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Skip to comments.A VEHICLE FOR A REALLY BIG WHEEL
Posted on 11/22/2002 8:35:25 AM PST by janee
A VEHICLE FOR A REALLY BIG WHEEL -
Thursday, November 21, 2002
By DALE McFEATTERS, Scripps Howard News Service
An evangelical Christian group is about to launch a series of TV ads that poses the question, "What Would Jesus Drive?"
Other religious leaders are asking carmakers that question directly as part of a campaign to get the auto companies to make and the faithful to buy fuel-efficient, environmentally friendly vehicles.
But they do raise an interesting proposition: What would Jesus have driven?
Dale McFeatters takes a satirical look at the news from his very own skewed perspective.
First off, he was a carpenter so he would have driven a pickup truck to carry his tools and lumber, certainly a truck with an extended bed to carry drywall and plywood sheathing. Since Jesus' work takes him among thieves, he'd need a deluxe locking toolbox behind the cab.
Jesus would need more than just cargo space. With all those disciples, he'd be carrying a lot of passengers, so we'll equip his truck with a super crew cab. Jesus' demographics skew working-class, so we'll put a rack over the rear window. No, not for guns. For Peter's fishing gear.
I think we're looking at top-of-the-line trucks here, a GMC Sierra 2500, a Ford F-350 or a Dodge Ram 3500. Those little toy trucks won't do.
The best roads in Roman times were fitted stone blocks that would shake a lesser vehicle to pieces and the ordinary roads were little better than paths heavily rutted by ox carts. So we'll need heavy-duty shocks and springs and maybe we better jack the body up off the frame a little for better ground clearance. Dual rear wheels wouldn't hurt, either.
Since he'll be using the truck to journey to the mountaintop and sojourn in the wilderness, he'll need off-road capability, four-wheel drive, oversize tires and brush guards over the grille.
Being a helpful sort, Jesus may want to help his neighbors get to market by throwing their oxen in the back and towing their carts. So we'll need the towing package and the oversize side mirrors. And of course Quadrasteer for the narrow streets of Jerusalem.
There's no sense scrimping on power, so we'll go for a 6.6-liter turbo diesel putting out at least 325-horsepower. Jesus was of course familiar with the feast of Hanukkah, in which the oil in the lamps was continuously replenished, so fuel consumption shouldn't be a big deal.
We'll opt for the five-speed automatic transmission so he'll have one hand free to bless the multitudes. And a CB with twin antennas to better spread the Word.
Jesus did much of his work among the poor and dispossessed, and you might think that would require a clunker with a dragging tailpipe or at least an austere little econobox. But that would be patronizing and demeaning. He should drive the kind of vehicle that the poor and dispossessed would drive if they weren't poor and dispossessed. That means we go with the complete chrome option package and a boom car quality sound system.
The color? White, of course. White symbolizes all kinds of good things in the Bible, but Desert Tan might be nice, too. A vanity plate? Let's not press our luck.
So how will we know if this is truly What Jesus Would Drive?
Because people will look at it, spread their arms, look heavenward and say, "Good Lord, now that's a truck!'
Hey, they brought it up.
Contact Dale McFeatters at McFeattersD@SHNS.com or online http://www.shns.com.
He'd definitely need something big enough for all 12 disciples. Perhaps a 15-passenger van, or TWO big Lincoln Navigators (or Land Rovers). You don't maintain loyalty amongst your disciples by making them walk while you ride.
Jesus is God. God can drive anything He wants.
Jesus would drive a Porsche.
But where would he drive it? Not to public school -- He's not welcome there.
Not to a court room, a federal building, a public square. Not welcome.
A Ford of course.
Definitely by all means! That is some pickup you've got.
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