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I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat

My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.

Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!

I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.

I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: jokes
Navigation: use the links below to view more comments.
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To: ChemistCat
A man who suspected his wife of cheating came home from work early one day. Sure enough, his wife was naked and the bed was unkempt. "Where is he!" The man shouted, "I know he's still here." The man looked around the apartment then checked the balcony, where he found Colin Powell hanging from the railing.

In a rage the man pushed Colin Powell off the 15th floor balcony. When he peered over the edge and saw that Colin Powell had survived the fall, he went into the kitchen, pushed the refrigerator onto the balcony and over the edge. The refrigerator landed on Colin Powell and killed him.

At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter asked Mr. Powell how he got there. Mr. Powell said, "I was lifting weights on the balcony of my 16th floor apartment. I slipped and fell over the edge but was fortunate enough to grab onto the balcony railing of the apartment below me. Then this crazy guy pushed me off. I barely survived the fall, then the maniac threw a refrigerator on me, and here I am." St. Peter said, "OK, then you can come in." A moment later Bill Clinton arrived at the Pearly Gates, and St. Peter asked him how he got there. Bill Clinton said, "OK, picture this. I'm naked in a refrigerator...."

51 posted on 11/27/2001 10:23:45 PM PST by schmelvin
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To: ChemistCat
A nun, a rabbi and a circus clown walk into a bar. The bartender looks at them and says, "what is this, some kind of a joke?"
52 posted on 11/27/2001 10:45:35 PM PST by Beernoser
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To: ChemistCat
A woman asks the pharmacist, "Do you have Viagra?"

"Yes," he says.

She says, "Does it work?"

"Yes."

"Can you get it over the counter?"

And he says, "I can if I take two!"


God bless your mom. Tell her I said shake a leg and get well!

53 posted on 11/27/2001 10:56:20 PM PST by smorgle
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To: ChemistCat
A guy's car has a flat tire next to an insane asylum. A guy in a straight jacket comes over to the fence and watches while the driver changes the tire. The driver gets nervous, and accidently knocks the tire's lug nuts into the storm drain.

"Great!" says the driver. "What do I do now?"

The guy in the straight jacket says, "Take a nut off the other three wheels and put them on this one. Then drive at low speed until you get to a garage and can buy replacements."

The driver brightens up -- but then frowns. "Hey -- if you can think up good ideas like that, how come you're in an insane asylum?"

The guy in the straight jacket replies, "I'm in here because I'm crazy -- not because I'm stupid."

(This joke also explains why we're here on Free Republic instead of running the country!)

54 posted on 11/27/2001 11:10:39 PM PST by JoeSchem
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To: capitan_refugio
BTTT Love that one! :0)
55 posted on 11/27/2001 11:19:36 PM PST by brat
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To: ChemistCat
I hope your mom gets better soon!!........

A bartender in a local bar approaches his new,never before seen customer to take his order."What may I get you this evening?"the bartender asks.The somewhat already cocktailed customer replies;"Fix everybody in this place a drink,fix yourself a drink,and make me a double martini!!"

The bartender gets to work.He makes the dozen or so patrons in the bar their drinks,delivers them,makes himself a cocktail,makes the double martini,and delivers the drink to the customer with the tab for the whole round,and says to him,"OK sir,that will be $28.95",to which the customer replies to the bartender"I don't have any money!!"

The bartender, very upset that this is going to come out of his own pocket,without a word comes from behind the bar,and grabbing the deadbeat cocktailed customer by the collar,drags him to the front door,pushes the door open,and kicks the customer in the rearend,which puts the drunken customer face down on the sidewalk in front of the establishment.Dusting his hands off,the bartender returns to his work.

Two days later,the same customer,in the same cocktailed condition as his last visit,enters the bar with the same bartender on duty.Having been the "victim"of the drunk's first visit,the bartender takes the second visit head-on.

"What will it be tonite?"the bartender enquires.The customer drunkenly replies;"Fix everybody in this place a drink,and make me a double martini!!" Noting that the order was slightly different than it was from their first encounter(and in no way was going to be completed)the bartender inquires;"What's the matter big spender,aren't ya gonna buy me a drink tonite also??"

......to which the drunk replies;"ARE YOU KIDDING???YOU GET VIOLENT WHEN YOU DRINK!!!"

56 posted on 11/28/2001 12:19:02 AM PST by musicman
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To: ChemistCat
A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

hyuk hyuk

57 posted on 11/28/2001 12:32:32 AM PST by BikerTrash
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To: crypt2k
Thread nanny! Thread nanny! Why don't you come over here and tell them what bad people they are! Imagine, a JOKE thread! Oh, the shame.
58 posted on 11/28/2001 12:35:42 AM PST by Bella_Bru
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To: smorgle; ChemistCat
Tell her I said shake a leg. . .

Ah, you must be the physical therapist.

59 posted on 11/28/2001 1:02:08 AM PST by Flyer
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To: pistola; ChemistCat
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents." !!!

= = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = =

The Israeli police were looking for a man named Joseph, wanted for looting in the port city of Haifa. The suspect was described as the son of a Barcelona ex-nun and a German father. He was a former flutist, and he worked occasionally as a farmer.

In short, he was "A Haifa-lootin', flutin' Teuton, son-of-a-nun from Barcelona, part-time plowboy Joe." !!!

60 posted on 11/28/2001 1:02:23 AM PST by GeekDejure
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To: lowbridge
Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the raccoon and the armadillo that it could be done.

61 posted on 11/28/2001 1:15:18 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: ChemistCat
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farmer but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW 328i back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives forward saving him from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and the horse were playing in the meadow again. This time the chicken fell in the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole." So he stretched over the width of the hole and said "grab my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW 328i to pick up chicks.
62 posted on 11/28/2001 2:20:03 AM PST by Ron H.
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To: ChemistCat
I always liked this one from Dave Barry: "If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infants life, she will always choose to save the child without ever considering if there are men on base"

No woman I have ever met thinks its funny, but guys like it.

Regards,

63 posted on 11/28/2001 2:20:42 AM PST by Jimmy Valentine
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To: ChemistCat

64 posted on 11/28/2001 2:27:39 AM PST by struwwelpeter
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To: struwwelpeter
Stole from Imus, who probably stole from someone else..

What do you call a Taliban soldier wearing a heroism medal.. a thief!

You know the life guard was off duty in that gene pool!

I took an IQ test, and it came back negative!

65 posted on 11/28/2001 2:45:08 AM PST by operation clinton cleanup
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To: schmelvin
Ok, ok, Bill Clinton joke time? Try this one...

Clinton and Pope John Paul II die on the same day and through an administrative screw up the Pope winds up at the gates of hell. Satan recognizes the Pope and asks what he did to deserver eternal damnation. The Pope allows that he doesn't really know, so Satan goes and checks. He comes back a few minutes later, all apologetic, and explains the mix up. "I'll fix it," Satan says, "But it will take about a day for the paper work to go through." "No problem," replies the Pope. So he spends his day ministering to the tormented souls of hell.

The next morning Satan takes the Pope to a long escalator, shakes his hand, wishes him well, and sends him up. Hald way up to heaven he meets Clinton on his way down. They stop and chat for a moment. Clinton assures the Pope that Heaven IS all it's cracked up to be and asks the Pope what he is most looking forward to. "Well," says the Pope, "In Poland we have a deep spiritual attachment to Mother Mary. I suppose that the one thing I'm most looking forward to is to be able to convers with the Blessed Virgin herself."

Clinton smiles, turns to go and says, "You're a day late."

66 posted on 11/28/2001 3:27:10 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: Non-Sequitur
Bill Clinton and Al Gore are fishing. Al asks Bill "What's the first thing you are going to do when you get back home" and Bill responds "I'm going to walk into the bedroom and rip Hillary's panties off". "Are you sure that's a good idea?" asks Al and Bill responds "I have to. They're cutting off the circulation to my legs".
67 posted on 11/28/2001 3:37:45 AM PST by AppyPappy
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To: ChemistCat
A blonde just purchased a new car. Full of pride in her purchase, she was seen proudly driving the car all over town. One day, a cop noticed her pulling the new car over to the side of the road. She jumped out and opened the trunk. Out came 3 men in trench coats that she lined up on the side of the road. Then she told them to open their coats and the cop saw that all 3 were naked. Bemused, he drove his squadcar over behind the woman's spectacle and got out to address her. "Lady what do you think you're doing with this show of these 3 men here. They're naked!" She replied "Officer these are my emergency flashers."
68 posted on 11/28/2001 3:39:37 AM PST by Ptaz
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To: ChemistCat
A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church.
He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat.
The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours.
The priest agrees.
The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before, to which the priest says no.
He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot father".

After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat.
The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?"
Fisherman: (THINKING QUICKLY) "I'm sorry father, but that's what this fish is called - a sonofabitch!"
Priest: "Oh, I'm sorry - I didn't know."

After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the bishop.
Priest: "Look at this big sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Please, mind your language, this is a house of God."
Priest: "No, you don't understand - that's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "Hmmm. You know, I could clean this sonofabitch and we could have it for dinner."
So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to the head mother.
Bishop: "Could you cook this sonofabitch for dinner tonight?"
Head Mother: "My lord, what language!"
Bishop: "No, sister, that's what the fish is called - a sonofabitch!
Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."
Head Mother: "Hmmm. Yes, I'll cook that sonofabitch tonight."
Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great.
He asks where they got it.
Priest: "I caught the sonofabitch!"
Bishop: "And I cleaned the sonofabitch!"
Head Mother: "And I cooked the sonofabitch!"

  The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says,

  "You know, you f***ers are alright."

69 posted on 11/28/2001 3:43:07 AM PST by damnlimey
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To: petuniasevan
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

The question is moot. As part of his campaign to fight high energy costs, Greyout Davis signed the Sheeple Protection Act of 2001, which bans light bulbs.

70 posted on 11/28/2001 3:45:45 AM PST by Lizavetta
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To: farmfriend; ChemistCat
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 96. One to screw in the light bulb and 95 to file the environmental impact reports.

The correct answer is: NONE. Californians don't screw in light bulbs, they screw in hot tubs.

What do you call a blonde in a motorcycle jacket? A rebel without a clue.

Garde la Foi, mes amis! Nous nous sommes les sauveurs de la République! Maintenant et Toujours!
(Keep the Faith, my friends! We are the saviors of the Republic! Now and Forever!)

LoanPalm, le Républicain du verre cassé (The Broken Glass Republican)

71 posted on 11/28/2001 3:48:38 AM PST by LonePalm
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To: ChemistCat
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender sees him and asks, "Why the long face?"
72 posted on 11/28/2001 3:56:40 AM PST by Libloather
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To: ChemistCat
Here's a great medical joke:

"But doctor, I can't afford $5,000 for an operation? What can I do?"

"Well, for $20 I can touch up your x-rays."

73 posted on 11/28/2001 4:02:40 AM PST by Chemnitz
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To: ChemistCat
Texas Chili Cook Off (Humor - Warning: Rough Language)

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast: Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy Chit, what the he!! is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting Chit-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb sow is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pizzes me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that sow Sally. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like chit, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

74 posted on 11/28/2001 4:06:26 AM PST by richandfamous
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To: ChemistCat
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh S**t! Am I driving?"

75 posted on 11/28/2001 4:24:09 AM PST by ShadowAce
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To: ChemistCat
The Pope is doing a crossword puzzle. He leans over to a nearby Cardinal,

Pope: Hey Cardinal, what's a four-letter word for a woman ending in _UNT?

Cardinal: Umm... AUNT.

Pope: Oh, OK. Got an eraser?

76 posted on 11/28/2001 4:41:44 AM PST by Jhensy
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To: ChemistCat
This Penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender: "Have you seen my Dad?"

The bartender says to the Penguin: "I don't know. [pause, as he looks around the room]. What does he look like?"

77 posted on 11/28/2001 4:49:53 AM PST by Graewoulf
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To: Graewoulf
Penguine jokes? I got penguine jokes.

A penguine is driving through the countryside when he develops car trouble. He makes it to the next small town and sputters into the service station. He explains the problem and the mechanic says he'll look at it and suggests that the penguin come back in half an hour.

The penguin wanders around town and, since it is a hot day, pops into an ice cream shop and has a cone. When he gets back to the garage the mechanic has the hood up and is completing his inspection.

The mechanic said, "You blew a seal."

"No," said the penguin wiping his face, "It's only ice cream."

78 posted on 11/28/2001 4:59:24 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: Non-Sequitur
What is the difference between a Penguin and a newspaper?
79 posted on 11/28/2001 5:03:39 AM PST by Graewoulf
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To: ChemistCat
I'm sorry about your mother but all that is nessary. I have gone through hip replacement surgey and all the terrorpy, excuse me, therapy is needed.

I'm 35 now and at the age 24 I lost half of my leg and had the hip messed so badly they could do any thing for it. Spent 7 years in very serve pain, but I thought suregy wasn't the answer until a friend of mine who stepped on a landmine during Korea spent twenty years in pain then finally had his leg amputated, he wished he did it earlier too. I'm so glad for the surgey for I feel much better and not in pain anymore.

The therapy might pain in the terms of inconvence but in the long run it is worth it. I'm hope i'm not bringing you down too much, just giving some prespective here.

I hope thing work out with mother, Happy Holidays :)

80 posted on 11/28/2001 5:03:40 AM PST by hobblemaster
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To: July 4th
Nuke the Gay Whales for Jesus
81 posted on 11/28/2001 5:14:53 AM PST by wordsofearnest
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To: Graewoulf
I give up?
82 posted on 11/28/2001 5:15:42 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: ChemistCat
I'm not sure if I have it right, but this is the gist of it.

A woman went for a face lift and the Dr. said there was a new technique called a "Knob". A knob is attached to the back of the neck, and everytime it looks like the skin is sagging, you simply twist the knob and the skin is pulled up a bit.

The woman said OK and consented to the surgery, and the knob was put in place on the back of her neck. Everything went fine. But one day she went back to the Dr. She said the knob was working fine and she was pleased that with a little twist of the knob, she could pull her skin up taut. BUT - she said she was developing these bags under her eyes. The Dr. said "Those aren't bags - those are your breasts!" "OH", she said ----- "Then that explains the goatee!!"

To Mom: Hope the knee replacement works fine. (I think I might be a candidate in the near/far future.) Hang in there ---everyone I've heard, who have had it done, are very pleased with the results -- once they get beyond that post-op period.

I bet you are going to be a very popular patient with the hospital staff with all these jokes! Hope you share them, so they can laugh too. LOL!

83 posted on 11/28/2001 5:16:34 AM PST by Exit148
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To: ChemistCat
How do you stop a taliban bingo game? With a B-52.
84 posted on 11/28/2001 7:20:18 AM PST by itsinthebag
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To: ChemistCat
Circa early 1940's, an Army base in the Southern U.S.

Sgt Lobo is addressing his platoon

Sgt Lobo: "Men, you have received your orders, and you're going to the Burma-Chinese theater of operations. I regret that I won't be accompanying you, but I will follow you in about 6 weeks. I have tried to teach you all how to be fine soldiers, and I think you'll do well there.

Before you go, there is one other thing I must tell you, specific to the theater.

You need to know about the HAIRY WATER SWAMP VIPER. (In singsong T.I. voice) The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."

"Private ChemistCat, tell us everything you know about the HWSV!"

Pvt ChemistCat leaps to his feet and says: SIR! The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."

Sgt Lobo: "Very good Pvt, be seated. Men, good luck, and God speed."

Off they go.

Six weeks later, Sgt Lobo arrives in-country, and visits some of his men in the hospital.

He comes to the first bed, and sees Cpl Smith. "Smith, how are you?"...etc

He visits for a time with several of the other men, when he spies a familiar name near the end of the ward. He's amazed to see it's Pvt ChemistCat.

Moving closer, he notes that ChemistCat is covered in bandages from head to toe.

Sgt Lobo: "CC, son, what the h*ll happened to you?"

Pvt ChemistCat: (in kind of pained, stressed voice) "Well Sgt, there I was, crawling through the jungle, when I saw it, 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black, poised to strike. I leapt to my feet and placed my left foot forward pointing at the snake, my right foot back and perpendicular to my left. Extended my left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extended the first two fingers of my right hand and thrust them into the *sshole of the biggest tiger I have ever seen."

This joke is best told by an ex drill instructor while standing up and demonstrating what you should be doing.

85 posted on 11/28/2001 8:46:13 AM PST by TheRealLobo
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To: lowbridge; ChemistCat
WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

PAT BUCHANAN
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.

DR. SEUSS
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY
To die. In the rain.

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

JERRY FALWELL
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the "other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.

ARISTOTLE
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

KARL MARX
It was a historical inevitability.

SADDAM HUSSEIN
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

RONALD REAGAN
What chicken?

CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before

FOX MULDER
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?

SIGMUND FREUD
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

BILL GATES
I have just released eChicken 2000. Which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

ALBERT EINSTEIN
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "crossing"? Could you define "crossing" please?

LOUIS FARRAKHAN
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed the black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

THE BIBLE
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road," and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

COLONEL SANDERS
I missed one?

AND MY FAVORITE
For foul reasons!

86 posted on 11/28/2001 8:50:43 AM PST by maxwell
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To: ChemistCat
Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse". The second barber turned to Bush and said "how about you?" Bush replied: "Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."
87 posted on 11/28/2001 8:52:28 AM PST by cajunman
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To: richandfamous; ChemistCat
RAF: Hey you stole that from ME! Don't show this one to your ma unless she has a good sense of humor, cat...

Thanksgiving holiday sayings:

1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll bust!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that!
18. That is the biggest one I have ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

88 posted on 11/28/2001 8:55:36 AM PST by maxwell
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To: Cool Guy
Why don't Pakistanis play hockey? Because when they go into the corner, they open a convenience store.
89 posted on 11/28/2001 9:00:50 AM PST by Puppage
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To: Constitution Day; dubyaismypresident; Robert A. Cook, PE; RikaStrom; Slip18; thefactor...
Hehehe... Here's one for the girls...

A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory.

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.

The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.

At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for making the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.

After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"

90 posted on 11/28/2001 9:02:25 AM PST by maxwell
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To: July 4th
It's Nuke The Homeless Gay Whales For Jesus!
91 posted on 11/28/2001 9:03:53 AM PST by ElSupremo
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To: ChemistCat
NOTE: these jokes are not directed at YOUR mother, just some imaginary fat mamma!

1. Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
2. Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
3. Yo' momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in!
4. Yo' momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun!
5. Yo' momma's so fat, her shoes have to have license plates!
6. Yo' momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized!
7. Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to Sea World, she came out with a paycheck!
8. Yo' momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
9. Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!
10. Yo' momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!
11. Yo' momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale!
12. Yo' momma's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said, "Please step out of the car!"
13. Yo' momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
14. Yo' momma's so fat, her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
15. Yo' momma's so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
16. Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
17. Yo' momma's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again!
18. Yo' momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert, the whole band skips!
19. Yo' momma's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's!
20. Yo' momma's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
21. Yo' momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall!
22. Yo' momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite, she has celluHEAVY!
23. Yo' momma's so fat, NASA hauls her to the top of a tower, pushes her off, she falls 300 feet, hits a board and launches the space shuttle...!
24. Yo' momma's so fat, she says her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator!
25. Yo' momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
26. Yo' momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
27. Yo' momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost!
28. Yo' momma's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!
29. Yo' momma's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks!
29. Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a light diet...as soon as it's light, she starts eating!
30. Yo' momma's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time!
31. Yo' momma's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half French!
32. Yo' momma's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
33.Yo' momma's so fat, they're going to use her to fill that hole in the ozone layer!

92 posted on 11/28/2001 9:04:01 AM PST by oldvike
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To: maxwell
ROTFL....
93 posted on 11/28/2001 9:04:15 AM PST by hobbes1
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To: ChemistCat
Here's an old brass and woodwinds joke:

What's the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.

94 posted on 11/28/2001 9:05:18 AM PST by Psycho_Bunny
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To: ChemistCat
From my buddy in East Texas~

The Taliban commander was down behind the hill, when this voice come over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip ten Taliban ! Send them over"

He picked his ten best, sent them over the hill, and there was about a minute of intense gun fire and explosions, then a voice came over the hill, "Hey ya'll, one Texan can whip 100 Taliban! Send them over!"

He picked his 100 best, sent them over the hill, and there was five minutes of serious gun fire and explosions, then a voice came over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip 1000 Taliban! Send them over!"

He sent his 1000 best, and the noise was incredible, machine gun fire, explosions, after ten minutes it stopped, and a voice came over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip 5000 Taliban! Send them over!"

At that moment a Taliban crawled back over the hill, shot full of holes, he warned them, "Go back, its a trap! There are two of them!"

95 posted on 11/28/2001 9:05:34 AM PST by Patria One
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To: ThinkLikeWaterAndReeds
FreeRepublic Humor Break

Read #138


96 posted on 11/28/2001 9:11:35 AM PST by Giddyupgo
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To: notyourregularhandle; ChemistCat

DOES Anybody....anybody?
...have a question that isn't asinine, sophomoric, foolish, callow, absurd, muddleheaded, witless, selfserving, or placing our troops at risk ....or the usual America at fault line....anybody????

Hmmmmmmm....Ok.... this press conference is concluded, see you tomorrow...

97 posted on 11/28/2001 9:15:22 AM PST by Stand Watch Listen
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To: ChemistCat
Sent to me today:
A client brought a litter of golden retriever puppies to my veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming. As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, I realized it would be difficult to tell the treated ones from the rest. So, I turned on the water faucet, wet my fingers, and moistened each dog's head when I had finished.

After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."

98 posted on 11/28/2001 9:16:14 AM PST by FR_addict
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To: ChemistCat
A termite walks into a bar and says "Is the bar tender here?"
99 posted on 11/28/2001 9:18:19 AM PST by DouglasKC
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To: ChemistCat
It was the first night of the young newlyweds' honeymoon and they started to get undressed in front of each other for the first time. (This is an old joke). The groom took off his shoes and socks.

"Oh my God," exclaimed the bride. "What happened to your toes? They're so deformed. I've never seen anything like it!"

"Oh, that's nothing," said the groom. "When I was a boy I had Toe-lio."

"Do you mean, polio?" asked the bride.

"No, Toe-lio," said the groom.

Next, the groom removed his trousers.

"My God! Your knees," gasped the bride. "What happended to your knees?"

"Oh, they're fine," replied the groom. "I just had a case of the Kneesles once, that's all."

"Do you mean the measles?" asked the bride. "No, the Kneesles," repeated the groom.

Next, the groom pulled off his underwear.

"Let me guess," said the bride with a disappointed look on her face. "Small c____s?" (Rhymes with pox)

100 posted on 11/28/2001 9:18:36 AM PST by Atticus
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