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THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!
via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dixie; thesouth
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1 posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
Down here it's called Coke.

All that other stuff may be Coke, but the original is pronounced "Co-Cola."

2 posted on 01/12/2002 4:01:40 PM PST by Gumlegs
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To: jslade;proudofthesouth
YOUR turn for a comment proud, LOL!
3 posted on 01/12/2002 4:04:00 PM PST by 4TheFlag
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To: Gumlegs
I happen to like an Ara-C and and Moon Pie.
4 posted on 01/12/2002 4:10:28 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
Bump!
5 posted on 01/12/2002 4:11:26 PM PST by Mizpah
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To: jslade
The best sweet tea is found only in the south!
6 posted on 01/12/2002 4:19:17 PM PST by kassie
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To: Mizpah
Thanks for the bump!
7 posted on 01/12/2002 4:22:57 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade, shuckmaster
I really liked this one. Who would want to live in the north? I know it's a nice place for visiting.

I liked the part best about Lee. It's true. If Lee had listened to good advice, then the south probably would've continued it's string of victories and could've prevailed in that war.

But god had his hand on us then, that day and determined that the south would lose that day. I honor those in traversed that field under General Pickett. I have no respect for those Americans who don't. I feel the same way about Lee.

I am descendent from those who fought on both sides, although mostly from those who fought for the north. Regardless, real americans honor both sides.

Some people believe that because the south allowed slavery think that they were somehow bad guys. The north allowed slavery until 1820. They're not bad guys.

George Washington, Lincon and MLK counseled us as a people to work hard at binding ourselves together. Lincoln's wife was a southerner and he counseled immediate forgiveness. Real Americans follow his advice.

Some sour people in the northeast wish the south weren't even in the US, that's how bigoted they are. I much prefer living in the south. I live in AZ and very much like the fact that some NE elite consider it a redneck state even though we weren't even in the US at the time of war. US Army that was in AZ served for union side, they call us a redneck state because some southerners live here. It is a big compliment that we made redneck status in their minds.

8 posted on 01/12/2002 4:25:42 PM PST by Red Jones
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To: jslade
That was great!!!!!!!!!!!!
9 posted on 01/12/2002 4:27:53 PM PST by thorshammer
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To: jslade
Don't make fun of the way we drive in snow, we'll slide into the ass end of your car and then kick yer ass.
10 posted on 01/12/2002 4:28:11 PM PST by Hilltop
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To: Hilltop
That's for sure!
11 posted on 01/12/2002 4:29:25 PM PST by thorshammer
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To: kassie
Do you know why they don't sweeten their tea in Virginia?
12 posted on 01/12/2002 4:29:49 PM PST by Howlin
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To: jslade
When you are down South, pay attention.

If you hear some Good Old Boy yell "Hey Y'all, watch me do this!" get out of his way.

Those will probably be his last words and you don't want to go with him. :)

13 posted on 01/12/2002 4:32:02 PM PST by LibKill
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To: Howlin
Do tell. It had better be funny or we'll kick yer ass.
14 posted on 01/12/2002 4:33:44 PM PST by Hilltop
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To: Hilltop
I don't know! I'm asking. I think it's blasphemy!
15 posted on 01/12/2002 4:35:31 PM PST by Howlin
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To: Red Jones
I've never been further north than Baltimore & have no intentions of going there.
16 posted on 01/12/2002 4:36:47 PM PST by shuckmaster
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To: Howlin
Being a proud resident of Alabama and possessing a giant brain I can only venture a highly educated Southern guess in response to your query. Since Virginia is for lovers, or so they say, I reckon everyone gets enough sugar there and do not require addition amounts in their cold beverage. I know, I deserve an ass kickin' for such a lame post. Think I'll go put some mayonnaise on my butter beans and eat. Flame away.
17 posted on 01/12/2002 4:39:37 PM PST by Hilltop
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To: jslade
Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

I once called a Texan girl Sissy (her family nickname).
She was pissed.

18 posted on 01/12/2002 4:41:52 PM PST by Mid-MI Student
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To: Hilltop
Ahem, I am in North Carolina; we sweeten our tea!
19 posted on 01/12/2002 4:43:03 PM PST by Howlin
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To: jslade; yankhater; flicker; Mudboy slim
Bump

Yankhater, glad you finally joined up. You will get a kick out of this. Remember when Feldspar ordered rye bread at "The Dixie?" And we all held our breath waiting for Mary the waitress to rap his knuckles?

20 posted on 01/12/2002 4:43:04 PM PST by sultan88
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To: Red Jones
Some sour people in the northeast wish the south weren't even in the US, that's how bigoted they are.

A lot of us in the South feel the same way!

21 posted on 01/12/2002 4:43:07 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
Mmmmmmmm ... Moon Pie!
22 posted on 01/12/2002 4:43:23 PM PST by Gumlegs
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To: jslade
Just check out the winners in the major college football bowls. Southern teams kicked *ss!
23 posted on 01/12/2002 4:46:58 PM PST by SeeRushToldU_So
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To: Gumlegs
Ever hear of Brother Dave Gardner? Funniest Southern humorist I have ever heard. Boy, did I just date myself.
24 posted on 01/12/2002 4:48:35 PM PST by jslade
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To: SeeRushToldU_So
Just check out the winners in the major college football bowls. Southern teams kicked *ss!

They play football in the North?

25 posted on 01/12/2002 4:51:20 PM PST by jslade
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To: Howlin
I'm in Virginia and I sho nough make sweet tea.
26 posted on 01/12/2002 4:51:51 PM PST by hd5574
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To: jslade
So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A.

Why don't you come up here in November, when the anti-everything liberal theives are trying to get re-elected, and HELP us northern country hicks........

KICK THEIR COLLECTIVE A$$!

27 posted on 01/12/2002 4:52:03 PM PST by ROCKLOBSTER
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To: jslade
Just a little tip for those visiting Texas, don't make fun of the ladies Texas hair, or we will get a rope. The wind is gonna blow the daylights out of it anyway, so we may as well leave the house pre-windblown.
28 posted on 01/12/2002 4:54:51 PM PST by MissAmericanPie
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To: Howlin
Ok, is this a joke?? No, why don't they sweeten their tea in VA? :)
Actually some of the sweetest tea has been here in Virginia Beach. When we'd ask for sweet tea in AZ or OH, they just looked at us and said, "there's sugar on the table".
29 posted on 01/12/2002 4:56:59 PM PST by kassie
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To: MissAmericanPie
Just a little tip for those visiting Texas, don't make fun of the ladies Texas hair, or we will get a rope.

I'll never forget my first trip to Houston. It was at Gerald Hines Interests at the Galeria. The Hines Senior Vice Pres. took me to lunch at the University Club. It just so happened to be secretarys day (very un PC now). I've never seen such beautiful women and what hair. Magnificent.

30 posted on 01/12/2002 5:01:10 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
Well thank you, that is a nice compliment to all Texas women.
31 posted on 01/12/2002 5:03:28 PM PST by MissAmericanPie
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To: kassie
Oh yum..........you just made me think of the Beach Pub. Now I'm hungry!!!!!
32 posted on 01/12/2002 5:04:13 PM PST by Howlin
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To: jslade
Ah, yes, I remember him, why? :-)
33 posted on 01/12/2002 5:05:29 PM PST by Howlin
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To: jslade
Oh, I remember Brother Dave! I wish I still had his records.
34 posted on 01/12/2002 5:08:39 PM PST by carenot
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To: jslade
So, I go into a Waffle House and I order a filet mignon. The name of my waitress was Tammy Lynn. A stupd name if I ever heard one. Tammy Lynn tells me that they only serve breakfast, and besides she "aint hurd a no feellay meenyung"

I look over the menu and I ask her for a Dr. Pepper. Tammy Lynn say: "Sorry, we aint gots that down heah. All we gots is coke."

I call the manager over whose name is Billy Joe (yet another stupid name) and demand to know what kind of stupid hillbillies are they that they would only serve breakfast 24 hours day. Only in the south, I tell them, would you find such idiotic business practices. Only breakfasts? Only coke? Is this a restaurant or a John Belushi cheeseburger sketch?

I ask Billy Joe directions for a better restaurant than his because I'm not in the mood for waffles in the afternoon. And I point out to Billy Joe that his place was way out in the countryside, and that he's loser to place an eatery way out in the sticks and they're all a bunch of losers for living out in the countryside.

Billy joe gives me directions to the nearest Cracker Barrel. Turn right at this civil war monument, turn right at that civil war monument, etc. I said to Billy Joe that I've seen enough of their dumb looking monuments to last me a lifetime, including that carving at Stone mountain. I got nothing but complaints about that stupid looking thing.

So I leave and head for the cracker barrel. I get there and they give me a waiter by the name of Luther. Gads, yet another hillbillie with another stupid name. I tell Luther all about my trip over there from the Waffle House. God, on the way there...it was so dirty and polluted. And, oh! The humidity! Even with my air conditioning, I couldn't handle it. I ask Luther for wheat toast...and he say "we aint gots that." So I ask him, "Well then, what do you have, you stuipid hillbilly that cant speak a proper word of english?"

"We gots grits" he answers. So I say to him, in my best faux southern accent, "Well, then...I'll have muhself a smattering of dem grits, y'all."

He disappears into the kitchen, in the meantime, I watch a dumb hillbilly hold the door open for his momma and refer to her as "ma'am." Such dumb manners. I yell out to them "Hey, why don't you hold open your own door, grandma hillbilly?"

Finally Luther returns with my plate of grits and I promptly put some sugar on it to make it taste better.

While I'm eating my sugar coated grits, I tell Luther how much better things are at home for me up North. I also ask him if there is anything better to eat than grits. Luther says "We gots our barbeecue. Best in duh south. Home made sauce an' evurything over an opun fahre."

I tell Luther "You stupid hillbilly, the proper way to cook BBQ is over a gas jet and then smother it in bottled A-1 sauce."

The doctor tells me that the cast and bandages can come off in 8 months.

35 posted on 01/12/2002 5:10:44 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: MissAmericanPie
Well, it's true. It looked like they had all just walked upstairs from Neimans. Dressed to the nines. Beautiful long hair. It must not have been easy being a "boss" in the mid 70's. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
36 posted on 01/12/2002 5:11:57 PM PST by jslade
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To: Gumlegs
"but the original is pronounced "Co-Cola."

Yep! Here's a few more:

Southern slang, [Y'allbonics]

ANY GOOD SOUTH'NER WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN PEACHES WILL UNDERSTAND EVERY SINGLE WORD BELOW!

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollar pipeline through Washington designating Southern slang, or y'allbonics, as a language to be taught in all Southern schools.


37 posted on 01/12/2002 5:14:20 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: lowbridge
The doctor tells me that the cast and bandages can come off in 8 months.

Sounds to me that you got an ass kickin'! ROFLMAOPIMP!

38 posted on 01/12/2002 5:18:26 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
too funny!!
39 posted on 01/12/2002 5:21:12 PM PST by tutstar
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To: jslade
For an intellectual, the southerner who penned this has more spelling errors than a coon has fleas.
40 posted on 01/12/2002 5:22:05 PM PST by Demidog
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To: sweetliberty
This is good.....reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally good. I know all of those words. LOL.
41 posted on 01/12/2002 5:26:01 PM PST by jslade
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To: kassie
"The best sweet tea is found only in the south!"

Purt neer the ONLY sweet tea!

42 posted on 01/12/2002 5:26:23 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: Demidog
Spellin' errors? Please elucidate.
43 posted on 01/12/2002 5:30:04 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
TIPS FROM SOUTHERNERS TO NORTHERNERS.....

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of bein' right.
3. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
5. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
6. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cookin', let alone eatin'.
7. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
8. There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitatin' a southern accent.
9. Get used to hearin', "You ain't from around here, are ya?"
10. People walk slower here.
11. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
12. The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
13. If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
14. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
15. Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinkin' on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
16. The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
17. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter if you need anything from the store, it's just something you're supposed to do.
18. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
19. As you are cursin' the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
20. You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off tryin' to find it your own self.

44 posted on 01/12/2002 5:32:36 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: jslade
Thanks for the humor.

In the south, tea refers to iced tea, no matter the season. Once you've ordered tea, you're given a choice by the waitress "sweet or un". If your tea is served without enough ice cubes (enough is as many as will fit in the glass before the tea is poured)you know your waitress/waiter is not from the south. It is a southerner's duty to educate that person by demanding more ice.

45 posted on 01/12/2002 5:33:00 PM PST by Dixielander
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To: jslade
Too many to pernt ayote. Them thars alotta airs bubba.
46 posted on 01/12/2002 5:33:32 PM PST by Demidog
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To: jslade
'it was the 3rd of june
on a sleepy, dusty delta day'!
47 posted on 01/12/2002 5:35:52 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: jslade
carter/clinton!
48 posted on 01/12/2002 5:37:33 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: sweetliberty
18. Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.

You are talking about South Florida (i.e. Palm Beach County, Broward, Miami Dade). That is another country. Orlando north is the South. Believe it!

49 posted on 01/12/2002 5:40:07 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio.

That is so true. I can't stop laughing. There are more Ohio license plates than South Carolina plates in Myrtle Beach.

50 posted on 01/12/2002 5:41:50 PM PST by buccaneer81
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