Skip to comments.I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!
Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat
My Mom had knee replacement surgery today and they have her leg hooked up to a machine that is going to move it for her all night long. I have no idea why she's being subjected to THAT torture; it must be necessary though. Despite substantial pain meds, she's pretty miserable.
Since laughter is a powerful curative agent, I'm seeking the funniest jokes out there; hopefully by tomorrow she'll be able to try to distract herself from the pain! One good thing is that she seems to be unable to remember anything that happened five minutes ago, so she can get a lot of mileage out of a few good jokes!
I might add that she is not religious, and many jokes that will offend ME will not offend her in the least. Don't risk being banned though! These are for her, not for me. THANK YOU for jokes, and prayers if you have them too.
I might add that she's VERY much a conservative Republican politically, and shares the FReeper point of view even if she doesn't FReep.
A woman went for a face lift and the Dr. said there was a new technique called a "Knob". A knob is attached to the back of the neck, and everytime it looks like the skin is sagging, you simply twist the knob and the skin is pulled up a bit.
The woman said OK and consented to the surgery, and the knob was put in place on the back of her neck. Everything went fine. But one day she went back to the Dr. She said the knob was working fine and she was pleased that with a little twist of the knob, she could pull her skin up taut. BUT - she said she was developing these bags under her eyes. The Dr. said "Those aren't bags - those are your breasts!" "OH", she said ----- "Then that explains the goatee!!"
To Mom: Hope the knee replacement works fine. (I think I might be a candidate in the near/far future.) Hang in there ---everyone I've heard, who have had it done, are very pleased with the results -- once they get beyond that post-op period.
I bet you are going to be a very popular patient with the hospital staff with all these jokes! Hope you share them, so they can laugh too. LOL!
Sgt Lobo is addressing his platoon
Sgt Lobo: "Men, you have received your orders, and you're going to the Burma-Chinese theater of operations. I regret that I won't be accompanying you, but I will follow you in about 6 weeks. I have tried to teach you all how to be fine soldiers, and I think you'll do well there.
Before you go, there is one other thing I must tell you, specific to the theater.
You need to know about the HAIRY WATER SWAMP VIPER. (In singsong T.I. voice) The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."
"Private ChemistCat, tell us everything you know about the HWSV!"
Pvt ChemistCat leaps to his feet and says: SIR! The hairy water swamp viper is 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black. If you are crawling through the jungle, and you see the HWSV poised to strike, there is one and only one thing you can do. You must leap to your feet and place your left foot forward pointing at the snake, your right foot back and perpendicular to you left. Extend your left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extend the first two fingers of your right hand and thrust them at the snake, running them along the snake, paralyzing it, rendering it harmless, and allowing you time to escape."
Sgt Lobo: "Very good Pvt, be seated. Men, good luck, and God speed."
Off they go.
Six weeks later, Sgt Lobo arrives in-country, and visits some of his men in the hospital.
He comes to the first bed, and sees Cpl Smith. "Smith, how are you?"...etc
He visits for a time with several of the other men, when he spies a familiar name near the end of the ward. He's amazed to see it's Pvt ChemistCat.
Moving closer, he notes that ChemistCat is covered in bandages from head to toe.
Sgt Lobo: "CC, son, what the h*ll happened to you?"
Pvt ChemistCat: (in kind of pained, stressed voice) "Well Sgt, there I was, crawling through the jungle, when I saw it, 3 to 3 and a half feet in length, inch to an inch in a quarter in diameter, covered with 3/8 inch hairs, colored orange, black, orange, black, orange, black, poised to strike. I leapt to my feet and placed my left foot forward pointing at the snake, my right foot back and perpendicular to my left. Extended my left arm forward, palm parallel and facing the ground. Extended the first two fingers of my right hand and thrust them into the *sshole of the biggest tiger I have ever seen."
This joke is best told by an ex drill instructor while standing up and demonstrating what you should be doing.
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I've not been told.
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Because the chicken was gay! Isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's what "they" call it, the "other side". Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like the "other side." That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple as that.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2000. Which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook - and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by "crossing"? Could you define "crossing" please?
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken "crossed the black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road," and the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one?
AND MY FAVORITE
For foul reasons!
Thanksgiving holiday sayings:
1. Talk about huge breasts!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's cool whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll bust!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat!
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it ?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some.
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that!
18. That is the biggest one I have ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?
A new employee is hired at the Tickle-Me-Elmo factory.
The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.
The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole line is backing up.
The foreman takes the personnel manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem. Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place.
At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of the material used for making the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles, and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.
The personnel manager starts laughing hysterically.
After several minutes, he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman, and says, "I'm sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give Elmo two test tickles!"
1. Yo' momma's so fat, when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
2. Yo' momma's so fat, she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
3. Yo' momma's so fat, whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in!
4. Yo' momma's so fat, when she lies on the beach, no one else gets sun!
5. Yo' momma's so fat, her shoes have to have license plates!
6. Yo' momma's so fat, she had to go to Sea World to get baptized!
7. Yo' momma's so fat, when she went to Sea World, she came out with a paycheck!
8. Yo' momma's so fat, when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too!
9. Yo' momma's so fat, when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house!
10. Yo' momma's so fat, she fell in love and broke it!
11. Yo' momma's so fat, the last time she saw 90210, it was on a scale!
12. Yo' momma's so fat, she stepped on a talking scale and it said, "Please step out of the car!"
13. Yo' momma's so fat, she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
14. Yo' momma's so fat, her senior pictures had to be aerial views!
15. Yo' momma's so fat, every time she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
16. Yo' momma's so fat, when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
17. Yo' momma's so fat, when she fell over, she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again!
18. Yo' momma's so fat, when she dances at a concert, the whole band skips!
19. Yo' momma's so fat, instead of Levi's 501 jeans, she wears Levi's 1002's!
20. Yo' momma's so fat, when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks!
21. Yo' momma's so fat, her picture fell off the wall!
22. Yo' momma's so fat, she don't have cellulite, she has celluHEAVY!
23. Yo' momma's so fat, NASA hauls her to the top of a tower, pushes her off, she falls 300 feet, hits a board and launches the space shuttle...!
24. Yo' momma's so fat, she says her job title is Spoon and Fork Operator!
25. Yo' momma's so fat, her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard!
26. Yo' momma's so fat, she puts mayonnaise on aspirin!
27. Yo' momma's so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost!
28. Yo' momma's so fat, her ass has its own congressman!
29. Yo' momma's so fat, "Place Your Ad Here" is printed on each of her butt cheeks!
29. Yo' momma's so fat, she went on a light diet...as soon as it's light, she starts eating!
30. Yo' momma's so fat, when she bends over, we go into daylight savings time!
31. Yo' momma's so fat, she's half Indian, half Irish, and half French!
32. Yo' momma's so fat, when she turns around, people throw her a welcome back party!
33.Yo' momma's so fat, they're going to use her to fill that hole in the ozone layer!
What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A viola burns longer.
The Taliban commander was down behind the hill, when this voice come over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip ten Taliban ! Send them over"
He picked his ten best, sent them over the hill, and there was about a minute of intense gun fire and explosions, then a voice came over the hill, "Hey ya'll, one Texan can whip 100 Taliban! Send them over!"
He picked his 100 best, sent them over the hill, and there was five minutes of serious gun fire and explosions, then a voice came over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip 1000 Taliban! Send them over!"
He sent his 1000 best, and the noise was incredible, machine gun fire, explosions, after ten minutes it stopped, and a voice came over the hill, "Hey, ya'll, one Texan can whip 5000 Taliban! Send them over!"
At that moment a Taliban crawled back over the hill, shot full of holes, he warned them, "Go back, its a trap! There are two of them!"
...have a question that isn't asinine, sophomoric, foolish, callow, absurd, muddleheaded, witless, selfserving, or placing our troops at risk ....or the usual America at fault line....anybody????
Hmmmmmmm....Ok.... this press conference is concluded, see you tomorrow...
After the fourth puppy, I noticed my talkative client had grown silent. As I sprinkled the last pup's head, the woman leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptized, too."
"Oh my God," exclaimed the bride. "What happened to your toes? They're so deformed. I've never seen anything like it!"
"Oh, that's nothing," said the groom. "When I was a boy I had Toe-lio."
"Do you mean, polio?" asked the bride.
"No, Toe-lio," said the groom.
Next, the groom removed his trousers.
"My God! Your knees," gasped the bride. "What happended to your knees?"
"Oh, they're fine," replied the groom. "I just had a case of the Kneesles once, that's all."
"Do you mean the measles?" asked the bride. "No, the Kneesles," repeated the groom.
Next, the groom pulled off his underwear.
"Let me guess," said the bride with a disappointed look on her face. "Small c____s?" (Rhymes with pox)