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IRAQI SUBMARINE PROWLING LAKE MICHIGAN
Weekly World News ^

Posted on 03/09/2003 8:55:38 AM PST by pennywise

IRAQI SUBMARINE PROWLING LAKE MICHIGAN . . . and there may be more than one -- says insider!

DETROIT, Mich. -- Fiendish Iraqi terrorists are lurking beneath Lake Michigan in one or more mini-submarines, poised to launch a deadly attack on America, a military insider warns.

"We know they're down there but we don't know exactly where," claims the U.S. Navy source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

"That lake is larger than the entire state of Israel and the sub is quite small, making it extremely difficult to detect on sonar.

"But the frightening thing is that between natural waterways, underground rivers and man-made canals, Lake Michigan is linked to all the other Great Lakes -- it's all one big water system.

"That puts the terrorists in a perfect position to launch an amphibious sneak attack on any one of at least six states, including Minnesota, Wisconsin, Ohio, Illinois, Pennsylvania and New York.

"And if they access the Erie Canal, that would take them to the Hudson River and enable them to strike at New York City."

The subs that have been spotted so far are similar in design to Japanese mini-subs which can carry up to six passengers and stay submerged for days at a time.

Authorities have intercepted transmissions that seem to be coming from the mini-subs, with voices speaking in Arabic. Translators have interpreted the voices saying, "The Iron Fish are ready to bite."

The Bush administration is keeping the crisis under wraps to avoid nationwide panic, the source claims.

"The White House is weighing its options because, at this point, they're not sure how many subs might be down there. There could be dozens of these things," notes the Navy man. "If we start carpet-bombing the Great Lakes with depth charges -- which is what it may take to get these SOBs -- people may feel the war has come to their own back yards."

The spokesman stressed that these subs are too small to carry nuclear weapons, but added, "They could still be smuggling in nuclear materials to manufacture weapons of mass destruction right here in the U.S."

Navy SEALS have been searching Lake Michigan, but they've found no sign of any mini-subs so far. But civilian sightings of the subs have continued at an alarming rate.

"I was fishing off my boat early one morning," one local fisherman says, "and I hooked something so big,

I thought maybe I had caught the Lake Michigan monster. I tried to reel it in, but then I saw a periscope come up. You can't even begin to imagine my surprise when I found out I'd hooked a mini-sub."

The fisherman dropped his rod in the water and raced back to shore as fast as his boat would carry him.

"I'm lucky I got out of there alive," he says. "That thing could've blown my boat to smithereens."

One witness claims to have seen a mini-sub on the Michigan side of the lake at the exact same time his friend on the Wisconsin side saw a different one.

"That means there could be hundreds of terrorists, hiding beneath our lakes, just waiting to launch an attack on our shores," one insider says.

It is not known how the Iraqis transported the sub into Lake Michigan. "They could've built it right in Michigan, or they may have built it outside the country and sailed it in. God knows there are enough raw materials in Detroit to build a fleet of mini-subs."

The sub's stealth capabilities and the murky depths of the 925-foot-deep, 307-mile-long Lake Michigan have made it extremely difficult to locate.

One expert notes, "We don't know exactly what those terrorists are doing in our lakes but one thing we do know is that they're not out joy-riding, and they're not offering to take people out for submarine rides."

The expert ends with an ominous warning: "If we don't do something about those subs soon, we'll be in big trouble."


TOPICS: News/Current Events; US: Michigan; War on Terror
KEYWORDS: blackhelicopter; farce; humor; iraqi; lake; michigan; silly; submarine
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Umm ... riiiiight.
1 posted on 03/09/2003 8:55:38 AM PST by pennywise
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To: pennywise
They're trout fishing.
2 posted on 03/09/2003 8:56:46 AM PST by johniegrad
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To: pennywise
Ahh, it's just Ted driving home from the bar..
3 posted on 03/09/2003 8:56:52 AM PST by Jhoffa_ ("HI, I'm Johnny Knoxville and this is FReepin' for Zot!")
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To: Jhoffa_
Giggle
4 posted on 03/09/2003 8:58:03 AM PST by MEG33
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To: pennywise
Actully, this has been multiply posted and was in the supermarket tabloids about a month or two ago.
5 posted on 03/09/2003 8:58:19 AM PST by johniegrad
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To: pennywise
Are you sure this isn't from "The Onion"?
6 posted on 03/09/2003 8:58:45 AM PST by pgkdan
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To: pennywise
what kind of source is weekly world news?
7 posted on 03/09/2003 8:59:52 AM PST by Mr. K (looking for love in all the right places (not left))
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To: pgkdan
Oh never mind...I see where it's from! I thought it was Worldnet.com...
8 posted on 03/09/2003 9:00:36 AM PST by pgkdan
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To: pennywise
I'm assuming you also heard that Sadaam's a cross dresser and hates hummus, right?
9 posted on 03/09/2003 9:02:15 AM PST by Cosmo (Liberalism is for girls)
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To: pgkdan
Are you sure this isn't from "The Onion"?
Not even the Chinese would pick up a WWN story and print it as fact.

-Eric

10 posted on 03/09/2003 9:02:35 AM PST by E Rocc
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To: pennywise
Noooo! Not Minnesoooota! I gadda run to the phooone and tell my friends.!
11 posted on 03/09/2003 9:02:58 AM PST by Lijahsbubbe
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To: Mr. K
what kind of source is weekly world news?

Supermarket tabloid. Usually has headlines about alien babies and 2-headed puppies. Not to worry. This story is good for a chuckle, nothing more.

12 posted on 03/09/2003 9:04:45 AM PST by Semper911 (For some people, bread and circus are not enough. Hence, FreeRepublic.com)
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To: pennywise
Hahahaha!

I sometimes buy that rag at the grocery store. With the World Weekly News and a six-pack, you can laugh for at least an hour.

13 posted on 03/09/2003 9:05:13 AM PST by LibKill (If you stare into my tag line long enough, it stares into you.)
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To: pennywise
Where's Ed Anger when you need him?
14 posted on 03/09/2003 9:06:38 AM PST by P.O.E. (God Bless and keep safe our troops.)
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To: pennywise
Don't worry, this sub will get blasted from outer space.
15 posted on 03/09/2003 9:06:55 AM PST by dighton
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To: pennywise
Be afraid, be very afraid
Report has Ibn Fadlan's group
moving north by boat.
They have deadly weapons and
are going to commit genocide.
16 posted on 03/09/2003 9:07:16 AM PST by HuntsvilleTxVeteran (chIRAQ & sadDAM are bedfellows & clinton is a raping traitor!)
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To: pennywise

17 posted on 03/09/2003 9:07:35 AM PST by Apple Pan Dowdy (... as American as Apple Pie)
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To: pgkdan
And you consider them reliable?
18 posted on 03/09/2003 9:07:56 AM PST by Arkie2 (TSA ="Thousands standing around")
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To: Apple Pan Dowdy
Thanks I'd let my supply run low!
19 posted on 03/09/2003 9:09:42 AM PST by MEG33
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To: All
Navy Seals--no way!!! This is a job for Bat Boy!!! Quick, someone post a pic of the Bat Boy. That ought to put the fear of allah into those Iraqi submariners!
20 posted on 03/09/2003 9:10:44 AM PST by demnomo
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To: pennywise
This is Sirius...


21 posted on 03/09/2003 9:11:34 AM PST by Drango (Two wrongs don't make a right...but three lefts do!)
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To: pennywise

Iraqi Sub-Hunter on Patrol

22 posted on 03/09/2003 9:11:59 AM PST by TADSLOS (Sua Sponte)
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To: pennywise

23 posted on 03/09/2003 9:12:50 AM PST by A Vast RightWing Conspirator
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To: demnomo

24 posted on 03/09/2003 9:13:41 AM PST by dighton
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To: pennywise
Aren't the great lakes pretty well frozen right now?
25 posted on 03/09/2003 9:13:55 AM PST by Skip Ripley
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To: pennywise
Pic just posted!


26 posted on 03/09/2003 9:14:28 AM PST by pabianice
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To: pabianice

27 posted on 03/09/2003 9:16:09 AM PST by Hazzardgate
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To: dighton
Thanks for the pic post. Between Bat Boy and the aliens, I feel pretty safe.
28 posted on 03/09/2003 9:17:47 AM PST by demnomo
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To: pennywise
And I was just swearing off Italian subs....
29 posted on 03/09/2003 9:19:02 AM PST by 8mmMauser (UN Done)
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To: pennywise
mini-subs which can carry up to six passengers and stay submerged for days at a time

Yeah, right.

I find it rather "eye-rolling" to think that the technology necessary to conceive, produce and incorporate the batteries needed for such a weapon could come from the middle east.

Ooops. I forgot, there is that 3,000 year old remains of a supposed battery discovered in Iraq. Before there was even a need for stored electrical energy. Hmmmm, maybe there is something here to look into (typing slowly with one hand while fashioning aluminum foil into full body suit).

30 posted on 03/09/2003 9:24:52 AM PST by woofer
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To: LibKill
I sometimes buy that rag at the grocery store

Me too. Well, actually, I make my wife buy it because I'm too embarassed. But I truly believe it has some of the best comedic writing out there. It' rare that I'll read the thing and not laugh out loud half a dozen times.Some very clever people write for WWN. (and their short lived TV show, anchored by Edwin Newman, was a howl.)

31 posted on 03/09/2003 9:25:44 AM PST by PaulJ
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To: demnomo
Between Bat Boy and the aliens, I feel pretty safe.

It pains me to remind everyone . . .

BATBOY ENDORSES GORE

ANN ARBOR, Mich. - Bat Boy is on the loose again - and this time, the little guy is endorsing Al Gore for President! Aides scurried for cover and the Vice President’s jaw dropped in shock, sources say, when the shrieking, 2-foot, 6-inch mutant half-walked, half-flew into a Gore campaign office near here.

“Of course, we all knew who Bat Boy was,” said one campaign worker. “But we were jumpy because he has a reputation for being kind of unpredictable. And to tell you the truth, he’s even scarier-looking in person than he is in the newspaper.”

But Bat Boy, who hadn’t been seen since he escaped from a Georgia laboratory two weeks ago, quickly made it clear that his mission was a friendly one.

“Bat Boy can’t talk, of course - but he showed us in his own inimitable way that he was there to endorse our man,” the aide said. “He started screeching and excitedly pointing at a ‘Gore for President’ sign and shaking his head ‘yes, yes, yes.’

“Then he hopped over and started patting Mr. Gore on the back and shaking his head ‘yes, yes, yes’ again.

“When he spotted a bumper sticker that said, ‘I’m voting for Al Gore,’ he held it across his chest and began excitedly pointing at himself. It was clear that he was saying, ‘Yep, I’m voting for him myself.’”

Witnesses said the little refugee from the mountains of Virginia flitted around the office for 10 minutes or so, then walked over to Gore and extended his gnarled little hand. After a moment’s hesitation, the Vice President extended his and the two shook hands vigorously before stopping to pose for photographers.

Then all hell broke loose.

“He was moving toward the door and people were saying goodbye to him and I thought he was going to leave,” the Vice President recalled. “But suddenly, he shrieked and ripped off his coat and tie and shirt until he was totally bare-chested. And then he came up and gave me a ‘love bite’ on the shoulder that I’ll never forget.

“I’ll probably have a scar, but that’s OK, because I know he was just trying to be friendly.

“Then, while I was still rubbing my shoulder, he scooted out the door and just disappeared down the street.”

Copyright © 2000-2001 American Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved


32 posted on 03/09/2003 9:28:30 AM PST by dighton
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To: pennywise
Greetings pennywise, Freepers, et al:

ROFLMAO!

Call Harry Zych if an Iraqi submarine is in Lake Michigan, Harry will find it.


33 posted on 03/09/2003 9:29:52 AM PST by OneLoyalAmerican (This charade has gone on long enough, it is time to liberate the Iraqi people.)
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To: pennywise
Supersize the Tin foil on my order.

So9

34 posted on 03/09/2003 9:30:51 AM PST by Servant of the Nine (Republicans for Sharpton)
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To: pennywise
There seems to be a need for more tinfoil in Michigan these days!

In any event, those Iraqis are freezing their a*s off on mini-subs in Lake Michigan in March.

35 posted on 03/09/2003 9:31:34 AM PST by expatpat
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To: pennywise
You failed to warn us to first put on our tin foil hats prior to reading. Shame on you.
36 posted on 03/09/2003 9:32:22 AM PST by fso301
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To: A Vast RightWing Conspirator; All
Ya'll are killin' me!
37 posted on 03/09/2003 9:33:32 AM PST by MEG33
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To: pennywise
I'm sure it's captained by Bat-Boy.

Favorite all-time WWN headline:

4-Year Study Reveals: UFO's are Piloted by Angels from God!
38 posted on 03/09/2003 9:34:54 AM PST by FreedomPoster (This Space Intentionally Blank)
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To: dighton
Bat Boy endorsed Gore? Well, see if I wear his T-shirt ever again. That garment is going into the trash ASAP. Humph. At least, I've still got my neon alien key chain for luck.
39 posted on 03/09/2003 9:36:58 AM PST by demnomo
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To: pgkdan
That's what I thought too. Whew. Glad it's not real.

Oh never mind...I see where it's from! I thought it was Worldnet.com...

40 posted on 03/09/2003 9:45:46 AM PST by GOPJ
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To: pennywise
I bet that Nazi submarine hidden in Chicago is giving them help. The US Navy could never find it because the crafty devils put it on dry land behind the Science and Industry building.
41 posted on 03/09/2003 9:48:13 AM PST by Swiss
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To: pennywise
Iraqis make it to the 18th century with their new submarine.


42 posted on 03/09/2003 9:49:35 AM PST by Lady Jag (Googolplex Star Thinker of the Seventh Galaxy of Light and Ingenuity)
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To: pennywise
The frightening thing is that the left is credulous enough to actually believe this whopper.
43 posted on 03/09/2003 9:51:10 AM PST by Man of the Right
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To: Mr. K
It's the wackiest of the tabloids at your local market ... alien babies, etc.
44 posted on 03/09/2003 9:57:00 AM PST by BunnySlippers
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Comment #45 Removed by Moderator

To: MEG33
This sounds like a fishy story.
46 posted on 03/09/2003 10:09:07 AM PST by tessalu
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To: pgkdan
I woulda guessed Debka.
47 posted on 03/09/2003 10:13:43 AM PST by Pharmboy (Dems lie 'cause they have to)
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To: tessalu
You think?!
48 posted on 03/09/2003 10:15:08 AM PST by MEG33
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To: pennywise
No mention was made of all the problems Iraqi submariners encountered while in Lake Michigan: propellers becoming entangled with skeletons wearing concrete-filled buckets, rudders jammed with 50+ years' worth of monofilament fishing line donated by paunchy Wisconsinites, and - worst of all - periscopes being obstructed by large quantities of used... uhh... "latex devices."
49 posted on 03/09/2003 10:19:17 AM PST by niteowl77
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To: edskid
You folks are just uninformed skeptics...I see them subs all the time...
50 posted on 03/09/2003 10:25:27 AM PST by Iscool
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