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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Yahoo ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | CHAD KULTGEN

Posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Crime/Corruption; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: batboy; humor; stocks; unusual; wallstreet
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1 posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar
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To: JeepInMazar
with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million

This beats Hillary.

2 posted on 03/28/2003 2:55:35 PM PST by JeepInMazar (www.answering-islam.org)
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To: JeepInMazar
Hm. April 1 isn't till next week.
3 posted on 03/28/2003 2:55:54 PM PST by Illbay (Don't believe every tagline you read - including this one)
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To: JeepInMazar
Weekly World News, eh? Does he know the whereabouts of BatBoy?
4 posted on 03/28/2003 2:56:44 PM PST by justanotherfreeper
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To: JeepInMazar
You had me until "Weekly World News" appeared.
5 posted on 03/28/2003 2:57:39 PM PST by Lokibob
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To: Illbay
This was reported on Yahoo..which quoted the World Weekly News?????
6 posted on 03/28/2003 2:57:59 PM PST by Hildy
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To: JeepInMazar
Okay.
bttt
7 posted on 03/28/2003 2:58:09 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: JeepInMazar
Weekly World News ....

Was this from Yahoo or WWW? Enquiring minds want to know.

8 posted on 03/28/2003 2:58:45 PM PST by FateAmenableToChange
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To: JeepInMazar
And now you too can benefit from this amazing information! For just $24.95, you can receive a genuine copy of Carlssin's notebook of stocks to buy - order yours today!
9 posted on 03/28/2003 2:59:12 PM PST by Rammer
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To: Illbay
"Hm. April 1 isn't till next week."

But what day was it when he left his time?
10 posted on 03/28/2003 2:59:19 PM PST by Born to Conserve
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To: Lokibob
Why does World Weekly News always get all the great scoops?
11 posted on 03/28/2003 2:59:32 PM PST by dpwiener
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To: FateAmenableToChange
Check out the link....it seems to be on Yahoo.
12 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:07 PM PST by JeepInMazar (www.answering-islam.org)
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To: JeepInMazar
Wow, this is the best excuse I've heard in a long time. I wish it were true - that would be cool.

Um... if nobody knows who this guy is, how did he get 'insider' tips, anyway? They just hand out secret info to bums on street corners or something?
13 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:11 PM PST by JenB
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To: JeepInMazar
>>"However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."


We need to find that machine or else he will start the war that led to "Logan's Run"

14 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:12 PM PST by Only1choice____Freedom (Again, protestors have NO RIGHT TO BE HEARD, only a freedom to speak.)
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To: JeepInMazar
Unfortunately for him, $350 million in 250 years will be the price of a cup of coffee.
15 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:55 PM PST by Dog Gone
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To: JeepInMazar
Riker's Island isn't a federal holding facility, it's state (maybe local, I don't remember).

And the cure for AIDS -- lots and lots of cheeseburgers.
16 posted on 03/28/2003 3:01:38 PM PST by lambo
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Comment #17 Removed by Moderator

To: JeepInMazar
Give me a break,Elvis told me yesterday this was crap.
18 posted on 03/28/2003 3:02:41 PM PST by noutopia
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To: JeepInMazar
It isn't Yahoo, it's sourced HERE - a thoroughly creditable source. The other news services are spiking the BatBoy stories...
19 posted on 03/28/2003 3:03:08 PM PST by Billthedrill
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To: Only1choice____Freedom
Yikes, I just realized I'm past Sanctuary age.
20 posted on 03/28/2003 3:04:36 PM PST by AgentEcho (If you're in a fair fight you've done something wrong.)
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