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I Need Your BEST Jokes ASAP! Thanks!!

Posted on 11/27/2001 9:11:11 PM PST by ChemistCat

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To: lowbridge
You know, I've seen this picture a thousand times on FR and had no idea what it was about. For no particular reason, I just realized that it is tourist guy! I figured it was an actual screen capture and hadn't realized that it could have been photoshopped! Is that correct?
101 posted on 11/28/2001 9:21:27 AM PST by bluefish
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To: cajunman
Bush and Bill Clinton somehow ended up at the same barber shop. As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics. As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Clinton in his chair reached for the aftershave. Clinton was quick to stop him saying, " No thanks, my wife Hillary will smell that and think I've been in a whorehouse". The second barber turned to Bush and said "how about you?" Bush replied: "Go ahead, my wife Laura doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

good one :-)

102 posted on 11/28/2001 9:23:33 AM PST by lowbridge
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To: bluefish
You know, I've seen this picture a thousand times on FR and had no idea what it was about. For no particular reason, I just realized that it is tourist guy! I figured it was an actual screen capture and hadn't realized that it could have been photoshopped! Is that correct?

Correct! Using my photoshop I created a Bedrock version of Tourist Guy (took me a whole day) and then I placed him in a pic with Fred and Barney.

Fpr many, many more of my tourist guy pics, go here (only a small handful are pics that were sent to me for my site, 99% of the others are my creation):

http://www.megaone.com/bmovies/touristguy.html


103 posted on 11/28/2001 9:31:36 AM PST by lowbridge
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To: ChemistCat
Little Guido was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you? It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."

Little Guido replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six candy bars at a time?"

Little Guido answered, "No, he minded his own f'ng business."

104 posted on 11/28/2001 9:34:18 AM PST by fuzzthatwuz
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To: ChemistCat
Ok, one medical joke

A doctor walks up to the nurses station, reaches into his shirt pocket for his pen to write a prescription and pulls out a rectal thermometer and says, "Dangit, some @sshole's got my pen"..

105 posted on 11/28/2001 9:34:56 AM PST by Brewer
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To: ChemistCat
Last one, promise!!

An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City office building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator smelling like expensive perfume, turns to the old woman and says arrogantly,... "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says,... "Channel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destiny and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, expelling gas, and says... "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound!!!"

106 posted on 11/28/2001 9:37:31 AM PST by fuzzthatwuz
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To: ChemistCat
WHY MEN ARE NOT SECRETARIES

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

Someone from the Guyna College called.
They said Pabst beer is normal.
107 posted on 11/28/2001 9:38:01 AM PST by Stone Mountain
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To: ChemistCat

Q = WHY ARE THERE NO WALMART STORES IN AFGHANISTAN?


A = BECAUSE THERE ARE ENOUGH "TARGETS" THERE ALREADY!



Sorry... I heard this one at the Thanksgiving table this year! I thought it was funny!
108 posted on 11/28/2001 9:39:44 AM PST by stlnative
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To: coloradan
termite...whoah....
109 posted on 11/28/2001 9:40:17 AM PST by Yehuda
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To: ChemistCat
Ramadan Dinner at the White House

Get well soon! Sincerely, Presdent George Bush. - Yehuda

110 posted on 11/28/2001 9:46:40 AM PST by Yehuda
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To: notyourregularhandle
LOL!
111 posted on 11/28/2001 9:53:49 AM PST by Yehuda
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To: GeekDejure
honda...Oh man...!
112 posted on 11/28/2001 9:59:25 AM PST by Yehuda
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To: GeekDejure
honda...Oh man...!
113 posted on 11/28/2001 9:59:33 AM PST by Yehuda
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To: ChemistCat
OK...first, thank you FReepers for this HUGE breath-of-fresh air. I'll add a joke before logging off due to the fact that my brain cells are about to reach critical mass:

I guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but a pair of shorts made from clear plastic wrap.

The psychiatrist says, "Well, I can truely see your nuts!"

114 posted on 11/28/2001 10:02:56 AM PST by cake_crumb
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To: ChemistCat; onyx; Lent; 2sheep
A young woman teacher explains to her class of children that she is an atheist.  She asks her class if they are atheists too.

Not really knowing what atheism is but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fleshy fireworks.  There is, however, one exception.  A girl named Sara who has not gone along with the crowd.

The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.

"Because I'm not an atheist."

"Then," asks the teacher, "what are you?"

"I'm Jewish."

The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red.  She asks Sara why she is Jewish.

"Well, I was brought up knowing and loving God.  My Mom is Jewish, and my dad is Jewish, so I am Jewish."

The teacher is now angry.  "That's no reason," she says loudly.  "What if your Mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron.  What would you be then?"

A pause, and a smile.  "Then," says Sara, "I'd be an atheist."

115 posted on 11/28/2001 10:05:29 AM PST by Yehuda
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To: Puppage
LOL! Thanks! Good one :)
116 posted on 11/28/2001 10:14:14 AM PST by Cool Guy
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To: ChemistCat
Did you hear about the plastic surgeon who hung himself? -Tom
117 posted on 11/28/2001 10:18:10 AM PST by Capt. Tom
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To: ChemistCat
A horse walks into a saloon and the bartender says, "Why the long face?"
118 posted on 11/28/2001 10:21:48 AM PST by MrConfettiMan
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To: ChemistCat
Three-legged dog walks into a saloon, says, "I'm looking for the man who shot my Pa."
119 posted on 11/28/2001 10:22:16 AM PST by QuestionBureaucracy
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To: feinswinesuksass
I can't believe you wrote that down for all to see. Hahahahahahahah! For victory & freedom!!!
120 posted on 11/28/2001 10:24:46 AM PST by Saundra Duffy
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To: ChemistCat
A man left work one Friday afternoon, but since it was payday instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys -- spending his entire paycheck. When he finally came home on Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
121 posted on 11/28/2001 10:28:49 AM PST by Delbert
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To: ChemistCat
First, the lawyer riff:

So the Devil appears to this lawyer, and says, "Take my deal, and I will give you everything you could possibly dream of!"

Lawyer says, "Like what? I can dream a lot."

The Devil says, "I will give you all the money you can ever want. I will make you the leading man in your profession. Your colleagues will all admire you, your opponents will all fear you, women will all desire you. You will have fame, power, and material possessions to blast the imagination."

The lawyer says, "What's the price?"

The Devil says, "Your soul."

The lawyer considers a moment. Then he says, "And what's the catch?"

Dan

122 posted on 11/28/2001 10:31:08 AM PST by BibChr
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To: petuniasevan
lmao! thanks=)

Ok, here's one for y'all.

Q: What's brown and sticky?
A: A stick.

123 posted on 11/28/2001 10:33:25 AM PST by Serb5150
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To: ChemistCat
A guy dials his home and a strange woman answers. The guy says, " Who is this?"

"This is the maid," answers the woman.

"We don't have a maid," says the man.

The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house."

The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"

The woman replies, "She is upstairs in bed with someone who I figured was her husband."

The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"

The maid says, "What will I have to do?"

The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot her and the jerk she's with."

The maid puts the phone down, the man hears footsteps and the 2 gun shots.

The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"

The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."

Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool."

After a long pause the man says, "Is this 832-4821?

124 posted on 11/28/2001 10:33:37 AM PST by Mackey
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To: ChemistCat
An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Scotsman are each enjoying a pint of Guinness on the patio. A fly lands in each glass. The Scotsman just drinks it down, fly and all, oblivious. The Englishman casually flicks the fly away, and keeps drinking. The Irishman grabs the fly and holds it over his glass, shouting, 'Spit it out, you bastard!!'
125 posted on 11/28/2001 10:33:54 AM PST by my_pointy_head_is_sharp
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To: Lazamataz
Come join the fun before the thread is deleted.
126 posted on 11/28/2001 10:34:54 AM PST by dr gene scott
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To: my_pointy_head_is_sharp
Q: How do you get Osama Ben Hidin out of a tree?

A: Cut the rope.

127 posted on 11/28/2001 10:36:01 AM PST by McGruff
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To: Non-Sequitur
Let's not forget the opossum!!
128 posted on 11/28/2001 10:38:25 AM PST by mommybain
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To: Conservative independent
A man walks into a chinese laundry named McNalley's and asks the owner why if he is chinese did he name his laundry McNalley's? The chinese man explains that years ago as he entered the U.S. he was in a long line and the inspector would question each person, name, country of origin, etc. and the man just before him was asked his name, "McNalley" he said. So when they ask for my name I tell them Sam Ting. So they write McNalley.

I know. Sorry

129 posted on 11/28/2001 10:40:40 AM PST by mc5cents
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To: ChemistCat
My mom had knee surgery a few years ago and had to have her leg in the same contraption. Be sure she keeps up with her exercises and does them the exact way the dr. and phys. therapist tells her to. My mom didn't understand a few of them and the dr. had to literally rip apart the scar tissue that had built up - it was horribly painful to mom. It worked though, and she was able to walk fine but the healing process was very painful.
130 posted on 11/28/2001 10:43:13 AM PST by bcollinsCA
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To: ChemistCat
I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but I will certainly pray for your mom, and I have enjoyed everyone else's jokes.
131 posted on 11/28/2001 10:43:47 AM PST by kassie
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To: cake_crumb
St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?"

"Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?"

"Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven."

"Sounds easy enough. OK."

So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?"

The old man replied, "I was a carpenter."

Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked.

"Yes, I had a son, but I lost him."

Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost your son? Can you tell me about him?"

"Well, he had holes in his hands and feet."

Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?"

The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

132 posted on 11/28/2001 10:45:11 AM PST by Mackey
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To: A2J
BUMP
133 posted on 11/28/2001 10:46:41 AM PST by shaggy eel
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To: 11B3
Funniest bumper sticker I've seen in a while...

SAVE THE MALES!

134 posted on 11/28/2001 10:47:42 AM PST by TX Bluebonnet
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To: kassie
... "I can't tell a joke to save my soul, but I will certainly pray for your mom, and I have enjoyed everyone else's jokes."

Long-faced hoarse-throated Bump. Ah, but you don't understand: On this thread, you only have to save a joke to tell a soul.

135 posted on 11/28/2001 10:50:17 AM PST by Robert A. Cook, PE
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To: ChemistCat
What do you do with a Giraffe with three balls???

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Walk him and pitch to the Elephant!!!

136 posted on 11/28/2001 10:54:18 AM PST by NY.SS-Bar9
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To: ATOMIC_PUNK
Very good! Sure to get passed around. E-mail is a wonderful thing. 8-)
137 posted on 11/28/2001 10:55:37 AM PST by Tinman
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To: hobblemaster
Jesus, this is a JOKE THREAD!

I'm sitting here, with tears of laughter streaming down my red cheeks reading these fabulous jokes, and see *your* story.

Now, THAT was funny!

138 posted on 11/28/2001 10:57:22 AM PST by DCPatriot
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To: lowbridge
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side!!! :-)

Nope.
To see a man lay a brick!

139 posted on 11/28/2001 11:04:05 AM PST by Publius6961
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To: ChemistCat
Here's one you can even tell your grandmother...

Two guys alone in a bar. The first guy asks the other guy if he can buy him a drink. "Of course," comes the reply. The first man then asks him, "Where are you from?" "Ireland," replies the second. "I'm from Ireland, too! Let's have another round, to Ireland." "Cheers!" replies the other, and they both toss back their drinks. The first man asks, "Where in Ireland are you from?" "Dublin," comes the reply. "I can't believe it!" says the first man. "I'm from Dublin, too! Let's have another drink, to Dublin!" Then the first man asks, "What school did you go to?" "St. Mary's," replies the second. "I graduated in '65." "This is unbelievable," the first man says. "I went to St. Mary's and graduated in '65, too!" About this time another man sits down at the bar. "What's going on?" he asks the bartender. "Not much," he replies. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

140 posted on 11/28/2001 11:04:19 AM PST by Non-Sequitur
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To: ChemistCat
My 40 year old wife has had 23 knee surguries so far and I can tell you without question that the passive motion machine is essential to her speedy recovery. I would caution her to be sure that she does it for as long and as far as the Doc wants and to be sure not to do shortcuts, it makes a huge difference down the road.

My thoughts are with her.

knews hound

141 posted on 11/28/2001 11:08:29 AM PST by knews_hound
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To: MrConfettiMan; ChemistCat
Bartender walks in a barn and can barely croak as he asks for a lemonade.

Farmer asks, "Why the horse throat?"

He replies, "It's a long story ...."

142 posted on 11/28/2001 11:10:55 AM PST by Robert A. Cook, PE
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To: ChemistCat
OK. It took a long time but I have two that haven't been told already.

Bill, Hillary, and Al suddenly wake up and find themselves in the land of Oz. After looking around a bit, Hillary says, "This is great! I'm going to go find the Wizard and ask him to give me a heart." Al says, "That's a great idea. I'm going to go find the Wizard and ask him to give me a brain." Bill is still looking around and finally says, "Where's Dorothy?"


This guy walks into a bar and hears some lovely music coming from the piano, but he can't see anyone playing anything. He goes to take a closer look and sees a foot-tall man, standing at the stool, playing perfect piano. Astonished the guy walks over to the bar and asks the bartender, "What's with the piano player?"

The bartender doesn't answer but instead pulls out an old, beat-up antique lamp and says, "Give her a rub." So the man rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. The genie says, "For freeing me from the lamp, I will grant you one wish." The man looks at the bartender who nods that it's OK. So the man says, "I wish for a million bucks."

"Done!" says the genie who promptly disappears. The man looks around a little confused, but doesn't see anything. He starts to pull out his wallet to see if the money is in there when suddenly the bar is filled with a million flying, quacking ducks. Everyone in the bar panics and starts shoving ducks out the door as fast as they can.

Finally all the ducks are gone. The man turns to the bartender and says, "Gee, I'm really sorry. I didn't ask that crazy genie for a million ducks." The bartender answers, "Do you think I asked for a twelve-inch pianist?"

Prayers for your mother.

Shalom.

143 posted on 11/28/2001 11:12:33 AM PST by ArGee
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To: Tinman
A blonde and a brunette are walking along one day and they pass a florist. The brunette looks in and sees her boyfriend buying some flowers.

"Oh, not again!", she complains, "I guess that means I'm going to have to spend this weekend flat on my back with my legs in the air!"

The blonde turns to the brunette with a puzzled look on her face and asks, "Don't you have a vase?"

144 posted on 11/28/2001 11:27:47 AM PST by Mackey
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To: DCPatriot
There's only one thing bad about losing your leg and that is you can't play football anymore. You're always a foot short.
145 posted on 11/28/2001 11:43:08 AM PST by hobblemaster
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To: ChemistCat
The Dali Lama walks over to a sidewalk hot dog vendor and sez: 'Hey pal, make me one with everything'.
146 posted on 11/28/2001 11:45:18 AM PST by martin gibson
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To: Mackey
Good one! If I tell it to my (blonde) wife, I'll probably end up like the guy in #121. 8-)

Regards

147 posted on 11/28/2001 11:46:03 AM PST by Tinman
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To: Tinman
Glad you liked it! Here's another--

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus and the blonde team rides on the top level. The brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the brunette reaches the top, she finds all the blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road and clutching the seats in front of them. They all had white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"

One of the blondes looks up and says to her, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

148 posted on 11/28/2001 11:55:09 AM PST by Mackey
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To: ChemistCat
Old couple sitting watching TV at night. Husband says:

"Honey, I'm hungry. I want some dessert."
"What would you like dear"--says the wife.
He hands her a pen and a piece of paper--"Here write this down"-- he says.
"Write what down?"--asks the wife, puzzled.
"Write down what I want to eat."--he responds.

The wife gets a little agitated.

"Why on Earth would I need to write anything down?"--she says, voice rising.
"Because dear, lately you've been a little forgetful"--he replies.

"Poppycock!"--she says--"you know good and well that I do not forget things."
"Honey"--he says in a weary voice--"just write it down, please. You do get a little confused sometimes."
"Just tell me what you want!--her voice is now sounding angry.
He sighs loudly and gives in--"OK, I want a bowl of vanilla ice cream, with chocolate syrup, and walnuts over it...honey, please write it down>"--he pleads with her.
"No!"--she says and storms off into the kitchen.

A few moments later she walks out, and plops a plate with a ham and cheese sandwich on it on the end table next to her husband.

The husband looks down and lets out a loud, exasperated sigh.

"You see! I TOLD you to write it down! But you? You never listen!"
"And what exactly is wrong?--she asks.

With a flourish, he lifts the top piece of bread and points to the sandwich.

"WHERE"S MY PICKLE!?!?!?!?"

149 posted on 11/28/2001 12:14:03 PM PST by Luis Gonzalez
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To: ChemistCat
Why aren't there any Wal-Marts in Afghanistan?

Because there are Targets all over the place...

150 posted on 11/28/2001 12:17:37 PM PST by DB
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