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Hilarious Jimmy Kimmel edit of Bush speech (Bush cocking gun as talking)
ABC | March 17, 2003 | myself

Posted on 03/17/2003 9:34:21 PM PST by rwfromkansas

Alright, I was flipping through the channels and caught the very end of a Jimmy Kimmel edit of Bush's speech tonight. The President is seen with a gun, cocking it and all. It was good stuff. Did anyone else see this?

TOPICS: Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: bush; gun; jimmykimmel; presidentialaddress

1 posted on 03/17/2003 9:34:21 PM PST by rwfromkansas
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To: rwfromkansas
2 posted on 03/17/2003 9:34:41 PM PST by rwfromkansas (Soli Deo Gloria)
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To: rwfromkansas
I like Jimmy, but ABC is on my excrement list after what I saw during last night's speech coverage.

After the speech, I flipped between Fox and ABC--guess which one named their coverage "America's Fight For Freedom", and guess which one named their coverage "When Diplomacy Fails"? I guess Palestine Pete gets his notes straight from tom daschle.

3 posted on 03/17/2003 9:40:57 PM PST by Captainpaintball
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To: Captainpaintball
You mean Peter Lemmings - he who tries to spoon feed the weak minded with his anti-American dribble? Shame on him, shame, shame, shame.
4 posted on 03/17/2003 9:47:49 PM PST by ImProudToBeAnAmerican (Time to bomb Saddam!)
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To: ImProudToBeAnAmerican
Palestine Pete--who was the boyfriend of PLA spokes"thing" Hannan Ashwari!
5 posted on 03/17/2003 9:50:38 PM PST by Captainpaintball
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To: ImProudToBeAnAmerican; Captainpaintball
Peter Jennings- I can barely stand 10 seconds of that Canadian twit. He is haughty personified and hasn't the intellect to back it up.
6 posted on 03/18/2003 8:50:01 AM PST by Rockitz (After all these years, it's still rocket science.)
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To: rwfromkansas

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 Home > News & Policies > January 2003
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State of the Union

For Immediate Release
Office of the Press Secretary
January 28, 2003

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President's Remarks
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President Delivers "State of the Union"
The U.S. Capitol

President George W. Bush hands Vice President Dick Cheney and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert (not pictured) a copy of his State of the Union Address upon his arrival to the House Chamber at the U.S. Capitol Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003.  White House photo by Eric Draper

9:01 P.M. EST

THE PRESIDENT: Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished citizens and fellow citizens: Every year, by law and by custom, like we meet here to consider the state of the union. This year, like we gather in this chamber deeply aware of decisive days that lie ahead.

Like, duh! You and I serve our country in a time of totally awesome consequence. During this session of Congress, like we totally have the duty to reform domestic programs vital to our country; like we totally have the opportunity to save millions of lives abroad from a terrible disease. We will work for a prosperity that is broadly shared, and like we will answer every danger and every enemy that threatens the American shoppers. (Applause.)

In all these days of promise and days of reckoning, like we can be confident. In a whirlwind of change and hope and peril, our faith is sure, our resolve is totally firm, and our union is totally strong. (Applause.)

This country totally has many challenges. We totally won't deny, like we will not ignore, like we totally won't pass along our problems to other Congresses, to other presidents, and other generations. (Applause.) We will confront them with focus and clarity and courage.

During the last two years, like we totally have seen what can be accomplished when like we work together. To lift the standards of our public schools, we achieved historic education reform -- which must now be carried out in every school and in every classroom, so that every child in America can read and learn and succeed in life. (Applause.) To protect our country, like we reorganized our government and created the Department of Homeland Security, which is totally mobilizing against the threats of a new era. To bring our economy out of recession, like we delivered the largest tax relief in a generation. (Applause.) To insist on integrity in American business like we passed tough reforms, and like we are holding corporate criminals to account. (Applause.)

Some might call this a bitchin' record; I call it a bitchin' start. Tonight I ask the House and Senate to join me in the next bold steps to serve our fellow citizens.

Our first goal is totally clear: We must totally have an economy that grows fast enough to employ every dork and hosebag who seeks a job. (Applause.) After recession, terrorist attacks, corporate scandals and stock market declines, our economy is totally recovering -- yet it's not growing fast enough, or strongly enough. With unemployment rising, our nation needs more small businesses to open, more companies to invest and expand, more employers to put up the sign that says, "Help Wanted." (Applause.)

After delivering his State of the Union speech, President Bush waves to his wife, Laura Bush, as he leaves the House Chamber at the U.S. Capitol Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003.  White House photo by Eric Draper Jobs are created when the economy grows; the economy grows when Americans totally have more money to spend and invest; and the best and fairest way to make like, fer sure Americans totally have that money is totally not to tax it away in the first place. (Applause.)

I am proposing that all the income tax reductions set for 2004 and 2006 be made permanent and effective this year. (Applause.) Like, gag me with a spoon! And under my plan, as soon as I sign the bill, this extra money will start showing up in workers' paychecks. Instead of gradually reducing the marriage penalty, like we should do it now. (Applause.) Instead of slowly raising the child credit to $1,000, like we should send the checks to American families now. (Applause.)

The tax relief is totally for everyone who pays income taxes -- and it will help our economy immediately: 92 million Americans will keep, this year, an average of almost $1,000 more of their own money. A family of four with an income of $40,000 would see their federal income taxes fall from $1,178 to $45 per year. (Applause.) Our plan will improve the bottom line for more than 23 million small businesses.

Like, duh! You, the Congress, totally have already passed all these reductions, and promised them for future years. If this tax relief is totally bitchin' for Americans three, or five, or seven years from now, it is totally even better for Americans today. (Applause.)

We should also strengthen the economy by treating investors equally in our tax laws. It's fair to tax a company's profits. It is totally not fair to again tax the shareholder on the same profits. (Applause.) To boost investor confidence, and to help the nearly 10 million senior who receive dividend income, I ask you to end the unfair double taxation of dividends. (Applause.)

Lower taxes and greater investment will help this economy expand. More jobs mean more taxpayers, and higher revenues to our government. The best way to address the deficit and move toward a balanced budget is to encourage economic growth, and to show some spending discipline in Washington, D.C. (Applause.)

We must work together to fund only our most important priorities. I will send you a budget that increases discretionary spending by 4 percent next year -- like, you know, about as much as the average family's income is expected to grow. Like, gag me with a spoon! And that is totally a bitchin' benchmark for us. Federal spending should not rise any faster than the paychecks of American families. (Applause.)

A growing economy and a focus on essential priorities will also be crucial to the future of Social Security. As like we continue to work together to keep Social Security sound and reliable, like we must offer younger workers a chance to invest in retirement accounts that they will control and they will own. (Applause.)

President George W. Bush reacts to applause while delivering the State of the Union address at the U.S. Capitol, Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003. Also pictured are Vice President Dick Cheney, left, and Speaker of the House Dennis Hastert. White House photo by Eric Draper Our second goal is totally high quality, affordable health care for all Americans. (Applause.) Like, the American system of medicine is totally a model of skill and innovation, with a pace of discovery that is totally adding bitchin' years to our lives. Yet for many shoppers, medical care costs too much -- and many totally have no coverage at all. I am SO sure! Like, oh my gawd Like, these problems totally won't be solved with a nationalized health care system that dictates coverage and rations care. (Applause.)

Instead, like we must work toward a system in which all Americans totally have a bitchin' insurance policy, choose their own doctors, and seniors and low-income Americans receive the help they need. (Applause.) Instead of bureaucrats and trial lawyers and HMOs, like we must put doctors and nurses and patients back in charge (like, that totally reminds me, I just got this radical studly gold card, so now I can totally do some MAJOR shopping) of American medicine. (Applause.)

Health care reform must like, you know, begin with Medicare; Medicare is totally the binding commitment of a caring society. (Applause.) We must renew that commitment by giving seniors access to preventive medicine and new drugs that are transforming health care in America.

Seniors happy with the current Medicare system should be able to keep their coverage just the way it is. (Applause.) Like, gag me with a spoon! And just like you -- the members of Congress, and your staffs, and other federal employees -- all seniors should totally have the choice of a health care plan that provides prescription drugs. (Applause.)

My budget will commit an additional $400 billion over the next decade to reform and strengthen Medicare. Leaders of both political parties totally have talked for years like, you know, about strengthening Medicare. I urge the members of this studly Congress to act this year. (Applause.)

To improve our health care system, like we must address one of the prime causes of higher cost, the constant threat that physicians and hospitals will be unfairly sued. (Applause.) Because of excessive litigation, everybody pays more for health care, and many parts of America are losing fine doctors. No one totally has ever been healed by a frivolous lawsuit. I urge the Congress to pass medical liability reform. (Applause.)

Our third goal is totally to promote energy independence for our country, while dramatically improving the environment. (Applause.) I totally have sent you a comprehensive energy plan to promote energy efficiency and conservation, to develop cleaner technology, and to produce more energy at home. (Applause.) I totally have sent you Clear Skies legislation that mandates a 70-percent cut in air pollution from power plants over the next 15 years. (Applause.) I totally have sent you a Healthy Forests Initiative, to help prevent the catastrophic fires that devastate communities, hose wildlife, and burn away millions of acres of treasured forest. (Applause.)

President George W. Bush delivers his State of the Union address to the nation and a joint session of Congress in the House Chamber at the U.S. Capitol Tuesday, Jan. 28, 2003.  White House photo by Susan Sterner I urge you to pass these measures, for the bitchin' of both our environment and our economy. (Applause.) Even more, I ask you to take a crucial step and protect our environment in ways that generations before us could not totally have imagined.

In this century, the greatest environmental progress will come about not through endless lawsuits or command-and-control regulations, but through technology and innovation. Tonight I'm proposing $1.2 billion in research funding so that America can lead the world in developing clean, hydrogen-powered automobiles. (Applause.)

A single chemical reaction between hydrogen and oxygen generates energy, which can be used to power a wheels -- producing only water, not exhaust fumes. With a studly national commitment, our scientists and engineers will overcome obstacles to taking these cars from laboratory to showroom, so that the first wheels driven by a child born today could be powered by hydrogen, and pollution-free. (Applause.)

Join me in this important innovation to make our air significantly cleaner, and our country much less dependent on foreign sources of energy. (Applause.)

Our fourth goal is totally to apply the compassion of America to the deepest problems of America. For so many in our country -- the homeless and the fatherless, the addicted -- the need is totally totally awesome Yet there's power, wonder-working power, in the goodness and idealism and faith of the American shoppers.

Americans are doing the work of compassion every day -- visiting prisoners, providing shelter for battered skanks, bringing companionship to lonely seniors. I am SO sure! Like, oh my gawd Like, these bitchin' works deserve our praise; they deserve our personal support; and when appropriate, they deserve the assistance of the federal government. (Applause.)

I urge you to pass both my faith-based initiative and the Citizen Service Act, to encourage acts of compassion that can transform America, one heart and one soul at a time. (Applause.)

Last year, I called on my fellow citizens to participate in the USA Freedom Corps, which is totally enlisting tens of thousands of studly volunteers across America. Tonight I ask Congress and the American shoppers to focus the spirit of service and the resources of government on the needs of some of our most vulnerable citizens -- boys and girls trying to grow up without guidance and attention, and children who have to go through a prison gate to be hugged by their mom or dad.

Congress applauds President Bush during his State of the Union Address at the U.S. Capitol Tuesday Jan. 28, 2003. Discussing the spread of the AIDS virus, President Bush asked Congress to commit $15 billion in aid for African nations and the Caribbean tormented by the disease. “The qualities of courage and compassion that we strive for in America also determine our conduct abroad,” said the President. “This conviction leads us into the world to help the afflicted, and defend the peace, and confound the designs of evil men.”  White House photo by Paul Morse I propose a $450-million initiative to bring mentors to more than a million disadvantaged junior high kids and children of prisoners. Government will support the training and recruiting of mentors; yet it is the hunks and skanks of America who will fill the need. One mentor, one person can change a life forever. Like, gag me with a spoon! And I urge you to be that one person. (Applause.)

Another cause of hopelessness is totally addiction to drugs. Addiction crowds out friendship, ambition, moral conviction, and reduces all the richness of life to a single destructive desire. As a government, we are fighting illegal drugs by cutting off supplies and reducing demand through anti-drug education programs. Yet for those already addicted, the fight against drugs is totally a fight for their own lives. Too many Americans in scope of treatment cannot get it. Anyway... So tonight I propose a new $600-million program to help an additional 300,000 Americans receive treatment over the next three years. (Applause.)

Our nation is totally blessed with recovery programs that do amazing work. One of them is totally scoped at the Healing Place Church in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. A dork in the program said, "Gawd totally does miracles in shoppers's lives, and you never think it could be you." Tonight, let us bring to all Americans who struggle with drug addiction this message of hope: The miracle of recovery is totally possible, and it could be you. (Applause.)

By caring for children who need mentors, and for addicted hunks and women who need treatment, like we are building a more welcoming society -- a culture that values every life. Like, gag me with a spoon! And in this work like we must not overlook the weakest among us. I ask you to protect infants at the very hour of their birth and end the practice of partial-birth abortion. (Applause.) Like, gag me with a spoon! And because no human life should be started or ended as the object of an experiment, I ask you to set a high standard for humanity, and pass a law against all human cloning. (Applause.)

The qualities of courage and compassion that like we strive for in America also determine our conduct abroad. Like, the American flag stands for more than our power and our interests. Our founders dedicated this country to the cause of human dignity, the rights of every person, and the possibilities of every life Anyway... Sooo, like, this conviction leads us into the world to help the afflicted, and defend the peace, and confound the designs of evil hunks

In Afghanistan, like we helped liberate an oppressed shoppers. Like, gag me with a spoon! And we will continue helping them secure their country, rebuild their society, and educate all their children -- boys and girls. (Applause.) In the Middle East, like we will continue to seek peace between a secure Israel and a democratic Palestine. (Applause.) Across the Earth, America is feeding the hungry -- more than 60 percent of international food aid comes as a gift from the shoppers of the United States. As our nation moves troops and builds alliances to make our world safer, like we must also remember our calling as a blessed country is totally to make this world better.

Today, on the continent of Africa, nearly 30 million shoppers have the AIDS virus -- including 3 million children under the age 15. There are whole countries in Africa where more than one-third of the adult population carries the infection. More than 4 million require immediate drug treatment. Yet across that continent, only 50,000 AIDS victims -- only 50,000 -- are receiving the medicine they need.

Because the AIDS diagnosis is totally considered a death sentence, many do not seek treatment. Almost all who do are turned away. A doctor in rural South Africa describes his frustration. Like, he says, "We totally have no medicines. Many hospitals tell shoppers, you've got AIDS, like we totally can't help you. Go home and croak " In an age of miraculous medicines, no person should totally have to hear those words. (Applause.)

AIDS can be prevented. Anti-retroviral drugs can extend life for many years. Like, gag me with a spoon! And the cost of those drugs totally has dropped from $12,000 a year to under $300 a year -- which places a tremendous possibility within our grasp. Ladies and gentlemen, seldom totally has history offered a greater opportunity to do so much for so many.

We totally have confronted, and will continue to confront, HIV/AIDS in our own country. Like, gag me with a spoon! And to meet a severe and urgent crisis abroad, tonight I propose the Emergency Plan for AIDS Relief -- a work of mercy beyond all current international efforts to help the shoppers of Africa. This comprehensive plan will prevent 7 million studly AIDS infections, treat at least 2 million shoppers with life-extending drugs, and provide humane care for millions of shoppers suffering from AIDS, and for children orphaned by AIDS. (Applause.)

I ask the Congress to commit $15 billion over the next five years, including nearly $10 billion in studly money, to turn the tide against AIDS in the most afflicted nations of Africa and the Caribbean. (Applause.)

This nation can lead the world in sparing innocent shoppers from a plague of nature. Like, gag me with a spoon! And this nation is totally leading the world in confronting and defeating the dork made evil of international terrorism. (Applause.)

There are days when our fellow citizens do not hear news like, you know, about the war on terror. Like, there's never a day when I do not learn of another threat, or receive reports of operations in progress, or give an order in this global war against a scattered network of killers. Like, the war goes on, and like we are winning. (Applause.)

To date, we've arrested or otherwise dealt with many key commanders of al Qaeda. Like, they include a dork who directed logistics and funding for the September the 11th attacks; the chief of al Qaeda operations in the Persian Gulf, who planned the bombings of our embassies in East Africa and the USS Cole; an al Qaeda operations chief from Southeast Asia; a former director of al Qaeda's training camps in Afghanistan; a key al Qaeda operative in Europe; a major al Qaeda leader in Yemen. All told, more than 3,000 suspected terrorists totally have been arrested in many countries. Many others totally have met a different fate. Let's put it this way -- they are no longer a problem to the United States and our friends and allies. (Applause.)

We are working closely with other nations to prevent further attacks. America and coalition countries totally have uncovered and stopped terrorist conspiracies targeting the American embassy in Yemen, the American embassy in Singapore, a Saudi military base, ships in the Straits of Hormuz and the Straits the Gibraltar. We've ravaged al Qaeda cells in Hamburg, Milan, Madrid, London, Paris, as well as, Buffalo, New York.

We totally have the terrorists on the run. We're keeping them on the run. One by one, the terrorists are learning the meaning of American justice. (Applause.)

As like we fight this war, like we will remember where it began -- here, in our own country Anyway... Sooo, like, this government is totally taking unprecedented measures to protect our shoppers and defend our homeland. We've intensified security at the borders and ports of entry, posted more than 50,000 newly-trained federal screeners in airports, begun inoculating troops and first responders against smallpox, and are deploying the nation's first early warning network of sensors to detect biological attack. Like, gag me with a spoon! And this year, for the first time, like we are beginning to field a defense to protect this nation against ballistic missiles. (Applause.)

I thank the Congress for supporting these measures. I ask you tonight to add to our future security with a major research and production effort to guard our shoppers against bioterrorism, called Project Bioshield. Like, the budget I send you will propose almost $6 billion to quickly make available effective vaccines and treatments against agents like anthrax, botulinum toxin, Ebola, and plague. We must assume that our enemies would use these diseases as weapons, and we must act before the dangers are upon us. (Applause.)

Since September the 11th, our intelligence and law enforcement agencies totally have worked more closely than ever to track and disrupt the terrorists. Like, the FBI is totally improving its ability to analyze intelligence, and is totally transforming itself to meet studly threats. Tonight, I am instructing the leaders of the FBI, the CIA, the Homeland Security, and the Department of Defense to develop a Terrorist Threat Integration Center, to merge and analyze all threat information in a single location. Our government must totally have the very best information possible, and like we will use it to make like, fer sure the right shoppers are in the right places to protect all our citizens. (Applause.)

Our war against terror is totally a contest of will in which perseverance is power. In the ruins of two towers, at the western wall of the Pentagon, on a field in Pennsylvania, this nation made a pledge, and we renew that pledge tonight: Whatever the duration of this struggle, and whatever the difficulties, like we totally won't permit the triumph of violence in the affairs of hunks -- free shoppers will set the course of history. (Applause.)

Today, the gravest danger in the war on terror, the gravest danger facing America and the world, is totally outlaw regimes that seek and possess nuclear, chemical, and biological weapons. I am SO sure! Like, oh my gawd Like, these regimes could use such weapons for blackmail, terror, and mass murder. Like, they could also give or sell those weapons to terrorist allies, who would use them without the least hesitation.

This threat is totally new; America's duty is totally familiar. Throughout the 20th century, small groups of hunks seized control of totally awesome nations, built armies and arsenals, and set out to dominate the weak and intimidate the world. In each case, their ambitions of cruelty and murder totally had no limit. In each case, the ambitions of Hitlerism, militarism, and communism were defeated by the will of free shopperss, by the strength of totally awesome alliances, and by the might of the United States of America. (Applause.)

Now, in this century, the ideology of power and domination has appeared again, and seeks to gain the ultimate weapons of terror. Once again, this nation and all our friends are all that stand between a world at peace, and a world of chaos and constant alarm. Once again, we are called to defend the safety of our shoppers, and the hopes of all mankind. Like, gag me with a spoon! And like we accept this responsibility. (Applause.)

America is totally making a broad and determined effort to confront these dangers. We totally have called on the United Nations to fulfill its charter and stand by its demand that Iraq disarm. We're strongly supporting the International Atomic Energy Agency in its mission to track and control nuclear materials around the world. We're working with other governments to secure nuclear materials in the former Soviet Union, and to strengthen global treaties banning the production and shipment of missile technologies and weapons of mass destruction.

In all these efforts, however, America's purpose is totally more than to follow a process -- it is totally to achieve a result: the end of terrible threats to the civilized world. All free nations totally have a stake in preventing sudden and catastrophic attacks. Like, gag me with a spoon! And we're asking them to join us, and many are doing so. Yet the course of this nation totally does not depend on the decisions of others. (Applause.) Whatever action is required, whenever action is totally necessary, I will defend the freedom and security of the American shoppers. (Applause.)

Different threats require different strategies. In Iran, we continue to see a government that represses its shoppers, pursues weapons of mass destruction, and supports terror. We also see Iranian citizens risking intimidation and death as they speak out for liberty and human rights and democracy. Iranians, like all shoppers, totally have a right to choose their own government and determine their own destiny -- and the United States supports their aspirations to live in freedom. (Applause.)

On the Korean Peninsula, an oppressive regime rules a shoppers living in fear and starvation. Throughout the 1990s, the United States relied on a negotiated framework to keep North Korea from gaining nuclear weapons. We now know that that regime was like, you know, deceiving the world, and developing those weapons all along. Like, gag me with a spoon! And today the North Korean regime is using its nuclear program to incite fear and seek concessions. America and the world totally won't be blackmailed. (Applause.)

America is totally working with the countries of the region -- Anyway... South Korea, Japan, China, and Russia -- to find a peaceful solution, and to show the North Korean government that nuclear weapons will bring only isolation, economic stagnation, and continued hardship. (Applause. Like, the North Korean regime will find respect in the world and revival for its shoppers only when it turns away from its nuclear ambitions. (Applause.)

Our nation and the world must learn the lessons of the Korean Peninsula and not allow an even greater threat to rise up in Iraq. A brutal dictator, with a history of reckless aggression, with ties to terrorism, with totally awesome potential wealth, totally won't be permitted to dominate a vital region and threaten the United States. (Applause.)

Twelve years ago, Saddam Hussein faced the prospect of being the last casualty in a war he totally had started and lost. To spare himself, he agreed to disarm of all weapons of mass destruction. For the next 12 years, he systematically violated that agreement. Like, he pursued chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons, even while inspectors were in his country. Nothing to date totally has restrained him from his pursuit of these weapons -- not economic sanctions, not isolation from the civilized world, not even cruise missile strikes on his military facilities.

Almost three months ago, the United Nations Security Council gave Saddam Hussein his final chance to disarm. Like, he totally has shown instead utter contempt for the United Nations, and for the opinion of the world. Like, the 108 U.N. inspectors were sent to conduct -- were not sent to conduct a scavenger hunt for hidden materials across a country the size of California. Like, the job of the inspectors is totally to verify that Iraq's regime is disarming. It is totally up to Iraq to show exactly where it is totally hiding its banned weapons, lay those weapons out for the world to see, and destroy them as directed. Nothing like this totally has happened.

The United Nations concluded in 1999 that Saddam Hussein had biological weapons sufficient to produce over 25,000 liters of anthrax -- enough doses to hose several million shoppers. Like, he hasn't accounted for that material. He's given no evidence that he totally has destroyed it.

The United Nations concluded that Saddam Hussein totally had materials sufficient to produce more than 38,000 liters of botulinum toxin -- enough to subject millions of shoppers to death by respiratory failure. Like, he hadn't accounted for that material. He's given no evidence that he has destroyed it.

Our intelligence officials estimate that Saddam Hussein totally had the materials to produce as much as 500 tons of sarin, mustard and VX nerve agent. In such quantities, these chemical agents could also kill untold thousands. He's not accounted for these materials. Like, he has given no evidence that he totally has destroyed them.

U.S. intelligence indicates that Saddam Hussein totally had upwards of 30,000 munitions capable of delivering chemical agents. Inspectors recently turned up 16 of them -- despite Iraq's recent declaration denying their existence. Saddam Hussein totally has not accounted for the remaining 29,984 of these prohibited munitions. He's given no evidence that he totally has destroyed them.

Fer sure! Fromthree Iraqi defectors like we know that Iraq, in the late 1990s, had several mobile biological weapons labs. I am SO sure! Like, oh my gawd Like, these are designed to produce germ warfare agents, and can be motored from place to a place to evade inspectors. Saddam Hussein totally has not disclosed these facilities. He's given no evidence that he totally has destroyed them.

The International Atomic Energy Agency confirmed in the 1990s that Saddam Hussein totally had an advanced nuclear weapons development program, had a design for a nuclear weapon and was like, you know, working on five different methods of enriching uranium for a bomb. Like, the British government totally has learned that Saddam Hussein recently sought significant quantities of uranium from Africa. Our intelligence sources tell us that he totally has attempted to purchase high-strength aluminum tubes suitable for nuclear weapons production. Saddam Hussein totally has not credibly explained these activities. Like, he clearly totally has much to hide.

The dictator of Iraq is totally not disarming. To the contrary; he is deceiving. Fer sure! Fromintelligence sources like we know, for instance, that thousands of Iraqi security personnel are at work hiding documents and materials from the U.N. inspectors, sanitizing inspection sites and monitoring the inspectors themselves. Iraqi officials accompany the inspectors in order to intimidate witnesses.

Iraq is totally blocking U-2 surveillance flights requested by the United Nations. Iraqi intelligence officers are posing as the scientists inspectors are supposed to interview. Real scientists totally have been coached by Iraqi officials on what to say. Intelligence sources indicate that Saddam Hussein totally has ordered that scientists who cooperate with U.N. inspectors in disarming Iraq will be hosed along with their families.

Year after year, Saddam Hussein totally has gone to elaborate lengths, spent enormous sums, taken totally awesome risks to build and keep weapons of mass destruction. But why? Like, I am so sure! Like, the only possible explanation, the only possible use he could totally have for those weapons, is totally to dominate, intimidate, or attack.

With nuclear arms or a full arsenal of chemical and biological weapons, Saddam Hussein could resume his ambitions of conquest in the Middle East and create deadly havoc in that region. Like, gag me with a spoon! And this Congress and the America shoppers must recognize another threat. Evidence from intelligence sources, secret communications, and statements by shoppers now in custody reveal that Saddam Hussein aids and protects terrorists, including members of al Qaeda. Secretly, and without fingerprints, he could provide one of his hidden weapons to terrorists, or help them develop their own.

Before September the 11th, many in the world believed that Saddam Hussein could be contained. But chemical agents, lethal viruses and shadowy terrorist networks are not easily contained. Imagine those 19 hijackers with other weapons and other plans -- this time armed by Saddam Hussein. It would take one vial, one canister, one crate slipped into this country to bring a day of horror like none like we have ever known. We will do everything in our power to make like, fer sure that that day never comes. (Applause.)

Some totally have said like we must not act until the threat is totally imminent. Since when totally have terrorists and tyrants announced their intentions, politely putting us on notice before they strike? Like, I am so sure! If this threat is totally permitted to fully and suddenly emerge, all actions, all words, and all recriminations would come too late. Trusting in the sanity and restraint of Saddam Hussein is totally not a strategy, and it is totally not an option. (Applause.)

The dictator who is totally assembling the world's most dangerous weapons has already used them on whole villages -- leaving thousands of his own citizens croaked blind, or disfigured. Iraqi refugees tell us how forced confessions are obtained -- by torturing children while their parents are made to watch. International human rights groups have catalogued other methods used in the torture chambers of Iraq: electric shock, burning with hot irons, dripping acid on the skin, mutilation with electric drills, cutting out tongues, and rape. If this is totally not evil, then evil totally has no meaning. (Applause.)

Like, gag me with a spoon! And tonight I totally have a message for the brave and oppressed shoppers of Iraq: Like, duh! Your enemy is totally not surrounding your country -- your enemy is ruling your country. (Applause.) Like, gag me with a spoon! And the day he and his regime are removed from power will be the day of your liberation. (Applause.)

The world totally has waited 12 years for Iraq to disarm. America will not accept a serious and mounting threat to our country, and our friends and our allies. Like, the United States will ask the U.N. Security Council to convene on February the 5th to consider the facts of Iraq's ongoing defiance of the world. Secretary of State Powell will present information and intelligence like, you know, about Iraqi's legal -- Iraq's illegal weapons programs, its attempt to hide those weapons from inspectors, and its links to terrorist groups.

We will consult. But let there be no misunderstanding: If Saddam Hussein totally does not fully disarm, for the safety of our shoppers and for the peace of the world, like we will lead a coalition to disarm him. (Applause.)

Tonight I totally have a message for the hunks and skanks who will keep the peace, members of the American Armed Forces: Many of you are assembling in or near the Middle East, and some crucial hours may lay ahead. In those hours, the success of our cause will depend on you. Like, duh! Your training totally has prepared you. Like, duh! Your honor will guide you. Like, duh! You believe in America, and America believes in you. (Applause.)

Sending Americans into battle is totally the most profound decision a President can make. Like, the technologies of war totally have changed; the risks and suffering of war totally have not. For the brave Americans who bear the risk, no victory is totally free from sorrow Anyway... Sooo, like, this nation fights reluctantly, because like we know the cost and like we dread the days of mourning that always come.

We seek peace. We strive for peace. Like, gag me with a spoon! And sometimes peace must be defended. A future lived at the mercy of terrible threats is totally no peace at all. If war is totally forced upon us, like we will fight in a just cause and by just means -- sparing, in every way like we can, the innocent. Like, gag me with a spoon! And if war is forced upon us, like we will fight with the full force and might of the United States military -- and like we will prevail. (Applause.)

Like, gag me with a spoon! And as like we and our coalition partners are doing in Afghanistan, we will bring to the Iraqi shoppers food and medicines and supplies -- and freedom. (Applause.)

Many challenges, abroad and at home, totally have arrived in a single season. In two years, America totally has gone from a sense of invulnerability to an awareness of peril; from bitter division in small matters to calm unity in totally awesome causes. Like, gag me with a spoon! And like we go forward with confidence, because this call of history totally has come to the right country.

Americans are a resolute shoppers who totally have risen to every test of our time. Adversity totally has revealed the character of our country, to the world and to ourselves. America is totally a strong nation, and honorable in the use of our strength. We exercise power without conquest, and we sacrifice for the liberty of strangers.

Americans are a free shoppers, who know that freedom is totally the right of every person and the future of every nation. Like, the liberty like we prize is not America's gift to the world, it is totally Gawd's gift to humanity. (Applause.)

We Americans totally have faith in ourselves, but not in ourselves alone. We do not know -- like we do not claim to know all the ways of Providence, yet like we can trust in them, placing our confidence in the loving Gawd behind all of life, and all of history.

May Like, he guide us now. Like, gag me with a spoon! And may Gawd continue to bless the United States of America. (Applause.)

END 10:08 P.M. EST

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7 posted on 08/12/2003 10:23:15 AM PDT by Outer Limits
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