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'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Yahoo ^ | Wednesday March 19, 2003 | CHAD KULTGEN

Posted on 03/28/2003 2:54:46 PM PST by JeepInMazar

'TIME-TRAVELER' BUSTED FOR INSIDER TRADING
Wednesday March 19, 2003

By CHAD KULTGEN

NEW YORK -- Federal investigators have arrested an enigmatic Wall Street wiz on insider-trading charges -- and incredibly, he claims to be a time-traveler from the year 2256!

Sources at the Security and Exchange Commission confirm that 44-year-old Andrew Carlssin offered the bizarre explanation for his uncanny success in the stock market after being led off in handcuffs on January 28.

"We don't believe this guy's story -- he's either a lunatic or a pathological liar," says an SEC insider.

"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million. Every trade he made capitalized on unexpected business developments, which simply can't be pure luck.

"The only way he could pull it off is with illegal inside information. He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

The past year of nose-diving stock prices has left most investors crying in their beer. So when Carlssin made a flurry of 126 high-risk trades and came out the winner every time, it raised the eyebrows of Wall Street watchdogs.

"If a company's stock rose due to a merger or technological breakthrough that was supposed to be secret, Mr. Carlssin somehow knew about it in advance," says the SEC source close to the hush-hush, ongoing investigation.

When investigators hauled Carlssin in for questioning, they got more than they bargained for: A mind-boggling four-hour confession.

Carlssin declared that he had traveled back in time from over 200 years in the future, when it is common knowledge that our era experienced one of the worst stock plunges in history. Yet anyone armed with knowledge of the handful of stocks destined to go through the roof could make a fortune.

"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

In a bid for leniency, Carlssin has reportedly offered to divulge "historical facts" such as the whereabouts of Osama Bin Laden and a cure for AIDS.

All he wants is to be allowed to return to the future in his "time craft."

However, he refuses to reveal the location of the machine or discuss how it works, supposedly out of fear the technology could "fall into the wrong hands."

Officials are quite confident the "time-traveler's" claims are bogus. Yet the SEC source admits, "No one can find any record of any Andrew Carlssin existing anywhere before December 2002."

Weekly World News will continue to follow this story as it unfolds. Keep watching for further developments.


TOPICS: Business/Economy; Crime/Corruption; Front Page News; News/Current Events
KEYWORDS: batboy; humor; stocks; unusual; wallstreet
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To: JeepInMazar
"It was just too tempting to resist," Carlssin allegedly said in his videotaped confession. "I had planned to make it look natural, you know, lose a little here and there so it doesn't look too perfect. But I just got caught in the moment."

This proves he's a fraud. All the legitimate time travelers operate under extremely strict protocols which prevent their stock market manipulations from being exposed.

The penalty for violations is hard time.

21 posted on 03/28/2003 3:06:03 PM PST by dpwiener
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To: dpwiener
And what he was traveling through was "soft time" ?
22 posted on 03/28/2003 3:09:22 PM PST by George from New England
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To: JeepInMazar
Oh that silly Andrew. He's my wayward son. Please forward his money to me now. You can keep him as you can see he's a bit off the mark.
23 posted on 03/28/2003 3:09:49 PM PST by Cate ((LET FREEDOM RING!!!!))
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To: Billthedrill
You'll notice he never once gives his broker credit!

People only talk about brokers when they lose money.

Running that account up to 350 mill must have generated a few buy and sell tickets, though.

;^)
24 posted on 03/28/2003 3:10:52 PM PST by headsonpikes
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To: JeepInMazar
Already posted here.
25 posted on 03/28/2003 3:10:57 PM PST by TomServo
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To: JeepInMazar
He should have seen this coming.
26 posted on 03/28/2003 3:14:08 PM PST by Hoosier-Daddy
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To: JeepInMazar
What if he is locked up ,and in the future he goes to the past and alters future. This is so Dumb.
27 posted on 03/28/2003 3:14:31 PM PST by noutopia
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To: AgentEcho

Jenny Agutter Bump...

28 posted on 03/28/2003 3:15:59 PM PST by danneskjold (Laker Hater)
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To: Hoosier-Daddy
Got me by a hair.
29 posted on 03/28/2003 3:16:41 PM PST by noutopia
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To: danneskjold
The photo didn't work--I want Jenny!
30 posted on 03/28/2003 3:20:22 PM PST by Illbay (Don't believe every tagline you read - including this one)
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To: JeepInMazar
Personally I've given up time travel. I kept forgetting to buy old clothes. Popping up in a crowd naked is so embarrassing.
31 posted on 03/28/2003 3:21:51 PM PST by Conspiracy Guy (It's not supposed to make sense.)
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To: JeepInMazar
That's why the Bureau of Time Travel (Aka 'The Agency') has rules against monetary profit.
32 posted on 03/28/2003 3:23:24 PM PST by Darksheare (Nox aeternus en pax.)
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To: Illbay
Yeah, it was working...This should do it...


33 posted on 03/28/2003 3:23:54 PM PST by danneskjold (Laker Hater)
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To: Flurry
Don't forget the bell bottoms and leisure suit in the 80's..
Those chrono-jumps were always embarrassing.
34 posted on 03/28/2003 3:25:07 PM PST by Darksheare (Nox aeternus en pax.)
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To: JeepInMazar; arete
>>"But the fact is, with an initial investment of only $800, in two weeks' time he had a portfolio valued at over $350 million

That's better than Hillary's deal on pork futures.

All I can say is, if he really did the above:

dodododododododododododododo

35 posted on 03/28/2003 3:25:33 PM PST by FreedomPoster
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To: Illbay
Somebody ask him if there really aren't any Muslims in the future like I keep hearing in the jokes that get sent to my email address every 3rd day.
36 posted on 03/28/2003 3:27:22 PM PST by TheErnFormerlyKnownAsBig
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To: JeepInMazar
Maybe Hitlery gave him the magicical $800.
37 posted on 03/28/2003 3:29:29 PM PST by noutopia
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To: JeepInMazar
He's going to sit in a jail cell on Rikers Island until he agrees to give up his sources."

Guilty until proven innocent I see. Unlike Hillary's dealings, now that's another story.


38 posted on 03/28/2003 3:29:47 PM PST by unixfox (Close the borders, problem solved !)
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To: JeepInMazar
Time traveler? He should have worked on the potion that makes you invisible first.
39 posted on 03/28/2003 3:30:37 PM PST by swheats
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To: danneskjold
Gulp
40 posted on 03/28/2003 3:30:38 PM PST by gcruse (If they truly are God's laws, he can enforce them himself.)
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