I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

[ChemistCat]

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.

[ChemistCat]

Oh--my Dad can print out images as easily as text, so cartoons would be welcome too. THANKS.

[lowbridge]

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the other side!!! :-)

[Timesink]

So this seal walks into a club.

[lowbridge]

[Cool Guy]

A priest was seated next to Ex-President Clinton on a recent flight. After the plane was airborne, the flight attendant came around for drink orders.

The Ex-President asked for a whisky & soda, and the flight attendant asked the priest if he would also like a drink. The priest replied in disgust, "Ma'am, I'd rather be savagely raped by a brazen whore than let liquor touch these lips!"

The Ex-President then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know there was a choice..."

[coloradan]

FR search for "joke" threads. Try the one about blondes.

[July 4th]

Most politically incorrect bumper sticker:

Nuke the Homeless Gay Whales

[lowbridge]

[zeaal]

I am jokeless ... but, will bump this around for a laugh.

Blessings for a speedy and complete and painless recovery.

[coloradan]

A termite walks into a saloon, and asks "Is the bar tender here?"

[SharonLorraine]

I hope this doesn't get me banned but here goes... What's the best pick up line in a gay bar? May I push in your stool?

[tacticalogic]

What happens when you give a lawyer viagra?

He gets taller.

[11B3]

Go to this site - you'll be there for hours. Jokes

That manipulation of her knee is VITAL to the surgery being a success - so is the physical therapy that follows it. IF YOU REALLY LOVE HER, MAKE SURE THAT SHE FOLLOWS UP WITH THE EXERCISES. IF NOT, SHE'LL BE IN A WHEELCHAIR FOR THE REST OF HER LIFE. I've got a friend that got lazy after her surgery, and that's where she's spending the rest of hers - at age 42. The therapy hurts like hell - but the alternative is much worse.

I wish her the best of luck - she's going to need your help.

[Cool Guy]

The Smiths were dining out when his wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Honey," she said as she pointed the guy out, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband say, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

[Tall_Texan]

There was a woman who once had a knee operation (stop me if you've heard this before) and they put her in this contraption that keeps the knee moving for the entire night. It's really painful. (here comes the good part) So the doctor walks in to the room to check on her and she asks the doctor "will this make my knee good as new?" (tee hee - this is gonna kill ya!) and the doctor says "your knee? I thought we were preparing you for labor!"

[xm177e2]

Good luck with your recovery!

[notyourregularhandle]

Bin Laden's PEE PEE

MY PEE PEE

[alcuin]

Rivero has a lot of funny stuff on What Really Happened?.

[capitan_refugio]

Saddam Hussein and President Bush met to work out Middle East problems. Hussein says to Bush, "You know Mr. President, I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I was traveling through your country and that in every window of every business, school, and home there were signs that read, "Welcome Saddam, Beloved Leader!" What do you think of that?"

President Bush responded, "That's very ironic. I, too, had a dream last night! I dreamed that I was traveling through Iraq. All of the schools and factories had been rebuilt. The children looked well-fed and happy. The people were smiling. And in every window of every business, school, and home there were signs."

Saddam then asked, "What did the signs say?"

Bush answered, "I don't know. I can't read Hebrew!"