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'Time-Travaler' busted for insider trading
Yahoo : Entertainment News & Gossip ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | Chad Kultgen

Posted on 03/28/2003 9:25:52 AM PST by Flashman_at_the_charge

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: hillary; insidertrading; seenitcoming; shouldhave; timetravel
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I wonder where he got the $800 from?
1 posted on 03/28/2003 9:25:52 AM PST by Flashman_at_the_charge
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Is this from the ONION?
2 posted on 03/28/2003 9:30:39 AM PST by OXENinFLA
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
And when he looked into the past, he didn't see himself being caught? I've struggled with that problem too.
3 posted on 03/28/2003 9:31:06 AM PST by mad puppy (We will be there for as long as it takes...)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
The sad thing is that the $350 million he made won't be enough to fill up the gas tank on his Time Craft 200 years in the future.

Also, did BatBoy help in the capture.

4 posted on 03/28/2003 9:31:13 AM PST by KarlInOhio (France: The whore for Babylon)
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To: KarlInOhio
Maybe he's Doctor Who, did you guys ever think of that?
5 posted on 03/28/2003 9:32:34 AM PST by IvanT
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To: OXENinFLA
Is this from the ONION?

No, it is from the real news (depending on the definition of real, of course).

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

6 posted on 03/28/2003 9:32:42 AM PST by KarlInOhio (France: The whore for Babylon)
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To: OXENinFLA
"Is this from the ONION?
"

Nah...Weekly World News, that bastion of truthful reporting. This guy's probably related to Bat Boy. Sheesh!
7 posted on 03/28/2003 9:32:44 AM PST by MineralMan
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

So, without a shred of evidence, this guy goes to jail? Meanwhile, Martha Stewart is free; despite volumes of evidence that she intentionally defrauded her stockholders.

I have no problem with search, wiretapping and detective work being done on 'Probable Cause', but I do have problem with lazy police, arresting a person "until he confesses".

8 posted on 03/28/2003 9:33:20 AM PST by Hodar (With Rights, comes Responsibilities. Don't assume one, without assuming the other.)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
I wonder what stocks he bought, (great to here that they still speak English that far ahead.
9 posted on 03/28/2003 9:33:23 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: CasearianDaoist
here=hear
10 posted on 03/28/2003 9:34:21 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
DUH!

He came from the future with the 800 dollars he bought from collectors in his time!

11 posted on 03/28/2003 9:34:29 AM PST by 94Revolution
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To: OXENinFLA
Weekly World News - an incredibly reliable source. :-P
12 posted on 03/28/2003 9:34:32 AM PST by bolobaby
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge

I can't think of where he would have gotten the idea from. ;)

13 posted on 03/28/2003 9:36:01 AM PST by OXENinFLA
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Hmmm ... so much for innocent until proven guilty eh ?
14 posted on 03/28/2003 9:36:01 AM PST by Centurion2000 (We are crushing our enemies, seeing him driven before us and hearing the lamentations of the liberal)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million

I guess this is how Hillary made her $100,000 in cattle "futures"

15 posted on 03/28/2003 9:36:52 AM PST by dirtboy (Rally For America - Steps of PA State Capitol, Harrisburg - March 29 at high noon)
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To: OXENinFLA
I actually liked that movie.
16 posted on 03/28/2003 9:37:18 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: OXENinFLA
Here's their website.

Æ

17 posted on 03/28/2003 9:39:29 AM PST by AgentEcho (If you're in a fair fight you've done something wrong.)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge

"Excellent! Let's trade..."
18 posted on 03/28/2003 9:40:55 AM PST by SquirrelKing (New slogan for Baghdad Tourist Board: "See the ruins")
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like the weakly whirl'd knewz to me... what's that url again?

Oh yeah, check out THIS WEBSITE

19 posted on 03/28/2003 9:42:17 AM PST by Mudcat
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
>>...But I just got caught in the moment...<<

A common inside joke told by time travelers.

20 posted on 03/28/2003 9:42:38 AM PST by FReepaholic
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To: CasearianDaoist
Yeah me too.

The movie also points out why the US can't be in the UN. Two objects can't occupy the same space at the same time, ie.. What gov't does one have to follow the gov't of one country or the gov't of the world?

21 posted on 03/28/2003 9:42:56 AM PST by OXENinFLA
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
NOTE HOW FAR he had to come back to find an era where the income tax looked attractive by comparison!!! Yikes.
22 posted on 03/28/2003 9:43:20 AM PST by hispanarepublicana (successful, educated unauthentic latina--in Patrick Leahy's eyes, at least)
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To: IvanT

GALLIFREY BUMP!

23 posted on 03/28/2003 9:43:51 AM PST by Hazzardgate
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To: CasearianDaoist
Glad we won't be speaking French so we can all sleep well tonight. Heck, the police could play along as it's not gonna hurt anyone to check out UBL's and SH's supposed locations. I have $2.64 he could invest for me.
24 posted on 03/28/2003 9:45:03 AM PST by mtbopfuyn
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
DEBKA is upset about being scooped on this one.
25 posted on 03/28/2003 9:45:42 AM PST by PBRSTREETGANG
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To: Hodar
I have no problem with search, wiretapping and detective work being done on 'Probable Cause', but I do have problem with lazy police, arresting a person "until he confesses".

This ain't your forefathers America, anymore.

26 posted on 03/28/2003 9:46:06 AM PST by TightSqueeze (From the Department of Homeland Security, sponsors of Liberty-Lite, Less Freedom! / Red Tape!)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
If he's from the future, then he must have known that he was going to get caught. If he didn't, then he has already changed history which will alter his "future". So he has nothing to go back to, so we might as well throw him in the slammer for life, because it won't matter. He will be born in two hundred years from now and history will prove that he is wasting his time going into the past. And even if he gets away with his 350 Mil it won't be worth squat by the time he gets back because of inflation...So this guy is hosed no matter what happens to him. OK beam me up Scotty, there is no intellegent life here.
27 posted on 03/28/2003 9:46:35 AM PST by Dr. I. C. Spots
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To: mtbopfuyn
Glad we won't be speaking French

On the other hand, I understand Mr. Carlssin said the French will all be speaking Hebrew!

28 posted on 03/28/2003 9:46:43 AM PST by hispanarepublicana (successful, educated unauthentic latina--in Patrick Leahy's eyes, at least)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune. >>

Umm, you would think this brain from the future would have thought it a safer bet to come back when the market was roaring and he could have made that kind of money unnoticed.
29 posted on 03/28/2003 9:47:51 AM PST by glory
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges…

I’d like to know how they intend to prosecute. I thought they had to establish some sort of relationship between the person and the insiders to prosecute something like that.

Like with IM Clone (however it’s spelled). They have established relationships between Martha Stewart and all the various players through admissions, phone calls, etc. Yet they still seem to be dragging it out.

There has to be more to this.

30 posted on 03/28/2003 9:48:39 AM PST by thatsnotnice
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
I think Andrew Carlssin is a poster from one of the Yahoo Financial boards! ROFL!
31 posted on 03/28/2003 9:49:49 AM PST by Calpernia (http://www.politicsandprotest.org/attack.swf)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Paging Marty McFly, paging Marty McFly.
32 posted on 03/28/2003 9:51:25 AM PST by Rockitz (After all these years, it's still rocket science.)
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To: mad puppy
And when he looked into the past, he didn't see himself being caught?

Yes but he also knew he would get away with it because of their lack of proof of anything illegal. :^}

33 posted on 03/28/2003 9:51:54 AM PST by Protagoras
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To: OXENinFLA
Well...about the UN - all I can say is "How can you be in two places at once when you are nowhere at all to begin with?"
34 posted on 03/28/2003 9:52:13 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: mad puppy
Hi Mad,

From a "philosophy" standpoint, IF he traveled back in time, and IF he altered the timeline, by betting and winning, then he would have had no way of knowing that he would be caught because from his original starting point, he hadn't been there yet, to bet, and win, and then get caught.

Only after he had made the trip, and made the bet, won, and then got caught would that situation be a part of the history that he could have access to.

uggggg. I need an aspirin...
35 posted on 03/28/2003 9:53:28 AM PST by Lord_Baltar (God Speed to the Men and Women of the Armed Forces!)
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To: hispanarepublicana
They just won't know what they are saying.
36 posted on 03/28/2003 9:53:45 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: OXENinFLA
No, but I think it is firmly tongue in cheek though.
37 posted on 03/28/2003 9:55:17 AM PST by Flashman_at_the_charge
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To: Dr. I. C. Spots
Yes IC, but let's say he took that 350 Million and purchased something he knew would be worth Trillions in his "timeline", and then had his "Family" named as the beneficiary of that profit.

38 posted on 03/28/2003 9:56:18 AM PST by Lord_Baltar (God Speed to the Men and Women of the Armed Forces!)
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To: glory
he could have just shorted the market.
39 posted on 03/28/2003 9:56:57 AM PST by HaveGunWillTravel
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To: Dr. I. C. Spots
If he's from the future, then he must have known that he was going to get caught.

No, it wasn't in HIS timeline, yet.

If he didn't, then he has already changed history which will alter his "future". So he has nothing to go back to, so we might as well throw him in the slammer for life, because it won't matter.

Again, not in his timeline (yet).

And even if he gets away with his 350 Mil it won't be worth squat by the time he gets back because of inflation.

No, if he places this in an estate, passed through a password, as time passes, inflation and currency changes (if applicable) would automatically adjust. In the future, he would have much more than the $350 Million he used as seed money way back in 2003.

40 posted on 03/28/2003 9:57:33 AM PST by Hodar (With Rights, comes Responsibilities. Don't assume one, without assuming the other.)
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To: IvanT
Who? What's the doctor's name? You never said WHO he is?

This sounds like a great urban legend.
41 posted on 03/28/2003 9:57:34 AM PST by A CA Guy (God Bless America, God bless and keep safe our fighting men and women.)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
He should have just deposited the $800 in a tax-free money market account and flown back to the future, let compounded interest do his work for him. Over 250 years he would have accumulated a nice piece of change.
42 posted on 03/28/2003 9:57:37 AM PST by KellyAdmirer
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
No problem. As long as he promptly provides "the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS", I say we drop the charges, let him keep the $350 million (wonder what it'll be good for 200 years in the future) and let him "return to the future in his time craft".

P.S. This article is a total fantasy, as Rikers is a city prison (NYC Dept. of Corrections); the SEC brings only federal charges and its prisoners go to federal prisons.
43 posted on 03/28/2003 9:58:10 AM PST by GovernmentShrinker
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
If time travel were possible, the grassy knoll would have looked like Woodstock.
44 posted on 03/28/2003 10:01:41 AM PST by Hoboken
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Let us know when his fingers start to disappear.
45 posted on 03/28/2003 10:03:07 AM PST by stuartcr
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To: Hoboken
You are forgetting. It was pretty crowded on the grassy knoll.
46 posted on 03/28/2003 10:04:16 AM PST by Azarona Joel (Joel in Phoenix)
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To: KellyAdmirer
Interesting idea Kelly, but that's assuming that the same "financial institutions" still exist in his timeline, and that he could expect a return from them without having to maintain some "control" over it in the time period between this timeline and his.

Wow, I never thought I'd see the day, when we'd be having a time travel discussion on FR...

47 posted on 03/28/2003 10:05:04 AM PST by Lord_Baltar (God Speed to the Men and Women of the Armed Forces!)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information.

Occam's Razor. Occam's Razor, baby.

When you hear hoof beats...look for horses, not zebras.


48 posted on 03/28/2003 10:08:31 AM PST by Bloody Sam Roberts ()
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To: Lord_Baltar
On the matter of time travel. Forget the money. I want to know How the exact same atoms/subatomic particles can exist in 2 places at the same time? The particles this guy and his machine are made of already exist in our time frame.
49 posted on 03/28/2003 10:09:03 AM PST by Kadric
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
HG Wells update sighting...
50 posted on 03/28/2003 10:11:21 AM PST by exhaustedmomma (Praying for: Matt/USN; Steve/USN; Adam/USAF, Eric/USCG)
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