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THE SOUTH - LIKE IT OR WE'LL KICK YOUR A$$!
via email | Jan. 12, 2002 | Unknown

Posted on 01/12/2002 3:55:44 PM PST by jslade

The South......Like it or we will kick your ass!

Don't order filet mignon or pasta primavera at Waffle House. It's just a diner. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day. Let them cook something they know. If you confuse them, they'll kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Southern names. (Merleen, Bodie, Ovine, Luther, Ray, Tammy Lynn, Darla Beth, Inez, Billy Joe, Sissy, etc.) These people have all been known to kick ass.

Don't order a bottle of pop of a can of soda down here. Down here it's called Coke. Nobody gives a flying damn whether it's Pepsi, RC, Dr. Pepper, 7-Up, or whatever - it's still a Coke. Accept it. Doing otherwise can lead to an ass kicking.

We know out heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (e.g. Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally a lot nicer. Don't refer to us as a bunch of hillbillies, or we'll kick your ass.

We have plenty of business sense (e.g. Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI Worldcom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do, sometimes, have small lapses in judgment (e.g. Carter, Edwards, Duke, Barnes). We don't care if you think we are dumb. We can still kick your ass.

Don't laugh at our Civil War monuments. If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington. If you visit Stone Mountain and complain about the carving, we'll kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here - or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended. Don't put sugar on your grits, or we'll kick your ass. Don't fake a Southern accent. This will incite a riot, and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. Many of us have visited hellholes like Detroit, Chicage, L.A., and D.C., and we have the scars to prove it. If you don't like it here, Delta is ready when you are. Take your ass home before it gets kicked.

Yes, we know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we don't want to sound like you. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other Southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go away, or we'll kick your ass.

Don't complain that the South is dirty and polluted. None of OUR lakes have caught fire like scenic Lake Erie once did. Whine about OUR scenic beauty, and we'll kick your ass all the way back to Boston Harbor.

Don't ridicule our Southern manners. We say "sir" and "ma'am", hold doors open for others, and offer our seats to old folks because such things are expected of civilized people. Behave yourselves around our sweet little gray-haired grandmothers or they'll kick some manners into your ass just like they did ours.

So you think we're quaint or we're losers because most of us like in the countryside? That's because we have enough sense to not live in smelly, crime-infested cesspools like New York or L.A. Make fund of our fresh air, and we'll kick your ass.

Last, but not least, DO NOT DARE to come down here trying to tell us how to cook barbecue. This will get your ass shot off (right after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Questions our sacred BBQ, and you'll go home in a pine box -minus your ass.

Y'all have a nice day!


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: dixie; thesouth
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To: Howlin
don'no -- butch'all come on down here, an' I'll make some sweet mint tea. MMMMMM-mmmm!

My biggest problem is that my daughter grew up here in Flor'da; win I ask her for a "pin" (so ah kin write sumthin'), she keeps giving me a straight pen -- lack those we use to hold on are head coverings. She takes ok to correcting, tho'...she kin speak fine win she recalls to.

51 posted on 01/12/2002 5:41:56 PM PST by womanvet
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To: jslade
Oh I know that. Just used the joke as written.
52 posted on 01/12/2002 5:43:36 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: Hilltop
"Don't make fun of the way we drive in snow, we'll slide into the ass end of your car and then kick yer ass."

ROTFL!!

53 posted on 01/12/2002 5:45:02 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: rockfish59
Ode To Billy Joe. Right?
54 posted on 01/12/2002 5:47:03 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade

Failure to recgonize and render proper respect to this man will result in an ass kicking.
55 posted on 01/12/2002 5:47:52 PM PST by aomagrat
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To: aomagrat
Dale who? The King!
56 posted on 01/12/2002 5:51:57 PM PST by jslade
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To: womanvet
True southerners
57 posted on 01/12/2002 5:52:12 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: jslade
If Lee had listened to Longstreet and flanked Meade at Gettysburg instead of sending Pickett up the middle, you'd be paying taxes to Richmond instead of Washington.

Maybe true... but the South needed to repel Grant at Vickburg as well, which was a more critical loss to the South. (or if you fought a hit and run war based on the mountains) BTW if the "War for States Rights" were fought today "you would kick their ass"...in addition, read "Blacks in Grey" to subdue yankee claim it was about slavery. As Longstreet said we should have freed the slaves then fired at Fort Sumter

58 posted on 01/12/2002 5:53:02 PM PST by alphadog
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To: kassie
"The best sweet tea is found only in the south!"

Yup. Even my favorite Chinese restaurant here in Mobile makes a fine glass of iced sweet tea.

59 posted on 01/12/2002 5:53:12 PM PST by blam
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To: sweetliberty
SL, you are comin' up with some good ones.
60 posted on 01/12/2002 5:58:09 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
Being from the North Carolina, right near the South Carolina Border, I was raised saying "drink" for what ya'll call Coke.(The county I am from was dry at the time, no booze.) When we moved to KY everyone thought we were asking for alcohol, had to adjust that one real quick.

LOVE my sweet tea, everyone in KY thinks I'm nuts when I ask if their tea is sweet. "We got packets.." EEEEWWWWW! And never mind asking for grits. Never, ever eat grits without some butter in them.(Though they are real good with fried fish, yum!)Don't forget the collards, a lotta folks turn lots of colors when you talk about them, and the oysters, steamed open you scrape them out of the shell and slurp them down (with sweet tea and hush puppies).

And in my neck of the woods BBQ is PORK!! Not beef. We had them pig pickin's for everything..annivers'ries..weddin's, birthdays, the deer dog had puppies..shoot..we didn't need no stinking reason.

Sorry my post is so long...ya'll got me homesick..don't want mine kicked next..;-)
61 posted on 01/12/2002 6:00:39 PM PST by KY Dittohead
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To: jslade
yep!
62 posted on 01/12/2002 6:00:45 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: aomagrat
i think he was in the most awesome wreck EVER!

'never see me drivin' without 'em'!

63 posted on 01/12/2002 6:02:08 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: HangFire
funny bump y'all
64 posted on 01/12/2002 6:02:26 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: jslade
andersonville!

but the yanks weren't no damned better!

65 posted on 01/12/2002 6:04:11 PM PST by rockfish59
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To: KY Dittohead
Ahhhhhhh! A pig pullin'.
66 posted on 01/12/2002 6:09:48 PM PST by jslade
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To: phelix
Is this true??lol
67 posted on 01/12/2002 6:11:35 PM PST by habs4ever
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To: jslade
ROFLMAO!! I am laughing so hard that I am crying, that was wonderful!!! I lived down south, and I could really hear my friend Dennie telling me this!! ROFLMAO!!!
68 posted on 01/12/2002 6:12:40 PM PST by Aric2000
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To: jslade
Can anyone imagine working as a waitperson in Atlanta during the Olympics and trying to explain grits to someone from - for example - Germany or Poland?
69 posted on 01/12/2002 6:13:50 PM PST by Marauder
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Hey Southerners, you'll earn my respect when you learn how to make pizza (hint - it does not taste like Domino's).

Actually, this "request" of mine goes out to anyone who lives more than 75 miles outside of NYC.

70 posted on 01/12/2002 6:14:42 PM PST by Senator Pardek
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To: KY Dittohead
Let me ammend that post. a pig pullin' over an open far with a bottle of Jack Daniels. And good company. Nirvana!
71 posted on 01/12/2002 6:14:56 PM PST by jslade
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To: buccaneer81
Bring that little tiny southern butt up here and we will do what us northern folk call ..open a can of whip ass on you..
72 posted on 01/12/2002 6:15:55 PM PST by Barbarian
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To: jslade
Here's a little test for those who might not be quite sure where they fit in along the north/south divide:

You Might be a Yankee if…


73 posted on 01/12/2002 6:16:24 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: rockfish59
Was that the one where he flipped over the pit wall at Darlington and was almost ejected, or when he barrel rolled down the front stretch at Daytona and then got T-boned.
74 posted on 01/12/2002 6:16:58 PM PST by aomagrat
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To: Senator Pardek
Yea.. What about subs and steaks and do they know what a bagel is down yonder?
75 posted on 01/12/2002 6:17:46 PM PST by Barbarian
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To: Aric2000
It was emailed to me today from a friend in Houston. I had the same reaction and wanted to share it with my fellow Freepers.
76 posted on 01/12/2002 6:21:47 PM PST by jslade
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To: Barbarian
To them, a bagel is something they return to the bakery, because the glazed sugar and sprinkles were left off of it.
77 posted on 01/12/2002 6:22:55 PM PST by Senator Pardek
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To: sweetliberty
When I was stationed in Florida, I was up in the panhandle and was reminded by the locals that it wasn't really Florida, but L.A.(Lower Alabama). I was in Ft. Walton Beach at Eglin AFB.
78 posted on 01/12/2002 6:26:50 PM PST by Cornjonny
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To: Barbarian
Bring that little tiny southern butt up here and we will do what us northern folk call ..open a can of whip ass on you..

You don't even know the right terminology. It's WHUP ASS!

79 posted on 01/12/2002 6:27:06 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
"You don't even know the right terminology. It's WHUP ASS!"

LOL! There ya go!

80 posted on 01/12/2002 6:29:18 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: sweetliberty
Boy, you keep comin' up with spectacular posts!
81 posted on 01/12/2002 6:29:47 PM PST by jslade
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To: Cornjonny
When I was stationed in Florida, I was up in the panhandle and was reminded by the locals that it wasn't really Florida, but L.A.(Lower Alabama). I was in Ft. Walton Beach at Eglin AFB.

Yup, my people are from UCLA: Upper Corner of Lower Alabama...

82 posted on 01/12/2002 6:30:29 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: alphadog
My wife and I were born up north, we live in Florida now.

I was telling my 6 year old about the Civil war. He asked who had won, North or South, and when I replied North, he exclaimed in a shocked voice,"We Lost?"

I then had to tell him his parents were both ex-yankees.

83 posted on 01/12/2002 6:31:42 PM PST by Rome2000
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To: Barbarian
Actually, we like bagels. We eat them with pork sausage gravy.
84 posted on 01/12/2002 6:32:37 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
This has been OVERPOSTED at FR, and wasn't worth it the first 1/2 dozen times. You regonalists are just Balkanizing this site.
85 posted on 01/12/2002 6:35:00 PM PST by nopardons
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To: Gamecock
And don't forget, the original USC is in South Carolina.
86 posted on 01/12/2002 6:35:30 PM PST by aomagrat
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To: jslade
Here's a few more:

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes,
The South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses,
The South has Waffle Houses.

The North has switchblade knives,
The South has Lee Press on Nails.

The North has double last names,
The South has double first names.

The North has Ted Kennedy,
The South has Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance,
The South has an amalance.

The North has the Mafia,
The South has the Klan.

The North has Indy car races,
The South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat,
The South has grits.

The North has green salads,
The South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters,
The South has craw dads.

The North has the rust belt,
The South has the Bible Belt.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.Don't buy food at this store.

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or child. This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!"

The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol," truck or "big'ol" boy. Most Northerners begin their Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it.

Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense here.

When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.

Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits

87 posted on 01/12/2002 6:35:44 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: jslade
Bring that little tiny southern butt up here and we will do what us northern folk call ..open a can of whip ass on you..

You don't even know the right terminology. It's WHUP ASS!

Oh sure. If you say it with a southern accent...

88 posted on 01/12/2002 6:36:28 PM PST by lowbridge
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To: sweetliberty

89 posted on 01/12/2002 6:36:46 PM PST by Gamecock
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To: jslade
Well, when a man talks like this to me, he askin' for a good ass whuppin. Which one of you sonsabitches is first?
90 posted on 01/12/2002 6:37:57 PM PST by irish_lad
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To: jslade
Thanks, but I can't take all the credit. I just love southern jokes (cause they're some of the best) so I usually save them. A lot of them are posted on a thread from a couple of weeks ago.

FReeper Funnies

91 posted on 01/12/2002 6:39:22 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: jslade
Shoot, I'd expect them to call it "whipped ass."
92 posted on 01/12/2002 6:39:35 PM PST by DeaconBenjamin
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To: nopardons
Get a life, don't have some fun, and LEAVE!
93 posted on 01/12/2002 6:40:02 PM PST by jslade
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To: sweetliberty
Where are you finding all this great stuff?
94 posted on 01/12/2002 6:41:54 PM PST by jslade
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To: Rome2000
Cute story
95 posted on 01/12/2002 6:43:21 PM PST by alphadog
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To: DeaconBenjamin
Shoot, I'd expect them to call it "whipped ass."

That's a little too BDSM for me. hehehehehe. There are sickos out there that like this.

96 posted on 01/12/2002 6:46:42 PM PST by jslade
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To: Gamecock
After having their 11th child, an Tennessee couple decided that was enough (they could not afford a larger double wide). So, the husband went to his doctor (who also treated mules) and told him that he and his wife/cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem. The doctor instructed him to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Tenn.), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Tennessean said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man, but don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me." So the couple drove to Georgia to get a second opinion.

The Georgia physician was just about to tell them about the procedure for a vasectomy when he noticed that they were from Tennessee. This doctor instead told the man to go home and get a cherry bomb, light it, place it in a beer can, hold it to his ear and count to 10.

Figuring that both learned physicians couldn't be wrong, the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count. "1,2, 3, 4, 5 . . ." at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and resumed counting on his other hand.

This medical procedure also works in Alabama, Virginia, West Virginia and Kentucky and Arkansas and is sure to be a great success in Palm Beach County Florida.


97 posted on 01/12/2002 6:46:49 PM PST by sweetliberty
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To: jslade
Lot's of respect to the South, but when I was in Atlanta ten days ago for a conference and had to witness what happens if a southern city is hit by about two inches of snow. Mayhem doesn't even describe it.... and please, please, please stay at home if you don't know how to drive on the funny white stuff. Other than that I really enjoyed my visit :-))).
98 posted on 01/12/2002 6:50:43 PM PST by Economist_MA
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To: lowbridge
Hey Low. We're not talking Cool Whip here. We're talking WHUP ASS! Big difference. Of course, up North, Cool Whip might be revelent.
99 posted on 01/12/2002 6:53:05 PM PST by jslade
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To: jslade
I happen to like an Ara-C and and Moon Pie.

Truly, a moon pie is as fine a confection as mankind has ever devised.

100 posted on 01/12/2002 6:53:43 PM PST by tsomer
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