Skip to comments.THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!
Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade
The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!
Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.
Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.
We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.
We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.
Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.
Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.
Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.
Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.
Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.
Y'all have a nice day!
All that other stuff may be Coke, but the original is pronounced "Co-Cola."
I liked the part best about Lee. It's true. If Lee had listened to good advice, then the south probably would've continued it's string of victories and could've prevailed in that war.
But god had his hand on us then, that day and determined that the south would lose that day. I honor those in traversed that field under General Pickett. I have no respect for those Americans who don't. I feel the same way about Lee.
I am descendent from those who fought on both sides, although mostly from those who fought for the north. Regardless, real americans honor both sides.
Some people believe that because the south allowed slavery think that they were somehow bad guys. The north allowed slavery until 1820. They're not bad guys.
George Washington, Lincon and MLK counseled us as a people to work hard at binding ourselves together. Lincoln's wife was a southerner and he counseled immediate forgiveness. Real Americans follow his advice.
Some sour people in the northeast wish the south weren't even in the US, that's how bigoted they are. I much prefer living in the south. I live in AZ and very much like the fact that some NE elite consider it a redneck state even though we weren't even in the US at the time of war. US Army that was in AZ served for union side, they call us a redneck state because some southerners live here. It is a big compliment that we made redneck status in their minds.
If you hear some Good Old Boy yell "Hey Y'all, watch me do this!" get out of his way.
Those will probably be his last words and you don't want to go with him. :)
I once called a Texan girl Sissy (her family nickname).
She was pissed.
Yankhater, glad you finally joined up. You will get a kick out of this. Remember when Feldspar ordered rye bread at "The Dixie?" And we all held our breath waiting for Mary the waitress to rap his knuckles?
A lot of us in the South feel the same way!
They play football in the North?
Why don't you come up here in November, when the anti-everything liberal theives are trying to get re-elected, and HELP us northern country hicks........
KICK THEIR COLLECTIVE A$$!
I'll never forget my first trip to Houston. It was at Gerald Hines Interests at the Galeria. The Hines Senior Vice Pres. took me to lunch at the University Club. It just so happened to be secretarys day (very un PC now). I've never seen such beautiful women and what hair. Magnificent.
I look over the menu and I ask her for a Dr. Pepper. Tammy Lynn say: "Sorry, we aint gots that down heah. All we gots is coke."
I call the manager over whose name is Billy Joe (yet another stupid name) and demand to know what kind of stupid hillbillies are they that they would only serve breakfast 24 hours day. Only in the south, I tell them, would you find such idiotic business practices. Only breakfasts? Only coke? Is this a restaurant or a John Belushi cheeseburger sketch?
I ask Billy Joe directions for a better restaurant than his because I'm not in the mood for waffles in the afternoon. And I point out to Billy Joe that his place was way out in the countryside, and that he's loser to place an eatery way out in the sticks and they're all a bunch of losers for living out in the countryside.
Billy joe gives me directions to the nearest Cracker Barrel. Turn right at this civil war monument, turn right at that civil war monument, etc. I said to Billy Joe that I've seen enough of their dumb looking monuments to last me a lifetime, including that carving at Stone mountain. I got nothing but complaints about that stupid looking thing.
So I leave and head for the cracker barrel. I get there and they give me a waiter by the name of Luther. Gads, yet another hillbillie with another stupid name. I tell Luther all about my trip over there from the Waffle House. God, on the way there...it was so dirty and polluted. And, oh! The humidity! Even with my air conditioning, I couldn't handle it. I ask Luther for wheat toast...and he say "we aint gots that." So I ask him, "Well then, what do you have, you stuipid hillbilly that cant speak a proper word of english?"
"We gots grits" he answers. So I say to him, in my best faux southern accent, "Well, then...I'll have muhself a smattering of dem grits, y'all."
He disappears into the kitchen, in the meantime, I watch a dumb hillbilly hold the door open for his momma and refer to her as "ma'am." Such dumb manners. I yell out to them "Hey, why don't you hold open your own door, grandma hillbilly?"
Finally Luther returns with my plate of grits and I promptly put some sugar on it to make it taste better.
While I'm eating my sugar coated grits, I tell Luther how much better things are at home for me up North. I also ask him if there is anything better to eat than grits. Luther says "We gots our barbeecue. Best in duh south. Home made sauce an' evurything over an opun fahre."
I tell Luther "You stupid hillbilly, the proper way to cook BBQ is over a gas jet and then smother it in bottled A-1 sauce."
The doctor tells me that the cast and bandages can come off in 8 months.
Yep! Here's a few more:
Southern slang, [Y'allbonics]
ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!
The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.
Sounds to me that you got an ass kickin'! ROFLMAOPIMP!
Purt neer the ONLY sweet tea!
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of bein' right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
8. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitatin' a southern accent.
9. Get used to hearin', "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
10. People walk slower here.
11. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
12. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinkin' on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store, it's just something you're supposed to do.
18. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
19. As you are cursin' the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
20. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off tryin' to find it your own self.
In the south, tea refers to iced tea, no matter the season. Once you've ordered tea, you're given a choice by the waitress "sweet or un". If your tea is served without enough ice cubes (enough is as many as will fit in the glass before the tea is poured)you know your waitress/waiter is not from the south. It is a southerner's duty to educate that person by demanding more ice.
You are talking about South Florida (i.e. Palm Beach County, Broward, Miami Dade). That is another country. Orlando north is the South. Believe it!
That is so true. I can't stop laughing. There are more Ohio license plates than South Carolina plates in Myrtle Beach.