Skip to comments.IRAQI SUBMARINE PROWLING LAKE MICHIGAN
Posted on 03/09/2003 8:55:38 AM PST by pennywise
IRAQI SUBMARINE PROWLING LAKE MICHIGAN . . . and there may be more than one -- says insider!
DETROIT, Mich. -- Fiendish Iraqi terrorists are lurking beneath Lake Michigan in one or more mini-submarines, poised to launch a deadly attack on America, a military insider warns.
"We know they're down there but we don't know exactly where," claims the U.S. Navy source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
"That lake is larger than the entire state of Israel and the sub is quite small, making it extremely difficult to detect on sonar.
"But the frightening thing is that between natural waterways, underground rivers and man-made canals, Lake Michigan is linked to all the other Great Lakes -- it's all one big water system.
"That puts the terrorists in a perfect position to launch an amphibious sneak attack on any one of at least six states, including Minnesota, Wisconsin, Ohio, Illinois, Pennsylvania and New York.
"And if they access the Erie Canal, that would take them to the Hudson River and enable them to strike at New York City."
The subs that have been spotted so far are similar in design to Japanese mini-subs which can carry up to six passengers and stay submerged for days at a time.
Authorities have intercepted transmissions that seem to be coming from the mini-subs, with voices speaking in Arabic. Translators have interpreted the voices saying, "The Iron Fish are ready to bite."
The Bush administration is keeping the crisis under wraps to avoid nationwide panic, the source claims.
"The White House is weighing its options because, at this point, they're not sure how many subs might be down there. There could be dozens of these things," notes the Navy man. "If we start carpet-bombing the Great Lakes with depth charges -- which is what it may take to get these SOBs -- people may feel the war has come to their own back yards."
The spokesman stressed that these subs are too small to carry nuclear weapons, but added, "They could still be smuggling in nuclear materials to manufacture weapons of mass destruction right here in the U.S."
Navy SEALS have been searching Lake Michigan, but they've found no sign of any mini-subs so far. But civilian sightings of the subs have continued at an alarming rate.
"I was fishing off my boat early one morning," one local fisherman says, "and I hooked something so big,
I thought maybe I had caught the Lake Michigan monster. I tried to reel it in, but then I saw a periscope come up. You can't even begin to imagine my surprise when I found out I'd hooked a mini-sub."
The fisherman dropped his rod in the water and raced back to shore as fast as his boat would carry him.
"I'm lucky I got out of there alive," he says. "That thing could've blown my boat to smithereens."
One witness claims to have seen a mini-sub on the Michigan side of the lake at the exact same time his friend on the Wisconsin side saw a different one.
"That means there could be hundreds of terrorists, hiding beneath our lakes, just waiting to launch an attack on our shores," one insider says.
It is not known how the Iraqis transported the sub into Lake Michigan. "They could've built it right in Michigan, or they may have built it outside the country and sailed it in. God knows there are enough raw materials in Detroit to build a fleet of mini-subs."
The sub's stealth capabilities and the murky depths of the 925-foot-deep, 307-mile-long Lake Michigan have made it extremely difficult to locate.
One expert notes, "We don't know exactly what those terrorists are doing in our lakes but one thing we do know is that they're not out joy-riding, and they're not offering to take people out for submarine rides."
The expert ends with an ominous warning: "If we don't do something about those subs soon, we'll be in big trouble."
Are you sure this isn't from "The Onion"?Not even the Chinese would pick up a WWN story and print it as fact.
Supermarket tabloid. Usually has headlines about alien babies and 2-headed puppies. Not to worry. This story is good for a chuckle, nothing more.
I sometimes buy that rag at the grocery store. With the World Weekly News and a six-pack, you can laugh for at least an hour.
Iraqi Sub-Hunter on Patrol
I find it rather "eye-rolling" to think that the technology necessary to conceive, produce and incorporate the batteries needed for such a weapon could come from the middle east.
Ooops. I forgot, there is that 3,000 year old remains of a supposed battery discovered in Iraq. Before there was even a need for stored electrical energy. Hmmmm, maybe there is something here to look into (typing slowly with one hand while fashioning aluminum foil into full body suit).
Me too. Well, actually, I make my wife buy it because I'm too embarassed. But I truly believe it has some of the best comedic writing out there. It' rare that I'll read the thing and not laugh out loud half a dozen times.Some very clever people write for WWN. (and their short lived TV show, anchored by Edwin Newman, was a howl.)
It pains me to remind everyone . . .
BATBOY ENDORSES GORE
ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Bat Boy is on the loose again - and this time, the little guy is endorsing Al Gore for President! Aides scurried for cover and the Vice Presidents jaw dropped in shock, sources say, when the shrieking, 2-foot, 6-inch mutant half-walked, half-flew into a Gore campaign office near here.
Of course, we all knew who Bat Boy was, said one campaign worker. But we were jumpy because he has a reputation for being kind of unpredictable. And to tell you the truth, hes even scarier-looking in person than he is in the newspaper.
But Bat Boy, who hadnt been seen since he escaped from a Georgia laboratory two weeks ago, quickly made it clear that his mission was a friendly one.
Bat Boy cant talk, of course - but he showed us in his own inimitable way that he was there to endorse our man, the aide said. He started screeching and excitedly pointing at a Gore for President sign and shaking his head yes, yes, yes.
Then he hopped over and started patting Mr. Gore on the back and shaking his head yes, yes, yes again.
When he spotted a bumper sticker that said, Im voting for Al Gore, he held it across his chest and began excitedly pointing at himself. It was clear that he was saying, Yep, Im voting for him myself.
Witnesses said the little refugee from the mountains of Virginia flitted around the office for 10 minutes or so, then walked over to Gore and extended his gnarled little hand. After a moments hesitation, the Vice President extended his and the two shook hands vigorously before stopping to pose for photographers.
Then all hell broke loose.
He was moving toward the door and people were saying goodbye to him and I thought he was going to leave, the Vice President recalled. But suddenly, he shrieked and ripped off his coat and tie and shirt until he was totally bare-chested. And then he came up and gave me a love bite on the shoulder that Ill never forget.
Ill probably have a scar, but thats OK, because I know he was just trying to be friendly.
Then, while I was still rubbing my shoulder, he scooted out the door and just disappeared down the street.
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Call Harry Zych if an Iraqi submarine is in Lake Michigan, Harry will find it.
In any event, those Iraqis are freezing their a*s off on mini-subs in Lake Michigan in March.
Oh never mind...I see where it's from! I thought it was Worldnet.com...