Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

Skip to comments.

That's not a beer belly, it's a liquid grain-storage facility
The Irish Independent ^ | January 14, 2003 | Eddie Lennon

Posted on 01/14/2003 4:14:25 AM PST by MadIvan

There's a whole new world of PC substitutes out there, says EDDIE LENNON.

Time was when political correctness was the wet blanket of every conversation. You had to tiptoe around your own vocabulary like a mouse faced with a cheese-laden mousetrap, terrified of ensnaring yourself by just being yourself.

Every chit-chat became a series of conversational booby-traps, each of them just waiting to help you offend one minority or another by a less than fully premeditated remark. For a short time that somehow seemed like forever, everything became so PC that life was like one eternally stilted dinner party, redolent of years of hushed-up scandal, and raw with family sensitivities.

But recently, thanks to the farcically euphemistic nature of political correctness, the almost pathological fear of calling a spade a spade (oops!) has helped political correctness to tear right through the humour barrier and declare what we suspected all along that it was all just one big joke.

There are now so many beautiful ways to call a spade a manually operated earthmoving implement that telling it like it is seems vaguely uncolourful and less than imaginative when a nice PC substitute will do instead.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

He does not have a beer belly; he has developed a liquid grainstorage facility

He is not a bad dancer; he is overtly Caucasian.

He does not have a useless sense of direction; he investigates alternative destinations.

He is not balding; he is in follicle regression.

He is not a Sugar Daddy; he prefers generationally differential relationships.

He does not get falling-down drunk; he becomes accidentally horizontal.

He does not act like a total ass; he develops a case of rectal-cranial inversion.

He is not a male chauvinist pig; he has swine empathy.

He is not afraid of commitment; he is monogamously disoriented.

HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT

She is not a babe or a chick; she is a breasted citizen.

She is not easy; she is horizontally accessible.

She is not dumb; she is a detour off the information superhighway.

She has not been around; she is a previously enjoyed companion.

She does not get drunk or tipsy; she gets chemically inconvenienced.

She is not horny; she is sexually focused.

She does not nag you; she is thematically repetitive.

But there are other areas of life where the polite PC euphemism hides a lot more than it reveals. Check out the personal ads, for instance.

MEN'S ADS

40-ish: 52 and looking for a 20-year-old.

Athletic: never misses The Premiership

Unusual-looking: covered with horticulturally exotic hair.

Educated: patronising as hell.

Friendship first: after all, sex has to start somewhere.

Fun: you should see me gurgle breath-freshener after 15 pints.

Handsome: just as well, because I'm thick as a plank.

Honest: pathological liar, taking a short break.

Huggable: couch-loving Panda bear.

Likes to cuddle: schizophrenic, attention-craving mummy's boy.

Mature: older than your dad.

Open-minded: will quickly move on(to) your best mate.

Physically fit: regular walking to and from the fridge.

Writer: now you know how he'll give you your marching orders.

Sensitive: self-pitying egomaniac.

Very sensitive: gay.

Spiritual: did something naughty in a churchyard once.

Thoughtful: says "excuse me" when he passes wind loudly.

WOMEN'S ADS

40-ish: 49.

Adventurous: has slept with all your friends.

Athletic: small breasts.

Contagious smile: does a lot of drugs.

Emotionally secure: heavily medicated.

Free spirit: junkie.

Fun: babbling motormouth.

Gentle: apparently comatose.

Good listener: borderline catatonic.

New Age: suspiciously large amounts of body hair.

Old-fashioned: frigid.

Open-minded: rapidly desperate.

Poet: melancholic drip.

Rubenesque: grossly fat.

Romantic: looks slightly better by candle light.

Social: has been passed around like a plate of hors d'oeuvres.

Voluptuous: in need of power walking, alternating with power fasting.

Widow: drove first husband to shoot himself.

Young at heart: old goose, game for anything.


TOPICS: Culture/Society; Extended News; Foreign Affairs; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: guide; pc; vocabulary
Eddie Lennon should be the hero of today; certainly he's wittier than the other Lennon. You know, the one from Liverpool.

Regards, Ivan


1 posted on 01/14/2003 4:14:25 AM PST by MadIvan
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | View Replies]

To: SunnyUsa; Delmarksman; Sparta; Toirdhealbheach Beucail; TopQuark; TexKat; Iowa Granny; ...
Bump!
2 posted on 01/14/2003 4:14:49 AM PST by MadIvan
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
I refer to my (tiny) beer belly as, "6-pack abs."
3 posted on 01/14/2003 4:20:07 AM PST by Joe 6-pack
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: Howlin; Ed_NYC; MonroeDNA; widgysoft; Springman; Timesink; AntiGuv; dubyaismypresident; Grani; ...
"Hold muh beer 'n watch this!" PING....

If you want on or off this list, please let me know!

4 posted on 01/14/2003 4:31:18 AM PST by mhking
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
How many takers would there be for a singles ad that said: Over age, over weight, desperate pathetic loser looking for...?
Sometimes a little euphemism is necessary to make the world go round.
5 posted on 01/14/2003 4:42:08 AM PST by ricpic
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: ricpic
Over age, over weight, desperate pathetic loser looking for...?

I dunno..that sounds refreshingly honest and self effacing if you ask me! :-)

6 posted on 01/14/2003 4:44:24 AM PST by Happygal
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
Politically Active - Spends 23.7 hours a day at FreeRepublic

---

Support Your Houston FReeper Chapter!

---

Flyer

7 posted on 01/14/2003 4:57:38 AM PST by Flyer (Support Your Local FReeper Chapter)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
BTTT
8 posted on 01/14/2003 5:04:37 AM PST by RippleFire
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan

He does not have a beer belly; he has developed a liquid grainstorage facility

9 posted on 01/14/2003 5:07:48 AM PST by martin_fierro (I have an inferiority complex, but it's not a very good one.)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: martin_fierro
This guy has more than a storage facility, he seems to have developed the whole brewery! ;-)
10 posted on 01/14/2003 5:09:21 AM PST by Happygal
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]

To: ricpic
I'm still waiting to see the personals ad that speaks to me:

20 year old lingerie model seeks middle-aged, overweight alcoholic for fun. Likes staying in and cooking to save money.

11 posted on 01/14/2003 5:13:06 AM PST by metesky
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 5 | View Replies]

To: Mudboy Slim; stand watie; Landru; FreeTheHostages
A politically incorrect ping! :-)
12 posted on 01/14/2003 5:15:45 AM PST by Happygal
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Happygal
Over age, over weight, desperate pathetic loser looking for...?

I dunno..that sounds refreshingly honest and self effacing if you ask me! :-)


Always a masochist in the crowd.
13 posted on 01/14/2003 5:30:23 AM PST by ricpic
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
I asked my brother why he was allowing his belly to get so big, his reply was that since everything below it had gone into retirement, he was building a porch over it to give it shade.
14 posted on 01/14/2003 5:34:33 AM PST by wayoverontheright
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: martin_fierro
Reubenesque cutie seeks liquid grainstorage facility, (no athletes, please)

15 posted on 01/14/2003 6:14:31 AM PST by Izzy Dunne
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 9 | View Replies]


Donate Here By Secure Server

Or mail checks to
FreeRepublic , LLC
PO BOX 9771
FRESNO, CA 93794
or you can use
PayPal at Jimrob@psnw.com

Become A Monthly Donor
STOP BY AND BUMP THE FUNDRAISER THREAD
Thanks Registered

16 posted on 01/14/2003 6:20:24 AM PST by Mo1 (Join the DC Chapter at the Patriots Rally III on 1/18/03)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 6 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
It all depends on what the word "is" is.
17 posted on 01/14/2003 6:46:47 AM PST by ConservativeMan55
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 1 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
Thanks Ivan!

LOL...very funny and makes a great point too.

I enjoy taking on the PC crowd in my life, and sometimes the best way is through humor!

I've emailed this around

18 posted on 01/14/2003 8:02:18 AM PST by SunnyUsa
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: Happygal
Check out these personals. I have no idea whether they are real or not, but they are funny. It's some foreign website I found on Google.

http://moskalyuk.com/shutki/2002/personals.htm

Personals
Divorced Jewish man, seeks partner to attend synagogue with, light shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses, bar mitzvahs. Religion not important.

Sincere Bible student, 27. Enjoys going to church, singing hymns, Christmas, Midnight Mass, confession, listening to sermons and various church functions. Seeks companion for living life in the "fast" lane.

Homosexual man, 6'4, 250 lbs, athletic, smart, likes opera, the beach , music and WWF. Seeks same in woman.

Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!

Nice guy, 38. No skeletons. No baggage. No personality.

Female graduate student, studying kaballah, tarot cards, astrology, numerology, palm reading and tea leaves seeks a down to earth male. No weirdoes, please..

Staunch feminist, wears no bra ever, seeking male who will accept my independence, although you probably will not. Oh, just forget it.

Businessman, 49, manufactures holiday candles, birthday candles, memorial candles and insents. Seeks non-smoker.

French professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.

Male, 34, very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.

Single woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.

19 posted on 01/14/2003 8:09:58 AM PST by wimpycat (Down with Kooks and Kookery!)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

To: MadIvan
ROFL
Bump
20 posted on 01/14/2003 8:15:41 AM PST by Fiddlstix (Tag Line Repair Center: Don't disgard that old Tag Line! Have it Repaired. Inquire Within)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 2 | View Replies]

To: wayoverontheright
My uncle says his beer belly is the only thing he's got that's bought and paid for.
21 posted on 01/14/2003 8:21:26 AM PST by katykelly
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 14 | View Replies]

To: wimpycat
Worried about in-law meddling? I'm an orphan!

*LOL* Brilliant. Ye didn't happen to get an address for this guy? ;-)

22 posted on 01/14/2003 8:51:19 AM PST by Happygal
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 19 | View Replies]

To: Happygal
LOL!

FRee dixie,sw

23 posted on 01/14/2003 10:02:00 AM PST by stand watie (Resistance to tyrants is obedience to God. : Thomas Jefferson 1774)
[ Post Reply | Private Reply | To 12 | View Replies]

Disclaimer: Opinions posted on Free Republic are those of the individual posters and do not necessarily represent the opinion of Free Republic or its management. All materials posted herein are protected by copyright law and the exemption for fair use of copyrighted works.

Free Republic
Browse · Search
News/Activism
Topics · Post Article

FreeRepublic, LLC, PO BOX 9771, FRESNO, CA 93794
FreeRepublic.com is powered by software copyright 2000-2008 John Robinson