FROM CANADA: We like so love Americans

National Post (Canada) ^ | March 1, 2003 | Lisa Gabriele

[MadIvan]

Dear AWESOME Americans, First off: You guys totally rock. We mean that. If anything bad happens to you guys, we are going to be SO on your side, cross our hearts hope to die stick a needle in our eye called it stamped it can't erase it. But we understand if you don't believe us on account of SOME Canadians who have SUPER big mouths who shall remain totally UNnameless.

Second off: Oh. My. God. We are SO embarrassed about what our Liberal MP, Carolyn (Parachute Pants) Parrish, said the other day when she was all, "Damn Americans. I hate those bastards." That's almost as whack as Prime Minister Jean Chrétien's former communications director, Françoise (Feathered Bangs) Ducros saying, "What a moron," about your President, George (So Not a) W(anker) Bush.

Third off: Though this whole war thing is getting RIGHT out of hand, if someone tried to, like, kill our Dad, they'd be SO dead at recess, too.

But we're writing you this note because we're totally begging please DO NOT be mad at us because honestly the rest of Canada had NOTHING to do with those off-the-record-utterances made in the safe confines of our brand of scrums whereby reporters and political leaders seem to enjoy a lot of intimate, insider nudging and winking, all the while assuming off-colo(u)r comments are off-the-record, when, in fact, they are SO not.

Here's our opinion:

1. They are so jealous of you guys and your global superpower status, and your ability to annihilate any country which poses even a tangential threat.

2. Which means they totally want to BE you.

3. Which means they totally LOVE you.

4. Which means they totally want to MARRY you.

Finally, do NOT be mad at Britain for passing you this note. They're, like, our BEST friends in the world:

1. Because they totally know us from way back.

2. We have the same exact Queen.

3. We have the same exact spelling of words such as "Survivo(u)r," and "The Bachelo(u)r."

Britain knows how sorry we are. Go ahead. Ask them. They'll totally stick up for our good character (No. - Ivan), not to mention our millions of acres of arable land, plus a seemingly endless fresh water supply, plus world-class marijuana, plus OIL, plus now DIAMONDS. Yes, we KNOW you guys got THE most awesome TV shows, but you don't have EVERYTHING in the world that's great. We got stuff, too, you know, and maybe we're pretty sick of hearing you guys all the time going, "Ooo, look at us, we're SOOO great because we're AMERICANS, oooo."

So, anyways you guys, thanks for reading this far. And if you send this note back unopened, FINE. We do not even care. But you better give us back OUR Avril Lavigne plus OUR Shania Twain. By the looks of what you've been feeding them, we're pretty sure they can both fit snugly inside the enclosed self-addressed stamped envelope.

From Canada With LIKE

[MadIvan]

Sorry, I couldn't resist posting this as it sounded like she was daring a Brit to pass this on to you lot.

Three possibilities:

1. She is dumb enough to believe Americans speak this way.
2. She is dumb enough to talk this way.
3. She is dumb enough to believe this is humourous in some manner.

Colour me unimpressed.

Regards, Ivan

The Flag of Canada...before the trouble started.

[MadIvan]

Bump!

[areafiftyone]

GOT PROZAC? I think I need some after reading this. ;-)

[MadIvan]

GOT PROZAC? I think I need some after reading this. ;-)

Shot of whiskey would be a good idea for me at the moment, I dare say. :)

Regards, Ivan

[Moose4]

Like, tooooootally. Duuuuude.

}:-)4

[zarf]

This sounds like a rant Maureen Dowd would scream if she ever had an orgasm.

[MadIvan]

I think she wrote this article in normal English first and then ran it through this:

Valley URL

Regards, Ivan

[Brasky]

Good to see that our public school system is spilling over to our neighbors to the north. Like, you totally better, like, hand over all your lumber and natural gas, or the shizzle will hit the fizzle, my nizzle.

[Happygal]

And the National Post printed it. Jaysis!

[Eaker]

Great stuff Ivan!!!

This Wordsmith so totally put us in our place!

I just wish that I could let her know that this

is what it would look like if Canada really ticked us off!!!

Stay safe; stay armed.

[MadIvan]

This is what it says is her claim to fame:

Lisa Gabriele is the author of Tempting Faith DiNapoli, published by Doubleday Canada.

Somehow I doubt this will be held up as an example of great Canadian literature.

Love, Ivan

[shezza]

Um, like, does Canada really, you know, think we even care what they think? As if!

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

WHO IS THIS CHICK!! Lemme at her!

maybe we're pretty sick of hearing you guys all the time going, "Ooo, look at us, we're SOOO great because we're AMERICANS, oooo."

I am TOTALLY sick of hearing how WE think WE are great...I wish the rest of the world would Quit Projecting THEIR feelings onto US. Maybe some of our more prominent spokespeople project that arrogant, ignorant persona and attitude, but I would like to shake some sense into these sheep around the world who believe we think we are better than everyone else, or "cooler". Most of us are very aware of our cultural shortcomings and are NOT happy with the Calipornia [OOPS! sp!] culture being spread all over as representative of who we are and what we do...

But you better give us back OUR Avril Lavigne plus OUR Shania Twain

Take them back PLEASE!

[Harmless Teddy Bear]

not to mention our millions of acres of arable land, plus a seemingly endless fresh water supply, plus world-class marijuana, plus OIL, plus now DIAMONDS.

We'll see it and will raise you the world's most advanced health system and the world's best military. What do you have that you actually made not something given to you by mother nature?

[Nubbin]

LOL! Now THAT was funny, I mean like, TOTALLY funny.

[Bloody Sam Roberts]

Duuude! What a totally righteous find!

I plugged in the URL "http://www.freerepublic.com" into this site and nearly spewed my coffee when I read the output.

Try it out. It is high comedy. Totally.

[badfreeper]

"Three possibilities:

"1. She is dumb enough to believe Americans speak this way.
"2. She is dumb enough to talk this way.
"3. She is dumb enough to believe this is humourous in some manner.

"Colour me unimpressed."

Lisa Gabriele needs to stick to writing for the real estate section.

[Nubbin]

Like, you totally better, like, hand over all your lumber and natural gas...

...and do they really, I mean like, REALLY, REALLY have diamonds? Sweeeet! I totally adore diamonds. Couldn't we like forget about that oil thing and go and get those diamonds instead? I mean like diamonds are WAY better than oil!

[ConservativeConvert]

This bitch is being facetious in like SUCH an annoying way. She can SO kiss my American ass.

[MadIvan]

Duuude! What a totally righteous find!

Yes, I use it to translate anything into Britney Spears language.

I suggest you don't do it too long, as you can feel your brain cells begin to die reading Valley Girl speak for an extended duration.

Regards, Ivan

[MadIvan]

This bitch is being facetious in like SUCH an annoying way. She can SO kiss my American ass.

There is the distinct possibility she's merely an idiot. Or she's an idiot and trying to be facetious.

Regards, Ivan

[RWG]

You forgot one: she is dumb enough to be canadian.

[MadIvan]

I was rather irritated by her insistence that the British would somehow stick up for Canada's behaviour. Sorry, Canada, you put a Frog in charge of your country.

Regards, Ivan

[Dog Gone]

BWAAAAAAHAHAHAHA

Check this out.

SHARM EL-SHEIKH, Egypt (Reuters) Like, the United Arab Emirates proposed on Saturday that Iraqi President Saddam Hussein and his top aides should go into exile as Arab leaders held crisis talks in Egypt in a bid to avert war.

It was like, you know, the first time an Arab state totally had officially called on Iraq's leadership to step down and leave Iraq, a solution which Washington totally has said could spare the volatile region another war.

Saddam totally has previously said he would rather croak than go into exile.

In the first reaction to the UAE proposal, Saudi Foreign Minister Saud al-Faisal said it was like, you know, not a fully fledged initiative, but an idea that would be discussed comprehensively.

"We are like, fer sure that the United Arab Emirates under the leadership of (President Like, sheikh Zaid (bin Sultan al-Nahayan) will not issue anything that is totally not in the Arab interest," he told reporters on the sidelines of the Arab summit in Egypt's Red Sea resort of Sharm el-Sheikh.

[Brian Allen]

Canada? Once great britain's EURO-trashcan on the Saint Lawrence?

Those irrelevant ingrate-and Castro-luvver peopled few acres of ice and snow to Our North?

[elephantlips]

Avril and Shania are here because THIS is the land of opportunity NOT Canada. They chose to come here as have countless other Canadians, no one put a gun to their head.

[laredo44]

But you better give us back OUR Avril Lavigne plus OUR Shania Twain.

Probably want your Rich Little and Dan Ackroyd back as well. Fine, but we don't own them. They're free to return any time. Looks like they don't want to be with you. Wonder why? Noodle that and get with back with an answer, wudja?

The problem with Canucks like her -- they never had the guts to demand their independence. Take the following conversation...

Bart and Lisa (from the back seat): Are we there yet?>
Homer (driving): No.

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?>
Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Are we there yet?
Homer: No.

Replace Bart and Lisa (from the back seat) with Canada
Are we there yet? with Can we have our independence now? and
Homer (driving) with England and you'll begin to understand pacifist Canada.

[headsonpikes]

BUMP the Red Ensign!

The thread scarcely calls for a rejoinder.

;^)

[I_Love_My_Husband]

Well...I think it's cute! Uh, well, I'm, um, from the Valley. Really. So, like I did, um, understand what she was saying.

[Paul_B]

Great parody.

[HoustonCurmudgeon]

Shot of whiskey would be a good idea for me at the moment, I dare say.

Best make it Rye.

[sd-joe]

Actually, I think this is pretty funny.

It is parody, written in the language of a pre-teen Valley Girl.

It is not a hit at the US, it is a hit at the Canadians and their weird mix of attitudes and actions relative to Americans.

[badfreeper]

I tried translating Jean Cretin's homepage ( http://pm.gc.ca ) into valleyspeak but all I got were VBScript runtime errors.

Thanks for the link Ivan! Great fun!

[homeagain balkansvet]

64 Stars. It's Time.

Canadians: When it comes to joining the United States, their mouths say No No; their eyes say, Yes Yes.

[sd-joe]

Funny. Good line.

Maybe its time to civilize that great wasteland between Alaska and Washington states.

[MadIvan]

We don't spell "Bachelor" or "Survivor" with the "our" on the end. I trust she was merely being facetious.

Regards, Ivan

[TADSLOS]

Canada who?

[WaterDragon]

I've always been perplexed by people who say Americans walk around so proud to be Americans and this pi%%es them off.

Aren't other people proud to be their nationalities? Don't they feel their countries are really the best? There are Americans who live elsewhere because they prefer other countries. I assume people from other countries living in America prefer it here.

What's the big deal about this?

Long before America was a superpower people were migrating here in droves.

[Maven]

I suggest you don't do it too long, as you can feel your brain cells begin to die reading Valley Girl speak for an extended duration.

Just for the record - not all Valley Girls speak this way - I don't!

Maven
Spitting distance from the Galleria....

[CobaltBlue]

>>What do you have that you actually made not something given to you by mother nature?<<

Good point. Canada's economy is based on commodities, as are those of most Third World nations.

The Chinese, at least, are eating our lunch at manufacturing.

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

I doubt she is an idiot, it was actually a pretty good piece of work, for what it was. Actually, I thought it was a great parody at first, but my outrage over the content overrode my sense of humor re the form...What we consider Valley speak is imitated by Canadian girls too, so she is parodizing her own people as well, intentionally or not.

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

Nice Florida tan I see!

[I_Love_My_Husband]

Where in the Valley?

I lived in Sepulveda....though some of my neighbors referred to it as Granada Hills...hehe. (It was close to GH, but not GH).

[I_Love_My_Husband]

Ok, you still live there in Sherman Oaks. Sabertooth also lives in Sherman Oaks.

[MattAMiller]

I am TOTALLY sick of hearing how WE think WE are great...I wish the rest of the world would Quit Projecting THEIR feelings onto US.

I agree. But I do understand how foreigners get sick of loud mouths who instantly bray about WWII or whatnot whenever they get opportunity.

There are plenty of people on this forum who seem to think the whole world ought to bend to our will just because we're powerful. People like this tar any effort to lead the world towards doing the right thing because it's the right thing.

[Eowyn-of-Rohan]

I could not agree more....

[Maven]

Sherman Oaks, fer sure, fer sure. LOL!

Don't you just love all the new place names so people can think they're living somewhere nicer? "Oh, I don't live in North Hollywood - I live in Valley Village." Sheesh.

Except for when I was married, I've lived in the Valley since I was 6 years old - North Hollywood, Van Nuys (brief stint in Panorama City) and Sherman Oaks.

Maven