.
He sighs loudly and gives in--"OK, I want a bowl of vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup, and walnuts over it...honey, please write it down>"--he pleads with her.
"No!"--she says and storms off into the kitchen.
A few moments later she walks out, and plops a plate with a ham and cheese sandwich on it on the end table next to her husband.
The husband looks down and lets out a loud, exasperated sigh.
"You see! I TOLD you to write it down! But you? You never listen!"
"And what exactly is wrong?--she asks.
With a flourish, he lifts the top piece of bread and points to the sandwich.
"WHERE"S MY PICKLE!?!?!?!?"
Because there are Targets all over the place...