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'Time-Travaler' busted for insider trading
Yahoo : Entertainment News & Gossip ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | Chad Kultgen

Posted on 03/28/2003 9:25:52 AM PST by Flashman_at_the_charge

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003
By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


TOPICS: Miscellaneous; Political Humor/Cartoons
KEYWORDS: hillary; insidertrading; seenitcoming; shouldhave; timetravel
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I wonder where he got the $800 from?
1 posted on 03/28/2003 9:25:52 AM PST by Flashman_at_the_charge
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Is this from the ONION?
2 posted on 03/28/2003 9:30:39 AM PST by OXENinFLA
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
And when he looked into the past, he didn't see himself being caught? I've struggled with that problem too.
3 posted on 03/28/2003 9:31:06 AM PST by mad puppy (We will be there for as long as it takes...)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
The sad thing is that the $350 million he made won't be enough to fill up the gas tank on his Time Craft 200 years in the future.

Also, did BatBoy help in the capture.

4 posted on 03/28/2003 9:31:13 AM PST by KarlInOhio (France: The whore for Babylon)
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To: KarlInOhio
Maybe he's Doctor Who, did you guys ever think of that?
5 posted on 03/28/2003 9:32:34 AM PST by IvanT
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To: OXENinFLA
Is this from the ONION?

No, it is from the real news (depending on the definition of real, of course).

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.

6 posted on 03/28/2003 9:32:42 AM PST by KarlInOhio (France: The whore for Babylon)
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To: OXENinFLA
"Is this from the ONION?
"

Nah...Weekly World News, that bastion of truthful reporting. This guy's probably related to Bat Boy. Sheesh!
7 posted on 03/28/2003 9:32:44 AM PST by MineralMan
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

So, without a shred of evidence, this guy goes to jail? Meanwhile, Martha Stewart is free; despite volumes of evidence that she intentionally defrauded her stockholders.

I have no problem with search, wiretapping and detective work being done on 'Probable Cause', but I do have problem with lazy police, arresting a person "until he confesses".

8 posted on 03/28/2003 9:33:20 AM PST by Hodar (With Rights, comes Responsibilities. Don't assume one, without assuming the other.)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
I wonder what stocks he bought, (great to here that they still speak English that far ahead.
9 posted on 03/28/2003 9:33:23 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: CasearianDaoist
here=hear
10 posted on 03/28/2003 9:34:21 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
DUH!

He came from the future with the 800 dollars he bought from collectors in his time!

11 posted on 03/28/2003 9:34:29 AM PST by 94Revolution
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To: OXENinFLA
Weekly World News - an incredibly reliable source. :-P
12 posted on 03/28/2003 9:34:32 AM PST by bolobaby
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge

I can't think of where he would have gotten the idea from. ;)

13 posted on 03/28/2003 9:36:01 AM PST by OXENinFLA
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Hmmm ... so much for innocent until proven guilty eh ?
14 posted on 03/28/2003 9:36:01 AM PST by Centurion2000 (We are crushing our enemies, seeing him driven before us and hearing the lamentations of the liberal)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million

I guess this is how Hillary made her $100,000 in cattle "futures"

15 posted on 03/28/2003 9:36:52 AM PST by dirtboy (Rally For America - Steps of PA State Capitol, Harrisburg - March 29 at high noon)
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To: OXENinFLA
I actually liked that movie.
16 posted on 03/28/2003 9:37:18 AM PST by CasearianDaoist
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To: OXENinFLA
Here's their website.

Æ

17 posted on 03/28/2003 9:39:29 AM PST by AgentEcho (If you're in a fair fight you've done something wrong.)
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge

"Excellent! Let's trade..."
18 posted on 03/28/2003 9:40:55 AM PST by SquirrelKing (New slogan for Baghdad Tourist Board: "See the ruins")
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
Hmmm... sounds suspiciously like the weakly whirl'd knewz to me... what's that url again?

Oh yeah, check out THIS WEBSITE

19 posted on 03/28/2003 9:42:17 AM PST by Mudcat
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To: Flashman_at_the_charge
>>...But I just got caught in the moment...<<

A common inside joke told by time travelers.

20 posted on 03/28/2003 9:42:38 AM PST by FReepaholic
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