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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Yahoo ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | CHAD KULTGEN

Posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Crime/Corruption; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: batboy; humor; stocks; unusual; wallstreet
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1 posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar
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To: JeepInMazar
with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million

This beats Hillary.

2 posted on 03/28/2003 2:55:35 PM PST by JeepInMazar (www.answering-islam.org)
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To: JeepInMazar
Hm. April 1 isn't till next week.
3 posted on 03/28/2003 2:55:54 PM PST by Illbay (Don't believe every tagline you read - including this one)
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To: JeepInMazar
Weekly World News, eh? Does he know the whereabouts of BatBoy?
4 posted on 03/28/2003 2:56:44 PM PST by justanotherfreeper
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To: JeepInMazar
You had me until "Weekly World News" appeared.
5 posted on 03/28/2003 2:57:39 PM PST by Lokibob
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To: Illbay
This was reported on Yahoo..which quoted the World Weekly News?????
6 posted on 03/28/2003 2:57:59 PM PST by Hildy
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To: JeepInMazar
Okay.
bttt
7 posted on 03/28/2003 2:58:09 PM PST by Lancey Howard
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To: JeepInMazar
Weekly World News ....

Was this from Yahoo or WWW? Enquiring minds want to know.

8 posted on 03/28/2003 2:58:45 PM PST by FateAmenableToChange
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To: JeepInMazar
And now you too can benefit from this amazing information! For just $24.95, you can receive a genuine copy of Carlssin's notebook of stocks to buy - order yours today!
9 posted on 03/28/2003 2:59:12 PM PST by Rammer
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To: Illbay
"Hm. April 1 isn't till next week."

But what day was it when he left his time?
10 posted on 03/28/2003 2:59:19 PM PST by Born to Conserve
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To: Lokibob
Why does World Weekly News always get all the great scoops?
11 posted on 03/28/2003 2:59:32 PM PST by dpwiener
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To: FateAmenableToChange
Check out the link....it seems to be on Yahoo.
12 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:07 PM PST by JeepInMazar (www.answering-islam.org)
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To: JeepInMazar
Wow, this is the best excuse I've heard in a long time. I wish it were true - that would be cool.

Um... if nobody knows who this guy is, how did he get 'insider' tips, anyway? They just hand out secret info to bums on street corners or something?
13 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:11 PM PST by JenB
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To: JeepInMazar
>>"However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."


We need to find that machine or else he will start the war that led to "Logan's Run"

14 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:12 PM PST by Only1choice____Freedom (Again, protestors have NO RIGHT TO BE HEARD, only a freedom to speak.)
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To: JeepInMazar
Unfortunately for him, $350 million in 250 years will be the price of a cup of coffee.
15 posted on 03/28/2003 3:00:55 PM PST by Dog Gone
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To: JeepInMazar
Riker's Island isn't a federal holding facility, it's state (maybe local, I don't remember).

And the cure for AIDS -- lots and lots of cheeseburgers.
16 posted on 03/28/2003 3:01:38 PM PST by lambo
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Comment #17 Removed by Moderator

To: JeepInMazar
Give me a break,Elvis told me yesterday this was crap.
18 posted on 03/28/2003 3:02:41 PM PST by noutopia
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To: JeepInMazar
It isn't Yahoo, it's sourced HERE - a thoroughly creditable source. The other news services are spiking the BatBoy stories...
19 posted on 03/28/2003 3:03:08 PM PST by Billthedrill
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To: Only1choice____Freedom
Yikes, I just realized I'm past Sanctuary age.
20 posted on 03/28/2003 3:04:36 PM PST by AgentEcho (If you're in a fair fight you've done something wrong.)
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To: JeepInMazar
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

This proves he's a fraud. All the legitimate time travelers operate under extremely strict protocols which prevent their stock market manipulations from being exposed.

The penalty for violations is hard time.

21 posted on 03/28/2003 3:06:03 PM PST by dpwiener
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To: dpwiener
And what he was traveling through was "soft time" ?
22 posted on 03/28/2003 3:09:22 PM PST by George from New England
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To: JeepInMazar
Oh that silly Andrew. He's my wayward son. Please forward his money to me now. You can keep him as you can see he's a bit off the mark.
23 posted on 03/28/2003 3:09:49 PM PST by Cate ((LET FREEDOM RING!!!!))
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To: Billthedrill
You'll notice he never once gives his broker credit!

People only talk about brokers when they lose money.

Running that account up to 350 mill must have generated a few buy and sell tickets, though.

;^)
24 posted on 03/28/2003 3:10:52 PM PST by headsonpikes
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To: JeepInMazar
Already posted here.
25 posted on 03/28/2003 3:10:57 PM PST by TomServo
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To: JeepInMazar
He should have seen this coming.
26 posted on 03/28/2003 3:14:08 PM PST by Hoosier-Daddy
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To: JeepInMazar
What if he is locked up ,and in the future he goes to the past and alters future. This is so Dumb.
27 posted on 03/28/2003 3:14:31 PM PST by noutopia
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To: AgentEcho

Jenny Agutter Bump...

28 posted on 03/28/2003 3:15:59 PM PST by danneskjold (Laker Hater)
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To: Hoosier-Daddy
Got me by a hair.
29 posted on 03/28/2003 3:16:41 PM PST by noutopia
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To: danneskjold
The photo didn't work--I want Jenny!
30 posted on 03/28/2003 3:20:22 PM PST by Illbay (Don't believe every tagline you read - including this one)
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To: JeepInMazar
Personally I've given up time travel. I kept forgetting to buy old clothes. Popping up in a crowd naked is so embarrassing.
31 posted on 03/28/2003 3:21:51 PM PST by Conspiracy Guy (It's not supposed to make sense.)
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To: JeepInMazar
That's why the Bureau of Time Travel (Aka 'The Agency') has rules against monetary profit.
32 posted on 03/28/2003 3:23:24 PM PST by Darksheare (Nox aeternus en pax.)
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To: Illbay
Yeah, it was working...This should do it...


33 posted on 03/28/2003 3:23:54 PM PST by danneskjold (Laker Hater)
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To: Flurry
Don't forget the bell bottoms and leisure suit in the 80's..
Those chrono-jumps were always embarrassing.
34 posted on 03/28/2003 3:25:07 PM PST by Darksheare (Nox aeternus en pax.)
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To: JeepInMazar; arete
>>"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million

That's better than Hillary's deal on pork futures.

All I can say is, if he really did the above:

dodododododododododododododo

35 posted on 03/28/2003 3:25:33 PM PST by FreedomPoster
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To: Illbay
Somebody ask him if there really aren't any Muslims in the future like I keep hearing in the jokes that get sent to my email address every 3rd day.
36 posted on 03/28/2003 3:27:22 PM PST by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
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To: JeepInMazar
Maybe Hitlery gave him the magicical $800.
37 posted on 03/28/2003 3:29:29 PM PST by noutopia
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To: JeepInMazar
He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

Guilty until proven innocent I see. Unlike Hillary's dealings, now that's another story.


38 posted on 03/28/2003 3:29:47 PM PST by unixfox (Close the borders, problem solved !)
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To: JeepInMazar
Time traveler? He should have worked on the potion that makes you invisible first.
39 posted on 03/28/2003 3:30:37 PM PST by swheats
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To: danneskjold
Gulp
40 posted on 03/28/2003 3:30:38 PM PST by gcruse (If they truly are God's laws, he can enforce them himself.)
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To: JeepInMazar; All
Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Curiously, even if he could prove it to be true, he is still guilty of insider trading.

41 posted on 03/28/2003 3:31:14 PM PST by ElkGroveDan (Fighting for Freedom and Having Fun)
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To: Billthedrill
*Soylent_Green_Rollerball_alert
42 posted on 03/28/2003 3:31:46 PM PST by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
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To: JeepInMazar
This is my kind of thread. Bump for later!
43 posted on 03/28/2003 3:38:05 PM PST by Alex Murphy (Athanasius contra mundum!)
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To: big ern

44 posted on 03/28/2003 3:38:12 PM PST by socal_parrot (Jean Valjean, the only decent Frenchmen.)
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To: justanotherfreeper

45 posted on 03/28/2003 3:38:28 PM PST by Bubba_Leroy
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To: ElkGroveDan
But, the statute of limitations would have run out by 2256.
So he wouldn't be prosecutable then.
But only in 2256.
*Chuckle*
Wonder what else he's going to say for himself.
46 posted on 03/28/2003 3:39:34 PM PST by Darksheare (Nox aeternus en pax.)
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To: JeepInMazar
He should already know how his cse turns out. ;^)
47 posted on 03/28/2003 3:46:29 PM PST by js1138
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To: JeepInMazar
Note that the story is at www.tv.yahoo.com. That's the Yahoo TV domain. Check out some of the other Weekly World News stories they have links to:

Dumb Ways People Have Died
Thursday March 27, 2003, Weekly World News

Hitler Had A Secret Son
Wednesday March 26, 2003, Weekly World News

America Should be A Bad-Ass Cowboy
Tuesday March 25, 2003, Weekly World News
I'm madder than Roy Rogers with a busted guitar at all these filthy foreigners whining about how Americans are a bunch of "cowboys." These yahoos think we're the bad guys and that the real problem in the world today is "American imperialism" -- not that nutcase Saddam having enough anthrax and nerve gas to wipe out the human race 10 times over. Well, folks, I say it's high time for Uncle Sam to proudly tell the world he is a cowboy. A bad- ass cowboy who's not afraid to shoot first and ask...

Close Shave For Dictator's Double
Monday March 24, 2003, Weekly World News

Earlier Stories
How You Can Own A Piece Of Iraq Land
Monday March 24, 2003, Weekly World News
Archaeologist Finds 12,000 Year Old Magazine From Atlantis!
Friday March 21, 2003, Weekly World News
Secret Videotape Shows Lions Eating Christians In Iraq
Thursday March 20, 2003, Weekly World News
'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003, Weekly World News
Schools Will Soon Force Your Kids To Take Drugs!
Tuesday March 18, 2003, Weekly World News
Fish Has Human Face!
Monday March 17, 2003, Weekly World News
Bigfoot Captures Sexy Camper For His Love Slave
Friday March 14, 2003, Weekly World News
Terrorists Are Buying Up America!
Thursday March 13, 2003, Weekly World News

48 posted on 03/28/2003 3:49:27 PM PST by giotto
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To: lambo
And the cure for AIDS -- lots and lots of cheeseburgers.

No. That would be preventive medicine.

49 posted on 03/28/2003 3:50:56 PM PST by woofer
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To: socal_parrot

ROLLERBALL!

50 posted on 03/28/2003 3:55:51 PM PST by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
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